Breaking Stereotypes

When our child was born in March 2020, we were living through the worst week of the pandemic in the US. People were dying. The hospital systems were so overwhelmed that bodies were being stored in garbage bags, make shift hospital beds were being installed in Central Park and no one had any idea what they were dealing with or what the next steps needed to be. Everyone was scared as the governments were playing politics with human suffering and public health systems were crashing in the most established of countries.

Then there was us, after 12 years of being married I was alone in a hospital giving birth to our miracle. Happy we made it through our infertility and losses to finally become parents. Me unaware of my husband’s fear and he unaware of my loneliness but both happy that we have a child in our arms at the end of the our own personal ordeal.

There was no help we could avail of. There were travel bans/fears. Restuarants were closed. Building in NYC weren’t allowing non-essential personnel to come into the buildings, so there were no cleaning/cooking help allowed. We brought a baby into our bubble with no one but our pediatrician in our lives.

My husband and I took turns with sleep/feeding/cooking/cleaning and learning to be parents. Seeing our now 3 year old, we know we survived the worst time in the pandemic with the most beautiful experience of parenting.

We took on non-traditional roles. I went back to my work, my husband decided to continue his work form home, even though we both knew that it would make his career suffer. He wanted to support my career and not let the traditional “motherhood tax” impact my career growth trajectory. While I struggled with mom-guilt I leaned on my husband for everything. To raise our child, to be my support and keep us together. And he did. People often say that homes are built by women and there is a lot of truth to it, but my husband is the one who has kept me and our family together.

He is the default parent. He is the default partner. His contributions to all things domestic are so obvious that our mothers who have experienced and live with traditional patriarchy struggle with our family dynamic. So much so that they keep commenting on it, sometimes affecting our harmony.

However, I then see how much my 3 year old already contributes to being a helpful member of the family. Doing “chores” come naturally to them. They are loving, caring, kind, compassionate. While I’d like to take credit for some of the goodness in my child, I know that my child emulates the biggest influence in their life. Their father.

Being a present, kind, compassionate, true partner and #heforshe, takes concious effort. It takes practice and consistency. My child is seeing, experience that everyday of their life. They watch their parents being happy and in harmony and wont know what tranditional patriarchy looks like. While I sometimes wish I would not have to hear the taunts of our elders, I also know I could not have given a better gift to our child. We are breaking the stereotypes and we are hopeful, our child will learn to live on their own terms!

March 24th, 2020

Things are moving rather swiftly. I am exhausted and I can’t keep up. I stopped following the news a few days ago as it was beginning to give me nightmares and I couldn’t function. Everyone is being asked to step out of their comfort zones and do more than their already extended selves.

I’ve had medical colleagues call me as they are “scared” Their exact word. These are scary times. I don’t remember ever being front line and center in a Pandemic. The health care workers are receiving a lot of praise, a lot of thanks and it is all very nice to see. I am also very grateful for the recognition, but what we really need is strong leadership, citizens to step up and do their bit and for all of us to unite as one people. The ugly politics that we have been witnessing in the US is extremely demoralizing.

This is for Sarah*!

If anyone wants to feel in control and calm I suggest you listen to the Governor of NY Andrew Cuomo’s press briefings. I believe he is doing one every morning and it is telecast on NBC. He tells us the numbers straight up and then he tells us his plan. He assures us we will get past this and he tells us what he is doing to achieve that goal. Today he said it was about Matilda, his mom. He is not ready to sacrifice her life. He strongly suggests social distancing as we know that has worked in other countries.

In all the madness we are living through I want to talk about Sarah. She is a 70 year old 2 time cancer survivor. She is one of my very unlikely of friends. I have now known her for over 5 years. She is a friend, a mom, an aunt, a buddy and one of my biggest confidants depending on the day. I am not ready for anything to happen to her. She complained of anosmia and lack of taste around 2 weeks ago. We didn’t know of this symptom for COVID-19 then but she was convinced she had it. I tried to convince her to get tested. I would have pulled my weight to get her a test as at that time we didn’t have enough tests. She however said, she was okay, she didn’t feel unwell enough to warrant a visit to the ER and that she was fully aware that “others” might need those resources more than she did. Of course I have asked after her health often. She has had her highs and lows. No matter how she felt she has always asked about me and my husband. Last night she reported she could taste her coffee again and that she was in much better spirits.

Last night I broke down.

*Name changed to protect privacy of my dearest friend.

#coronodiaries

March 20th 2020

It’s been two weeks since my husband decided it was time to work from home. This week the Governor Andrew Cuomo announced that 75% of the workforce needs to stay home. Despite being a physician who works in a clinic that works with the exact demographic who is considered high risk, I have been asked to “work from home”.

I’ve been consuming way too much social media. Most doctors, epidemiologists, public health officials I trust are on twitter, CNN has been on in our apartment more for white noise than for the actual news, and then the physician groups I joined or got added to on Facebook have made me revive my account.

This work from home, I thought would be a nice break for me but that’s not how it is turning out to be. They are making us actually work from home.The management is going to send around a volunteer sheet for some of us to sign up to do things we don’t generally do. I know the entire hospital task force is ready to sign up. Such are the times. Unprecedented! We are living through a worldwide pandemic with a new virus. There is not a lot we know except its been devastating in many parts of the world.

I wont get into the nitty gritty of it. Except just know that the US is handling it very poorly at the federal level. We have some good people who are making it easier on us but we have extremely poor leadership. The state and local leadership have taken it upon themselves to take care of their states. People have stepped up in ways I wouldn’t have known was possible. It is all very sureal at this time.

I’ve enjoyed this week for most part of it. Friends and family that I haven’t heard from in a long time reached out to tell me they are thinking of me, have sent me best wishes asked us how we are dealing with the madness that is New York city right now. I had one little breakdown. There is so much we have been planning for in the next few weeks and right now I feel a bit of fear for things to come. Then I’m reminded of all the blessings we do have that I know we will be okay.

#coronadiaries

Goodbye 2018

And just like that we are a few days away from 2019. A brand new year! 2018 went by in the blink of an eye. Of course a lot happened. If it hadn’t how would this have been such a quick year? Is that a thing? We should make it a thing. A slow year, a quick year.

By my last count 9 sets of guests visited us over the summer. Even if they all stayed an average of a week with us- you do the Math. That is a bit more than 2 months of summer spent entertaining. Averages and Math doesn’t necessarily work for my family, so our guests spanned from mid-April to mid- September. We enjoy having guests coming over. We really do. Everyone however is blessed with that one family who drains your energy and makes you question everything about human behavior, relationships and entertaining. I think this one family completely drained us out and made us question some of our friendships.

That unrest led for us to take a very last minute and very short trip to Maine; a state I had never been to before. Some people at work go to Maine every chance they get, so I wanted to demystify the enigma that is Maine. It was a great decision. Wonderful part of the country in terms of terrain, geography, hiking trails, foods and ice-cream. The husband and I have never before woken up at 4 am to go see a sunrise, which we did in the great state of Maine. Enigma indeed. We got done with a 3 mile hike by 8 am and with breakfast by 10 am, leaving the rest of the day for us to do whatever we wanted to do.

That one experience helped me make a long desired change. I go to bed early and wake up early. It’s been a life long struggle and then one day, I made that switch. So yes one can change if they wanted to and you can always grow if you wanted to. Talking of growth, I withdrew from the PhD program and cut back from a lot of extra-curricular activities to give me some pause. I needed to work on myself, my relationships, health and priorities that had been taking a backseat for a long time.

Speaking of relationships, this year marks the 10th anniversary to my marriage to the most wonderful man I know. This relation has seen its share of ups and downs. In the past I have found myself focusing on the bad instead of the good. That I find is easy to do. Self-pity, sadness and grief are sticky. I’ve learned that we can focus on what we choose. I now choose to look at what we actually have in this marriage and not what we could have had. Letting go of the abstract is a process and I am beginning to believe a life long one at that.

Our love for travel continues and to satisfy that love we visited Portugal in the beginning of Fall. I cannot tell you enough how much I loved the country, the people, the food and the wine! Don’t miss the vinho verde or the port vine! Such a treat! It was also the place I had a mini mental break down. When one is having such a good time that one gets so relaxed that the adrenaline finally stops pumping, one is headed in the direction of a mini mental breakdown. What I mean by a mini mental breakdown is a no holding back full-on cry fest in a public train between Sintra and Lisbon.

It was probably my most public display of emotion. I agree it wasn’t polite to have the unsuspecting people of Portugal see my crying like I had lost a limb. Not to mention a completely clueless husband who had just planned and executed the perfect 10th anniversary get-away! I had just had the best time of my life with the man I consider more than my husband and I didn’t want to come back to my reality.

That was a big wake up call for me. Something essential/basic had changed and I was determined to get to the bottom of it. So the rest of the year, I have spent reacquainting myself with all the people who got left behind in the rut of life, doing things that I love and spending more time centering myself and investing in my own well-being. In that vein I took up plants as a new hobby. After killing scores of plants, I can finally be proud to say I have 11 thriving plants. I cannot wait until spring to get more.

At the age of forty, I can finally say I can have something thrive in my company. I was engulfed with the sorrow that nothing was willing to be born or grow with me. These thriving 11 plants, give me hope! The hopes of a baby- biological or otherwise live on!

That has been my 2018 in a nut-shell. How was your year? Have you made any plans for 2019? Are you ready to say good bye?

Happy Hump Day!

The lack of posts is because of the 5 weeks the husband and I took to travel. We decided we had had enough with our current lives. So we needed to reboot. With a bit of rearranging our lives, commitments, vacation times and bank balance we managed to get some time off. We then looked at the map and put our fingers on the farthest and warmest countries we could find.

I had my reservations. Five weeks is a long time. Same room, same food, same routines with complete lack of privacy, me time, my friends that I wasn’t sure how the husband and I would get along. I also didn’t know what the husband was going through. Why did he think this was a good idea? For me, I was mostly in it for the ride. We had our back packs, our carry-ons and off we were. Except for one day when I missed my home, I have to say I didn’t think of New York once. I guess  it is true that home is where the heart is. And my heart was right there with me.

I am still jet lagged. I choose to be. My mantra is to be less stuck up this year. That is a tall order. We don’t even realize how many things just bog us down or we hold on to. So no alarms since we have come back and if the eyes are shut for 11 hours so be it. I know the luxury won’t last too long. Just because I am ready to let go, doesn’t mean the world will also be as relaxed.

This trip has been very good for me personally. I have come back refreshed, happy and determined. I have some personal and professional goals I would like to achieve which include writing more.

What are your goals? How did you ring in the new year? What do you want 2017 to be like for you?

Happy Thanksgiving…

You know the biggest joke about thanksgiving?  “Only people in American will have bloody wars over materialistic things 24 hours after they have said thanks for everything they already have.”

Despite all the commercialization, blood bath and expensive travel that happens this week, Thanksgiving continues to be my favorite American holiday.

You get blessings, kindness and love from the most unexpected places. My father used to tell me that always do good, with no expectations in return. Even if you don’t receive from the same person, God will look out for you and you will receive when the time is right. Just do your thing. I am thankful for that advice now more than ever. Having had a few rough years myself, I have reaffirmed my belief that everyone has their own struggles. Just because we know nothing about them, and people always put up a brave front, doesn’t mean they don’t have struggles of their own. Be nice, it doesn’t take away anything from anyone. I am very grateful for the sound advise.

I am very thankful for my husband. Not only has he loved me despite all odds, he has embraced my family, my friends, along with our craziness. I haven’t changed as a person “just because I got married.” I have changed a great deal because I have grown up as a person, professionally and personally. I continue to be a work in progress, but every time I look into my husband’s eyes- I see his idea of perfection. I am very grateful for his love.

There are people I haven’t met in person, or met very briefly, and yet I am very thankful they are in my life. Some have sent me countless messages of encouragement, love and support while others have given it to me straight. Even though life has tried it’s best to pull me down, it has also showed me just how you bounce back, thanks to these very people. I am very grateful to know, that people who have full lives of their own will take time out for you. Whether it is making you feel special on your birthday, or remind you that there is no place for stress-induced-ruining-of-health. I am very grateful to see them make a place for me, even in their very full hearts.

I am thankful to this blogging space. No matter how much you have been ignored, you are right where I need you to be. I am really glad I have this space to vent /rant /complain /reminisce /pontificate /laugh /ridicule and just be myself. Eleven years and going strong!

Happy Thanksgiving y’all.

Don’t boo, vote.

 

Today is election day in the United States. And of course the world is watching. After Obama, every candidate will fall short. There are very big shoes to fill which is why the choices this year are frustrating. It is a seasoned politician who comes across as your grandma vs the not to young but eccentric outsider as the choice. In the end it doesn’t matter in the US. It is the senate that controls the decisions and unless people chose for their senators sensibly, the president is but a figure head.

My dear citizens of the United States,

Your country is already great. It strives to provide homes, clean water, food, education and opportunities for all. Your government recognizes that healthcare is not a privilege but a right, same sex marriages are legal and has been a melting pot of people from all races, religions and political affiliations.

Yes we have our own problems in this country. It doesn’t make sense, that we lose our sons, brothers, husbands and lovers in another country for someone else’s war. It doesn’t make sense, that an illegal immigrant is given the opportunities we would have hoped to have for ourselves. I respect those concerns.

This election however isn’t about illegal immigrants, or wars. We have inherited these issues and there is no single president/term answer to these concerns. There isn’t a “wall” or “bombing the shit out of” anything that will solve our problems. Do you really want a country where the leader is disrespectful of anyone who isn’t like them? I feel your frustration but that doesn’t mean you vote blindly.

I haven’t lived through many elections in this country. But I have lived enough on this planet to know that voicing your choice is a right we have fought very hard for. So execute your choice. You have a voice, use it. Also use your brain, ask your heart and then put those together to cast your vote.

Climate change is real, same sex people are normal, women can fight in wars. Hell they can do anything. They can even be the president of the United States of America.

Don’t boo, vote!

Love,

Global citizen: det-res!

 

 

 

A very happy birthday to us!

Last week starting Sunday had to be the best and the worst week for me this year.

Sunday kicked off Diwali celebrations in our new apartment. I wasn’t up to company, celebrations, or even embracing the new place. I am not very good with change. But perhaps change is exactly what we needed.

I love birthdays in general. Mine most of all. EVERYONE should know that. This year has been miserably tough. Every birthday I am reminded that I lost my first baby just a day after my birthday. This year I had hoped my second baby would make it to my birthday so we could have had a fighting chance. That didn’t happen either. I almost didn’t want to live through the day, because I didn’t know if I had it in me to face the potential burst of emotions.

The birthday came despite my denial with a promise that four days later it would be my husband’s. The old man turned 40 this year. I decided to give him a birthday he could feel loved, honored and appreciated for who he is! So I took solace that I had something else to think about.

Last week my husband and I experienced pouring in of love, affection, hugs, phone calls and messages. People came out in numbers to join us in our attempt to celebrate life that exists and forget even if for just a second of the life that didn’t make it. I am touched by the effort our friends made to take time out of their busy schedules to ensure we were made to feel special and loved.

Even though this was a tough week to live by, the universe had other plan for us. With the love we have experienced in the last one week, I feel we are stronger and more prepared for the challenges that lie ahead of us. I got to make my husband feel loved and appreciated and nothing makes me happier than a 40 year old man, feel like a young boy again.

A very happy birthday to both of us! I am ready for the world again 🙂

 

When neighbors become much more

We were moving into our current apartment more than six years ago. A Rabi from the Orthodox Hasidic Jewish community passed by our door just as our furniture was being delivered. He popped his head in, offered help and walked away with a big warm smile.

A few weeks later, as I was coming back from work I was greeted by my neighbor, who also happened to be the Rabi’s wife. She asked me if I would be okay to go into their apartment and turn off the cooking range. Being the first time I was amused. Then I made an effort to get to know more about the ways of the Orthodox Jewish community. I read about Shabbat and made sense of the request my neighbor made of me.

Over the last 6 years, we have watched their family grow from 3 children to 7 and I have been asked to turn off the cooking range on countless occasions. More importantly we have become friends during this time. We have spent time chatting with them, exchanging our thoughts on life, religion, politics, travel, our families. They have prayed for us, visited us in the hospital, sent us food. As we have got to know them over the years the fact that they are very different from us in the way they live, practice their religion, raise their children, dress, eat has stopped being a though worth considering.

Last Friday we were invited to our first Shabbat dinner. I don’t know what prompted the invitation. Is it because we are going to move soon, or because we lost our second baby? Whatever their reason might be, we felt like we were with friends. As they navigated us through their rituals my husband and I wondered why didn’t we do this earlier? We have already shared so much over the last 6 years so why did we not share a meal before?

We spent a good two plus hours chatting to our hearts content, eating a sumptuous meal, listening to their children. As we said our good byes, I wondered if we had just said good bye to a family that had become our closest friends.

Sarvana Bhavan

Not impressed.

Expensive, shabby, small quantities, terrible taste.

It is an  attempt to hold on to the Indian flavour while satisfying the Western pallete. Doing a very bad job of it too.

The restaurant.  The menu.