Category Archives: Decisions

Goodbye 2018

And just like that we are a few days away from 2019. A brand new year! 2018 went by in the blink of an eye. Of course a lot happened. If it hadn’t how would this have been such a quick year? Is that a thing? We should make it a thing. A slow year, a quick year.

By my last count 9 sets of guests visited us over the summer. Even if they all stayed an average of a week with us- you do the Math. That is a bit more than 2 months of summer spent entertaining. Averages and Math doesn’t necessarily work for my family, so our guests spanned from mid-April to mid- September. We enjoy having guests coming over. We really do. Everyone however is blessed with that one family who drains your energy and makes you question everything about human behavior, relationships and entertaining. I think this one family completely drained us out and made us question some of our friendships.

That unrest led for us to take a very last minute and very short trip to Maine; a state I had never been to before. Some people at work go to Maine every chance they get, so I wanted to demystify the enigma that is Maine. It was a great decision. Wonderful part of the country in terms of terrain, geography, hiking trails, foods and ice-cream. The husband and I have never before woken up at 4 am to go see a sunrise, which we did in the great state of Maine. Enigma indeed. We got done with a 3 mile hike by 8 am and with breakfast by 10 am, leaving the rest of the day for us to do whatever we wanted to do.

That one experience helped me make a long desired change. I go to bed early and wake up early. It’s been a life long struggle and then one day, I made that switch. So yes one can change if they wanted to and you can always grow if you wanted to. Talking of growth, I withdrew from the PhD program and cut back from a lot of extra-curricular activities to give me some pause. I needed to work on myself, my relationships, health and priorities that had been taking a backseat for a long time.

Speaking of relationships, this year marks the 10th anniversary to my marriage to the most wonderful man I know. This relation has seen its share of ups and downs. In the past I have found myself focusing on the bad instead of the good. That I find is easy to do. Self-pity, sadness and grief are sticky. I’ve learned that we can focus on what we choose. I now choose to look at what we actually have in this marriage and not what we could have had. Letting go of the abstract is a process and I am beginning to believe a life long one at that.

Our love for travel continues and to satisfy that love we visited Portugal in the beginning of Fall. I cannot tell you enough how much I loved the country, the people, the food and the wine! Don’t miss the vinho verde or the port vine! Such a treat! It was also the place I had a mini mental break down. When one is having such a good time that one gets so relaxed that the adrenaline finally stops pumping, one is headed in the direction of a mini mental breakdown. What I mean by a mini mental breakdown is a no holding back full-on cry fest in a public train between Sintra and Lisbon.

It was probably my most public display of emotion. I agree it wasn’t polite to have the unsuspecting people of Portugal see my crying like I had lost a limb. Not to mention a completely clueless husband who had just planned and executed the perfect 10th anniversary get-away! I had just had the best time of my life with the man I consider more than my husband and I didn’t want to come back to my reality.

That was a big wake up call for me. Something essential/basic had changed and I was determined to get to the bottom of it. So the rest of the year, I have spent reacquainting myself with all the people who got left behind in the rut of life, doing things that I love and spending more time centering myself and investing in my own well-being. In that vein I took up plants as a new hobby. After killing scores of plants, I can finally be proud to say I have 11 thriving plants. I cannot wait until spring to get more.

At the age of forty, I can finally say I can have something thrive in my company. I was engulfed with the sorrow that nothing was willing to be born or grow with me. These thriving 11 plants, give me hope! The hopes of a baby- biological or otherwise live on!

That has been my 2018 in a nut-shell. How was your year? Have you made any plans for 2019? Are you ready to say good bye?

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Today is not that day..in 55

Another one bites the dust. Is this the new go to? Is that the only way out of our troubles?

Life is tough; has been for a while. Some days I wonder if that was my answer?

I look around to remind myself, get past just one more day. Today is just not that day…

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What do you really want!

What do you tell yourself everyday, every night, every minute. What do you dream of when you sleep at night and when you are wide awake. What is it that burns a fire inside of you? What makes you wake up every morning and sleep well at night. Have you every asked yourself, what do you really want for yourself?

On this crisp spring morning, what are you truly wanting!

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Today’s mantra

Clear your mind of Cant

 

Things to do this week:

One clinical day, one medical-education day, 5 one hour presentations, 3 meetings for graduate school, master’s thesis revisions for submission due, PhD proposal hard deadlines due. Apart from this regular work week, I have guests coming to stay with us from India. I am beyond excited and can barely concentrate on what needs to be done.

So today’s mantra: Clear your mind of can’t. I’ll let you all know if I survive this week!

How does your week look like?

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2 weeks down 50 more to go!

Just checking in! How were your first two weeks of this year?

2 more years and we will be in 2020’s. So fascinating! Has that hit anyone yet?

As a “blogger” I fail miserably. Of all the hats I wear on a daily basis, blogger hat suffers the most. I don’t have the words I once had in my arsenal to write. I don’t have the time, I once freely enjoyed. I don’t have the will to make the effort either.

I would hope I can change that this year.

 

 

 

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I am going to give this one last good fight!

Thank you to all of you who have wept with me and for me. Those of you who emailed, messaged, and sent lovely notes full of love and prayer and warmth and concern. Even those of you that stayed silent, know that I understand. Some things are just hard to make any conversation about. I have been in that spot. I just didn’t know what to say, so I said a silent prayer, hoping things would get better for the person struggling.

The good thing with struggle is that I find them very character building. I had to truly work on myself and not go down the rabbit hole of asking myself or god, why me? I taught myself to say, so that happened, as does life to everyone, where to next?

I have taken my time. I have changed homes, I have traveled to 11 countries in the interim, I have worked on my relationship with my mother, I have embraced yoga, healthy eating and regular walks. I haven’t yet reached the stage of meditation or veganism, but I feel I am pretty close to being awesome ( my own measure). I definitely feel ready to give the possibility of a family with a child in it a good fight.

Join me, as I tell you more about this journey, struggle and what hormones can do to a relatively normal person!

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I am taking my fall back!

It is bloody hard!

Fall has been one of my favorite seasons for the longest time. As the winds get a bit cooler, the leaves change color, and pumpkins spring up everywhere I have always felt the promise of friends, fun, celebrations, food, wine and cake. So many birthdays in fall, would make me so happy.

This year has been different.

As the winds get a bit cooler, the leaves change color, and pumpkins spring up every where I am reminded of the loss I have experienced in my favorite time of the year. It is bloody hard to get excited about life.

Perhaps life wanted to sober me up. Even though I have the ability to get fully excited about fall, I am  reminded that many  people around me are dealing with terrible life experiences. As you know life happens to everyone.

So while I stand in solidarity with everyone who is also experiencing my struggle, I have decided I stand up tall and enjoy Fall!

 

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