My master’s thesis will be done tomorrow. It is the last date of submission, so even though I don’t feel done, I have to be. In a way I am happy about that, as I am so ready to be done with it! One of the pages I have been looking forward to writing in my 50+ page thesis is the acknowledgements page. While this exact version may not make it to the very specified page, I wanted to share my acknowledgements here.
I want to take this opportunity to thank some key players who have been instrumental in me getting my master’s thesis!
- The asshole co-worker: When I joined my new job last year, one of my co-workers would keep repeating that I was a doctor, a master’s student and a Phd student, I have a grant to my name and I still managed to get great grades in the the Public Health classes that I was enrolled in. When he said it the first time, I realized I was doing a lot, and that perhaps a work life balance would be a good thing. When he repeated himself about 30 million times, I knew it was coming from spite. He oozes competition and self-entitlement. He helped me seal my determination to show his entitled self, what it means to be a hard working brown immigrant woman and how much we can do when we set our minds to something. So this thesis is for you buddy!
- The Program leadership who warned me against “doing too much” Your tone was more of a warning than that of concern. You put me on alert and hence I am glad I decided to prove you wrong. I am submitting my thesis and I know for a fact that I will be granted my degree.
- My husband: My rock, my anchor, the shoulder I have cried on many times, my support. I truly couldn’t have done this without you.
- My mom: A doctorate herself kept it very real for me. She was probably the only person who told me like it was. On the days I wanted to give up, she reminded me why I started in the first place.
- My friends: Some that I see on a daily basis, some I text on a daily basis, some that I don’t see or talk to on a daily basis, but all of them have empowered me, reminded me that I can kick ass when I am not feeling sorry for myself and that I got this even when I didn’t think I did. You don’t even know you kept me going because you were just your awesome selves and I cannot thank you enough for being yourselves and for being in my life!
Few more hours people and I will be done! Boo ya!
Filed under A first, Always one step behind, Celebration, Determination, Dreams, Emotions, Environment, Expectations, Experiences, Faith, Goal, Inspiration, Life, Love, Motivation, People, Personal, Rants, Relationships, Society, Thoughts, Truth, Update
New York city, a place you get to call home with the sky scrappers and Wall Street, the theater scene along with the food scene. The best universities and hospitals to boast of. It seems like a great place to be. And yet, this is the city where the maternal mortality rates are higher than any other developed country in the world, vaccination rates are low, disparities in income exist out of proportion and at the end of every street corner one finds the evidence of extreme poverty. Which reality should we chose to look at today?
Three continents, 3 medical licences, 2 residencies, one fellowship, three graduate level degrees. What do you say, is that enough? And is it? The heart desires so much more. Some times the heart does not know where to stop. When does enough truly become enough?
One natural pregnancy, 5 failed intrauterine insemination, one intrauterine insemination that led to a pregnancy, two second trimester miscarriages, 4 failed in-vitro fertilization attempts. Do you see the writing on the wall or do you see your eventual goal just one step closer?
Children are dying due to preventable shootings. Is it worth the struggles we have been through to have a baby in this country, if I will constantly live in the fear that their school is no longer the safest place they could be in?
I like my home. I know it is not perfect and there is so much to do. There are problems which I will own. Only when I do that can I make a difference. Where do I stop? Who truly needs to change is it? Is it them or is it me?
Every time my body says enough is enough, my heart whispers, just one more time. Every time my friends and family tell me to give up, my resolves strengthens. It may turn out to be an unfulfilled wish, but at least I know I would have given it my best!
I worry about having children in this country, in this dying world for that matter. But when you see children doing what adults should have done, I see hope. I see hope for a brighter future. I see hope for a future with my children.
How do you chose to look at life? What is your perspective?
Filed under Determination, Disappointments, Emotions, Expectations, Experiences, Faith, Hope, Life, Motivation, Pain, Personal, Philosophy, Pregnancy, Priorities, Relationships, Resolutions, Society, Success, Thoughts, Truth, Update
I hope people can find true happiness.
I hope people care more, eat less, sleep more, cry less, laugh more, lie less.
I hope people can keep their differences aside, be more respectful.
I hope people would remind themselves we are all people, not man/woman, white/black, native/immigrant.
I hope the boundaries disappear, travel becomes easy.
I hope immigration officers don’t exist.
I hope I continue to live, travel, love, laugh, and believe.
I hope I make this world the kind of place I want to live in.
Filed under Attitude, Bonding, Communication, Culture, Emotions, Environment, Expectations, Experiences, Faith, Friends, Inspiration, Life, Living my life, Motivation, musings, Opinion, People, Personal, Philosophy, Plans, Priorities, Resolutions, Society, Thoughts, Travel
For anyone that is worried, this is the storm before the calm. We don’t have control over a lot of things in our life. But the drama has to play out. And that is all that it is. Humans are resilient people. We have faced many atrocities and we have always come out better and stronger. So fear not! We will be okay.
We need to do the best we can. For most part we don’t even do the best we can do for ourselves. So let’s start there. Pay attention to yourself, your health, family, work and things you do for fun. Once you have done that, think about the world you live in. This earth is important. So help it out. Waste less, recycle more. We will be okay.
Take a deep breath. It isn’t over, even if it may feel like that. I tell you again, as I tell myself: We will be okay.
Filed under A first, Advice, Challenges, Determination, Doubts, Environment, Faith, Fears, Issues, Life, Opinion, Society, Thoughts
- I am an Indian (Brown) immigrant in the United States. I have been here for 3 election cycles but I do not have the right to vote yet.
- I have friends both democrat and republican and we have been friends for over 12 years now.
- I have the benefit of not choosing sides, and I have the ability to look at things from an “outsider’s” point of view.
- I have hope for my adopted country.
Well after that disclaimer, I feel we need to talk to one another now more than ever. There was a CNN news piece that people weren’t going to be with their families over thanksgiving this year. That was just disheartening. Doesn’t matter what our political allegiance may be, I don’t think families should be affected by it.
Having said that, I feel we are very deeply affected. When a friend of mine who is a nurse at a hospital I used to intern at, was fervently supportive of Donald Trump, it made me question a few things.
- Did she not really like me as I did take up a position that could have gone to an American white doctor.
- Does she think I should go back to India?
- Does she not care about what the leader of this nation believes in, whether or not he respects women, people of color, considers climate change to be real and really truly cares about the working class.
- Her support of Donald Trump made me wonder what she truly felt about me.
- It made me question the future of our friendship.
I have time and again played back the years of knowing her. She was the only one I confided in about my deepest fears and darkest thoughts. I knew she would get me. At that time she did. I have been deeply troubled about the foundation of our friendship.
I knew I had to stop letting her posts on Facebook stop affecting me. I know heart of hearts, she is the same person she was when we became friends. She and I have grown up together as people and we have had each other’s back when no one else knew that we were crumbling. No politics can take that away from us.
So I decided I am not going to let petty politics change my love for her, my attitude towards her, and if need be I will stop following her on Facebook. What about the rest of the Facebook posts. People justifying their choice of Trump and being okay with “losing friends” over Facebook. What about those that fear or feel angry at people who did chose Trump claiming that they will delete those different from them.
I see a cry for acceptance, fear, desperation. I see the need to talk more, engage more, think more and act more. I already see people getting more involved with their community. I see people voicing themselves a little stronger/louder. I feel a little can go a long way and even though some of us think we are doomed, I see hope. A little adversity always brings out the best in people. Also, Facebook is not a measure of our relationships, people.
With that out in the open, I wish you all a very happy Thanksgiving weekend and a very happy holiday season.
Filed under Advice, Celebration, Communication, Confusion, Conversations, Decisions, Doubts, Emotions, Environment, Expectations, Experiences, Facts, Faith, Fear, focus, Friends, Friendship, Healing, Hope, Issues, Life, Opinion, People, Priorities, Questions., Rants, Resolutions, Society, Thoughts
Five things that don’t help when you have just lost a 6 month fetus!
1. Well wishers tip toeing around you. They want to say something “right”. But they have absolutely no clue what to say. There is no right or wrong. We lost a child. Or the potential of being a real person. We lost our dreams and hopes and aspirations. We lost our own potential. It’s like doing everything you could to get a job, you go through 6 rounds of interviews. In your gut you think you got it this time. Why would you get to the 6th round of it wasn’t meant to be. And yet the job goes to another candidate. Nothing against the other candidate. But why not me? So yeah. There is no “right” thing to say. But say something. It’s a freaking huge loss. Don’t hide behind political correctness.
2. People telling you, it wasn’t meant to be. Something better is in store for you. This I feel is the worst. This is probably the most true, but it’s also the worst thing to tell a would be mother. It seems like getting pregnant isn’t what it used to be. You know two people have awkward sex at the back of the car and wham! Positive test. It takes months and years of trying, doctors visits, medical treatments, artificial insemination/fertilizations yada-yaad-ya. And even then there are no guarantees. Then the ensuing pregnancy related issues of nausea, taste changes, gi upsets, mood swings, etc etc. Accompanied by doctors visits, injections, tests and more tests. When finally things settle and you start to feel the slightest hint of life inside -those sweet kicks. Then to lose a child. You got to be freaking kidding me. Something better??? Why wasn’t this it? I was so ready to put it all behind me.
3. Everyone around you seems to be getting pregnant and having healthy babies. How does that happen??? Why didn’t I get my success story? Some of my friends are having their second child. When they want that child- like on demand. And here it took me 16 months to get pregnant that too with help. I want to know what they are doing differently.
4. Your mom comes to your rescue. I’m sure women like their mums to be around. The whole mother-daughter relationship, understanding, bonds of love, etc. I don’t particularly relate to that. I have a pretty kickass mom. She was on a 15 hour flight to the US within 4 hours of being told, that I was taken to the hospital. She felt rightly so that we would need her. And we do. Just to have another human being, the most well meaning, caring, fabulous cook of an awesome person that she is. However, she insists on daily massages, an agarbatti to the gods, three meals, cheerful conversations and ice cream after every meal. I feel like I need to indulge in her before she loses her shit. She is barely holding it together being brave and strong for her daughter. But I see the pain she feels for her little girl in her eyes.
5. Having the best husband/ partner in life. If the man you lost a baby with was a bit of a scumbag, then you could throw a tantrum, stay in a bad mood, eat what you wanted to and shut him out of your life. Just to make sense of what life threw at you. But when you see relief intermixed with fear in the eyes of your man as you get wheeled out of the OR, feeling empty and defeated rather than pain and disappointment, you can’t push your rock away. You want to hold them and grieve your loss together. Sometimes you just don’t know how. We make promises of staying strong together. We tell each other we love each other. We promise we won’t give up. We hope to learn and grow from this experience. We will. Yet I know we both are struggling with the pain we each feel our ourselves and for each other.
Filed under Advice, Attitude, Camaraderie, Challenges, Communication, Condolences, Conversations, Culture, Death, Disappointments, Dreams, Emotions, Environment, Expectations, Experiences, Faith, Fears, Healing, Life, Loss, Love, Love hurts, Marriage, Pain, partner, People, Personal, Rants, Relationships, Society, Thoughts, Update, Wishes
First day of the 8th month of 2016! Below is where I am with my plans. Everything in bold is already done and dusted. Those in italics are a work in progress. Life has changed, plans have changed accordingly.
More important than the list that is only pertinent to my life is that life happens and just keeps happening. Plans are just plans. Something work out and other things stop being a priority. I like plans. They keep me on point. They remind me of all the things I have always wanted to do or considered important enough for me at some point to be done.
But that’s not how life turns out. I think it has been the most humbling experience of my life. Nothing has really worked out the way I have planned it. There came a time when I even stopped planning and there in lays the problem. I’ve learned that no plan is a sure path to failure. So that changed thanks to this list.
- Drink more water, 10K steps daily at a minimum
- Read the newspaper daily, not monthly
- Complete Master’s thesis – converted to PhD in Clinical Service
- Complete all pending research papers
- Write at least one paper every 3 months- working on several projects
- Network on a daily basis
- Get a better job- daily work in progress
- Log in a daily thought- daily work in progress
- Learn to bake bread, try new recipes, try new cuisines
- Meal prep weekly, weigh my food, log food, water and exercise diligently
- Weight training, swimming, yoga to be incorporated in weekly routines
- Read articles, books that don’t include school work, research articles, and news.
- Blog/Instagram/ Write reviews regularly. Make a schedule and stick with it.
- Sort out pending paper work from last year
- Continue and increase recycling- remember almost everything can be recycled
- Continue and do better with minimalistic living
- Let go of people, places, ideas and thoughts that don’t want to stay
- Remember that money saved is money earned
- Invest in property
- Travel to a destination outside of the US- Europe 🙂
- Learn Spanish-this is the year
*Joey from F.R.I.E.N.D.S way of saying hello..:)
Filed under Blogging, Camaraderie, Challenges, Communication, Culture, Decisions, Determination, Disappointments, Environment, Expectations, Faith, Fears, focus, Friends, Goal, Health, Hope, Issues, Living my life, Love, Milestones, Motivation, Personal, Relationships, Society, Success, Thoughts, Wishes