New York city, a place you get to call home with the sky scrappers and Wall Street, the theater scene along with the food scene. The best universities and hospitals to boast of. It seems like a great place to be. And yet, this is the city where the maternal mortality rates are higher than any other developed country in the world, vaccination rates are low, disparities in income exist out of proportion and at the end of every street corner one finds the evidence of extreme poverty. Which reality should we chose to look at today?
Three continents, 3 medical licences, 2 residencies, one fellowship, three graduate level degrees. What do you say, is that enough? And is it? The heart desires so much more. Some times the heart does not know where to stop. When does enough truly become enough?
One natural pregnancy, 5 failed intrauterine insemination, one intrauterine insemination that led to a pregnancy, two second trimester miscarriages, 4 failed in-vitro fertilization attempts. Do you see the writing on the wall or do you see your eventual goal just one step closer?
Children are dying due to preventable shootings. Is it worth the struggles we have been through to have a baby in this country, if I will constantly live in the fear that their school is no longer the safest place they could be in?
I like my home. I know it is not perfect and there is so much to do. There are problems which I will own. Only when I do that can I make a difference. Where do I stop? Who truly needs to change is it? Is it them or is it me?
Every time my body says enough is enough, my heart whispers, just one more time. Every time my friends and family tell me to give up, my resolves strengthens. It may turn out to be an unfulfilled wish, but at least I know I would have given it my best!
I worry about having children in this country, in this dying world for that matter. But when you see children doing what adults should have done, I see hope. I see hope for a brighter future. I see hope for a future with my children.
How do you chose to look at life? What is your perspective?
Filed under Determination, Disappointments, Emotions, Expectations, Experiences, Faith, Hope, Life, Motivation, Pain, Personal, Philosophy, Pregnancy, Priorities, Relationships, Resolutions, Society, Success, Thoughts, Truth, Update
Home is where the heart it. This doesn’t feel like home. Perhaps a year isn’t enough time to feel like one belongs. There is too much space that isn’t well inhabited, and there isn’t enough space for so many things that should rightfully find their place here.
The move was meant to bring good luck. I haven’t seen any evidence of that. If anything life has been tough, demanding and very heart breaking. This year has totally sucked so far. So where is the heart I wonder?
What do I need to do to get to where I’d like to be? How does one deep cleanse the old wounds to make way for the new possibilities? I often talk on this blog about letting people go. I sometimes wonder if people should be the easiest commodity to play with in our lives. It is fair to only keep the best quality of them around. What might be good for me, may not be good enough for someone else. When I am wholly and painfully aware that people are the most fragile beings, is it fair to trade them?
People are not the only commodity that one may need to deep cleanse from. What about memories to things and every thing in between that cause pain and hurt? How do we deep cleanse from those?
Filed under Abstract, Attitude, Challenges, Conversations, Disappointments, Emotions, Experiences, Healing, Health, Hope, Life, Loss, Love, Pain, People, Personal, Philosophy, Priorities, Questions., Relationships, Resolutions, Short, Society, Thoughts
..to 2017. I am not going anywhere, however dismal and limited my blogging has become, just in case you thought I was going to go.
Along with a good bye, comes reflection of the past year. I have been taking small steps to reduce my internal struggles and external battles in turn. One thing that has often come to my attention is that the more I am grateful for what I have the more I will have in turn. I don’t know how that works but here are a few things that I am grateful for from 2017.
- Travel: I got to go on vacation with my mother, I got to meet a dear friend in UK, and spend a lot of quality time with my husband.
- Health-mates: I finally opened up to people and joined Facebook walking challenges, Fitbit challenges. Finding solidarity from my health-mates has helped me stay on track.
- More husband time: My husband decided to quit his day job and follow his heart’s desire. I have seen him more, hugged him more, and talked to him. I have loved every minute I have got with him this past year.
- Becoming an advocate for myself. I have often struggled with “seeing both sides” I still do, however I have learned that there is something to be said about having an opinion. We are all entitled to one and it is our right to defend it. I have encouraged myself to be more vocal. That in turn has made me think of what really matters to me and it has been good to know myself better
- Podcasts: Have discovered the world of podcasts this past year and it has changed my life. So much out there.. it has been eye opening.
- Opening myself to the idea of adoption.. making the decision that adding a member to my family is more important to me than feeling defeated that “I” could not make a baby.
- Letting go: That was my only resolution last year.. and I have to say I have done a very good job of it. I let go of negative energy, people, things and everything that sucked the energy out of me. Instead I focused on myself, my work and the people I feel closest to, those that bring positivity in my life.
What are you thankful for?
Filed under Attitude, Blogging, Celebration, focus, Goal, Inspiration, Life, Living my life, Opinion, People, Personal, Philosophy, Plans, Priorities, Resolutions, Society, Thoughts, Wishes
And I have plenty of those. You know who you are. Who am I kidding. I don’t think anyone of you actually reads my blog. Either way, it is a bit alarming to me to find that I am almost nearing 40 and I have so many of my peers who are still single. I am talking about my female friends. They are smart, educated, independent, funny, come from good families, grounded and yet they are single. My husband and I talk about that sometimes. He has often expressed his disbelief that women such as these haven’t yet found a man, who would gladly be their life partners. These are well-traveled, well-spoken, successful women. He tells me that men would be lucky to have these women in their life. I agree with him, but I also think that those are the very reasons, these women find it hard to find men who will want to be with them.
Don’t get me wrong. I am not against men. Heck I am married to one. But is he more special than I give him credit for? I would expect most men to be like him. I expect most men I grew up to be like him. I expect men to be respectful, sincere, compassionate, patient, loving. That isn’t too much to ask for is it? And yet when I see men, marriages and people around me, I see what these single women see. It is pretty disdainful if you ask me. I don’t think men in many societies have learned to create that balance between hierarchy, leadership, team player all at once in a home setting. One cannot be an authoritarian leader at all times to be successful. You have to learn to give some, take some to make things work.
So the big questions is, are men today threatened rather than enamored by the woman of today? Have we set double standards for what is desirable in a man versus a woman?
To my single friends, after being married for almost 9 years, here is what I have to say to you:
- Never ever settle. Nothing is worth that.
- No one is perfect. Neither are you.
- Rather than height, weight, color concentrate on person and personality.
- Character is way more important than paycheck.
- Don’t look for your past lovers in your future.
- Work hard to find your partner. Since this is life long, work even harder than you worked for your college degree, your first job or that promotion. If you aren’t willing to put in that effort, how will you find a life-partner?
- Keep the biological clock in mind. It is a real thing.
- Be nice, be patient and be open to possibilities.
- Good luck!
Filed under A first, Attitude, Expectations, Experiences, Life, Opinion, People, Philosophy, Relationships, Society, Thoughts
Many a times when my soul is tortured I turn to Ted Talks. A few inspiring episodes later I am ready to take on the world again. Life circumstances have changed in our household. They aren’t life altering or soul shattering changes, just very small changes. I am learning that even the smallest changes which don’t necessarily change the big picture, also need a learning curve and an adjustment.
That learning curve and adjustment has been taking its toll on me. While I am working on fine tuning my emotional intelligence on current issues in my life I find myself struggling more and more with my stance in life. I am not blind with passion on any one thing. Perhaps my love for the people in my life follows some form of blindness, but nothing else. I have my beliefs I stand by, while I can completely understand yours. I may not accept them, but I know to respect them.
I blame my bringing up for it. My parents raised me to be accepting and non-judgmental. In today’s very polarized world I struggle because of my ability to stay neutral. I feel forced to take side, but I don’t want to lose my essence. I grew up to learn to respect, be tolerant and be accepting of what is different from me.
So while my soul was still tortured, I was looking for something on YouTube from Ted talks to soothe me. I came across this talk from Ash Beckham. I cried at the end of the talk. I will try and explain why. While I am not gay, or have secrets in my closet, I still struggle like all of us do. For once I felt my duality in thought and opinion was okay. It doesn’t have to be Ash or Jesus. I can be me and I don’t need to apologize for it.
Filed under Attitude, Challenges, Communication, Conversations, Culture, Expectations, Experiences, Goal, Life, Opinion, People, Personal, Philosophy, Relationships, Resolutions, Society, Thoughts
I hope people can find true happiness.
I hope people care more, eat less, sleep more, cry less, laugh more, lie less.
I hope people can keep their differences aside, be more respectful.
I hope people would remind themselves we are all people, not man/woman, white/black, native/immigrant.
I hope the boundaries disappear, travel becomes easy.
I hope immigration officers don’t exist.
I hope I continue to live, travel, love, laugh, and believe.
I hope I make this world the kind of place I want to live in.
Filed under Attitude, Bonding, Communication, Culture, Emotions, Environment, Expectations, Experiences, Faith, Friends, Inspiration, Life, Living my life, Motivation, musings, Opinion, People, Personal, Philosophy, Plans, Priorities, Resolutions, Society, Thoughts, Travel
There is always an internal struggle. The need to be loved and accepted versus the need to be right and righteous. More often than not the need to be loved empowers even the strongest of people. The grief of letting go of your principles hurts no less.
What does one do when one of the most sacred of relationships has no substance in it. The kind of relationship that poets have defended, novelists have written pages upon and those that are even backed by science. It is supposed to be the one relationship one can take for granted and rely upon all your life. What if that relationship never existed.
Resistance is a show of defiance, strength even. At times however, completely letting go, takes away the power from the other person. If you don’t react to abuse, the abuser has no power left over you. Sometimes and really only sometimes, show no resistance. They cannot push or pull you against anything.
What defines a good relationship? Loyalty? Unconditional love? Being blind to the other’s failings. Should they be blind to ours? Is it possible to be honest in our relationships any more? Are the little white lies the only true foundation of most relationships?
Pray do tell…
Filed under Abstract, Camaraderie, Communication, Disappointments, Life, Living my life, Pain, People, Personal, Philosophy, Questions., Rants, Relationships, Society, Thoughts