Category Archives: A first

The Sham Graduation

Do you know any graduate students in the United States of America? Perhaps the right question should be do you know any graduate student in USA enrolled in a premier institution who is pursuing a master’s degree, a PhD degree and who is going back into residency because despite the shouting from the rooftops about her love for research is essentially a doctor at heart.

If not, you have found yourself in the right place. So let me tell you about my Master’s graduation ceremony. It was my first and it was splendid. Like the first times generally are. Husband by my side, friends to cheer me on I had a moment where I wished my parents would be there to savor the moment. But that was it. It was only that moment. My name was called, I walked up to the stairs, I was hooded, congratulated, hugged called a super star, I collected my degree… er…. well that’s where the sham comes in.. more on that later.. took a professional photograph, walked of the stage, met a few of my faculty, got called the best of the lot, had me beaming, my husband beaming, lots of hugs and photographs later, I was home.

Back to my reality, I have a master’s thesis pending, a Phd proposal pending, a Phd qualifier in less than 6 weeks, a trip to Europe for 10 days (very excited but at such a bad time), and then the start to residency on July 1st. So what exactly did my degree say- It said it was an I-Owe-You! It was for all of us as our degrees will be mailed out at a later date. Mine is contingent to my thesis submission. I am no where close to being done. It will get done, I am confident. Just not yet.

In my mind, I am gunning for the PhD. That day I will ensure my mother will be there for my big day. I will let some of my closest friends know too. Perhaps that day I could truly walk tall and proud and finally feel accomplished.

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Filed under A first, Attitude, Celebration, Determination, Friends, Goal, Life, Living my life, Milestones, Motivation, People, Personal, Resolutions, Update, Wishes

Thought-pourri

And we lose yet another family member. Of the three son-in-laws my grandfather had, none remain. I was particularly close to this one. Even called him papa at one time. His departure hits very close to home for more reasons than one. His wife was like a mother to my mother more than a sister. He never shied away from his own imposed responsibility even though she left us so many years ago. I truly hope he has joined his wife and are now giving my father great company. He was rather fond of them.

If for a minute people could let their egos aside, so much can be achieved. Working in a small, confined, secure group felt like the perfect place to get some good done! But that is not to be. We spend more time pacifying egos and catering to imaginary hierarchy than actually forging ahead with great ideas and hopeful hearts.

My father had the unique ability to always see the best in every situation. While I have struggled to see anything good in our current situation, I finally see the light. I see people coming together for a common cause. I see women standing up for other women. I see people being alert, taking responsibility and having a voice. And I see hope. How can I not, when people are coming together in this divided world, even if it is because of all the wrong reasons!

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Filed under A first, Challenges, Decisions, Emotions, Environment, Hope, Life, Loss, Pain, People, Personal, Sad, Society, Thoughts

Reflection 004

I thought nothing would hurt the way your loss did. Until President Obama finished his term. The pain isn’t as sharp, but some days I feel like I lost my dad all over again.

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Filed under A first, Abstract, Emotions, Life, Loss, Pain, Society, Thoughts

How unlucky can I get?

I have never had any luck. I have come to believe no one really does. Success comes from working towards what you want. Some times despite our best efforts things still don’t go our way. My philosophy has changed from, I always have a plan B to thank god the English alphabets go on until “Z”.

I have resigned to the lack of luck so much that I would never buy a lottery ticket, never gamble, never buy raffle tickets, never do anything in which “luck” has to play a part. It got so bad that last year at a deli when the cashier said me,”Hey want to scratch this card for a free coffee?”. I immediately said, “no, luck is never on my side”. “Try it” he said, “it wont cost you”. So I did and didn’t earn a free coffee. I shrugged my shoulders and started to pay for the coffee. The cashier must have felt really bad for me so he offered the coffee on the house.

Pity is even worse than lack of luck in my books, but to let him feel better about his generosity I graciously accepted the free coffee.

For the past few weeks I have been thinking about that interaction. I have been wondering if I have been thwarting my own lady luck’s throat. Perhaps she is around all the time and I just don’t see it. I did end up getting that coffee at no cost.

So in the spirit of letting go, I will try to change my attitude towards life and be more open to the goodness that is begging to come my way. What do you think?

 

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Filed under A first, Abstract, Attitude, Challenges, Determination, Expectations, Experiences, Life, People, Personal, Philosophy, Society

We will be okay!

For anyone that is worried, this is the storm before the calm. We don’t have control over a lot of things in our life. But the drama has to play out. And that is all that it is. Humans are resilient people. We have faced many atrocities and we have always come out better and stronger. So fear not! We will be okay.

We need to do the best we can. For most part we don’t even do the best we can do for ourselves. So let’s start there. Pay attention to yourself, your health, family, work and things you do for fun. Once you have done that, think about the world you live in. This earth is important. So help it out. Waste less, recycle more. We will be okay.

Take a deep breath. It isn’t over, even if it may feel like that. I tell you again, as I tell myself: We will be okay.

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Filed under A first, Advice, Challenges, Determination, Doubts, Environment, Faith, Fears, Issues, Life, Opinion, Society, Thoughts

Resolution time!

So much has happened since I last wrote on this blog, and I do hope to write about it, but for now it is time to make some resolutions.

Last year I had a long list going. I even attempted to do status updates. I have been enjoying coming up with resolutions. I think the sense of achievement at the end of it, keeps me going.

This year I am keeping it simple! I am going to have just one aim this year.

phonto-1

What are your resolves for 2017?!

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Filed under A first, Blogging, Challenges, Goal, Hope, Life, Living my life, Motivation

Monday blues

I feel like I am a life time behind on things. Things I wanted to do, I need to achieve. My personal goals, wishes and hopes. I seem to have no motivation. I am worried. I have asked myself at least 3 times today, do I need to call the counselor. I have personally benefited from a session with the counselor, but it wasn’t in ways it was intended to be. I realized then that no one can tell me how to feel. What I feel I feel and I have no control over it. The person I pay a hefty fee to just listen to me, has even less control over my feelings. I realized that if I spoke to myself more than I already do, then maybe I wont be in all the muck I usually find myself in. I need to rationalize my thoughts. Hence thinking about the need to call a counselor is worrisome at best. When exactly and where did I lose my shit?

I am amazed at how perfect everyone’s life looks from the outside. I have had friends tell me they envy my life, marriage, friendships, accomplishments.. the list goes on. I sometimes fall into that trap myself. I find myself envying others. After all people always project the best of themselves. Even though we are all flawed, our relationships are a constant work in progress and we sleep every night along with our insecurities and unfulfilled aspirations. We remain alone in our struggles and fears. I am tired of putting my best self forward all the time. Can I stop being an adult sometimes?

Another week starts. 5 weeks to go until the new year and we can all start pretending the new year will some how be different from the last. Happy Monday y’all.

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Filed under A first, Abstract, Always one step behind, Emotions, Environment, Expectations, Experiences, Life, Personal, Society, Thoughts