Category Archives: Emotions

I am taking my fall back!

It is bloody hard!

Fall has been one of my favorite seasons for the longest time. As the winds get a bit cooler, the leaves change color, and pumpkins spring up everywhere I have always felt the promise of friends, fun, celebrations, food, wine and cake. So many birthdays in fall, would make me so happy.

This year has been different.

As the winds get a bit cooler, the leaves change color, and pumpkins spring up every where I am reminded of the loss I have experienced in my favorite time of the year. It is bloody hard to get excited about life.

Perhaps life wanted to sober me up. Even though I have the ability to get fully excited about fall, I am  reminded that many  people around me are dealing with terrible life experiences. As you know life happens to everyone.

So while I stand in solidarity with everyone who is also experiencing my struggle, I have decided I stand up tall and enjoy Fall!

 

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Filed under Abstract, Attitude, Bonding, Camaraderie, Celebration, Challenges, Communication, Condolences, Decisions, Determination, Emotions, Experiences, Goal, Hope, Life, Loss, Motivation, Pain, Personal, Priorities, Relationships, Thoughts, Wishes

I want to be your bride all over again.

When the boy said he wanted to marry me, I told him I had my career on my mind. He then spoke to my father and asked his permission to marry me, with a vow to fulfill all my dreams.,be it career, travel, family, food, all with love, compassion, care and respect.

And he has kept his promise beyond my wildest expectations. He has done so every single day. Despite our fights, silences, disagreements, frustrations, setbacks, intermingled with long sighs, doubts and disappointments, the boy has been rock solid. He has been my friend, husband, confidant, and the best travel buddy I could have asked for.

He is the person I try all my new recipes on, the confidant who listens to my daily woes. He is the friend I want to be held by when I’m having a bad day, the voice I want to hear when I need to know that I will survive.  He is that man whose smile brightens up my day, whose gentle strokes on my back soothe my very worst days. He is the husband who showed me how to love my family more, be more patient, be more giving. He is the guy who makes me a better person.

The day I married you, was the best and most fun day in my life. That day was magical but I had no idea that I was embarking on the best journey of my life. For all the laughs, tears, hugs, phone conversations, kisses, long walks on the beach, comfortable silences, star gazing nights, new year’s eve filled with fireworks and more, I want to be your bride all over again.

*No it’s not our anniversary or his birthday. 🙂

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Filed under Emotions, Expectations, Experiences, Friendship, Life, Love, Marriage, Men, musings, partner, People, Personal, Relationships, Thoughts, Travel, Truth, Wishes

Today might be a good day…

I was in 8th grade when I first realized I could have a best friend. At that time I didn’t know that I had also found my friend for life. That is not the point of this post. This new person in my life gave me a gift then, that comes in very handy when I feel at my lowest, or when I am most scared or deal with self doubt. Self doubt is a funny thing. No one but you go down the rabbit hole with self doubt. And no one but you can scoop you out of it.

This is not a good week. I won’t get into the details but someone in my position got admitted to the hospital. Anxiety was her diagnosis and it has thrown people around me into a loop. Oh! Damn you guys are stressed! Yes Sherlock Holmes – it is taking every fiber in my body to keep sane. So thank you for realizing what a huge effort I am making.

Do I really need the validation from another person I often ask myself. How many times do I give myself a pat on the back. How often do I validate myself? Do you? So today seems like a good day to make use of the great gift my friend for life from all those years ago gave me. On a very dreary days, she said why don’t you write 50 things you like about yourself. It was tough then. I know I can’t get to 50 but today I would like to list 5. Just to brighten up my day, remind myself that I have worked very hard and that I should be kinder and more generous to me.

  1. I am a very generous person. Not only with money, but more importantly with time. I will drop anything that I was doing to be there for people when they have needed me. They didn’t even have to be my closest friends. I believe people in your life are your biggest assets.
  2. I am kind. I consciously work towards lending a sympathetic ear, sharing my life experiences if it could help someone. I try and not judge people, instead I try and understand where they are coming from and then try to help them from within their own constraints
  3. I don’t give up. Doesn’t matter what is thrown at me, if I put my mind to something, I don’t give up. That has paid off. I walk with my chin high, my heart full of gratitude and sleep well knowing I made the people who care about me the most proud.
  4. I am hard working. Well you got to be if you are the kind of person who doesn’t give up right? I always used to think I am the laziest person around. I still think I am. I am always looking to find efficiency in everything I do, so I don’t have to work as hard. But nothing replaces hard work. Not even efficiency. I can proudly say I have reached where I have, only because of my hard work.
  5. I have people in my life that I love, unconditionally. It is not to say that they are perfect or the best thing that anyone could ask for. They are human just like I am. Imperfect and annoying  but real. We have had fights, misunderstandings and long periods of silences, said best friend included. But the days when I struggle with self doubt, anxiety takes over my mind and I cannot pull myself out of my self dug out rabbit hole, I think of all the people who never gave up on me, who call me their friend, who don’t stop loving me even on the days I struggle to love myself. To have these people in my life to love and find purpose in my life, I would say is what I love the most about my life.

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Filed under A first, Doubts, Emotions, Experiences, Friendship, Life, Living my life, People, Personal, Relationships, Society, Thoughts

The unlikely friendship

She is a mother of 7 and younger. She is much older and yearns to have.

She is religious and conservative. She is spiritual and a liberal.

She believes she is superior. She believes in no such thing.

She hopes. She awaits.

She has settled. She continues the search.

She is wise. She is learned

She is conflicted. She is the conflict.

They make the most unlikely of friendships.

 

 

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Filed under Abstract, Bonding, Camaraderie, Conversations, Emotions, Experiences, Friends, Friendship, Hope, Life, Living my life, People, Relationships, Society, Thoughts

Is it really over?

Quieter days, shut doors at night. The lost love, doesn’t feel as bad.

Missing are the conversations, hugs and kisses. Those days are long gone.

The sun doesn’t shine as bright, nor does the rain come down hard.

Has autumn made its way already? Is Summer really gone?

 

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Filed under Abstract, Disappointments, Doubts, Emotions, Experiences, Friendship, Life, Loss, Love, Love hurts, Marriage, Pain, partner, People, Personal, Questions., Relationships, Short, Society, Thoughts

A girl can hope..

I hope people can find true happiness.

I hope people care more, eat less, sleep more, cry less, laugh more, lie less.

I hope people can keep their differences aside, be more respectful.

I hope people would remind themselves we are all people, not man/woman, white/black, native/immigrant.

I hope the boundaries disappear, travel becomes easy.

I hope immigration officers don’t exist.

I hope I continue to live, travel, love, laugh, and believe.

I hope I make this world the kind of place I want to live in.

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Filed under Attitude, Bonding, Communication, Culture, Emotions, Environment, Expectations, Experiences, Faith, Friends, Inspiration, Life, Living my life, Motivation, musings, Opinion, People, Personal, Philosophy, Plans, Priorities, Resolutions, Society, Thoughts, Travel

Happy Mother’s day!

I could have been getting hugs and kisses and love and perhaps a handmade card and a nice little jewelry box from my husband. Today I could be celebrating mother’s day with two of my children. An older boy who would have just turned 2 and a younger daughter who would be barely 5 months. There could have been picture taken that we would have held dear for all of our lives. I would perhaps be very tired from nursing my new born and have my mom cook me my favorite meal.  We would have celebrated this day together.

But that wasn’t meant to be. I have a certain ache in my heart thinking of the could be, would be and perhaps. Life has other plans I tell myself today. The mind wanders to orphaned children in this world. How their heart aches to get love and mine to give. I think of all the unwanted/unplanned pregnancies. Mothers who neglected and abused their children make me angry. I am not alone, I remind myself. There are many who want to have children and cannot or who got pregnant but lost their babies. I don’t particularly care for women who are undecided. Right now that is making me angry too.

I don’t want to be an unreasonable or angry person. So I call my mom. She always puts life into perspective and reminds me that I am more than my loss and suffering. I am not sure if I should wish her today. She doesn’t subscribe to these days. She calls them  Hallmark days (Hallmark makes money off these days). I wish her anyway. She thanks me and immediately asks me about my graduation ceremony last week. I sense her pride as I tell her about my walk and the high praise my professors bestowed upon me. She asks me about my thesis and my future plans. She wants to buy me a graduation present. She is adamant. She says “her baby” deserves it.

For a moment I forget my pain and I think of what to ask. In that moment I realize how truly blessed I am. I have a mother who loves me and supports me and thinks the world of me. I have the best role model in my mother not only as a human being but professionally. I have experienced unconditional love and undying support. I have seen her be the pillar of strength and hold my family together. I have an anchor in her, not many can boast of. I don’t think anything can surpass such a unique gift all wrapped into one.

I tell her I have her and that is all I’ll ever need. Thank you and Happy Mother’s day mom!

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