Category Archives: Emotions

Happy Mother’s day!

I could have been getting hugs and kisses and love and perhaps a handmade card and a nice little jewelry box from my husband. Today I could be celebrating mother’s day with two of my children. An older boy who would have just turned 2 and a younger daughter who would be barely 5 months. There could have been picture taken that we would have held dear for all of our lives. I would perhaps be very tired from nursing my new born and have my mom cook me my favorite meal.  We would have celebrated this day together.

But that wasn’t meant to be. I have a certain ache in my heart thinking of the could be, would be and perhaps. Life has other plans I tell myself today. The mind wanders to orphaned children in this world. How their heart aches to get love and mine to give. I think of all the unwanted/unplanned pregnancies. Mothers who neglected and abused their children make me angry. I am not alone, I remind myself. There are many who want to have children and cannot or who got pregnant but lost their babies. I don’t particularly care for women who are undecided. Right now that is making me angry too.

I don’t want to be an unreasonable or angry person. So I call my mom. She always puts life into perspective and reminds me that I am more than my loss and suffering. I am not sure if I should wish her today. She doesn’t subscribe to these days. She calls them  Hallmark days (Hallmark makes money off these days). I wish her anyway. She thanks me and immediately asks me about my graduation ceremony last week. I sense her pride as I tell her about my walk and the high praise my professors bestowed upon me. She asks me about my thesis and my future plans. She wants to buy me a graduation present. She is adamant. She says “her baby” deserves it.

For a moment I forget my pain and I think of what to ask. In that moment I realize how truly blessed I am. I have a mother who loves me and supports me and thinks the world of me. I have the best role model in my mother not only as a human being but professionally. I have experienced unconditional love and undying support. I have seen her be the pillar of strength and hold my family together. I have an anchor in her, not many can boast of. I don’t think anything can surpass such a unique gift all wrapped into one.

I tell her I have her and that is all I’ll ever need. Thank you and Happy Mother’s day mom!

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Filed under Culture, Death, Disappointments, Emotions, Experiences, Life, Loss, Love, musings, Pain, Personal, Relationships, Sad

If only I could say this to you. 

Your message made me really sad. Just like our last conversation on the phone did. I never had the liberty to develop any feelings for you as I knew about R even before you told me about her (Curtesy PS). As much as I enjoyed talking to you then and felt the warmth of your affection, I was always aware that you were spoken for. Yet the rude shock of being discarded as a nuisance was hurtful.( You said now that you are married, it wouldn’t be right by your wife for us to continue talking). Apart from our spoiled rice fiasco in your dorm room, nothing transpired between us that I could hold onto. Instead I felt a certain distance from you which I had come to respect. That day in London remains a heartwarming memory, and always brings a smile to my face. I want to hold onto that memory. While I applaud your effort at honesty, I think what makes me sad is that you allowed yourself to be selfish then and you are being selfish now. It was about you and doing the right by R then, it’s about your pain now. It doesn’t feel like I feature any where in your thoughts/considerations/decisions. That makes me sad. Even friends don’t treat their friends like that, let alone someone who may once have had a kind of love for someone that could be painful. 
I don’t know if this is good bye yet, but do forgive me the day that it is. 

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Filed under Communication, Conversations, Decisions, Disappointments, Emotions, Experiences, Friends, Life, Loss, Love hurts, Pain, People, Personal, Rants, Relationships, Sad, Thoughts

Heart break 

I called it friendship. You called it a favor. We both knew it was much more. Only you knew it was wrong. I took my heartbreak and left. It wasn’t forever as you have come back into my life. Only to break my heart again. 

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Filed under Conversations, Disappointments, Emotions, Friendship, Hope, Life, Love hurts, Men, Pain, People, Personal, Relationships, Sad, Short, Society, Thoughts

Thought-pourri

And we lose yet another family member. Of the three son-in-laws my grandfather had, none remain. I was particularly close to this one. Even called him papa at one time. His departure hits very close to home for more reasons than one. His wife was like a mother to my mother more than a sister. He never shied away from his own imposed responsibility even though she left us so many years ago. I truly hope he has joined his wife and are now giving my father great company. He was rather fond of them.

If for a minute people could let their egos aside, so much can be achieved. Working in a small, confined, secure group felt like the perfect place to get some good done! But that is not to be. We spend more time pacifying egos and catering to imaginary hierarchy than actually forging ahead with great ideas and hopeful hearts.

My father had the unique ability to always see the best in every situation. While I have struggled to see anything good in our current situation, I finally see the light. I see people coming together for a common cause. I see women standing up for other women. I see people being alert, taking responsibility and having a voice. And I see hope. How can I not, when people are coming together in this divided world, even if it is because of all the wrong reasons!

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Filed under A first, Challenges, Decisions, Emotions, Environment, Hope, Life, Loss, Pain, People, Personal, Sad, Society, Thoughts

Reflection 004

I thought nothing would hurt the way your loss did. Until President Obama finished his term. The pain isn’t as sharp, but some days I feel like I lost my dad all over again.

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Filed under A first, Abstract, Emotions, Life, Loss, Pain, Society, Thoughts

Reflection 003

Papa, “I don’t think people like me”, I said one day. I was just stating an observation. “Why would you say that”, he asked. People tease me in school. They make fun of my hair and my round face. They call me names. He smiled, and he asked me, ” Are you sure they don’t like you?” He said no more.

No I wasn’t sure that they didn’t like me. So I told myself if they were talking to me, teasing me-yeah semantics they must actually like me. I learned to laugh off the unwanted attention.

For the longest time, I thought my father had ruined my perception of people’s reaction to me. I read people wrong. Perhaps I do. But what he did right was instill a level of confidence in my self-worth and my own being.  Nothing anyone says, can instill any doubts in me about myself.

Thank you, papa.

Now only if people who retorted to this New York times article could have been more proud of their own achievements, than belittle it by being “offended” by a cartoonist.

 

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Filed under Abstract, Attitude, Communication, Confusion, Conversations, Doubts, Emotions, Experiences, Hope, Humor, Inspiration, Life, musings, Philosophy

Monday blues

I feel like I am a life time behind on things. Things I wanted to do, I need to achieve. My personal goals, wishes and hopes. I seem to have no motivation. I am worried. I have asked myself at least 3 times today, do I need to call the counselor. I have personally benefited from a session with the counselor, but it wasn’t in ways it was intended to be. I realized then that no one can tell me how to feel. What I feel I feel and I have no control over it. The person I pay a hefty fee to just listen to me, has even less control over my feelings. I realized that if I spoke to myself more than I already do, then maybe I wont be in all the muck I usually find myself in. I need to rationalize my thoughts. Hence thinking about the need to call a counselor is worrisome at best. When exactly and where did I lose my shit?

I am amazed at how perfect everyone’s life looks from the outside. I have had friends tell me they envy my life, marriage, friendships, accomplishments.. the list goes on. I sometimes fall into that trap myself. I find myself envying others. After all people always project the best of themselves. Even though we are all flawed, our relationships are a constant work in progress and we sleep every night along with our insecurities and unfulfilled aspirations. We remain alone in our struggles and fears. I am tired of putting my best self forward all the time. Can I stop being an adult sometimes?

Another week starts. 5 weeks to go until the new year and we can all start pretending the new year will some how be different from the last. Happy Monday y’all.

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Filed under A first, Abstract, Always one step behind, Emotions, Environment, Expectations, Experiences, Life, Personal, Society, Thoughts