Category Archives: Priorities

Today is not that day..in 55

Another one bites the dust. Is this the new go to? Is that the only way out of our troubles?

Life is tough; has been for a while. Some days I wonder if that was my answer?

I look around to remind myself, get past just one more day. Today is just not that day…

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What do you really want!

What do you tell yourself everyday, every night, every minute. What do you dream of when you sleep at night and when you are wide awake. What is it that burns a fire inside of you? What makes you wake up every morning and sleep well at night. Have you every asked yourself, what do you really want for yourself?

On this crisp spring morning, what are you truly wanting!

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Today’s mantra

Clear your mind of Cant

 

Things to do this week:

One clinical day, one medical-education day, 5 one hour presentations, 3 meetings for graduate school, master’s thesis revisions for submission due, PhD proposal hard deadlines due. Apart from this regular work week, I have guests coming to stay with us from India. I am beyond excited and can barely concentrate on what needs to be done.

So today’s mantra: Clear your mind of can’t. I’ll let you all know if I survive this week!

How does your week look like?

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It comes down to people..

I wrote a few months ago about my struggle with a friendship. The current political climate does not help at all. The insecurity of not knowing what someone really thinks of you, is crippling to a relationship. But does one’s political affiliation make them a bad person/friend/citizen?

I am not the one to answer any of these questions. Unfortunately, this also appears to be the biggest struggle of our time. We just don’t know who our friends are. We don’t know how valued we are by the people around us. As humans we all need the validation of ourselves. The social structure around us, is diminishing the value of self esteem.

In a society where the number of likes on a Facebook picture/post or the number of hearts on an Instagram picture is more reassuring than meeting a friend in person or a one on one phone call, the factors that play into self validation have changed.

Does that change how humans feel? Is having that 3 am friend enough? Is having one friend enough when the world seeks validations from hundreds/thousands? Is there value in human contact. Of any kind?

With the changing landscape of human behavior I often ask myself, am I expecting too much from people around me? Is it too much to ask for mutual respect, compassion, affection and the ability to once in a while put the other before your own self-interests. I have often thought about what makes a successful relation and every time, it comes down to the people in it!

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Perspective…

New York city, a place you get to call home with the sky scrappers and Wall Street, the theater scene along with the food scene. The best universities and hospitals to boast of. It seems like a great place to be. And yet, this is the city where the maternal mortality rates are higher than any other developed country in the world, vaccination rates are low, disparities in income exist out of proportion and at the end of every street corner one finds the evidence of extreme poverty. Which reality should we chose to look at today?

Three continents, 3 medical licences, 2 residencies, one fellowship, three graduate level degrees. What do you say, is that enough? And is it? The heart desires so much more. Some times the heart does not know where to stop. When does enough truly become enough?

One natural pregnancy, 5 failed intrauterine insemination,  one intrauterine insemination that led to a pregnancy, two second trimester miscarriages, 4 failed in-vitro fertilization attempts. Do you see the writing on the wall or do you see your eventual goal just one step closer?

Children are dying due to preventable shootings. Is it worth the struggles we have been through to have a baby in this country, if I will constantly live in the fear that their school is no longer the safest place they could be in?

I like my home. I know it is not perfect and there is so much to do. There are problems which I will own.  Only when I do that can I make a difference. Where do I stop? Who truly needs to change is it? Is it them or is it me?

Every time my body says enough is enough, my heart whispers, just one more time. Every time my friends and family tell me to give up, my resolves strengthens. It may turn out to be an unfulfilled wish, but at least I know I would have given it my best!

I worry about having children in this country, in this dying world for that matter.  But when you see children  doing what adults should have done, I see hope. I see hope for a brighter future. I see hope for a future with my children.

How do you chose to look at life? What is your perspective?

 

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Deep cleanse..

Home is where the heart it. This doesn’t feel like home. Perhaps a year isn’t enough time to feel like one belongs. There is too much space that isn’t well inhabited, and there isn’t enough space for so many things that should rightfully find their place here.

The move was meant to bring good luck. I haven’t seen any evidence of that. If anything life has been tough, demanding and very heart breaking. This year has totally sucked so far. So where is the heart I wonder?

What do I need to do to get to where I’d like to be? How does one deep cleanse the old wounds to make way for the new possibilities? I often talk on this blog about letting people go. I sometimes wonder if people should be the easiest commodity to play with in our lives. It is fair to only keep the best quality of them around. What might be good for me, may not be good enough for someone else. When I am wholly and painfully aware that people are the most fragile beings, is it fair to trade them?

People are not the only commodity that one may need to deep cleanse from. What about memories to things and every thing in between that cause pain and hurt? How do we deep cleanse from those?

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Not today..

An unusual text message. Unlikely person to send it. Unlikely time to get it. Something had to be wrong.  It was. I lost a part of my childhood instantaneously. I lost my mind, had my heart broken and my soul shattered. The one person I know I can always turn to, didn’t seem like the one I should turn to. Despair, pain, and loss of my footing is an unknown and uncomfortable place to be. Three weeks out now and I am still grappling with this new reality.

An unknown future lies ahead of me. Some of the uncertainty is my own making. Just like grief, some of us deal with stress with the five stages. I have surpassed denial and anger. Current state lies some where between depression and bargaining. Some days I want to give it all up and then other days, I remind myself I wasn’t born to give up. As in Finding Nemo, one just has to keep swimming.

An unlikely friendship could have been nurtured, but as time passes it seems to be very unlikely. There is very little space for disrespect, flakiness, and entitled behavior. Fully aware that it is hard to create bonds of friendship as an adult, I generally keep a high threshold for poor judgement and behavior. Something I have learned in my years of making and keeping good friends, is that if we believe we deserve good quality people in our life, then we don’t need to settle for poor quality relationships. We just have to keep the faith and continue striving for good.

Not all is lost as I start this year on a rather somber and humbling note.  I celebrated 9 years with my wonderful husband. We have laughed and cried together through this beautiful life journey. Despite its ups and downs I would go on this exact same journey with this man many many times over.  A quote by Ellen DeGeneres  perhaps summarizes my relationship a tad bit better, ” To be loved is wonderful, to be understood is profound”

So how has your new year been so far?

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