Category Archives: Loss

Is it really over?

Quieter days, shut doors at night. The lost love, doesn’t feel as bad.

Missing are the conversations, hugs and kisses. Those days are long gone.

The sun doesn’t shine as bright, nor does the rain come down hard.

Has autumn made its way already? Is Summer really gone?

 

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Happy Mother’s day!

I could have been getting hugs and kisses and love and perhaps a handmade card and a nice little jewelry box from my husband. Today I could be celebrating mother’s day with two of my children. An older boy who would have just turned 2 and a younger daughter who would be barely 5 months. There could have been picture taken that we would have held dear for all of our lives. I would perhaps be very tired from nursing my new born and have my mom cook me my favorite meal.  We would have celebrated this day together.

But that wasn’t meant to be. I have a certain ache in my heart thinking of the could be, would be and perhaps. Life has other plans I tell myself today. The mind wanders to orphaned children in this world. How their heart aches to get love and mine to give. I think of all the unwanted/unplanned pregnancies. Mothers who neglected and abused their children make me angry. I am not alone, I remind myself. There are many who want to have children and cannot or who got pregnant but lost their babies. I don’t particularly care for women who are undecided. Right now that is making me angry too.

I don’t want to be an unreasonable or angry person. So I call my mom. She always puts life into perspective and reminds me that I am more than my loss and suffering. I am not sure if I should wish her today. She doesn’t subscribe to these days. She calls them  Hallmark days (Hallmark makes money off these days). I wish her anyway. She thanks me and immediately asks me about my graduation ceremony last week. I sense her pride as I tell her about my walk and the high praise my professors bestowed upon me. She asks me about my thesis and my future plans. She wants to buy me a graduation present. She is adamant. She says “her baby” deserves it.

For a moment I forget my pain and I think of what to ask. In that moment I realize how truly blessed I am. I have a mother who loves me and supports me and thinks the world of me. I have the best role model in my mother not only as a human being but professionally. I have experienced unconditional love and undying support. I have seen her be the pillar of strength and hold my family together. I have an anchor in her, not many can boast of. I don’t think anything can surpass such a unique gift all wrapped into one.

I tell her I have her and that is all I’ll ever need. Thank you and Happy Mother’s day mom!

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Filed under Culture, Death, Disappointments, Emotions, Experiences, Life, Loss, Love, musings, Pain, Personal, Relationships, Sad

If only I could say this to you. 

Your message made me really sad. Just like our last conversation on the phone did. I never had the liberty to develop any feelings for you as I knew about R even before you told me about her (Curtesy PS). As much as I enjoyed talking to you then and felt the warmth of your affection, I was always aware that you were spoken for. Yet the rude shock of being discarded as a nuisance was hurtful.( You said now that you are married, it wouldn’t be right by your wife for us to continue talking). Apart from our spoiled rice fiasco in your dorm room, nothing transpired between us that I could hold onto. Instead I felt a certain distance from you which I had come to respect. That day in London remains a heartwarming memory, and always brings a smile to my face. I want to hold onto that memory. While I applaud your effort at honesty, I think what makes me sad is that you allowed yourself to be selfish then and you are being selfish now. It was about you and doing the right by R then, it’s about your pain now. It doesn’t feel like I feature any where in your thoughts/considerations/decisions. That makes me sad. Even friends don’t treat their friends like that, let alone someone who may once have had a kind of love for someone that could be painful. 
I don’t know if this is good bye yet, but do forgive me the day that it is. 

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Thought-pourri

And we lose yet another family member. Of the three son-in-laws my grandfather had, none remain. I was particularly close to this one. Even called him papa at one time. His departure hits very close to home for more reasons than one. His wife was like a mother to my mother more than a sister. He never shied away from his own imposed responsibility even though she left us so many years ago. I truly hope he has joined his wife and are now giving my father great company. He was rather fond of them.

If for a minute people could let their egos aside, so much can be achieved. Working in a small, confined, secure group felt like the perfect place to get some good done! But that is not to be. We spend more time pacifying egos and catering to imaginary hierarchy than actually forging ahead with great ideas and hopeful hearts.

My father had the unique ability to always see the best in every situation. While I have struggled to see anything good in our current situation, I finally see the light. I see people coming together for a common cause. I see women standing up for other women. I see people being alert, taking responsibility and having a voice. And I see hope. How can I not, when people are coming together in this divided world, even if it is because of all the wrong reasons!

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Reflection 004

I thought nothing would hurt the way your loss did. Until President Obama finished his term. The pain isn’t as sharp, but some days I feel like I lost my dad all over again.

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A very happy birthday to us!

Last week starting Sunday had to be the best and the worst week for me this year.

Sunday kicked off Diwali celebrations in our new apartment. I wasn’t up to company, celebrations, or even embracing the new place. I am not very good with change. But perhaps change is exactly what we needed.

I love birthdays in general. Mine most of all. EVERYONE should know that. This year has been miserably tough. Every birthday I am reminded that I lost my first baby just a day after my birthday. This year I had hoped my second baby would make it to my birthday so we could have had a fighting chance. That didn’t happen either. I almost didn’t want to live through the day, because I didn’t know if I had it in me to face the potential burst of emotions.

The birthday came despite my denial with a promise that four days later it would be my husband’s. The old man turned 40 this year. I decided to give him a birthday he could feel loved, honored and appreciated for who he is! So I took solace that I had something else to think about.

Last week my husband and I experienced pouring in of love, affection, hugs, phone calls and messages. People came out in numbers to join us in our attempt to celebrate life that exists and forget even if for just a second of the life that didn’t make it. I am touched by the effort our friends made to take time out of their busy schedules to ensure we were made to feel special and loved.

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Even though this was a tough week to live by, the universe had other plan for us. With the love we have experienced in the last one week, I feel we are stronger and more prepared for the challenges that lie ahead of us. I got to make my husband feel loved and appreciated and nothing makes me happier than a 40 year old man, feel like a young boy again.

A very happy birthday to both of us! I am ready for the world again 🙂

 

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Friday fives

Five things that don’t help when you have just lost a 6 month fetus!

1. Well wishers tip toeing around you. They want to say something “right”. But they have absolutely no clue what to say. There is no right or wrong. We lost a child. Or the potential of being a real person. We lost our dreams and hopes and aspirations. We lost our own potential. It’s like doing everything you could to get a job, you go through 6 rounds of interviews. In your gut you think you got it this time. Why would you get to the 6th round of it wasn’t meant to be. And yet the job goes to another candidate. Nothing against the other candidate. But why not me? So yeah. There is no “right” thing to say. But say something. It’s a freaking huge loss. Don’t hide behind political correctness. 
2. People telling you, it wasn’t meant to be. Something better is in store for you. This I feel is the worst. This is probably the most true, but it’s also the worst thing to tell a would be mother. It seems like getting pregnant isn’t what it used to be. You know two people have awkward sex at the back of the car and wham! Positive test. It takes months and years of trying, doctors visits, medical treatments, artificial insemination/fertilizations yada-yaad-ya. And even then there are no guarantees. Then the ensuing pregnancy related issues of nausea, taste changes, gi upsets, mood swings, etc etc. Accompanied by doctors visits, injections, tests and more tests. When finally things settle and you start to feel the slightest hint of life inside -those sweet kicks. Then to lose a child. You got to be freaking kidding me. Something better??? Why wasn’t this it? I was so ready to put it all behind me. 
3. Everyone around you seems to be getting pregnant and having healthy babies. How does that happen??? Why didn’t I get my success story? Some of my friends are having their second child. When they want that child- like on demand. And here it took me 16 months to get pregnant that too with help. I want to know what they are doing differently. 
4. Your mom comes to your rescue. I’m sure women like their mums to be around. The whole mother-daughter relationship, understanding, bonds of love, etc. I don’t particularly relate to that. I have a pretty kickass mom. She was on a 15 hour flight to the US within 4 hours of being told, that I was taken to the hospital. She felt rightly so that we would need her. And we do. Just to have another human being, the most well meaning, caring, fabulous cook of an awesome person that she is. However, she insists on daily massages, an agarbatti to the gods, three meals, cheerful conversations and ice cream after every meal. I feel like I need to indulge in her before she loses her shit. She is barely holding it together being brave and strong for her daughter. But I see the pain she feels for her little girl in her eyes. 
5. Having the best husband/ partner in life. If the man you lost a baby with was a bit of a scumbag, then you could throw a tantrum, stay in a bad mood, eat what you wanted to and shut him out of your life. Just to make sense of what life threw at you. But when you see relief intermixed with fear in the eyes of your man as you get wheeled out of the OR, feeling empty and defeated rather than pain and disappointment, you can’t push your rock away. You want to hold them and grieve your loss together. Sometimes you just don’t know how. We make promises of staying strong together. We tell each other we love each other. We promise we won’t give up. We hope to learn and grow from this experience. We will. Yet I know we both are struggling with the pain we each feel our ourselves and for each other. 

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