Tag Archives: Personal

The Sham Graduation

Do you know any graduate students in the United States of America? Perhaps the right question should be do you know any graduate student in USA enrolled in a premier institution who is pursuing a master’s degree, a PhD degree and who is going back into residency because despite the shouting from the rooftops about her love for research is essentially a doctor at heart.

If not, you have found yourself in the right place. So let me tell you about my Master’s graduation ceremony. It was my first and it was splendid. Like the first times generally are. Husband by my side, friends to cheer me on I had a moment where I wished my parents would be there to savor the moment. But that was it. It was only that moment. My name was called, I walked up to the stairs, I was hooded, congratulated, hugged called a super star, I collected my degree… er…. well that’s where the sham comes in.. more on that later.. took a professional photograph, walked of the stage, met a few of my faculty, got called the best of the lot, had me beaming, my husband beaming, lots of hugs and photographs later, I was home.

Back to my reality, I have a master’s thesis pending, a Phd proposal pending, a Phd qualifier in less than 6 weeks, a trip to Europe for 10 days (very excited but at such a bad time), and then the start to residency on July 1st. So what exactly did my degree say- It said it was an I-Owe-You! It was for all of us as our degrees will be mailed out at a later date. Mine is contingent to my thesis submission. I am no where close to being done. It will get done, I am confident. Just not yet.

In my mind, I am gunning for the PhD. That day I will ensure my mother will be there for my big day. I will let some of my closest friends know too. Perhaps that day I could truly walk tall and proud and finally feel accomplished.

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Filed under A first, Attitude, Celebration, Determination, Friends, Goal, Life, Living my life, Milestones, Motivation, People, Personal, Resolutions, Update, Wishes

Happy Mother’s day!

I could have been getting hugs and kisses and love and perhaps a handmade card and a nice little jewelry box from my husband. Today I could be celebrating mother’s day with two of my children. An older boy who would have just turned 2 and a younger daughter who would be barely 5 months. There could have been picture taken that we would have held dear for all of our lives. I would perhaps be very tired from nursing my new born and have my mom cook me my favorite meal.  We would have celebrated this day together.

But that wasn’t meant to be. I have a certain ache in my heart thinking of the could be, would be and perhaps. Life has other plans I tell myself today. The mind wanders to orphaned children in this world. How their heart aches to get love and mine to give. I think of all the unwanted/unplanned pregnancies. Mothers who neglected and abused their children make me angry. I am not alone, I remind myself. There are many who want to have children and cannot or who got pregnant but lost their babies. I don’t particularly care for women who are undecided. Right now that is making me angry too.

I don’t want to be an unreasonable or angry person. So I call my mom. She always puts life into perspective and reminds me that I am more than my loss and suffering. I am not sure if I should wish her today. She doesn’t subscribe to these days. She calls them  Hallmark days (Hallmark makes money off these days). I wish her anyway. She thanks me and immediately asks me about my graduation ceremony last week. I sense her pride as I tell her about my walk and the high praise my professors bestowed upon me. She asks me about my thesis and my future plans. She wants to buy me a graduation present. She is adamant. She says “her baby” deserves it.

For a moment I forget my pain and I think of what to ask. In that moment I realize how truly blessed I am. I have a mother who loves me and supports me and thinks the world of me. I have the best role model in my mother not only as a human being but professionally. I have experienced unconditional love and undying support. I have seen her be the pillar of strength and hold my family together. I have an anchor in her, not many can boast of. I don’t think anything can surpass such a unique gift all wrapped into one.

I tell her I have her and that is all I’ll ever need. Thank you and Happy Mother’s day mom!

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Filed under Culture, Death, Disappointments, Emotions, Experiences, Life, Loss, Love, musings, Pain, Personal, Relationships, Sad

Reflection 003

Papa, “I don’t think people like me”, I said one day. I was just stating an observation. “Why would you say that”, he asked. People tease me in school. They make fun of my hair and my round face. They call me names. He smiled, and he asked me, ” Are you sure they don’t like you?” He said no more.

No I wasn’t sure that they didn’t like me. So I told myself if they were talking to me, teasing me-yeah semantics they must actually like me. I learned to laugh off the unwanted attention.

For the longest time, I thought my father had ruined my perception of people’s reaction to me. I read people wrong. Perhaps I do. But what he did right was instill a level of confidence in my self-worth and my own being.  Nothing anyone says, can instill any doubts in me about myself.

Thank you, papa.

Now only if people who retorted to this New York times article could have been more proud of their own achievements, than belittle it by being “offended” by a cartoonist.

 

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Filed under Abstract, Attitude, Communication, Confusion, Conversations, Doubts, Emotions, Experiences, Hope, Humor, Inspiration, Life, musings, Philosophy

Monday blues

I feel like I am a life time behind on things. Things I wanted to do, I need to achieve. My personal goals, wishes and hopes. I seem to have no motivation. I am worried. I have asked myself at least 3 times today, do I need to call the counselor. I have personally benefited from a session with the counselor, but it wasn’t in ways it was intended to be. I realized then that no one can tell me how to feel. What I feel I feel and I have no control over it. The person I pay a hefty fee to just listen to me, has even less control over my feelings. I realized that if I spoke to myself more than I already do, then maybe I wont be in all the muck I usually find myself in. I need to rationalize my thoughts. Hence thinking about the need to call a counselor is worrisome at best. When exactly and where did I lose my shit?

I am amazed at how perfect everyone’s life looks from the outside. I have had friends tell me they envy my life, marriage, friendships, accomplishments.. the list goes on. I sometimes fall into that trap myself. I find myself envying others. After all people always project the best of themselves. Even though we are all flawed, our relationships are a constant work in progress and we sleep every night along with our insecurities and unfulfilled aspirations. We remain alone in our struggles and fears. I am tired of putting my best self forward all the time. Can I stop being an adult sometimes?

Another week starts. 5 weeks to go until the new year and we can all start pretending the new year will some how be different from the last. Happy Monday y’all.

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Filed under A first, Abstract, Always one step behind, Emotions, Environment, Expectations, Experiences, Life, Personal, Society, Thoughts

Happy Thanksgiving…

You know the biggest joke about thanksgiving?  “Only people in American will have bloody wars over materialistic things 24 hours after they have said thanks for everything they already have.”

Despite all the commercialization, blood bath and expensive travel that happens this week, Thanksgiving continues to be my favorite American holiday.

You get blessings, kindness and love from the most unexpected places. My father used to tell me that always do good, with no expectations in return. Even if you don’t receive from the same person, God will look out for you and you will receive when the time is right. Just do your thing. I am thankful for that advice now more than ever. Having had a few rough years myself, I have reaffirmed my belief that everyone has their own struggles. Just because we know nothing about them, and people always put up a brave front, doesn’t mean they don’t have struggles of their own. Be nice, it doesn’t take away anything from anyone. I am very grateful for the sound advise.

I am very thankful for my husband. Not only has he loved me despite all odds, he has embraced my family, my friends, along with our craziness. I haven’t changed as a person “just because I got married.” I have changed a great deal because I have grown up as a person, professionally and personally. I continue to be a work in progress, but every time I look into my husband’s eyes- I see his idea of perfection. I am very grateful for his love.

There are people I haven’t met in person, or met very briefly, and yet I am very thankful they are in my life. Some have sent me countless messages of encouragement, love and support while others have given it to me straight. Even though life has tried it’s best to pull me down, it has also showed me just how you bounce back, thanks to these very people. I am very grateful to know, that people who have full lives of their own will take time out for you. Whether it is making you feel special on your birthday, or remind you that there is no place for stress-induced-ruining-of-health. I am very grateful to see them make a place for me, even in their very full hearts.

I am thankful to this blogging space. No matter how much you have been ignored, you are right where I need you to be. I am really glad I have this space to vent /rant /complain /reminisce /pontificate /laugh /ridicule and just be myself. Eleven years and going strong!

Happy Thanksgiving y’all.

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Filed under A first, Attitude, Blogging, Bonding, Conversations, Culture, Disappointments, Emotions, Expectations, Food, Friendship, Healing, Health, Inspiration, Life, Living my life, Marriage, Men, Milestones, New York, Pain, partner, People, Personal, Priorities, Relationships, Society, Thoughts

Monday Madness

Yes I have started using circulating hashtags as my blog post titles. I have absolutely no creative juices flowing. Just life happening to me and happening very fast.

We are moving from our one bedroom apartment to a two bedroom apartment. We had planned this move in time for the baby. We knew our mothers would come visit us once the baby was born and we thought a bigger place would be a good idea. Our baby is long gone but we decided to move anyway. So if any of you need a place to stay in New York city, we have an extra bedroom. Mixed feelings at this time are an understatement. I am doing my best to be excited about the change.

I have committed to writing my master’s thesis in the next 6 weeks. With the move, doctor’s follow-ups, current courses, and new job search, this is an added stress I didn’t need. But I have it and I don’t plan to back down.

My weight loss/health issues are taking a back seat. This bums me out the most but hope to get back on track. If I have learned anything in life, our health/lifestyle is the only thing we have control over. If you are anything like me, then you like that control and you really shouldn’t let go of it.

I have so much buzzing in my head these days. The US election for one, about which I want to write my thoughts on. So much is being said and written about it already, that I don’t want to add to the noise. Then again my thoughts matter so I hope I will. I want to go another vacation before the year ends, get a new job, get the master’s thesis written and get back to baby making plans. More on that another time.

How are all of you doing this Monday evening?

 

 

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Filed under Challenges, Decisions, Dreams, Emotions, Environment, Expectations, focus, Goal, Healing, Health, Life, Living my life, Milestones, Motivation, Pain, Personal, Plans, Priorities, Resolutions, Society, Thoughts, Travel, Update

Thought-Pourri

It’s very lonely. Most battles have to be fought alone. There is help or advice available, but the actions have to be one’s own.

The one thing we have power over is the one power we give away most readily. Next time you eat a french fry I want you to think about it.

I always voiced my concerns about smokers. I am finding that obesity is equally bad. I might have to join a new fight, starting with myself.

A goal without a plan is just a wish. Nothing could be truer in my case. There is so much I want to achieve but I don’t seem to have the appropriate plans. That will change starting  now, especially since I caught myself looking at sprint triathlon dates for next year.

I love my family. I detest my family. Enough said.

Happy Thursday y’all!

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Filed under Blogging, Decisions, Determination, Disappointments, Emotions, Environment, Life, Update