What do you tell yourself everyday, every night, every minute. What do you dream of when you sleep at night and when you are wide awake. What is it that burns a fire inside of you? What makes you wake up every morning and sleep well at night. Have you every asked yourself, what do you really want for yourself?
On this crisp spring morning, what are you truly wanting!
Filed under A first, Abstract, Attitude, Challenges, Communication, Confusion, Conversations, Decisions, Determination, Dreams, Emotions, Environment, Facts, Faith, Goal, Hope, Life, Living my life, Milestones, Motivation, musings, People, Personal, Priorities, Questions., Resolutions, Society, Success, Thoughts, Wishes
My master’s thesis will be done tomorrow. It is the last date of submission, so even though I don’t feel done, I have to be. In a way I am happy about that, as I am so ready to be done with it! One of the pages I have been looking forward to writing in my 50+ page thesis is the acknowledgements page. While this exact version may not make it to the very specified page, I wanted to share my acknowledgements here.
I want to take this opportunity to thank some key players who have been instrumental in me getting my master’s thesis!
- The asshole co-worker: When I joined my new job last year, one of my co-workers would keep repeating that I was a doctor, a master’s student and a Phd student, I have a grant to my name and I still managed to get great grades in the the Public Health classes that I was enrolled in. When he said it the first time, I realized I was doing a lot, and that perhaps a work life balance would be a good thing. When he repeated himself about 30 million times, I knew it was coming from spite. He oozes competition and self-entitlement. He helped me seal my determination to show his entitled self, what it means to be a hard working brown immigrant woman and how much we can do when we set our minds to something. So this thesis is for you buddy!
- The Program leadership who warned me against “doing too much” Your tone was more of a warning than that of concern. You put me on alert and hence I am glad I decided to prove you wrong. I am submitting my thesis and I know for a fact that I will be granted my degree.
- My husband: My rock, my anchor, the shoulder I have cried on many times, my support. I truly couldn’t have done this without you.
- My mom: A doctorate herself kept it very real for me. She was probably the only person who told me like it was. On the days I wanted to give up, she reminded me why I started in the first place.
- My friends: Some that I see on a daily basis, some I text on a daily basis, some that I don’t see or talk to on a daily basis, but all of them have empowered me, reminded me that I can kick ass when I am not feeling sorry for myself and that I got this even when I didn’t think I did. You don’t even know you kept me going because you were just your awesome selves and I cannot thank you enough for being yourselves and for being in my life!
Few more hours people and I will be done! Boo ya!
Filed under A first, Always one step behind, Celebration, Determination, Dreams, Emotions, Environment, Expectations, Experiences, Faith, Goal, Inspiration, Life, Love, Motivation, People, Personal, Rants, Relationships, Society, Thoughts, Truth, Update
..to 2017. I am not going anywhere, however dismal and limited my blogging has become, just in case you thought I was going to go.
Along with a good bye, comes reflection of the past year. I have been taking small steps to reduce my internal struggles and external battles in turn. One thing that has often come to my attention is that the more I am grateful for what I have the more I will have in turn. I don’t know how that works but here are a few things that I am grateful for from 2017.
- Travel: I got to go on vacation with my mother, I got to meet a dear friend in UK, and spend a lot of quality time with my husband.
- Health-mates: I finally opened up to people and joined Facebook walking challenges, Fitbit challenges. Finding solidarity from my health-mates has helped me stay on track.
- More husband time: My husband decided to quit his day job and follow his heart’s desire. I have seen him more, hugged him more, and talked to him. I have loved every minute I have got with him this past year.
- Becoming an advocate for myself. I have often struggled with “seeing both sides” I still do, however I have learned that there is something to be said about having an opinion. We are all entitled to one and it is our right to defend it. I have encouraged myself to be more vocal. That in turn has made me think of what really matters to me and it has been good to know myself better
- Podcasts: Have discovered the world of podcasts this past year and it has changed my life. So much out there.. it has been eye opening.
- Opening myself to the idea of adoption.. making the decision that adding a member to my family is more important to me than feeling defeated that “I” could not make a baby.
- Letting go: That was my only resolution last year.. and I have to say I have done a very good job of it. I let go of negative energy, people, things and everything that sucked the energy out of me. Instead I focused on myself, my work and the people I feel closest to, those that bring positivity in my life.
What are you thankful for?
Filed under Attitude, Blogging, Celebration, focus, Goal, Inspiration, Life, Living my life, Opinion, People, Personal, Philosophy, Plans, Priorities, Resolutions, Society, Thoughts, Wishes
Thank you to all of you who have wept with me and for me. Those of you who emailed, messaged, and sent lovely notes full of love and prayer and warmth and concern. Even those of you that stayed silent, know that I understand. Some things are just hard to make any conversation about. I have been in that spot. I just didn’t know what to say, so I said a silent prayer, hoping things would get better for the person struggling.
The good thing with struggle is that I find them very character building. I had to truly work on myself and not go down the rabbit hole of asking myself or god, why me? I taught myself to say, so that happened, as does life to everyone, where to next?
I have taken my time. I have changed homes, I have traveled to 11 countries in the interim, I have worked on my relationship with my mother, I have embraced yoga, healthy eating and regular walks. I haven’t yet reached the stage of meditation or veganism, but I feel I am pretty close to being awesome ( my own measure). I definitely feel ready to give the possibility of a family with a child in it a good fight.
Join me, as I tell you more about this journey, struggle and what hormones can do to a relatively normal person!
Filed under A first, Camaraderie, Challenges, Communication, Conversations, Decisions, Determination, Dreams, Expectations, Experiences, Fear, focus, Goal, Healing, Health, Life, Living my life, Marriage, musings, People, Personal, Plans, Pregnancy, Resolutions, Success, Thoughts, Wishes
It is bloody hard!
Fall has been one of my favorite seasons for the longest time. As the winds get a bit cooler, the leaves change color, and pumpkins spring up everywhere I have always felt the promise of friends, fun, celebrations, food, wine and cake. So many birthdays in fall, would make me so happy.
This year has been different.
As the winds get a bit cooler, the leaves change color, and pumpkins spring up every where I am reminded of the loss I have experienced in my favorite time of the year. It is bloody hard to get excited about life.
Perhaps life wanted to sober me up. Even though I have the ability to get fully excited about fall, I am reminded that many people around me are dealing with terrible life experiences. As you know life happens to everyone.
So while I stand in solidarity with everyone who is also experiencing my struggle, I have decided I stand up tall and enjoy Fall!
Filed under Abstract, Attitude, Bonding, Camaraderie, Celebration, Challenges, Communication, Condolences, Decisions, Determination, Emotions, Experiences, Goal, Hope, Life, Loss, Motivation, Pain, Personal, Priorities, Relationships, Thoughts, Wishes
Many a times when my soul is tortured I turn to Ted Talks. A few inspiring episodes later I am ready to take on the world again. Life circumstances have changed in our household. They aren’t life altering or soul shattering changes, just very small changes. I am learning that even the smallest changes which don’t necessarily change the big picture, also need a learning curve and an adjustment.
That learning curve and adjustment has been taking its toll on me. While I am working on fine tuning my emotional intelligence on current issues in my life I find myself struggling more and more with my stance in life. I am not blind with passion on any one thing. Perhaps my love for the people in my life follows some form of blindness, but nothing else. I have my beliefs I stand by, while I can completely understand yours. I may not accept them, but I know to respect them.
I blame my bringing up for it. My parents raised me to be accepting and non-judgmental. In today’s very polarized world I struggle because of my ability to stay neutral. I feel forced to take side, but I don’t want to lose my essence. I grew up to learn to respect, be tolerant and be accepting of what is different from me.
So while my soul was still tortured, I was looking for something on YouTube from Ted talks to soothe me. I came across this talk from Ash Beckham. I cried at the end of the talk. I will try and explain why. While I am not gay, or have secrets in my closet, I still struggle like all of us do. For once I felt my duality in thought and opinion was okay. It doesn’t have to be Ash or Jesus. I can be me and I don’t need to apologize for it.
Filed under Attitude, Challenges, Communication, Conversations, Culture, Expectations, Experiences, Goal, Life, Opinion, People, Personal, Philosophy, Relationships, Resolutions, Society, Thoughts
Do you know any graduate students in the United States of America? Perhaps the right question should be do you know any graduate student in USA enrolled in a premier institution who is pursuing a master’s degree, a PhD degree and who is going back into residency because despite the shouting from the rooftops about her love for research is essentially a doctor at heart.
If not, you have found yourself in the right place. So let me tell you about my Master’s graduation ceremony. It was my first and it was splendid. Like the first times generally are. Husband by my side, friends to cheer me on I had a moment where I wished my parents would be there to savor the moment. But that was it. It was only that moment. My name was called, I walked up to the stairs, I was hooded, congratulated, hugged called a super star, I collected my degree… er…. well that’s where the sham comes in.. more on that later.. took a professional photograph, walked of the stage, met a few of my faculty, got called the best of the lot, had me beaming, my husband beaming, lots of hugs and photographs later, I was home.
Back to my reality, I have a master’s thesis pending, a Phd proposal pending, a Phd qualifier in less than 6 weeks, a trip to Europe for 10 days (very excited but at such a bad time), and then the start to residency on July 1st. So what exactly did my degree say- It said it was an I-Owe-You! It was for all of us as our degrees will be mailed out at a later date. Mine is contingent to my thesis submission. I am no where close to being done. It will get done, I am confident. Just not yet.
In my mind, I am gunning for the PhD. That day I will ensure my mother will be there for my big day. I will let some of my closest friends know too. Perhaps that day I could truly walk tall and proud and finally feel accomplished.
Filed under A first, Attitude, Celebration, Determination, Friends, Goal, Life, Living my life, Milestones, Motivation, People, Personal, Resolutions, Update, Wishes