There is no other way to say this but no one has it good. In the day and age of social media over load, it may seem that all people do is be happy and make merry. What we don’t share is our daily lives, with its struggles and uncertainties. What doesn’t come through those filters are our insecurities and our fears.
A month ago, my Facebook feed was flooded with R.I.P messages for a young man I met around 9 years ago. He was almost a decade younger than me in college and very shy. I met him and his sister during their spring break. Two typical brown kids in the United States. It was easy for them to see that I understood their very brown parents better than they themselves did and we bonded right away. That level of understanding-misunderstanding made us laugh, talk into the night, and share a closeness I would never encounter again. I never even met the two kids again apart from the occasional interactions via Facebook. And so when I learned of his death I reached out to the sister and parents. The devastation caused by the loss of this young brilliant warm affection human being has touched me as well. One can only imagine what people close to him feel. There is an outpouring of messages on Facebook for this young man even today, a month after his passing.
Last Saturday I was woken up by a frenzy of text messages from my co-worker. His 72 year old ex-military healthy father was diagnosed with stage 4 pancreatic cancer on his first visit to the ER in 30 years. How does one even come to grapple with news like that. There is no cure, there is no hope. What do you tell your family when they look to your for some rationalizing of the impossible. For advise. I can only imagine what my co-worker is going through. He is the youngest of 7 siblings. Being the only physician in the family he is going to have to suck away the last rays of hope this family has at helping their father.
I can go on and on. One may feel that god gives different share of happiness to everyone, but let me assure you, there is equal amount of crap in every ones life that they need to deal with. We didn’t get pregnant with the last IVF cycle. Rather than feeling sorry for ourselves, we are compelled to counting our blessings when we see all the misery around us. I am not even going to get into the misery that is our government, the wars, the famine, the treatable infectious diseases that plague our society. We are even losing our basic sense of decency and respect. I am shattered today for more than one reason. My hope for me, my family and the rest of the world is that despite all the craziness in the world, we can all find some peace!
Filed under Abstract, Always one step behind, Attitude, Bonding, Camaraderie, Challenges, Communication, Condolences, Conversations, Death, Disappointments, Emotions, Experiences, Friendship, Hope, Life, Living my life, Pain, People, Personal, Pregnancy, Relationships, Society, Thoughts, Wishes
When the boy said he wanted to marry me, I told him I had my career on my mind. He then spoke to my father and asked his permission to marry me, with a vow to fulfill all my dreams.,be it career, travel, family, food, all with love, compassion, care and respect.
And he has kept his promise beyond my wildest expectations. He has done so every single day. Despite our fights, silences, disagreements, frustrations, setbacks, intermingled with long sighs, doubts and disappointments, the boy has been rock solid. He has been my friend, husband, confidant, and the best travel buddy I could have asked for.
He is the person I try all my new recipes on, the confidant who listens to my daily woes. He is the friend I want to be held by when I’m having a bad day, the voice I want to hear when I need to know that I will survive. He is that man whose smile brightens up my day, whose gentle strokes on my back soothe my very worst days. He is the husband who showed me how to love my family more, be more patient, be more giving. He is the guy who makes me a better person.
The day I married you, was the best and most fun day in my life. That day was magical but I had no idea that I was embarking on the best journey of my life. For all the laughs, tears, hugs, phone conversations, kisses, long walks on the beach, comfortable silences, star gazing nights, new year’s eve filled with fireworks and more, I want to be your bride all over again.
*No it’s not our anniversary or his birthday. 🙂
Filed under Emotions, Expectations, Experiences, Friendship, Life, Love, Marriage, Men, musings, partner, People, Personal, Relationships, Thoughts, Travel, Truth, Wishes
I was in 8th grade when I first realized I could have a best friend. At that time I didn’t know that I had also found my friend for life. That is not the point of this post. This new person in my life gave me a gift then, that comes in very handy when I feel at my lowest, or when I am most scared or deal with self doubt. Self doubt is a funny thing. No one but you go down the rabbit hole with self doubt. And no one but you can scoop you out of it.
This is not a good week. I won’t get into the details but someone in my position got admitted to the hospital. Anxiety was her diagnosis and it has thrown people around me into a loop. Oh! Damn you guys are stressed! Yes Sherlock Holmes – it is taking every fiber in my body to keep sane. So thank you for realizing what a huge effort I am making.
Do I really need the validation from another person I often ask myself. How many times do I give myself a pat on the back. How often do I validate myself? Do you? So today seems like a good day to make use of the great gift my friend for life from all those years ago gave me. On a very dreary days, she said why don’t you write 50 things you like about yourself. It was tough then. I know I can’t get to 50 but today I would like to list 5. Just to brighten up my day, remind myself that I have worked very hard and that I should be kinder and more generous to me.
- I am a very generous person. Not only with money, but more importantly with time. I will drop anything that I was doing to be there for people when they have needed me. They didn’t even have to be my closest friends. I believe people in your life are your biggest assets.
- I am kind. I consciously work towards lending a sympathetic ear, sharing my life experiences if it could help someone. I try and not judge people, instead I try and understand where they are coming from and then try to help them from within their own constraints
- I don’t give up. Doesn’t matter what is thrown at me, if I put my mind to something, I don’t give up. That has paid off. I walk with my chin high, my heart full of gratitude and sleep well knowing I made the people who care about me the most proud.
- I am hard working. Well you got to be if you are the kind of person who doesn’t give up right? I always used to think I am the laziest person around. I still think I am. I am always looking to find efficiency in everything I do, so I don’t have to work as hard. But nothing replaces hard work. Not even efficiency. I can proudly say I have reached where I have, only because of my hard work.
- I have people in my life that I love, unconditionally. It is not to say that they are perfect or the best thing that anyone could ask for. They are human just like I am. Imperfect and annoying but real. We have had fights, misunderstandings and long periods of silences, said best friend included. But the days when I struggle with self doubt, anxiety takes over my mind and I cannot pull myself out of my self dug out rabbit hole, I think of all the people who never gave up on me, who call me their friend, who don’t stop loving me even on the days I struggle to love myself. To have these people in my life to love and find purpose in my life, I would say is what I love the most about my life.
Filed under A first, Doubts, Emotions, Experiences, Friendship, Life, Living my life, People, Personal, Relationships, Society, Thoughts
She is a mother of 7 and younger. She is much older and yearns to have.
She is religious and conservative. She is spiritual and a liberal.
She believes she is superior. She believes in no such thing.
She hopes. She awaits.
She has settled. She continues the search.
She is wise. She is learned
She is conflicted. She is the conflict.
They make the most unlikely of friendships.
Filed under Abstract, Bonding, Camaraderie, Conversations, Emotions, Experiences, Friends, Friendship, Hope, Life, Living my life, People, Relationships, Society, Thoughts
Quieter days, shut doors at night. The lost love, doesn’t feel as bad.
Missing are the conversations, hugs and kisses. Those days are long gone.
The sun doesn’t shine as bright, nor does the rain come down hard.
Has autumn made its way already? Is Summer really gone?
Filed under Abstract, Disappointments, Doubts, Emotions, Experiences, Friendship, Life, Loss, Love, Love hurts, Marriage, Pain, partner, People, Personal, Questions., Relationships, Short, Society, Thoughts
I called it friendship. You called it a favor. We both knew it was much more. Only you knew it was wrong. I took my heartbreak and left. It wasn’t forever as you have come back into my life. Only to break my heart again.
Filed under Conversations, Disappointments, Emotions, Friendship, Hope, Life, Love hurts, Men, Pain, People, Personal, Relationships, Sad, Short, Society, Thoughts
- I am an Indian (Brown) immigrant in the United States. I have been here for 3 election cycles but I do not have the right to vote yet.
- I have friends both democrat and republican and we have been friends for over 12 years now.
- I have the benefit of not choosing sides, and I have the ability to look at things from an “outsider’s” point of view.
- I have hope for my adopted country.
Well after that disclaimer, I feel we need to talk to one another now more than ever. There was a CNN news piece that people weren’t going to be with their families over thanksgiving this year. That was just disheartening. Doesn’t matter what our political allegiance may be, I don’t think families should be affected by it.
Having said that, I feel we are very deeply affected. When a friend of mine who is a nurse at a hospital I used to intern at, was fervently supportive of Donald Trump, it made me question a few things.
- Did she not really like me as I did take up a position that could have gone to an American white doctor.
- Does she think I should go back to India?
- Does she not care about what the leader of this nation believes in, whether or not he respects women, people of color, considers climate change to be real and really truly cares about the working class.
- Her support of Donald Trump made me wonder what she truly felt about me.
- It made me question the future of our friendship.
I have time and again played back the years of knowing her. She was the only one I confided in about my deepest fears and darkest thoughts. I knew she would get me. At that time she did. I have been deeply troubled about the foundation of our friendship.
I knew I had to stop letting her posts on Facebook stop affecting me. I know heart of hearts, she is the same person she was when we became friends. She and I have grown up together as people and we have had each other’s back when no one else knew that we were crumbling. No politics can take that away from us.
So I decided I am not going to let petty politics change my love for her, my attitude towards her, and if need be I will stop following her on Facebook. What about the rest of the Facebook posts. People justifying their choice of Trump and being okay with “losing friends” over Facebook. What about those that fear or feel angry at people who did chose Trump claiming that they will delete those different from them.
I see a cry for acceptance, fear, desperation. I see the need to talk more, engage more, think more and act more. I already see people getting more involved with their community. I see people voicing themselves a little stronger/louder. I feel a little can go a long way and even though some of us think we are doomed, I see hope. A little adversity always brings out the best in people. Also, Facebook is not a measure of our relationships, people.
With that out in the open, I wish you all a very happy Thanksgiving weekend and a very happy holiday season.
Filed under Advice, Celebration, Communication, Confusion, Conversations, Decisions, Doubts, Emotions, Environment, Expectations, Experiences, Facts, Faith, Fear, focus, Friends, Friendship, Healing, Hope, Issues, Life, Opinion, People, Priorities, Questions., Rants, Resolutions, Society, Thoughts