There is no other way to say this but no one has it good. In the day and age of social media over load, it may seem that all people do is be happy and make merry. What we don’t share is our daily lives, with its struggles and uncertainties. What doesn’t come through those filters are our insecurities and our fears.
A month ago, my Facebook feed was flooded with R.I.P messages for a young man I met around 9 years ago. He was almost a decade younger than me in college and very shy. I met him and his sister during their spring break. Two typical brown kids in the United States. It was easy for them to see that I understood their very brown parents better than they themselves did and we bonded right away. That level of understanding-misunderstanding made us laugh, talk into the night, and share a closeness I would never encounter again. I never even met the two kids again apart from the occasional interactions via Facebook. And so when I learned of his death I reached out to the sister and parents. The devastation caused by the loss of this young brilliant warm affection human being has touched me as well. One can only imagine what people close to him feel. There is an outpouring of messages on Facebook for this young man even today, a month after his passing.
Last Saturday I was woken up by a frenzy of text messages from my co-worker. His 72 year old ex-military healthy father was diagnosed with stage 4 pancreatic cancer on his first visit to the ER in 30 years. How does one even come to grapple with news like that. There is no cure, there is no hope. What do you tell your family when they look to your for some rationalizing of the impossible. For advise. I can only imagine what my co-worker is going through. He is the youngest of 7 siblings. Being the only physician in the family he is going to have to suck away the last rays of hope this family has at helping their father.
I can go on and on. One may feel that god gives different share of happiness to everyone, but let me assure you, there is equal amount of crap in every ones life that they need to deal with. We didn’t get pregnant with the last IVF cycle. Rather than feeling sorry for ourselves, we are compelled to counting our blessings when we see all the misery around us. I am not even going to get into the misery that is our government, the wars, the famine, the treatable infectious diseases that plague our society. We are even losing our basic sense of decency and respect. I am shattered today for more than one reason. My hope for me, my family and the rest of the world is that despite all the craziness in the world, we can all find some peace!
Filed under Abstract, Always one step behind, Attitude, Bonding, Camaraderie, Challenges, Communication, Condolences, Conversations, Death, Disappointments, Emotions, Experiences, Friendship, Hope, Life, Living my life, Pain, People, Personal, Pregnancy, Relationships, Society, Thoughts, Wishes
I was in 8th grade when I first realized I could have a best friend. At that time I didn’t know that I had also found my friend for life. That is not the point of this post. This new person in my life gave me a gift then, that comes in very handy when I feel at my lowest, or when I am most scared or deal with self doubt. Self doubt is a funny thing. No one but you go down the rabbit hole with self doubt. And no one but you can scoop you out of it.
This is not a good week. I won’t get into the details but someone in my position got admitted to the hospital. Anxiety was her diagnosis and it has thrown people around me into a loop. Oh! Damn you guys are stressed! Yes Sherlock Holmes – it is taking every fiber in my body to keep sane. So thank you for realizing what a huge effort I am making.
Do I really need the validation from another person I often ask myself. How many times do I give myself a pat on the back. How often do I validate myself? Do you? So today seems like a good day to make use of the great gift my friend for life from all those years ago gave me. On a very dreary days, she said why don’t you write 50 things you like about yourself. It was tough then. I know I can’t get to 50 but today I would like to list 5. Just to brighten up my day, remind myself that I have worked very hard and that I should be kinder and more generous to me.
- I am a very generous person. Not only with money, but more importantly with time. I will drop anything that I was doing to be there for people when they have needed me. They didn’t even have to be my closest friends. I believe people in your life are your biggest assets.
- I am kind. I consciously work towards lending a sympathetic ear, sharing my life experiences if it could help someone. I try and not judge people, instead I try and understand where they are coming from and then try to help them from within their own constraints
- I don’t give up. Doesn’t matter what is thrown at me, if I put my mind to something, I don’t give up. That has paid off. I walk with my chin high, my heart full of gratitude and sleep well knowing I made the people who care about me the most proud.
- I am hard working. Well you got to be if you are the kind of person who doesn’t give up right? I always used to think I am the laziest person around. I still think I am. I am always looking to find efficiency in everything I do, so I don’t have to work as hard. But nothing replaces hard work. Not even efficiency. I can proudly say I have reached where I have, only because of my hard work.
- I have people in my life that I love, unconditionally. It is not to say that they are perfect or the best thing that anyone could ask for. They are human just like I am. Imperfect and annoying but real. We have had fights, misunderstandings and long periods of silences, said best friend included. But the days when I struggle with self doubt, anxiety takes over my mind and I cannot pull myself out of my self dug out rabbit hole, I think of all the people who never gave up on me, who call me their friend, who don’t stop loving me even on the days I struggle to love myself. To have these people in my life to love and find purpose in my life, I would say is what I love the most about my life.
Filed under A first, Doubts, Emotions, Experiences, Friendship, Life, Living my life, People, Personal, Relationships, Society, Thoughts
She is a mother of 7 and younger. She is much older and yearns to have.
She is religious and conservative. She is spiritual and a liberal.
She believes she is superior. She believes in no such thing.
She hopes. She awaits.
She has settled. She continues the search.
She is wise. She is learned
She is conflicted. She is the conflict.
They make the most unlikely of friendships.
Filed under Abstract, Bonding, Camaraderie, Conversations, Emotions, Experiences, Friends, Friendship, Hope, Life, Living my life, People, Relationships, Society, Thoughts
Do you know any graduate students in the United States of America? Perhaps the right question should be do you know any graduate student in USA enrolled in a premier institution who is pursuing a master’s degree, a PhD degree and who is going back into residency because despite the shouting from the rooftops about her love for research is essentially a doctor at heart.
If not, you have found yourself in the right place. So let me tell you about my Master’s graduation ceremony. It was my first and it was splendid. Like the first times generally are. Husband by my side, friends to cheer me on I had a moment where I wished my parents would be there to savor the moment. But that was it. It was only that moment. My name was called, I walked up to the stairs, I was hooded, congratulated, hugged called a super star, I collected my degree… er…. well that’s where the sham comes in.. more on that later.. took a professional photograph, walked of the stage, met a few of my faculty, got called the best of the lot, had me beaming, my husband beaming, lots of hugs and photographs later, I was home.
Back to my reality, I have a master’s thesis pending, a Phd proposal pending, a Phd qualifier in less than 6 weeks, a trip to Europe for 10 days (very excited but at such a bad time), and then the start to residency on July 1st. So what exactly did my degree say- It said it was an I-Owe-You! It was for all of us as our degrees will be mailed out at a later date. Mine is contingent to my thesis submission. I am no where close to being done. It will get done, I am confident. Just not yet.
In my mind, I am gunning for the PhD. That day I will ensure my mother will be there for my big day. I will let some of my closest friends know too. Perhaps that day I could truly walk tall and proud and finally feel accomplished.
Filed under A first, Attitude, Celebration, Determination, Friends, Goal, Life, Living my life, Milestones, Motivation, People, Personal, Resolutions, Update, Wishes
First day of the 8th month of 2016! Below is where I am with my plans. Everything in bold is already done and dusted. Those in italics are a work in progress. Life has changed, plans have changed accordingly.
More important than the list that is only pertinent to my life is that life happens and just keeps happening. Plans are just plans. Something work out and other things stop being a priority. I like plans. They keep me on point. They remind me of all the things I have always wanted to do or considered important enough for me at some point to be done.
But that’s not how life turns out. I think it has been the most humbling experience of my life. Nothing has really worked out the way I have planned it. There came a time when I even stopped planning and there in lays the problem. I’ve learned that no plan is a sure path to failure. So that changed thanks to this list.
- Drink more water, 10K steps daily at a minimum
- Read the newspaper daily, not monthly
- Complete Master’s thesis – converted to PhD in Clinical Service
- Complete all pending research papers
- Write at least one paper every 3 months- working on several projects
- Network on a daily basis
- Get a better job- daily work in progress
- Log in a daily thought- daily work in progress
- Learn to bake bread, try new recipes, try new cuisines
- Meal prep weekly, weigh my food, log food, water and exercise diligently
- Weight training, swimming, yoga to be incorporated in weekly routines
- Read articles, books that don’t include school work, research articles, and news.
- Blog/Instagram/ Write reviews regularly. Make a schedule and stick with it.
- Sort out pending paper work from last year
- Continue and increase recycling- remember almost everything can be recycled
- Continue and do better with minimalistic living
- Let go of people, places, ideas and thoughts that don’t want to stay
- Remember that money saved is money earned
- Invest in property
- Travel to a destination outside of the US- Europe 🙂
- Learn Spanish-this is the year
*Joey from F.R.I.E.N.D.S way of saying hello..:)
Filed under Blogging, Camaraderie, Challenges, Communication, Culture, Decisions, Determination, Disappointments, Environment, Expectations, Faith, Fears, focus, Friends, Goal, Health, Hope, Issues, Living my life, Love, Milestones, Motivation, Personal, Relationships, Society, Success, Thoughts, Wishes
Two more weeks and we will have crossed another milestone in our lives. I am terrified but also very excited. Look out for an announcement here.
Nothing clears up the mind and soul like genuine conversations with good friends. I am happy, inspired and totally motivated by the wonderful girl friends in my life.
The best advise I have heard in the past few weeks has been to be myself. Sometimes, the person we are, our personality is all the armour we need.
A few years ago, I mentioned on this blog, that I had no regrets. I would live my life just the way I had. Now a few years later I have plenty. I really wished I had done a few things differently.
Nominating the first female presidential nominee by a leading party has made history in the United States. It’s taken them 240 years after independence to finally see a woman worthy of the office. Is there anyone else who sees the problem with it?
Happy Friday! Next week, I plan to review where I am with my resolutions for this year
Filed under Blogging, Bonding, Camaraderie, Communication, Conversations, Friends, Goal, Life, Living my life, Milestones, Motivation, People, Personal, Relationships, Thoughts, Wishes
Wow 22 days since my last post. So much has happened, needless to say. Time flies when you are having fun they say, or when life takes such a turn that you want to bury your head in a deep hole and never come out of it. I am not liking being an adult. This phase has been tough to put it mildly. I almost had a nervous breakdown last week. A very new feeling for me. I used to think nervous breakdowns were an urban myth. Then I survived it. Or perhaps I have become adept at faking it, till I make it. To overcome the feeling of impending doom, I decided to shut down completely; help reset the brain. No phone calls, messages, social media, well meaning friends, not so well meaning family, husband, neighbor, you get the idea. Suddenly, like the coming on of a light bulb I felt like there was no point in all the stress I was taking on. So what that I am jobless, with a master’s loan looming on my head, my husband might lose his job this week, we are struggling emotionally and physically due to lack of a baby, need to work on my master’s thesis, mothers are being mothers, cousins have failing kidneys, closest friend is now a recovering alcoholic and our adopted friends are really getting onto our nerves. Really when you lay it out like that, it is just another weekday! No biggie!
Filed under Always one step behind, Bonding, Challenges, Communication, Conversations, Disappointments, Emotions, Expectations, Experiences, Friends, Health, Issues, Life, People, Personal, Pregnancy, Priorities, Rants, Relationships, Sad, Society, Thoughts