What do you tell yourself everyday, every night, every minute. What do you dream of when you sleep at night and when you are wide awake. What is it that burns a fire inside of you? What makes you wake up every morning and sleep well at night. Have you every asked yourself, what do you really want for yourself?
On this crisp spring morning, what are you truly wanting!
Filed under A first, Abstract, Attitude, Challenges, Communication, Confusion, Conversations, Decisions, Determination, Dreams, Emotions, Environment, Facts, Faith, Goal, Hope, Life, Living my life, Milestones, Motivation, musings, People, Personal, Priorities, Questions., Resolutions, Society, Success, Thoughts, Wishes
My master’s thesis will be done tomorrow. It is the last date of submission, so even though I don’t feel done, I have to be. In a way I am happy about that, as I am so ready to be done with it! One of the pages I have been looking forward to writing in my 50+ page thesis is the acknowledgements page. While this exact version may not make it to the very specified page, I wanted to share my acknowledgements here.
I want to take this opportunity to thank some key players who have been instrumental in me getting my master’s thesis!
- The asshole co-worker: When I joined my new job last year, one of my co-workers would keep repeating that I was a doctor, a master’s student and a Phd student, I have a grant to my name and I still managed to get great grades in the the Public Health classes that I was enrolled in. When he said it the first time, I realized I was doing a lot, and that perhaps a work life balance would be a good thing. When he repeated himself about 30 million times, I knew it was coming from spite. He oozes competition and self-entitlement. He helped me seal my determination to show his entitled self, what it means to be a hard working brown immigrant woman and how much we can do when we set our minds to something. So this thesis is for you buddy!
- The Program leadership who warned me against “doing too much” Your tone was more of a warning than that of concern. You put me on alert and hence I am glad I decided to prove you wrong. I am submitting my thesis and I know for a fact that I will be granted my degree.
- My husband: My rock, my anchor, the shoulder I have cried on many times, my support. I truly couldn’t have done this without you.
- My mom: A doctorate herself kept it very real for me. She was probably the only person who told me like it was. On the days I wanted to give up, she reminded me why I started in the first place.
- My friends: Some that I see on a daily basis, some I text on a daily basis, some that I don’t see or talk to on a daily basis, but all of them have empowered me, reminded me that I can kick ass when I am not feeling sorry for myself and that I got this even when I didn’t think I did. You don’t even know you kept me going because you were just your awesome selves and I cannot thank you enough for being yourselves and for being in my life!
Few more hours people and I will be done! Boo ya!
Filed under A first, Always one step behind, Celebration, Determination, Dreams, Emotions, Environment, Expectations, Experiences, Faith, Goal, Inspiration, Life, Love, Motivation, People, Personal, Rants, Relationships, Society, Thoughts, Truth, Update
New York city, a place you get to call home with the sky scrappers and Wall Street, the theater scene along with the food scene. The best universities and hospitals to boast of. It seems like a great place to be. And yet, this is the city where the maternal mortality rates are higher than any other developed country in the world, vaccination rates are low, disparities in income exist out of proportion and at the end of every street corner one finds the evidence of extreme poverty. Which reality should we chose to look at today?
Three continents, 3 medical licences, 2 residencies, one fellowship, three graduate level degrees. What do you say, is that enough? And is it? The heart desires so much more. Some times the heart does not know where to stop. When does enough truly become enough?
One natural pregnancy, 5 failed intrauterine insemination, one intrauterine insemination that led to a pregnancy, two second trimester miscarriages, 4 failed in-vitro fertilization attempts. Do you see the writing on the wall or do you see your eventual goal just one step closer?
Children are dying due to preventable shootings. Is it worth the struggles we have been through to have a baby in this country, if I will constantly live in the fear that their school is no longer the safest place they could be in?
I like my home. I know it is not perfect and there is so much to do. There are problems which I will own. Only when I do that can I make a difference. Where do I stop? Who truly needs to change is it? Is it them or is it me?
Every time my body says enough is enough, my heart whispers, just one more time. Every time my friends and family tell me to give up, my resolves strengthens. It may turn out to be an unfulfilled wish, but at least I know I would have given it my best!
I worry about having children in this country, in this dying world for that matter. But when you see children doing what adults should have done, I see hope. I see hope for a brighter future. I see hope for a future with my children.
How do you chose to look at life? What is your perspective?
Filed under Determination, Disappointments, Emotions, Expectations, Experiences, Faith, Hope, Life, Motivation, Pain, Personal, Philosophy, Pregnancy, Priorities, Relationships, Resolutions, Society, Success, Thoughts, Truth, Update
An unusual text message. Unlikely person to send it. Unlikely time to get it. Something had to be wrong. It was. I lost a part of my childhood instantaneously. I lost my mind, had my heart broken and my soul shattered. The one person I know I can always turn to, didn’t seem like the one I should turn to. Despair, pain, and loss of my footing is an unknown and uncomfortable place to be. Three weeks out now and I am still grappling with this new reality.
An unknown future lies ahead of me. Some of the uncertainty is my own making. Just like grief, some of us deal with stress with the five stages. I have surpassed denial and anger. Current state lies some where between depression and bargaining. Some days I want to give it all up and then other days, I remind myself I wasn’t born to give up. As in Finding Nemo, one just has to keep swimming.
An unlikely friendship could have been nurtured, but as time passes it seems to be very unlikely. There is very little space for disrespect, flakiness, and entitled behavior. Fully aware that it is hard to create bonds of friendship as an adult, I generally keep a high threshold for poor judgement and behavior. Something I have learned in my years of making and keeping good friends, is that if we believe we deserve good quality people in our life, then we don’t need to settle for poor quality relationships. We just have to keep the faith and continue striving for good.
Not all is lost as I start this year on a rather somber and humbling note. I celebrated 9 years with my wonderful husband. We have laughed and cried together through this beautiful life journey. Despite its ups and downs I would go on this exact same journey with this man many many times over. A quote by Ellen DeGeneres perhaps summarizes my relationship a tad bit better, ” To be loved is wonderful, to be understood is profound”
So how has your new year been so far?
Filed under A first, Anniversary, Bonding, Camaraderie, Celebration, Challenges, Communication, Death, Disappointments, Emotions, Experiences, Fears, Life, Loss, Love, Marriage, Milestones, Motivation, Pain, partner, Personal, Priorities, Relationships, Society, Thoughts
Just checking in! How were your first two weeks of this year?
2 more years and we will be in 2020’s. So fascinating! Has that hit anyone yet?
As a “blogger” I fail miserably. Of all the hats I wear on a daily basis, blogger hat suffers the most. I don’t have the words I once had in my arsenal to write. I don’t have the time, I once freely enjoyed. I don’t have the will to make the effort either.
I would hope I can change that this year.
Filed under Blogging, Bonding, Camaraderie, Challenges, Communication, Conversations, Culture, Decisions, Determination, focus, Hope, Life, Living my life, Motivation, Resolutions, Short, Wishes
It is bloody hard!
Fall has been one of my favorite seasons for the longest time. As the winds get a bit cooler, the leaves change color, and pumpkins spring up everywhere I have always felt the promise of friends, fun, celebrations, food, wine and cake. So many birthdays in fall, would make me so happy.
This year has been different.
As the winds get a bit cooler, the leaves change color, and pumpkins spring up every where I am reminded of the loss I have experienced in my favorite time of the year. It is bloody hard to get excited about life.
Perhaps life wanted to sober me up. Even though I have the ability to get fully excited about fall, I am reminded that many people around me are dealing with terrible life experiences. As you know life happens to everyone.
So while I stand in solidarity with everyone who is also experiencing my struggle, I have decided I stand up tall and enjoy Fall!
Filed under Abstract, Attitude, Bonding, Camaraderie, Celebration, Challenges, Communication, Condolences, Decisions, Determination, Emotions, Experiences, Goal, Hope, Life, Loss, Motivation, Pain, Personal, Priorities, Relationships, Thoughts, Wishes
Every action elicits a reaction. With humans it is generally a very emotional response. Happy/sad/excited/angry etc, depends on our understanding of the intention of the action. If we changed our understanding of the belief, we will change our reaction.
If Dr. Mama Bear thinks her not so daunting stature and even less threatening voice is going to send me to the deep dark hell of self doubt, she has no idea who she is dealing with.
Happy Wednesday y’all!
Filed under Attitude, Career, Challenges, Communication, Expectations, Experiences, Life, Living my life, Milestones, Motivation, Opinion, People, Personal, Resolutions, Society