Things to do this week:
One clinical day, one medical-education day, 5 one hour presentations, 3 meetings for graduate school, master’s thesis revisions for submission due, PhD proposal hard deadlines due. Apart from this regular work week, I have guests coming to stay with us from India. I am beyond excited and can barely concentrate on what needs to be done.
So today’s mantra: Clear your mind of can’t. I’ll let you all know if I survive this week!
How does your week look like?
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My master’s thesis will be done tomorrow. It is the last date of submission, so even though I don’t feel done, I have to be. In a way I am happy about that, as I am so ready to be done with it! One of the pages I have been looking forward to writing in my 50+ page thesis is the acknowledgements page. While this exact version may not make it to the very specified page, I wanted to share my acknowledgements here.
I want to take this opportunity to thank some key players who have been instrumental in me getting my master’s thesis!
- The asshole co-worker: When I joined my new job last year, one of my co-workers would keep repeating that I was a doctor, a master’s student and a Phd student, I have a grant to my name and I still managed to get great grades in the the Public Health classes that I was enrolled in. When he said it the first time, I realized I was doing a lot, and that perhaps a work life balance would be a good thing. When he repeated himself about 30 million times, I knew it was coming from spite. He oozes competition and self-entitlement. He helped me seal my determination to show his entitled self, what it means to be a hard working brown immigrant woman and how much we can do when we set our minds to something. So this thesis is for you buddy!
- The Program leadership who warned me against “doing too much” Your tone was more of a warning than that of concern. You put me on alert and hence I am glad I decided to prove you wrong. I am submitting my thesis and I know for a fact that I will be granted my degree.
- My husband: My rock, my anchor, the shoulder I have cried on many times, my support. I truly couldn’t have done this without you.
- My mom: A doctorate herself kept it very real for me. She was probably the only person who told me like it was. On the days I wanted to give up, she reminded me why I started in the first place.
- My friends: Some that I see on a daily basis, some I text on a daily basis, some that I don’t see or talk to on a daily basis, but all of them have empowered me, reminded me that I can kick ass when I am not feeling sorry for myself and that I got this even when I didn’t think I did. You don’t even know you kept me going because you were just your awesome selves and I cannot thank you enough for being yourselves and for being in my life!
Few more hours people and I will be done! Boo ya!
Filed under A first, Always one step behind, Celebration, Determination, Dreams, Emotions, Environment, Expectations, Experiences, Faith, Goal, Inspiration, Life, Love, Motivation, People, Personal, Rants, Relationships, Society, Thoughts, Truth, Update
New York city, a place you get to call home with the sky scrappers and Wall Street, the theater scene along with the food scene. The best universities and hospitals to boast of. It seems like a great place to be. And yet, this is the city where the maternal mortality rates are higher than any other developed country in the world, vaccination rates are low, disparities in income exist out of proportion and at the end of every street corner one finds the evidence of extreme poverty. Which reality should we chose to look at today?
Three continents, 3 medical licences, 2 residencies, one fellowship, three graduate level degrees. What do you say, is that enough? And is it? The heart desires so much more. Some times the heart does not know where to stop. When does enough truly become enough?
One natural pregnancy, 5 failed intrauterine insemination, one intrauterine insemination that led to a pregnancy, two second trimester miscarriages, 4 failed in-vitro fertilization attempts. Do you see the writing on the wall or do you see your eventual goal just one step closer?
Children are dying due to preventable shootings. Is it worth the struggles we have been through to have a baby in this country, if I will constantly live in the fear that their school is no longer the safest place they could be in?
I like my home. I know it is not perfect and there is so much to do. There are problems which I will own. Only when I do that can I make a difference. Where do I stop? Who truly needs to change is it? Is it them or is it me?
Every time my body says enough is enough, my heart whispers, just one more time. Every time my friends and family tell me to give up, my resolves strengthens. It may turn out to be an unfulfilled wish, but at least I know I would have given it my best!
I worry about having children in this country, in this dying world for that matter. But when you see children doing what adults should have done, I see hope. I see hope for a brighter future. I see hope for a future with my children.
How do you chose to look at life? What is your perspective?
Filed under Determination, Disappointments, Emotions, Expectations, Experiences, Faith, Hope, Life, Motivation, Pain, Personal, Philosophy, Pregnancy, Priorities, Relationships, Resolutions, Society, Success, Thoughts, Truth, Update
Do you know any graduate students in the United States of America? Perhaps the right question should be do you know any graduate student in USA enrolled in a premier institution who is pursuing a master’s degree, a PhD degree and who is going back into residency because despite the shouting from the rooftops about her love for research is essentially a doctor at heart.
If not, you have found yourself in the right place. So let me tell you about my Master’s graduation ceremony. It was my first and it was splendid. Like the first times generally are. Husband by my side, friends to cheer me on I had a moment where I wished my parents would be there to savor the moment. But that was it. It was only that moment. My name was called, I walked up to the stairs, I was hooded, congratulated, hugged called a super star, I collected my degree… er…. well that’s where the sham comes in.. more on that later.. took a professional photograph, walked of the stage, met a few of my faculty, got called the best of the lot, had me beaming, my husband beaming, lots of hugs and photographs later, I was home.
Back to my reality, I have a master’s thesis pending, a Phd proposal pending, a Phd qualifier in less than 6 weeks, a trip to Europe for 10 days (very excited but at such a bad time), and then the start to residency on July 1st. So what exactly did my degree say- It said it was an I-Owe-You! It was for all of us as our degrees will be mailed out at a later date. Mine is contingent to my thesis submission. I am no where close to being done. It will get done, I am confident. Just not yet.
In my mind, I am gunning for the PhD. That day I will ensure my mother will be there for my big day. I will let some of my closest friends know too. Perhaps that day I could truly walk tall and proud and finally feel accomplished.
Filed under A first, Attitude, Celebration, Determination, Friends, Goal, Life, Living my life, Milestones, Motivation, People, Personal, Resolutions, Update, Wishes
Yes I have started using circulating hashtags as my blog post titles. I have absolutely no creative juices flowing. Just life happening to me and happening very fast.
We are moving from our one bedroom apartment to a two bedroom apartment. We had planned this move in time for the baby. We knew our mothers would come visit us once the baby was born and we thought a bigger place would be a good idea. Our baby is long gone but we decided to move anyway. So if any of you need a place to stay in New York city, we have an extra bedroom. Mixed feelings at this time are an understatement. I am doing my best to be excited about the change.
I have committed to writing my master’s thesis in the next 6 weeks. With the move, doctor’s follow-ups, current courses, and new job search, this is an added stress I didn’t need. But I have it and I don’t plan to back down.
My weight loss/health issues are taking a back seat. This bums me out the most but hope to get back on track. If I have learned anything in life, our health/lifestyle is the only thing we have control over. If you are anything like me, then you like that control and you really shouldn’t let go of it.
I have so much buzzing in my head these days. The US election for one, about which I want to write my thoughts on. So much is being said and written about it already, that I don’t want to add to the noise. Then again my thoughts matter so I hope I will. I want to go another vacation before the year ends, get a new job, get the master’s thesis written and get back to baby making plans. More on that another time.
How are all of you doing this Monday evening?
Filed under Challenges, Decisions, Dreams, Emotions, Environment, Expectations, focus, Goal, Healing, Health, Life, Living my life, Milestones, Motivation, Pain, Personal, Plans, Priorities, Resolutions, Society, Thoughts, Travel, Update
When I got hospitalized my mother cancelled her surgery which was to be in less than a day and flew to the US. Of course that caused a bit of a panic in the family. Since I have been away from family and friends for almost 20 years now, I didn’t want a flurry of activity on Facebook. Yes I write about myself and my life on a public forum but I consider myself an extremely private person. Funny how that works. There was no way I would indulge in personal information exchange on Facebook, by people I don’t really consider close to me.
Well if you didn’t get the drift, this post is about Facebook. Or the lack thereof. So I deactivated my account. It is a huge step for me
I consider myself a Facebook addict. I got my parents an account.. That is how much I believed in the power of Facebook. I spent 8 months of my life raising awareness on cancer and raise money for the American Cancer Society- On Facebook. I loved the fact that I wouldn’t miss anyone’s birthday and nothing gives me more pleasure than making someone happy on their birthday! And now I know why. It is a big deal to be born. You could be perfectly normal and you can still be lost. So if you made it into this world, you need to be celebrated.
Sometime last year I hit a 1000 friends. The number of social media friends I have is very small. Like 5 perhaps. It has taken me years to get to that level of opening up. So everyone else are people I know in person. For sometime now, I started to realize that people do not even thank me for the yearly birthday wishes. There was absolutely no communication. The notification feeds on Facebook wall, just keeps me bored and forces me to judge people in ways I don’t want to. I find people just becoming haters, intolerant and disgruntled. Not exactly the point of Facebook if you ask me.
Even after I deactivated my account, my husband reported that he could still see my page. So only I wasn’t looking at my account but everyone else could. It’s been more than 3 weeks and I haven’t missed it one bit. My husband (I am responsible for his account as well) tries once in a while to get me back to it. For now I am staying away. I am little concerned about missing 209 wishes on Facebook on my birthday which is less than 6 weeks away. But then really it is the 10/12 people who care about my birthday anyway. Those are the only people that matter to me too.
So here I am wondering am I finally over my Facebook addiction? Has anyone of you got off Facebook? What was your experience?
Filed under Challenges, Decisions, Determination, Friendship, Life, Living my life, Personal, Rants, Society, Thoughts, Update
Five things that don’t help when you have just lost a 6 month fetus!
1. Well wishers tip toeing around you. They want to say something “right”. But they have absolutely no clue what to say. There is no right or wrong. We lost a child. Or the potential of being a real person. We lost our dreams and hopes and aspirations. We lost our own potential. It’s like doing everything you could to get a job, you go through 6 rounds of interviews. In your gut you think you got it this time. Why would you get to the 6th round of it wasn’t meant to be. And yet the job goes to another candidate. Nothing against the other candidate. But why not me? So yeah. There is no “right” thing to say. But say something. It’s a freaking huge loss. Don’t hide behind political correctness.
2. People telling you, it wasn’t meant to be. Something better is in store for you. This I feel is the worst. This is probably the most true, but it’s also the worst thing to tell a would be mother. It seems like getting pregnant isn’t what it used to be. You know two people have awkward sex at the back of the car and wham! Positive test. It takes months and years of trying, doctors visits, medical treatments, artificial insemination/fertilizations yada-yaad-ya. And even then there are no guarantees. Then the ensuing pregnancy related issues of nausea, taste changes, gi upsets, mood swings, etc etc. Accompanied by doctors visits, injections, tests and more tests. When finally things settle and you start to feel the slightest hint of life inside -those sweet kicks. Then to lose a child. You got to be freaking kidding me. Something better??? Why wasn’t this it? I was so ready to put it all behind me.
3. Everyone around you seems to be getting pregnant and having healthy babies. How does that happen??? Why didn’t I get my success story? Some of my friends are having their second child. When they want that child- like on demand. And here it took me 16 months to get pregnant that too with help. I want to know what they are doing differently.
4. Your mom comes to your rescue. I’m sure women like their mums to be around. The whole mother-daughter relationship, understanding, bonds of love, etc. I don’t particularly relate to that. I have a pretty kickass mom. She was on a 15 hour flight to the US within 4 hours of being told, that I was taken to the hospital. She felt rightly so that we would need her. And we do. Just to have another human being, the most well meaning, caring, fabulous cook of an awesome person that she is. However, she insists on daily massages, an agarbatti to the gods, three meals, cheerful conversations and ice cream after every meal. I feel like I need to indulge in her before she loses her shit. She is barely holding it together being brave and strong for her daughter. But I see the pain she feels for her little girl in her eyes.
5. Having the best husband/ partner in life. If the man you lost a baby with was a bit of a scumbag, then you could throw a tantrum, stay in a bad mood, eat what you wanted to and shut him out of your life. Just to make sense of what life threw at you. But when you see relief intermixed with fear in the eyes of your man as you get wheeled out of the OR, feeling empty and defeated rather than pain and disappointment, you can’t push your rock away. You want to hold them and grieve your loss together. Sometimes you just don’t know how. We make promises of staying strong together. We tell each other we love each other. We promise we won’t give up. We hope to learn and grow from this experience. We will. Yet I know we both are struggling with the pain we each feel our ourselves and for each other.
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