Merry Christmas

How are you all holding up? Do the lights, the merry-ness, wishes, songs and commercials bother you? Does something wring tight into your belly as you really don’t feel merry.

We are going into the third year of the pandemic. Things were supposed to improve and life was meant to be lived. Hugs were meant to happen with food drinks and laughter. Instead we had cancelled flights, cancelled plans and cancelled Christmas. The new virus is taking over. While every attempt is being made to project normalcy- there is an underlying reality. Hospitals are going back to virtual treatments. From a healthcare professional stand point, that policy can only mean things are really bad. The hospital is willing to take monetary pay cut to avoid losing the personnel or what is left of it.

With that reality at the back of our minds, we decorate our tree and set gifts underneath it. We bake cakes and make special brunches and dinners. We try to make it as jolly as we can, missing those that should have occupied the empty seats. They decided that they wont be coming over as the risks were too high. While it is the right thing to do, it is damning that we are still being asked to do the right thing. We sing songs and remember Christmas carols from our childhood, with the hope that we can make memories for our son.

We open the many gifts from all our friends and family. My son choses the hand held cell-phone. My heart sinks. I have been trying to teach him to use his brain, be more present and active. He is ready for the electronics and the plastic-y loud noises. I feel a bit defeated, but his joy brings me back to our reality. I cannot control everything. The pandemic is teaching us that as well. There is no control, no end in sight. My son looks happy. My mother is happy with her gift. My husband and I have no gifts under this tree. We need to rectify that for next year. Gifts are materialistic for sure- not a value system we want to raise our son with. It is nice to feel like we were thought about though. We want to open gifts is a lesson I learned from this Christmas.

How was it for you?

Leave a comment

Filed under Always one step behind, Celebration, Challenges, Disappointments, Emotions, Environment, Faith, Hope, Life, Living my life, Love, Personal, Society, Thoughts, Wishes

A single hug that keeps on giving

I had failed my USMLE Step 1. It was very disappointing for me, but not a surprise. I was at the lowest point of my life then. I went to my dad, who had always been very strict about my achievements. I asked if I could hug him and I cried.

He held me for what seemed an eternity then. With no questions being asked, he let me cry. He never asked me why I was sad. He may have eventually figured it out, but we never discussed that afternoon I broke into an ugly cry. He gave me the space and respected my need for silence.

I then resolved that I would never fail again. Of course in the years that have passed, I have failed many times, but I have never let any failure define me. I still feel his hug around me. I feel secure in who I am as I feel loved, with no questions asked.

I miss that hug many times, but having experienced it just that one time, has helped me navigate some tough times. I am confident it will take me to all the places I wish to go. I look at all my achievements since my failure and it has become such a non-issue. If my father were alive, I know he would be proud of what I had to overcome to be where I am today.

Thank you for the hug that just keeps on giving.

Leave a comment

Filed under Emotions, Experiences, Love, Personal, Relationships

Judgement

Why do moms have to be so judgmental? Surely you have had challenges with your children? So why does it seem appropriate to pass judgment on other children. How about some compassion, understanding and solidarity? Is that a lot to ask for?

Moms you all can do better.

3 Comments

Filed under Life, parenting

Daddy Issues

I don’t like make-up, I am not very feminine. I used to be called a Tom-boy amongst many other names. I was okay with it as a child. My dad used to say, if they are talking about you, it is because they don’t have much going for them. I didn’t even mind the name calling. It was on them not me.

When I first saw Alok Vaid Menon – I can’t recall where but I was repulsed. It had to be the make-up. Have never liked it really and bold lips- even more so.

A lot of time has passed since. I have been listening to some of the poetry and performance by Alok. It has me moved immensely. I have cried many times listening to him. The world is a cruel place.

I often think of my son and what he will chose to be. I have never once stopped to think what my husband aspires to be. I see my husband lost in being a husband and a father. I often think about what his aspirations would be and what he missed out on.

Do we include men in our discussions around emotions, desires, hopes and dreams. I wouldn’t want my son to be denied of it, so then why do I so often forget about my husband.

Today happens to be my father’s 10th death anniversary. He wont ever get to meet my son. My son will never really know my father. I have never met another man who accepted and loved me just as I am. Even with my many flaws- I always loved, cherished and accepted by my father. I always found him respectful. I know this part of me comes from him.

*Daddy issues-is a performance by Alok Vaid Menon talking about his father – I can’t really paraphrase- please listen for yourself. For context Alok identifies as a gender non-conforming artist and performer- raised by Indian parents in small town Texas.

Leave a comment

Filed under Life

You aren’t forgotten!

There is no doubt that my heart is full of love and gratitude. My days are full with a 16 month old demanding every ounce of my being.

Yet, it doesn’t take much for me to break down and sob quiet tears every time I think of my losses. The grief continues to be real and very palpable.

Moms I see you and I hear you! I wish we would talk about loss more, I wish we would support our moms more.

My angel babies- you continue to guide me. You are gone but you aren’t forgotten!

Leave a comment

Filed under Life

Motherhood is hard

I don’t think I have missed my mother as much as I have missed her in the last few days. I haven’t felt the need for my mother for the longest time. I haven’t even really ever bonded with her in my youth. My yearning to see my mother baffles me.

There is something to be said about changing your world view when you become a mother yourself. I feel very intense love and equally draining fatigue. I laugh silly with my son and have a heartbreak every time he cries. I watch him sleep after a long day at work and can’t wait to be up to pick him up in the mornings. He is always so happy to see me, that I am sad when I have to leave.

I work hard to ensure he is well fed, cared for and loved when I can’t be there for him. I work hard at my job so no one holds my having a son in my 40’s against me. I miss my husband and our time together.

I miss my friends. The pandemic hasn’t been kind to friendships and parenting is isolating. I miss so many relationships but I understand their need to distance themselves. The ones who are around, are around for my son as the aunties they were always meant to be.

Somewhere in all the love and support and a baby I feel lost and forgotten. Until I speak to my mom. I feel like the center of her universe. I feel seen and loved and validated. I feel understood. I am exhausted by my 16 month old boy but my mother has shown up every single time over the last 40 years!

I’ve lived long enough to know that not all mothers provide the warmth and love like mine does. I know that not everyone has the best relationship with their moms and for those of you who have lost your moms and miss them dearly- please know that my biggest fear is to leave my son behind before he is ready.

But then again- will he ever be? Will he know that he tugs at my heart deeply. Will he know that I thank god every single day for the blessing that he is. Will he ever know the joy he has brought into our lives. Will he know that when I am away- my heart breaks each time I hear his voice over the tele, when he blows me kisses and cocks his head to the side in a way that I know he is telling me he loves me. Will he ever know that as I work hard to navigate my career and my relationships and my life, he is always at the center of my universe? Just like I feel and know when I talk to my mom.

Why doesn’t anyone tell you that being a mom is really hard.

1 Comment

Filed under Challenges, Emotions, Experiences, Life, parenting, People, Personal, Relationships

Happy Mother’s Day

This will be my second Mother’s Day.

Even though I give my husband grief about it, last year was perfect. We had just grown our family, he ensured I was well fed, well rested and taken care of. He even managed to get me flowers and Trader Joe’s chocolate babka which happens to be my absolute favorite thing! And we were safe in the height of the pandemic. I couldn’t be more grateful.


This year I’m happy our son is healthy and thriving. We are doing better in our lives and while Mother’s Day continues to feel more of a Hallmark day my heart has been very heavy.


I can’t shake off the recent deaths of two young black boys. I know their mothers are grieving and so many countless unnamed, unacknowledged mothers too because they lost their children to racism.


I can’t help but think of the mothers in war/ famine struck regions who are struggling to keep their children alive. Every time food is wasted as my son learns to eat, or my husband goes on about organic products as he needs to protect my son’s skin I think of children who don’t have clothes, water, shelter, let alone vaccines and medicine. My heart hurts.

I hold my son closer acknowledging our privilege.


So many Mother’s Day posts all around us. It’s not more than a year ago that I was hurting, dejected and unable to find joy in other mom’s joy. I have friends who continue to struggle. I know countless women dread this weekend either because they couldn’t have a child or they lost theirs. My own pain is so palpable. I’m so heartbroken for the unspoken and unrecognized pain.


I’m going to put that pain aside for this weekend. I’m going to go hug my son and show gratitude for the blessings in my life. I’m going to pray women can be strong and that we can collectively show up for each other.


I hope we can truly make this weekend come to mean something.

Leave a comment

Filed under Life

I am not okay..

And neither should you be!

A lot of good things have happened in my life. I am grateful. But I am not okay. The struggle is real. Senseless killings at the hands of the police in this country is no longer accidental. Its systemic, pervasive and abhorrent. The thought that a 20 year old boy will be killed for air freshner at the hands of a police officer who could not tell the difference between a taser and a gun is unbelievable. When I see the picture of the one year old in the arms of the 20 year old, I see my own son in both their faces.

I am not black. I am not allowed to identify as a minority in this country as I am an Indian physician. We are not a recognized minority, even though we experience all the racism and discrimination.

You cannot take my humanity away. I am now a mom who has held her son tighter since the killing for Duante Wright. The thought of losing my child for absolutely no reason but an anarchist police force- is gut wrenching.

I am not okay. Neither should you be.

You need to stand up for yourself and also those you don’t identify with. It may not be you today, but they will come at you.

2 Comments

Filed under Life

My little person

There is a little person sleeping in the bedroom as I write this!

The windows are open, the pedestal fan is on. He is wrapped up in a sleep sac and he is sleeping with no care in the world. His arms are in an open position and his legs are splayed open. Watching him sleep is one of my greatest joys. He is a baby sleeping well, hopefully knowing he is loved, feeling safe and care for.

Its been a hard year with the last week ending in a crescendo with the elections in the United States. It has been an unbelievable time. Humans however always display their ability to expand their capacity to tolerate, display their resilience, and overcome any hurdle that is thrown their way.

I often look at my little person and wonder what curveballs will life throw at him? Will he be made fun of for being the brown boy in a white country? Will he hate his Indian roots because his clothes are too loud, his food is smelly and feel different as we try to navigate raising an American child with Indian roots. Having Vice-President elect Kamala Harris, allays a lot of my anxiety. Representation matters!!!

I have often thought about what choices my little person will make as he grows up. Will he enjoy Science and Math like his mom, will he care more for History and Geography like his dad? Will his first crush like him back? How many heart breaks will my son experience?

As I try to memorize his constantly evolving face, I wonder if I will be able to teach him to love himself, respect others, tolerate all religions and have enough in him to always be generous. Will I teach him to be kind, compassionate and civil? Will he grow up to enjoy reading books, listening to music and appreciate the finer things in life. Will he know that his parents worked hard in their little corner to combat climate change so he has a world to live in. Will he know that his parents have discussed endlessly to always respect his autonomy, sexual orientation and life choices?

There is a little person sleeping in the bedroom as I type this. Will he know that no matter what, he is loved and treasured?

Leave a comment

Filed under A first, Culture, Decisions, Emotions, Expectations, Experiences, Life, parenting, People, Personal, Questions., Relationships, Society, Thoughts, Wishes

Blessed!

I get to say I have a 6 month old baby!

That’s it. Those are the feelings!

2 Comments

Filed under A first, Attitude, Celebration, Communication, Emotions, Thoughts