I don’t think I have missed my mother as much as I have missed her in the last few days. I haven’t felt the need for my mother for the longest time. I haven’t even really ever bonded with her in my youth. My yearning to see my mother baffles me.
There is something to be said about changing your world view when you become a mother yourself. I feel very intense love and equally draining fatigue. I laugh silly with my son and have a heartbreak every time he cries. I watch him sleep after a long day at work and can’t wait to be up to pick him up in the mornings. He is always so happy to see me, that I am sad when I have to leave.
I work hard to ensure he is well fed, cared for and loved when I can’t be there for him. I work hard at my job so no one holds my having a son in my 40’s against me. I miss my husband and our time together.
I miss my friends. The pandemic hasn’t been kind to friendships and parenting is isolating. I miss so many relationships but I understand their need to distance themselves. The ones who are around, are around for my son as the aunties they were always meant to be.
Somewhere in all the love and support and a baby I feel lost and forgotten. Until I speak to my mom. I feel like the center of her universe. I feel seen and loved and validated. I feel understood. I am exhausted by my 16 month old boy but my mother has shown up every single time over the last 40 years!
I’ve lived long enough to know that not all mothers provide the warmth and love like mine does. I know that not everyone has the best relationship with their moms and for those of you who have lost your moms and miss them dearly- please know that my biggest fear is to leave my son behind before he is ready.
But then again- will he ever be? Will he know that he tugs at my heart deeply. Will he know that I thank god every single day for the blessing that he is. Will he ever know the joy he has brought into our lives. Will he know that when I am away- my heart breaks each time I hear his voice over the tele, when he blows me kisses and cocks his head to the side in a way that I know he is telling me he loves me. Will he ever know that as I work hard to navigate my career and my relationships and my life, he is always at the center of my universe? Just like I feel and know when I talk to my mom.
Why doesn’t anyone tell you that being a mom is really hard.