Judgement

Why do moms have to be so judgmental? Surely you have had challenges with your children? So why does it seem appropriate to pass judgment on other children. How about some compassion, understanding and solidarity? Is that a lot to ask for?

Moms you all can do better.

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Daddy Issues

I don’t like make-up, I am not very feminine. I used to be called a Tom-boy amongst many other names. I was okay with it as a child. My dad used to say, if they are talking about you, it is because they don’t have much going for them. I didn’t even mind the name calling. It was on them not me.

When I first saw Alok Vaid Menon – I can’t recall where but I was repulsed. It had to be the make-up. Have never liked it really and bold lips- even more so.

A lot of time has passed since. I have been listening to some of the poetry and performance by Alok. It has me moved immensely. I have cried many times listening to him. The world is a cruel place.

I often think of my son and what he will chose to be. I have never once stopped to think what my husband aspires to be. I see my husband lost in being a husband and a father. I often think about what his aspirations would be and what he missed out on.

Do we include men in our discussions around emotions, desires, hopes and dreams. I wouldn’t want my son to be denied of it, so then why do I so often forget about my husband.

Today happens to be my father’s 10th death anniversary. He wont ever get to meet my son. My son will never really know my father. I have never met another man who accepted and loved me just as I am. Even with my many flaws- I always loved, cherished and accepted by my father. I always found him respectful. I know this part of me comes from him.

*Daddy issues-is a performance by Alok Vaid Menon talking about his father – I can’t really paraphrase- please listen for yourself. For context Alok identifies as a gender non-conforming artist and performer- raised by Indian parents in small town Texas.

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You aren’t forgotten!

There is no doubt that my heart is full of love and gratitude. My days are full with a 16 month old demanding every ounce of my being.

Yet, it doesn’t take much for me to break down and sob quiet tears every time I think of my losses. The grief continues to be real and very palpable.

Moms I see you and I hear you! I wish we would talk about loss more, I wish we would support our moms more.

My angel babies- you continue to guide me. You are gone but you aren’t forgotten!

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Motherhood is hard

I don’t think I have missed my mother as much as I have missed her in the last few days. I haven’t felt the need for my mother for the longest time. I haven’t even really ever bonded with her in my youth. My yearning to see my mother baffles me.

There is something to be said about changing your world view when you become a mother yourself. I feel very intense love and equally draining fatigue. I laugh silly with my son and have a heartbreak every time he cries. I watch him sleep after a long day at work and can’t wait to be up to pick him up in the mornings. He is always so happy to see me, that I am sad when I have to leave.

I work hard to ensure he is well fed, cared for and loved when I can’t be there for him. I work hard at my job so no one holds my having a son in my 40’s against me. I miss my husband and our time together.

I miss my friends. The pandemic hasn’t been kind to friendships and parenting is isolating. I miss so many relationships but I understand their need to distance themselves. The ones who are around, are around for my son as the aunties they were always meant to be.

Somewhere in all the love and support and a baby I feel lost and forgotten. Until I speak to my mom. I feel like the center of her universe. I feel seen and loved and validated. I feel understood. I am exhausted by my 16 month old boy but my mother has shown up every single time over the last 40 years!

I’ve lived long enough to know that not all mothers provide the warmth and love like mine does. I know that not everyone has the best relationship with their moms and for those of you who have lost your moms and miss them dearly- please know that my biggest fear is to leave my son behind before he is ready.

But then again- will he ever be? Will he know that he tugs at my heart deeply. Will he know that I thank god every single day for the blessing that he is. Will he ever know the joy he has brought into our lives. Will he know that when I am away- my heart breaks each time I hear his voice over the tele, when he blows me kisses and cocks his head to the side in a way that I know he is telling me he loves me. Will he ever know that as I work hard to navigate my career and my relationships and my life, he is always at the center of my universe? Just like I feel and know when I talk to my mom.

Why doesn’t anyone tell you that being a mom is really hard.

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Filed under Challenges, Emotions, Experiences, Life, parenting, People, Personal, Relationships

Happy Mother’s Day

This will be my second Mother’s Day.

Even though I give my husband grief about it, last year was perfect. We had just grown our family, he ensured I was well fed, well rested and taken care of. He even managed to get me flowers and Trader Joe’s chocolate babka which happens to be my absolute favorite thing! And we were safe in the height of the pandemic. I couldn’t be more grateful.


This year I’m happy our son is healthy and thriving. We are doing better in our lives and while Mother’s Day continues to feel more of a Hallmark day my heart has been very heavy.


I can’t shake off the recent deaths of two young black boys. I know their mothers are grieving and so many countless unnamed, unacknowledged mothers too because they lost their children to racism.


I can’t help but think of the mothers in war/ famine struck regions who are struggling to keep their children alive. Every time food is wasted as my son learns to eat, or my husband goes on about organic products as he needs to protect my son’s skin I think of children who don’t have clothes, water, shelter, let alone vaccines and medicine. My heart hurts.

I hold my son closer acknowledging our privilege.


So many Mother’s Day posts all around us. It’s not more than a year ago that I was hurting, dejected and unable to find joy in other mom’s joy. I have friends who continue to struggle. I know countless women dread this weekend either because they couldn’t have a child or they lost theirs. My own pain is so palpable. I’m so heartbroken for the unspoken and unrecognized pain.


I’m going to put that pain aside for this weekend. I’m going to go hug my son and show gratitude for the blessings in my life. I’m going to pray women can be strong and that we can collectively show up for each other.


I hope we can truly make this weekend come to mean something.

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I am not okay..

And neither should you be!

A lot of good things have happened in my life. I am grateful. But I am not okay. The struggle is real. Senseless killings at the hands of the police in this country is no longer accidental. Its systemic, pervasive and abhorrent. The thought that a 20 year old boy will be killed for air freshner at the hands of a police officer who could not tell the difference between a taser and a gun is unbelievable. When I see the picture of the one year old in the arms of the 20 year old, I see my own son in both their faces.

I am not black. I am not allowed to identify as a minority in this country as I am an Indian physician. We are not a recognized minority, even though we experience all the racism and discrimination.

You cannot take my humanity away. I am now a mom who has held her son tighter since the killing for Duante Wright. The thought of losing my child for absolutely no reason but an anarchist police force- is gut wrenching.

I am not okay. Neither should you be.

You need to stand up for yourself and also those you don’t identify with. It may not be you today, but they will come at you.

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My little person

There is a little person sleeping in the bedroom as I write this!

The windows are open, the pedestal fan is on. He is wrapped up in a sleep sac and he is sleeping with no care in the world. His arms are in an open position and his legs are splayed open. Watching him sleep is one of my greatest joys. He is a baby sleeping well, hopefully knowing he is loved, feeling safe and care for.

Its been a hard year with the last week ending in a crescendo with the elections in the United States. It has been an unbelievable time. Humans however always display their ability to expand their capacity to tolerate, display their resilience, and overcome any hurdle that is thrown their way.

I often look at my little person and wonder what curveballs will life throw at him? Will he be made fun of for being the brown boy in a white country? Will he hate his Indian roots because his clothes are too loud, his food is smelly and feel different as we try to navigate raising an American child with Indian roots. Having Vice-President elect Kamala Harris, allays a lot of my anxiety. Representation matters!!!

I have often thought about what choices my little person will make as he grows up. Will he enjoy Science and Math like his mom, will he care more for History and Geography like his dad? Will his first crush like him back? How many heart breaks will my son experience?

As I try to memorize his constantly evolving face, I wonder if I will be able to teach him to love himself, respect others, tolerate all religions and have enough in him to always be generous. Will I teach him to be kind, compassionate and civil? Will he grow up to enjoy reading books, listening to music and appreciate the finer things in life. Will he know that his parents worked hard in their little corner to combat climate change so he has a world to live in. Will he know that his parents have discussed endlessly to always respect his autonomy, sexual orientation and life choices?

There is a little person sleeping in the bedroom as I type this. Will he know that no matter what, he is loved and treasured?

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Filed under A first, Culture, Decisions, Emotions, Expectations, Experiences, Life, parenting, People, Personal, Questions., Relationships, Society, Thoughts, Wishes

Blessed!

I get to say I have a 6 month old baby!

That’s it. Those are the feelings!

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Filed under A first, Attitude, Celebration, Communication, Emotions, Thoughts

Reset, little?

It has been a tough week. Ruth Bader Ginsburg passed away. 2020 is truly robbing us of everything. It has been particularly hard to deal with her loss, as I also heard about a friend’s father who died without either of his children by his side. That really hurt, as that could easily have been my mother. What is even harder is the constant negative narrative around us. We are in the election year in the United States and that has always been an ugly horrible time. Families break, friendships are lost and the society fractures just a little more each time. This year the stakes are very high. It is going to be a bloodbath.

The partisanship, finger point, blaming is at heightened levels. Things are so bad at the moment, that a physician I have come to like and respect was full of sorrow and anger at the passing of RBG. Sorrow because it is a herculean loss especially for women who enjoy equal rights in this country. Anger because she felt that our current state of mess is somehow RBG’s fault. She should have resigned when the time was right so we wouldn’t be in this current mess were her exact words.

Okay! Deep breath!

She may have a point. I don’t know the entire history of events. What I do recall is that President Obama didn’t have the Senate backing to put his nominee Merrick Garland on the Supreme Court. What I recall is that this country chose to put Trump in charge of the Executive Office instead of Hilary Clinton (woman) and even if Hilary Clinton was elected president, not having the Senate majority we would have had vacancies. Even if RBG resigned during Clinton’s term which is what she publicly said she would do, Clinton would not have filled her seat- as you know Democrats don’t have the Senate. Trump’s Republican party was able to get Anthony Kennedy to resign to fill his seat with Kavannaugh.

We aren’t where we are today because a woman of RBG’s stature refused to resign a well earned seat on the table. We are here because of years of systematic work by the Republican Party, strong push back and policies. We are here because a Democratic President could not gather enough support in a Republican Senate when he had almost a year of his presidency left. We are here because the Democrats didn’t flip the senate in 2016. We are here because Democrats didn’t want to support a woman president. She wasn’t left enough- they preferred Bernie Sanders so she got no support even from the registered Democrats. Those very Democrats will support Joe Biden this year. Perhaps its is something about being a white male president?

At the end of the day, your placing blame on a woman for the current state of affairs is the very bigotry, RBG fought against. You have a voice and a platform because of her work. You are just not man enough to accept that you aren’t comfortable with a woman on the table.

Okay! Deep breath!

Perhaps she does have a point. The question really should be, where do we go from here? The sentiment really should be, thank you RBG- rest in power! The narrative really should be- why do I find it easier to blame a woman and not question my sexism? The point of reflection should be, how do I make this world more inclusive and better for my future generations so that they don’t find themselves in the same boat?

Deep breath!

Perhaps the real question is do we all need a reset?

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Filed under Attitude, Communication, Condolences, Conversations, Death, Disappointments, Environment, Expectations, Experiences, Inspiration, Issues, Life, Loss, People, Politics, Rants, Sad, Society, Thoughts

Empty cup

You cannot pour from an empty cup.

Today, this moment is asking a lot out of us.

I can actually end the post right here. The above statement in itself is a million feelings, gazillion experiences and a bazillion tears, insecurities, and fears.

Today, no one is spared of the pandemic and everything that has come with it. Fatigue is the word that comes to mind. Everyone is feeling some kind of fatigue. In this climate we are all being asked to give a little extra. Little more of kindness, compassion, understanding, patience, grace.

This is an especially hard time for first time mothers. The support every new parents needs and deserves just doesn’t exist and so it becomes even more important that we have each other’s back.

Despite knowing all of this if you find it hard to be empathetic to someone else, please know that it is okay. We can’t always identify with someone else’s struggles despite our best efforts. That is okay. Especially today it is okay.

I follow a clinician researcher on social media. She is a first time mom like me and her child is only one week apart from mine. I admire her for her success in her clinical and research work. I have to often remind myself while she is a great role model, she is also a native of the United States with very different exposures and opportunities. While she creates a good bench mark for us aspiring clinician researches, she already had a lead even before she started. Her parents live close to her and she has her entire support system a stone throw away from her. She has often complained of her circumstances and how she is truly struggling given the current climate. I want to empathize with her. I trust that things are tough.

But, I have none of what she does. So the empathy is hard to come by. I am not surprised by my reaction, but I am disappointed. I know I have to try harder to at least acknowledge her confessed postpartum depression. As a woman, first time mom, doctor I should be more sympathetic towards her but I struggle. Her grant writing, breastfeeding, Peloton riding self invokes no sympathy from me.

Has COVID truly got the better of me? Or am I just an empty cup at the moment?

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Filed under Attitude, Challenges, Communication, Culture, Disappointments, Emotions, Environment, Expectations, Experiences, Goal, Life, parenting, People, Personal, Society, Thoughts