Deep cleanse..

Home is where the heart it. This doesn’t feel like home. Perhaps a year isn’t enough time to feel like one belongs. There is too much space that isn’t well inhabited, and there isn’t enough space for so many things that should rightfully find their place here.

The move was meant to bring good luck. I haven’t seen any evidence of that. If anything life has been tough, demanding and very heart breaking. This year has totally sucked so far. So where is the heart I wonder?

What do I need to do to get to where I’d like to be? How does one deep cleanse the old wounds to make way for the new possibilities? I often talk on this blog about letting people go. I sometimes wonder if people should be the easiest commodity to play with in our lives. It is fair to only keep the best quality of them around. What might be good for me, may not be good enough for someone else. When I am wholly and painfully aware that people are the most fragile beings, is it fair to trade them?

People are not the only commodity that one may need to deep cleanse from. What about memories to things and every thing in between that cause pain and hurt? How do we deep cleanse from those?

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Not today..

An unusual text message. Unlikely person to send it. Unlikely time to get it. Something had to be wrong.  It was. I lost a part of my childhood instantaneously. I lost my mind, had my heart broken and my soul shattered. The one person I know I can always turn to, didn’t seem like the one I should turn to. Despair, pain, and loss of my footing is an unknown and uncomfortable place to be. Three weeks out now and I am still grappling with this new reality.

An unknown future lies ahead of me. Some of the uncertainty is my own making. Just like grief, some of us deal with stress with the five stages. I have surpassed denial and anger. Current state lies some where between depression and bargaining. Some days I want to give it all up and then other days, I remind myself I wasn’t born to give up. As in Finding Nemo, one just has to keep swimming.

An unlikely friendship could have been nurtured, but as time passes it seems to be very unlikely. There is very little space for disrespect, flakiness, and entitled behavior. Fully aware that it is hard to create bonds of friendship as an adult, I generally keep a high threshold for poor judgement and behavior. Something I have learned in my years of making and keeping good friends, is that if we believe we deserve good quality people in our life, then we don’t need to settle for poor quality relationships. We just have to keep the faith and continue striving for good.

Not all is lost as I start this year on a rather somber and humbling note.  I celebrated 9 years with my wonderful husband. We have laughed and cried together through this beautiful life journey. Despite its ups and downs I would go on this exact same journey with this man many many times over.  A quote by Ellen DeGeneres  perhaps summarizes my relationship a tad bit better, ” To be loved is wonderful, to be understood is profound”

So how has your new year been so far?

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2 weeks down 50 more to go!

Just checking in! How were your first two weeks of this year?

2 more years and we will be in 2020’s. So fascinating! Has that hit anyone yet?

As a “blogger” I fail miserably. Of all the hats I wear on a daily basis, blogger hat suffers the most. I don’t have the words I once had in my arsenal to write. I don’t have the time, I once freely enjoyed. I don’t have the will to make the effort either.

I would hope I can change that this year.

 

 

 

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Resolutions 2018!

I turn 40 this year! It is a big year for me. I want this year to count for me! That is all I am going to say about that.

What are your resolutions for 2018?!

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It is time to say good bye…

..to 2017. I am not going anywhere, however dismal and limited my blogging has become, just in case you thought I was going to go.

Along with a good bye, comes reflection of the past year. I have been taking small steps to reduce my internal struggles and external battles in turn. One thing that has often come to my attention is that the more I am grateful for what I have the more I will have in turn. I don’t know how that works but here are a few things that I am grateful for from 2017.

  1. Travel: I got to go on  vacation with my mother, I got to meet a dear friend in UK, and spend a lot of quality time with my husband.
  2. Health-mates: I finally opened up to people and joined Facebook walking challenges, Fitbit challenges. Finding solidarity from my health-mates has helped me stay on track.
  3. More husband time: My husband decided to quit his day job and follow his heart’s desire. I have seen him more, hugged him more, and talked to him. I have loved every minute I have got with him this past year.
  4. Becoming an advocate for myself.  I have often struggled with “seeing both sides” I still do, however I have learned that there is something to be said about having an opinion. We are all entitled to one and it is our right to defend it. I have encouraged myself to be more vocal. That in turn has made me think of what really matters to me and it has been good to know myself better
  5. Podcasts: Have discovered the world of podcasts this past year and it has changed my life. So much out there.. it has been eye opening.
  6. Opening myself to the idea of adoption.. making the decision that adding a member to my family is more important to me than feeling defeated that “I” could not make a baby.
  7. Letting go: That was my only resolution last year.. and I have to say I have done a very good job of it. I let go of negative energy, people, things and everything that sucked the energy out of me. Instead I focused on myself, my work and the people I feel closest to, those that bring positivity in my life.

What are you thankful for?

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Life is a bitch..

There is no other way to say this but no one has it good. In the day and age of social media over load, it may seem that all people do is be happy and make merry. What we don’t share is our daily lives, with its struggles and uncertainties. What doesn’t come through those filters are our insecurities and our fears.

A month ago, my Facebook feed was flooded with R.I.P messages for a young man I met around 9 years ago. He was almost a decade younger than me in college and very shy. I met him and his sister during their spring break. Two typical brown kids in the United States. It was easy for them to see that I understood their very brown parents better than they themselves did and we bonded right away. That level of understanding-misunderstanding made us laugh, talk into the night, and share a closeness I would never encounter again. I never even met the two kids again apart from the occasional interactions via Facebook. And so when I learned of his death I reached out to the sister and parents. The devastation caused by the loss of this young brilliant warm affection human being has touched me as well. One can only imagine what people close to him feel. There is an outpouring of messages on Facebook for this young man even today, a month after his passing.

Last Saturday I was woken up by a frenzy of text messages from my co-worker. His 72 year old ex-military healthy father was diagnosed with stage 4 pancreatic cancer on his first visit to the ER in 30 years. How does one even come to grapple with news like that. There is no cure, there is no hope. What do you tell your family when they look to your for some rationalizing of the impossible. For advise. I can only imagine what my co-worker is going through. He is the youngest of 7 siblings. Being the only physician in the family he is going to have to suck away the last rays of hope this family has at helping their father.

I can go on and on. One may feel that god gives different share of happiness to everyone, but let me assure you, there is equal amount of crap in every ones life that they need to deal with. We didn’t get pregnant with the last IVF cycle. Rather than feeling sorry for ourselves, we are compelled to counting our blessings when we see all the misery around us. I am not even going to get into the misery that is our government, the wars, the famine, the treatable infectious diseases that plague our society. We are even losing our basic sense of decency and respect. I am shattered today for more than one reason. My hope for me, my family and the rest of the world is that despite all the craziness in the world, we can all find some peace!

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To my single girl friends…

And I have plenty of those. You know who you are. Who am I kidding. I don’t think anyone of you actually reads my blog. Either way, it is a bit alarming to me to find that I am almost nearing 40 and I have so many of my peers who are still single. I am talking about my female friends. They are smart, educated, independent, funny, come from good families, grounded and yet they are single. My husband and I talk about that sometimes. He has often expressed his disbelief that women such as these haven’t yet found a man, who would gladly be their life partners. These are well-traveled, well-spoken, successful women. He tells me that men would be lucky to have these women in their life. I agree with him, but I also think that those are the very reasons, these women find it hard to find men who will want to be with them.

Don’t get me wrong. I am not against men. Heck I am married to one. But is he more special than I give him credit for? I would expect most men to be like him. I expect most men I grew up to be like him. I expect men to be respectful, sincere, compassionate, patient, loving. That isn’t too much to ask for is it? And yet when I see men, marriages and people around me, I see what these single women see. It is pretty disdainful if you ask me. I don’t think men in many societies have learned to create that balance between hierarchy, leadership, team player all at once in a home setting. One cannot be an authoritarian leader at all times to be successful. You have to learn to give some, take some to make things work.

So the big questions is, are men today threatened rather than enamored by the woman of today? Have we set double standards for what is desirable in a man versus a woman?

To my single friends, after being married for almost 9 years, here is what I have to say to you:

  1. Never ever settle. Nothing is worth that.
  2. No one is perfect. Neither are you.
  3. Rather than height, weight, color concentrate on person and personality.
  4. Character is way more important than paycheck.
  5. Don’t look for your past lovers in your future.
  6. Work hard to find your partner. Since this is life long, work even harder than you worked for your college degree, your first job or that promotion. If you aren’t willing to put in that effort, how will you find a life-partner?
  7. Keep the biological clock in mind. It is a real thing.
  8. Be nice, be patient and be open to possibilities.
  9. Good luck!

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