Is this really the end?

When I got hospitalized my mother cancelled her surgery which was to be in less than a day and flew to the US. Of course that caused a bit of a panic in the family. Since I have been away from family and friends for almost 20 years now, I didn’t want a flurry of activity on Facebook.  Yes I write about myself and my life on a public forum but I consider myself an extremely private person. Funny how that works. There was no way I would indulge in personal information exchange on Facebook, by people I don’t really consider close to me.

Well if you didn’t get the drift, this post is about Facebook. Or the lack thereof. So I deactivated my account. It is a huge step for me

I consider myself a Facebook addict. I got my parents an account.. That is how much I believed in the power of Facebook. I spent 8 months of my life raising awareness on cancer and raise money for the American Cancer Society- On Facebook. I loved the fact that I wouldn’t miss anyone’s birthday and nothing gives me more pleasure than making someone happy on their birthday! And now I know why. It is a big deal to be born. You could be perfectly normal and you can still be lost. So if you made it into this world, you need to be celebrated.

Sometime last year I hit a 1000 friends. The number of social media friends I have is very small. Like 5 perhaps. It has taken me years to get to that level of opening up. So everyone else are people I know in person. For sometime now, I started to realize that people do not even thank me for the yearly birthday wishes. There was absolutely no communication. The notification feeds on Facebook wall, just keeps me bored and forces me to judge people in ways I don’t want to. I find people just becoming haters, intolerant and disgruntled. Not exactly the point of Facebook if you ask me.

Even after I deactivated my account, my husband reported that he could still see my page. So only I wasn’t looking at my account but everyone else could.  It’s been more than 3 weeks and I haven’t missed it one bit. My husband (I am responsible for his account as well) tries once in a while to get me back to it. For now I am staying away. I am little concerned about missing 209 wishes on Facebook on my birthday which is less than 6 weeks away. But then really it is the 10/12 people who care about my birthday anyway. Those are the only people that matter to me too.

So here I am wondering am I finally over my Facebook addiction? Has anyone of you got off Facebook? What was your experience?

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Friday fives

Five things that don’t help when you have just lost a 6 month fetus!

1. Well wishers tip toeing around you. They want to say something “right”. But they have absolutely no clue what to say. There is no right or wrong. We lost a child. Or the potential of being a real person. We lost our dreams and hopes and aspirations. We lost our own potential. It’s like doing everything you could to get a job, you go through 6 rounds of interviews. In your gut you think you got it this time. Why would you get to the 6th round of it wasn’t meant to be. And yet the job goes to another candidate. Nothing against the other candidate. But why not me? So yeah. There is no “right” thing to say. But say something. It’s a freaking huge loss. Don’t hide behind political correctness. 
2. People telling you, it wasn’t meant to be. Something better is in store for you. This I feel is the worst. This is probably the most true, but it’s also the worst thing to tell a would be mother. It seems like getting pregnant isn’t what it used to be. You know two people have awkward sex at the back of the car and wham! Positive test. It takes months and years of trying, doctors visits, medical treatments, artificial insemination/fertilizations yada-yaad-ya. And even then there are no guarantees. Then the ensuing pregnancy related issues of nausea, taste changes, gi upsets, mood swings, etc etc. Accompanied by doctors visits, injections, tests and more tests. When finally things settle and you start to feel the slightest hint of life inside -those sweet kicks. Then to lose a child. You got to be freaking kidding me. Something better??? Why wasn’t this it? I was so ready to put it all behind me. 
3. Everyone around you seems to be getting pregnant and having healthy babies. How does that happen??? Why didn’t I get my success story? Some of my friends are having their second child. When they want that child- like on demand. And here it took me 16 months to get pregnant that too with help. I want to know what they are doing differently. 
4. Your mom comes to your rescue. I’m sure women like their mums to be around. The whole mother-daughter relationship, understanding, bonds of love, etc. I don’t particularly relate to that. I have a pretty kickass mom. She was on a 15 hour flight to the US within 4 hours of being told, that I was taken to the hospital. She felt rightly so that we would need her. And we do. Just to have another human being, the most well meaning, caring, fabulous cook of an awesome person that she is. However, she insists on daily massages, an agarbatti to the gods, three meals, cheerful conversations and ice cream after every meal. I feel like I need to indulge in her before she loses her shit. She is barely holding it together being brave and strong for her daughter. But I see the pain she feels for her little girl in her eyes. 
5. Having the best husband/ partner in life. If the man you lost a baby with was a bit of a scumbag, then you could throw a tantrum, stay in a bad mood, eat what you wanted to and shut him out of your life. Just to make sense of what life threw at you. But when you see relief intermixed with fear in the eyes of your man as you get wheeled out of the OR, feeling empty and defeated rather than pain and disappointment, you can’t push your rock away. You want to hold them and grieve your loss together. Sometimes you just don’t know how. We make promises of staying strong together. We tell each other we love each other. We promise we won’t give up. We hope to learn and grow from this experience. We will. Yet I know we both are struggling with the pain we each feel our ourselves and for each other. 

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Rerun

I’m heartbroken. But the tears won’t fall. The heart won’t cry. The feelings don’t sting. The words fail me. I’m numb and it’s beginning to worry me. I don’t know when I’m going to break. I know I will. I’ve watched this movie play before my eyes in the past. I know I will be shattered. It’s just a matter of time.

So I hang onto my sanity. Make the right decisions. Assure people around me. I know they are walking on egg shells. They are right to do so. Just like me they are waiting for the ceiling of normalcy to break. Neither of us aware of the aftermath.

I tell myself, I’m going to get past this. I don’t want to give myself a choice. I want to look beyond my loss, the impending grief, the feeling of complete failure. I know all the words that were said before. If I gave people the opportunity they will say them again. I don’t want to. Empty is all I feel.
I remind myself that the two people who care for me the most and truly love me are right here besides me. I’ve got to get it together for them. As it is I who holds them up and keeps them standing strong. I’m not sure I want this burden, but I will bear it anyway.
I want to tell you exactly what I mean. I want to tell you what happened. I want a shoulder to cry on. But the words fail me. The tears won’t fall. The heart won’t cry. The feelings don’t sting. Empty is all I feel.

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Changing things up!

I had  4 blogs. None getting the attention, I thought I would give them. In the years that I have been blogging, I have resisted the urge to start forty six blogs, even though  I really wanted to. I realize that there are many facets to our existence. Even though I occupy one body I live several lives. I don’t suffer from any disorders I can assure you. Just because I like food, travel, theater, medicine, research, or would love to write about varied topics, I know that people who read this blog might not have the same interests. Hence the need for different blogs. You know to tease out the right audience, so I can generate some conversation on the blog. We all would like a meaning conversation on our blogs. With the way my blogs were going (no where), I wanted to change things up. So I merged three blogs into one. For now I have two blogs. I plan on starting another but I will wait a while before I get into that.

I don’t recollect when I stopped being vociferous about my opinions. I have plenty like all of us do. Like all of us should. I even disagree strongly. I just don’t voice my thoughts. I find people very volatile with poorly researched facts voicing their opinions based on their emotions and perceptions rather than putting the facts together, or listening to other points of view. There is no discussion to be had with such people. Which over the years I find is almost every body. Small minded people, who lack intellect, are really not worth getting into a discussion with. So over time I have changed from talking to listening missing real conversations with real people. Unfortunately those very ignorant think I agree with them because I don’t oppose them. If only!

 

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Monday musings

Fear is a good thing they say. It means you are about to do something brave.

Dissatisfaction is the armour of the ambitious he said. The satisfied don’t go very far.

Extroverts are the bad apples of the society. They squish the introverts.

Our dignity lies in our hands. We bring upon what we get.

Look at another perspective, because your own is flawed.

When men speak their mind, they make thinkers and philosophers; when women do, they are privileged.

We all have our opinions. Those we speak out loud and those that we keep to ourselves. We have our own fears and insecurities and prejudices. Only so many of us have the audacity of our beliefs to be honest and voice how we actually feel. Most of us don’t. I am all for opinions. But some I just can’t wrap my head around.

Which camp do you belong to?

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How you doin?*

First day of the 8th month of 2016! Below is where I am with my plans.  Everything in bold is already done and dusted. Those in italics are a work in progress. Life has changed, plans have changed accordingly.

More important than the list that is only pertinent to my life is that life happens and just keeps happening. Plans are just plans. Something work out and other things stop being a priority. I like plans. They keep me on point. They remind me of all the things I have always wanted to do or considered important enough for me at some point to be done.

But that’s not how life turns out. I think it has been the most humbling experience of my life. Nothing has really worked out the way I have planned it. There came a time when I even stopped planning and there in lays the problem. I’ve learned that no plan is a sure path to failure. So that changed thanks to this list.

  • Drink more water, 10K steps daily at a minimum
  • Read the newspaper daily, not monthly
  • Complete Master’s thesis – converted to PhD in Clinical Service
  • Complete all pending research papers
  • Write at least one paper every 3 months- working on several projects
  • Network on a daily basis
  • Get a better job- daily work in progress
  • Log in a daily thought- daily work in progress
  • Learn to bake bread, try new recipes, try new cuisines
  • Meal prep weekly, weigh my food, log food, water and exercise diligently
  • Weight training, swimming, yoga to be incorporated in weekly routines
  • Read articles, books that don’t include school work, research articles, and news.
  • Blog/Instagram/ Write reviews regularly. Make a schedule and stick with it.
  • Sort out pending paper work from last year
  • Continue and increase recycling- remember almost everything can be recycled
  • Continue and do better with minimalistic living
  • Let go of people, places, ideas and thoughts that don’t want to stay
  • Remember that money saved is money earned
  • Invest in property
  • Travel to a destination outside of the US- Europe🙂
  • Learn Spanish-this is the year

*Joey from F.R.I.E.N.D.S way of saying hello..:)

 

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Friday -Fives!

Two more weeks and we will have crossed another milestone in our lives. I am terrified but also very excited. Look out for an announcement here.

Nothing clears up the mind and soul like genuine conversations with good friends. I am happy, inspired and totally motivated by the wonderful girl friends in my life.

The best advise I have heard in the past few weeks has been to be myself.  Sometimes, the person we are, our personality is all the armour we need.

A few years ago, I mentioned on this blog, that I had no regrets. I would live my life just the way I had. Now a few years later I have plenty. I really wished I had done a few things differently.

Nominating the first female presidential nominee by a leading party has made history in the United States. It’s taken them 240 years after independence to finally see a woman worthy of the office. Is there anyone else who sees the problem with it?

Happy Friday! Next week, I plan to review where I am with my resolutions for this year

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