I was delayed by two days. The longest two days of my life. As soon as I made an entrance I knew there was no place for me, my emotions, my feelings. I had to be the father, the mother, the daughter, the sister, the wife, the niece, the daughter-in-law. I had to play every role that I was ever entrusted to play, but myself. At the time it was okay.
As the hours passed by and I took on the reigns of the doer, I realized I was doing everything back stage. I was the backbone, the foundation, the strength, the pillar and yet my name, my presence was no where to be seen or to be felt. At the time I felt I was meant to do what I was doing. At the time it was okay.
There is a Hindu ritual called “pagadi rasam”. It is the passing of the responsibilities from father to son after the death of the father. This one troubled me the most. I wondered why my mother wasn’t involved in the ritual when she knew my father the best. Or me since I was the child that knew my father the best and was closest to him. I struggled with my emotions and the roles I was asked to play. Which at this particular ritual was to stay hidden and uninvolved.
It is 4 years since and I continue to play the roles I took on that day. I am the father, the mother, the daughter, the sister, the wife, the niece, the daughter-in-law. I continue to question those very rituals and I continue to struggle with my emotions. Just because they said so, it doesn’t make it right.
Filed under death, Life, Loss
Is there anyone else out there who is astonished and slightly disturbed that we are mid way through the 8th month of the year. I have a draft lingering where I started to write about what I have achieved thus far. When I started to look at my post on the resolutions I made, they were so vague it took me a while to decipher what I was originally thinking. Yes I confuse myself a lot of times.
I don’t feel like I have achieved much this year. I feel like I have been dragging my feet, waiting for a miracle to happen. I have let my emotions take me over and I am assuming that life will be forgiving. Which happens NEVER! No one is ever forgiven. Life goes on and if you snooze you loose.
So perhaps with 4 months remaining, I could put some definition into my resolutions. Some thing more tangible?
Health: I am running a 5K in less than two weeks. Running was the challenge I picked up this year. Next year I want to either do the sprint marathon or do the liberty swim.
Attitude: I wanted to learn how to let go. Take emotion out of situations, make the right decisions. Yeah, still working on that.
Society: It was all about making more personal connections. Less social media, more face to face. It has been quite a ride. We have been hosting people, making an effort to travel to weddings, bridal showers, baby showers, birthdays, house warming, hosting some more. And if you are feeling the penny pinch, time pinch and rest pinch trust me so are we. I think it is so much easier to say congrats online than to travel, buy a gift and put on a big smile and endure the torture of small talk. But we have done it for our friends and family and people we love and for the good of the future generations.
Discipline: This continues to be a work in progress.
Priorities: It is like telling this girl friend who pings you after 3 months to grab a coffee with you that sorry I can’t meet you as I have a pilates class for exactly that evening slot that your friend has the time to meet you for coffee. I haven’t wrapped my head around this one. Having said that I have met people who have left a dinner table at 8 pm as they have early mornings due to triathlon training, friends that gave up on toxic relationships as they were a hindrance in their career paths. People do things to survive, thrive and prosper. And I find nothing wrong with that.
Less than 4 months to go, I hope it brings about some positive changes. I am so ready for a break in my life.
It’s very lonely. Most battles have to be fought alone. There is help or advice available, but the actions have to be one’s own.
The one thing we have power over is the one power we give away most readily. Next time you eat a french fry I want you to think about it.
I always voiced my concerns about smokers. I am finding that obesity is equally bad. I might have to join a new fight, starting with myself.
A goal without a plan is just a wish. Nothing could be truer in my case. There is so much I want to achieve but I don’t seem to have the appropriate plans. That will change starting now, especially since I caught myself looking at sprint triathlon dates for next year.
I love my family. I detest my family. Enough said.
Happy Thursday y’all!
I signed up for my first ever 5K run. I have never run in my life. I think you along with everyone who knows me knows my disdain for running. It isn’t running I disdain. It is my inability to run. I have masked it all these years but now I am ready to shake that. I am ready to accept my fears and shortcomings and I am ready to face them. In 8 weeks I will be running my first race ever.
As I signed up for it, I thought of you my coach. I thought of all the things you taught me about getting out of my comfort zone, about challenging my body and my mind, about visualizing success and going for it. Most of all about believing in myself.
Last year when I met you, I didn’t ever think I would be swimming, or would hike the Grand Canyon. I was even told I couldn’t get pregnant. Then you came along with your positivity and go getting attitude. I heard of your own struggles and saw how you never gave up. I didn’t see any self pity or self doubt. I saw conviction and determination. It made me realize how trivial some of my problems were and how I could over come them myself.
A 5K isn’t a big deal in the grand scheme of things. It is a big deal to me. The fact that I am thinking about it and have just registered for it, I know what I have just challenged myself to. I think of you, because at another time on another day with different circumstances I think you would have been proud of me. I would have been so happy and excited to tell you all about it.
Unfortunately we no longer share that rapport. I know I messed up, like I tend to with people I love the most. I’m so infamous for ruining my most treasured relationships that even my mother warned me against fighting with you. What is unfortunate is that we didn’t even have a fight. We have just drifted apart. I want to tell you about my running, about my swimming progress, about my school and life in general, like I used to.
But here I am, hoping that you know, for all the doubts and pain and misunderstanding, I miss you terribly my dear coach, my trusted friend.
I saw the opportunity to volunteer for a local community event. It was good time in my life to do something for people who weren’t my family, friends or loved ones. American Cancer Society, Relay for life seemed like a sensible organization to volunteer for. I have been at the medical end of cancer for a while now. We put together facts and tell our patients what we think is their prognosis. Mostly it comes down to delivering bad news. Sometimes we win, most times we don’t. This was an opportunity to work with people who don’t rely on evidence based medicine, but rely on hope and prayers, strength and pure grit.
I have been involved for a few months now as the lead media person maintaining our local relay’s Facebook page and Twitter account. Our event is very small with a handful of committee members. Through volunteering I have met some wonderful people from my community that I have lived in for the last 6 years. I have heard their own cancer survival stories, or stories about loved ones which didn’t end so well. In spite of their loss and suffering these people hang on to hope that perhaps in their lifetime, they will see a cure for cancer.
Being a person of science and from the medical field, facts that I know cloud my own hopes. But the power of faith that these few individuals exhibit at every interaction I make with them, moves me and motivates me like no other.
What I would like most is for you to come join us at our event to cheer our wonderful Relayers who have taken upon themselves to walk for 12 hours fundraising and increasing awareness about the work American Cancer Society does for research, treatment and care for cancer patients and their families.
Thank you for reading until the end. Even if you cannot make it I am happy that you have read through. I am glad I have been able to make your aware of this organization and hopefully in the future you can get involved in your own ways.
Sometimes it take more than money to make a difference!
Filed under Faith, Hope, Life
Ever so often I stop..
To remind myself, there were good days. They ended badly, but there will always be the good.
Ever so often I stop..
To remember all the times we laughed together. The smiles have disappeared but I will always have those laughs we shared.
Ever so often I stop..
To tell myself that you gave me a lot more to live and love for than the pain I feel within.
Ever so often I stop..
To ask myself where did we go wrong. Did it have to turn out this way?
Ever so often I stop..
To wonder if you ever stop to think of me?!