I feel like I am a life time behind on things. Things I wanted to do, I need to achieve. My personal goals, wishes and hopes. I seem to have no motivation. I am worried. I have asked myself at least 3 times today, do I need to call the counselor. I have personally benefited from a session with the counselor, but it wasn’t in ways it was intended to be. I realized then that no one can tell me how to feel. What I feel I feel and I have no control over it. The person I pay a hefty fee to just listen to me, has even less control over my feelings. I realized that if I spoke to myself more than I already do, then maybe I wont be in all the muck I usually find myself in. I need to rationalize my thoughts. Hence thinking about the need to call a counselor is worrisome at best. When exactly and where did I lose my shit?
I am amazed at how perfect everyone’s life looks from the outside. I have had friends tell me they envy my life, marriage, friendships, accomplishments.. the list goes on. I sometimes fall into that trap myself. I find myself envying others. After all people always project the best of themselves. Even though we are all flawed, our relationships are a constant work in progress and we sleep every night along with our insecurities and unfulfilled aspirations. We remain alone in our struggles and fears. I am tired of putting my best self forward all the time. Can I stop being an adult sometimes?
Another week starts. 5 weeks to go until the new year and we can all start pretending the new year will some how be different from the last. Happy Monday y’all.
Filed under A first, Abstract, Always one step behind, Emotions, Environment, Expectations, Experiences, Life, Personal, Society, Thoughts
- I am an Indian (Brown) immigrant in the United States. I have been here for 3 election cycles but I do not have the right to vote yet.
- I have friends both democrat and republican and we have been friends for over 12 years now.
- I have the benefit of not choosing sides, and I have the ability to look at things from an “outsider’s” point of view.
- I have hope for my adopted country.
Well after that disclaimer, I feel we need to talk to one another now more than ever. There was a CNN news piece that people weren’t going to be with their families over thanksgiving this year. That was just disheartening. Doesn’t matter what our political allegiance may be, I don’t think families should be affected by it.
Having said that, I feel we are very deeply affected. When a friend of mine who is a nurse at a hospital I used to intern at, was fervently supportive of Donald Trump, it made me question a few things.
- Did she not really like me as I did take up a position that could have gone to an American white doctor.
- Does she think I should go back to India?
- Does she not care about what the leader of this nation believes in, whether or not he respects women, people of color, considers climate change to be real and really truly cares about the working class.
- Her support of Donald Trump made me wonder what she truly felt about me.
- It made me question the future of our friendship.
I have time and again played back the years of knowing her. She was the only one I confided in about my deepest fears and darkest thoughts. I knew she would get me. At that time she did. I have been deeply troubled about the foundation of our friendship.
I knew I had to stop letting her posts on Facebook stop affecting me. I know heart of hearts, she is the same person she was when we became friends. She and I have grown up together as people and we have had each other’s back when no one else knew that we were crumbling. No politics can take that away from us.
So I decided I am not going to let petty politics change my love for her, my attitude towards her, and if need be I will stop following her on Facebook. What about the rest of the Facebook posts. People justifying their choice of Trump and being okay with “losing friends” over Facebook. What about those that fear or feel angry at people who did chose Trump claiming that they will delete those different from them.
I see a cry for acceptance, fear, desperation. I see the need to talk more, engage more, think more and act more. I already see people getting more involved with their community. I see people voicing themselves a little stronger/louder. I feel a little can go a long way and even though some of us think we are doomed, I see hope. A little adversity always brings out the best in people. Also, Facebook is not a measure of our relationships, people.
With that out in the open, I wish you all a very happy Thanksgiving weekend and a very happy holiday season.
Filed under Advice, Celebration, Communication, Confusion, Conversations, Decisions, Doubts, Emotions, Environment, Expectations, Experiences, Facts, Faith, Fear, focus, Friends, Friendship, Healing, Hope, Issues, Life, Opinion, People, Priorities, Questions., Rants, Resolutions, Society, Thoughts
You know the biggest joke about thanksgiving? “Only people in American will have bloody wars over materialistic things 24 hours after they have said thanks for everything they already have.”
Despite all the commercialization, blood bath and expensive travel that happens this week, Thanksgiving continues to be my favorite American holiday.
You get blessings, kindness and love from the most unexpected places. My father used to tell me that always do good, with no expectations in return. Even if you don’t receive from the same person, God will look out for you and you will receive when the time is right. Just do your thing. I am thankful for that advice now more than ever. Having had a few rough years myself, I have reaffirmed my belief that everyone has their own struggles. Just because we know nothing about them, and people always put up a brave front, doesn’t mean they don’t have struggles of their own. Be nice, it doesn’t take away anything from anyone. I am very grateful for the sound advise.
I am very thankful for my husband. Not only has he loved me despite all odds, he has embraced my family, my friends, along with our craziness. I haven’t changed as a person “just because I got married.” I have changed a great deal because I have grown up as a person, professionally and personally. I continue to be a work in progress, but every time I look into my husband’s eyes- I see his idea of perfection. I am very grateful for his love.
There are people I haven’t met in person, or met very briefly, and yet I am very thankful they are in my life. Some have sent me countless messages of encouragement, love and support while others have given it to me straight. Even though life has tried it’s best to pull me down, it has also showed me just how you bounce back, thanks to these very people. I am very grateful to know, that people who have full lives of their own will take time out for you. Whether it is making you feel special on your birthday, or remind you that there is no place for stress-induced-ruining-of-health. I am very grateful to see them make a place for me, even in their very full hearts.
I am thankful to this blogging space. No matter how much you have been ignored, you are right where I need you to be. I am really glad I have this space to vent /rant /complain /reminisce /pontificate /laugh /ridicule and just be myself. Eleven years and going strong!
Happy Thanksgiving y’all.
Filed under A first, Attitude, Blogging, Bonding, Conversations, Culture, Disappointments, Emotions, Expectations, Food, Friendship, Healing, Health, Inspiration, Life, Living my life, Marriage, Men, Milestones, New York, Pain, partner, People, Personal, Priorities, Relationships, Society, Thoughts
Today is election day in the United States. And of course the world is watching. After Obama, every candidate will fall short. There are very big shoes to fill which is why the choices this year are frustrating. It is a seasoned politician who comes across as your grandma vs the not to young but eccentric outsider as the choice. In the end it doesn’t matter in the US. It is the senate that controls the decisions and unless people chose for their senators sensibly, the president is but a figure head.
My dear citizens of the United States,
Your country is already great. It strives to provide homes, clean water, food, education and opportunities for all. Your government recognizes that healthcare is not a privilege but a right, same sex marriages are legal and has been a melting pot of people from all races, religions and political affiliations.
Yes we have our own problems in this country. It doesn’t make sense, that we lose our sons, brothers, husbands and lovers in another country for someone else’s war. It doesn’t make sense, that an illegal immigrant is given the opportunities we would have hoped to have for ourselves. I respect those concerns.
This election however isn’t about illegal immigrants, or wars. We have inherited these issues and there is no single president/term answer to these concerns. There isn’t a “wall” or “bombing the shit out of” anything that will solve our problems. Do you really want a country where the leader is disrespectful of anyone who isn’t like them? I feel your frustration but that doesn’t mean you vote blindly.
I haven’t lived through many elections in this country. But I have lived enough on this planet to know that voicing your choice is a right we have fought very hard for. So execute your choice. You have a voice, use it. Also use your brain, ask your heart and then put those together to cast your vote.
Climate change is real, same sex people are normal, women can fight in wars. Hell they can do anything. They can even be the president of the United States of America.
Don’t boo, vote!
Global citizen: det-res!
Filed under Attitude, Challenges, Communication, Conversations, Decisions, Expectations, Experiences, Goal, Issues, Manhattan, Milestones, Motivation, Priorities, Thoughts
Last week starting Sunday had to be the best and the worst week for me this year.
Sunday kicked off Diwali celebrations in our new apartment. I wasn’t up to company, celebrations, or even embracing the new place. I am not very good with change. But perhaps change is exactly what we needed.
I love birthdays in general. Mine most of all. EVERYONE should know that. This year has been miserably tough. Every birthday I am reminded that I lost my first baby just a day after my birthday. This year I had hoped my second baby would make it to my birthday so we could have had a fighting chance. That didn’t happen either. I almost didn’t want to live through the day, because I didn’t know if I had it in me to face the potential burst of emotions.
The birthday came despite my denial with a promise that four days later it would be my husband’s. The old man turned 40 this year. I decided to give him a birthday he could feel loved, honored and appreciated for who he is! So I took solace that I had something else to think about.
Last week my husband and I experienced pouring in of love, affection, hugs, phone calls and messages. People came out in numbers to join us in our attempt to celebrate life that exists and forget even if for just a second of the life that didn’t make it. I am touched by the effort our friends made to take time out of their busy schedules to ensure we were made to feel special and loved.
Even though this was a tough week to live by, the universe had other plan for us. With the love we have experienced in the last one week, I feel we are stronger and more prepared for the challenges that lie ahead of us. I got to make my husband feel loved and appreciated and nothing makes me happier than a 40 year old man, feel like a young boy again.
A very happy birthday to both of us! I am ready for the world again🙂
Filed under Birthday, Blogging, Bonding, Camaraderie, Celebration, Challenges, Death, Decisions, Disappointments, Emotions, Experiences, Friends, Healing, Life, Loss, Love, New York, People, Rants, Relationships, Society, Thoughts
Yes I have started using circulating hashtags as my blog post titles. I have absolutely no creative juices flowing. Just life happening to me and happening very fast.
We are moving from our one bedroom apartment to a two bedroom apartment. We had planned this move in time for the baby. We knew our mothers would come visit us once the baby was born and we thought a bigger place would be a good idea. Our baby is long gone but we decided to move anyway. So if any of you need a place to stay in New York city, we have an extra bedroom. Mixed feelings at this time are an understatement. I am doing my best to be excited about the change.
I have committed to writing my master’s thesis in the next 6 weeks. With the move, doctor’s follow-ups, current courses, and new job search, this is an added stress I didn’t need. But I have it and I don’t plan to back down.
My weight loss/health issues are taking a back seat. This bums me out the most but hope to get back on track. If I have learned anything in life, our health/lifestyle is the only thing we have control over. If you are anything like me, then you like that control and you really shouldn’t let go of it.
I have so much buzzing in my head these days. The US election for one, about which I want to write my thoughts on. So much is being said and written about it already, that I don’t want to add to the noise. Then again my thoughts matter so I hope I will. I want to go another vacation before the year ends, get a new job, get the master’s thesis written and get back to baby making plans. More on that another time.
How are all of you doing this Monday evening?
Filed under Challenges, Decisions, Dreams, Emotions, Environment, Expectations, focus, Goal, Healing, Health, Life, Living my life, Milestones, Motivation, Pain, Personal, Plans, Priorities, Resolutions, Society, Thoughts, Travel, Update
We were moving into our current apartment more than six years ago. A Rabi from the Orthodox Hasidic Jewish community passed by our door just as our furniture was being delivered. He popped his head in, offered help and walked away with a big warm smile.
A few weeks later, as I was coming back from work I was greeted by my neighbor, who also happened to be the Rabi’s wife. She asked me if I would be okay to go into their apartment and turn off the cooking range. Being the first time I was amused. Then I made an effort to get to know more about the ways of the Orthodox Jewish community. I read about Shabbat and made sense of the request my neighbor made of me.
Over the last 6 years, we have watched their family grow from 3 children to 7 and I have been asked to turn off the cooking range on countless occasions. More importantly we have become friends during this time. We have spent time chatting with them, exchanging our thoughts on life, religion, politics, travel, our families. They have prayed for us, visited us in the hospital, sent us food. As we have got to know them over the years the fact that they are very different from us in the way they live, practice their religion, raise their children, dress, eat has stopped being a though worth considering.
Last Friday we were invited to our first Shabbat dinner. I don’t know what prompted the invitation. Is it because we are going to move soon, or because we lost our second baby? Whatever their reason might be, we felt like we were with friends. As they navigated us through their rituals my husband and I wondered why didn’t we do this earlier? We have already shared so much over the last 6 years so why did we not share a meal before?
We spent a good two plus hours chatting to our hearts content, eating a sumptuous meal, listening to their children. As we said our good byes, I wondered if we had just said good bye to a family that had become our closest friends.
Filed under A first, Celebration, Communication, Conversations, Decisions, Environment, Experiences, Friends, Friendship, Home, Life, New York, Personal, Priorities, Society, Thoughts