The brain is very fuzzy this morning. Complete lack of clarity does not help when the to do list begs to run out of the page you are trying to jot down the to-do list. I don’t know where to start, where to keep going, where to restart, what to let go and what to prioritize.
Being a student/resident/career woman is tough when married. Technically, I don’t get asked to chose. I am free to do whatever I want. Sometimes I wonder if that only exists on paper. When I chose my family over my work, I often get told that I wasn’t asked anything of. Where in lies the problem. I get no credit for struggling through my own priorities to include what I hold dearest to me. My friends, family, my husband. It is tiresome to be self-less.
School is challenging. One should know that especially if it has been 15 plus years since last school attended. The people you go to school with are so much younger, smarter, quicker with everything. It is annoying to say the least. Just staying awake in class after a whole day of being an adult gets tough at times. I feel a twinge of jealousy when I see young people in the library until 10 pm slogging away on their homework and then going to the nearest pub to blow off steam. I wouldn’t mind doing that at times but then age kicks in. At 10 I would rather be in my bed than at some bar.
A mean selfish streak is essential for survival, I am beginning to realize. Yes better late than never definitely applies to this one writing this blog. When my husband first told me that I have to stop being there for everyone and start prioritizing myself I seriously judged his upbringing. Now, several years down the line as I see people stamp over others and get ahead in life, while I find myself struggling I am beginning to wonder if we are still working with the survival of the fittest phenomenon. Being nice doesn’t get you any place.
On that cheery and happy note, happy hump day all of you peeps. Hope spring is being good to you!
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Personal post about my infertility experience… you have been warned.
There is a very slim chance that we could be pregnant. I never understood why people talked about being pregnant in plural, because only the woman is ever pregnant. Like really what does the man have to do with it? Now having worked at it consciously for the last two years, let’s face it ladies – we don’t get pregnant alone. A partner, friend, chum, husband, sperm donor , sometimes all bundled in one is what it takes to get us there.
In my case, the husband has been not just the voice of reason, an anchor, my support system through some very hormonal days , my friend when I managed to alienate others, my partner in crime, my chaperon at every doctor’s visit, but my man, my love, my life.
So when we were faced with signing consents f0r the potential IVF, I was a little thrown off by what each of thinks is an obvious choice. For e.g. in the event we separate from each other in the next year, my husband thought the fertilized embryos should automatically go to me. Why? Don’t you want them? Or in the event we both died, he thinks the embryos should go to my mom. I wanted to nominated my very single 38 year old friend who I have known for the last 15+ years. I felt like she knows me best and she would be the best person to raise my child, as who else could tell my child about me, like only she knows. I thought it was a mutually beneficial decision. I guess there is practicality and then there is practicality. Also if we were to both die, I don’t really think it matters what would happen to those embryos.
How much can we really plan for right? So here I am eagerly awaiting the next blood test, ready to plunge into the next phase of this journey and wondering how much do I really know anything any more?
Filed under A first, Abstract, Camaraderie, Challenges, conversations, Decisions, Emotions, Environment, Expectations, focus, Inspiration, Issues, Life, Living my life, partner, People, Personal, Plans, Priorities, Relationships, Resolutions, Thoughts, Wishes
If I asked my 23 year old self, I would have said that I have a lot of time, medical science has advanced so much that the biological clock was a matter of old folks tales. There are plenty of stories of women in their 40’s getting pregnant. That holds true now more than then. What no one tells you is the costs of getting pregnant so late in life. I am not even alluding to money. After all, who puts a price tag on a child. The costs are more in terms of time, emotions and physical struggle. By the time a woman is in her 30’s the responsibilities, stress, commitments she has is way more than one anticipates in their 20’s. So here I am into my late 30’s wondering if I would fail in the one superpower I was born with?
The presidential electoral candidates in the United States has me worried. The country being largely divided into two groups it is difficult to agree with all the principles of one party over the other. Each party brings in good ideas with some very bad ones. Of course people vote for the party and not an individual, but don’t individuals matter? Right now all I see is a bunch of clowns. Or has Obama really set the bar that high?
Being the doctor, I am a go to person for a lot of people. I consider it a privilege that people would trust me with their most intimate fears. Come to me for a second opinion, an idea they want to run by, just to voice their concerns, or just use my being a doctor as an excuse to speak with me. When I have my doctor hat on, I am always happy to be of service. So when I get push back on the healthy living articles I forward to family and friends, or when people tell me to “chill” when I remind them that they should get their yearly medical check-ups, I am left wondering at the irony at the situation.
Please don’t kill my blog. I appreciate the fact that there are people who read my blog. Some of you that do, reached out to me via emails/texts/instagram asking me if I was okay based on my last post. However well meaning you were, I really would have preferred comments here which is why I didn’t encourage conversations on other mediums. I write a post, to generate conversation here. If I wanted to reach out to you in person, I would have. Imagine how many more people we could have reached if we talked about things here. Blogging begets comments on blog. A blogger can hope.
On the most positive note, I was invited to join the swimming master’s class this week. I have been wanting to get to that level for a while now, but don’t think I am ready. My old swim coach mentioned that he will work at my level and get me to speed. I cannot wait. Needless to say I am excited like a school girl and giddy with happiness at the prospect of working with my old coach after 18 months.
What is making you excited and happy or sad and confused? Have a great weekend you all.
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Wow 22 days since my last post. So much has happened, needless to say. Time flies when you are having fun they say, or when life takes such a turn that you want to bury your head in a deep hole and never come out of it. I am not liking being an adult. This phase has been tough to put it mildly. I almost had a nervous breakdown last week. A very new feeling for me. I used to think nervous breakdowns were an urban myth. Then I survived it. Or perhaps I have become adept at faking it, till I make it. To overcome the feeling of impending doom, I decided to shut down completely; help reset the brain. No phone calls, messages, social media, well meaning friends, not so well meaning family, husband, neighbor, you get the idea. Suddenly, like the coming on of a light bulb I felt like there was no point in all the stress I was taking on. So what that I am jobless, with a master’s loan looming on my head, my husband might lose his job this week, we are struggling emotionally and physically due to lack of a baby, need to work on my master’s thesis, mothers are being mothers, cousins have failing kidneys, closest friend is now a recovering alcoholic and our adopted friends are really getting onto our nerves. Really when you lay it out like that, it is just another weekday! No biggie!
Filed under Always one step behind, Bonding, Challenges, Communication, conversations, Disappointments, Emotions, Expectations, Experiences, Friends, Health, Issues, Life, People, Personal, Pregnancy, Priorities, Rants, Relationships, Sad, Society, Thoughts
Today is going to be a tough day. Let me rephrase, there will be a few minutes today that will be tough to live through. I cannot pin point why I have this feeling of impending doom. I have thought about this , discussed the pros and cons several times in my head, and with my husband. I know I am doing the right thing and yet I have butterflies doing the nervous tap dance in my belly.
Passion and determination only take you so far. At some point reality needs to be accepted. Practicality needs to take over and ‘moving on’ needs to be done.
Why do 80 year olds in this country work? A part of me loves the fact that this country provides an opportunity for a 80 year old to keep a self respecting job. I love the fact that 80 year olds are healthy enough to go to work. On the flip side I wonder why are 80 year olds still working? Did they not save, invest? Do they not have family that could support them? What motivates them to do this?
Politics is tricky. No one discusses their political beliefs. It isn’t considered a topic to be talked about in public. Friendships are broken, relationships are lost and animosity is bred all over the political belief one has. Perhaps it is time to change that. Perhaps it is time to talk about our beliefs, our collective frustrations. It doesn’t matter what party you support, we all have the same concerns for ourselves and fear for our future generations. It is okay to say you are worried because your faith in your own party is wavering. At this time, people of all parties feel the same.
Filed under Abstract, Camaraderie, Career, Challenges, Communication, Confusion, Disappointments, Emotions, Experiences, Fears, Friends, Hope, Issues, Life, Milestones, Opinion, Philosophy, Priorities, Resolutions, Society, Thoughts
5 things on my mind at the moment.
- I took up a new job. After being only in school and research for 2 years, taking care of patients is like heaven. Nothing makes me happier than a hard day of work at a hospital. On this blog, there have been discussions in the past as to how I could like such a morbid place to work in. I never understood how people could not like hospitals. When a patient is at their worst, vulnerable self, they reach out to professionals that can help then. Those professionals reside in a hospital/clinic/ER. All morbid places I suppose. I can see why people don’t like them. It probably invokes fear of the vulnerability and helplessness. Bad things happen in places that hopes to do good, because remember a hospital is the last place for hope. Which I why I love my job. I feel that my mind is tuned to step it up when all else has failed. I am a part of the system that gives people hope. I am part of the process that helps people feel less helpless, less vulnerable, less pain and better. Or at least that is always the hope.
- That is the only thing I like about the new job. I am not happy about the long commute. People I work with want to be helpful and accommodating but they too are constrained by the system. Well I will try this out for a while longer.
- My exercise plans have gone for a toss, which is why I have had to step up my diet game and stay on point with the 10K daily steps. It occurred to me recently that the 10K daily while a challenge is the minimum recommend number of daily steps. So for me to bring about a change in my body I need to do much more than that. I am working on a plan of fitting that in.
- Long commutes makes for time to read. I have read Room, am reading The palace of illusions and have 2 more books on the way. I am very excited about being able to pick up reading. An art I thought I had lost forever.
- Which brings me to the bloggers that I hold responsible for this new found inspiration to read. A chapter in time, and In search of the Colloquial. Cannot thank them enough.
Filed under Blogging, Camaraderie, Challenges, Determination, Emotions, Environment, Experiences, Health, Life, Living my life, People, Thoughts, Update
I don’t know when I started to think about the environment around me, but as long as I can remember I have always been very conscious about it. Switching off lights in a room when not in use, closing the tap when brushing my teeth, choosing a shower over a bath to conserve water, only take as much as I will eat to avoid food wastage are just some of the principles I have lived by. I have always been very big on recycling and minimalist living.
Part of it could be due to my very modest bringing up. Not only did we not grow up with excess in our lives, but my father was always telling us about children in Africa who didn’t have a decent morsel for most meals. Wasting food was a complete no-no.
I know a lot of people in India didn’t really think much of the raddiwalas, and rag pickers when I was growing up. Having now lived in several countries I have a lot of respect for the huge recycling plant run in India. They aren’t regulated by the government, or mandated by law and yet, they run a business that helps recycle almost anything. The plus side, you get some cash back.
When I lived in UK, each house, building,institution were required by law to put away waste in color coded garbage bins to help recycle kitchen waste, paper, office supplies etc. Much to my horror when I came to the US, I realized that this country was way behind the UK in this department. This is a land of plenty with little regard to what is happening in the rest of the world. With stores like Costco, Sam’s club, constant sales and heightened consumerism, wastage is forced upon its citizens here.
Obviously this set me on over drive and I have done everything to preserve what I learned from my modest bringing up. While it is very difficult to constantly say no, I have in my journey learned that I am not alone. On the surface it may seem that this country does not care, but this country if full of very concerned citizens. I feel that is just the way every country functions. It all boils down to the citizens and their will. So I was thrilled when I got to know about Big Reuse. I use it only to recycle food scraps as the place we live in already expects its residents to recycle, plastic, glass, paper etc.
The past few weeks have been the most educational and rewarding. One of my resolutions this year was to continue and increase recycling.. The fact that I could now avoid adding to the landfill and put my own refuse to some good for the earth has been very satisfying. My first shocker was to realize how much kitchen waste even a very conscientious person like me generates every week. I then noticed how much food actually gets wasted. I still end up filling up a huge box every week. However the weekly account of what we do with our kitchen supplies and waste has helped me streamline my weekly groceries and minimize our waste. I not only feel good about doing something for this earth, I am also saving money.
Do think about what you can do for your environment around you.