It is bloody hard!
Fall has been one of my favorite seasons for the longest time. As the winds get a bit cooler, the leaves change color, and pumpkins spring up everywhere I have always felt the promise of friends, fun, celebrations, food, wine and cake. So many birthdays in fall, would make me so happy.
This year has been different.
As the winds get a bit cooler, the leaves change color, and pumpkins spring up every where I am reminded of the loss I have experienced in my favorite time of the year. It is bloody hard to get excited about life.
Perhaps life wanted to sober me up. Even though I have the ability to get fully excited about fall, I am reminded that many people around me are dealing with terrible life experiences. As you know life happens to everyone.
So while I stand in solidarity with everyone who is also experiencing my struggle, I have decided I stand up tall and enjoy Fall!
Filed under Abstract, Attitude, Bonding, Camaraderie, Celebration, Challenges, Communication, Condolences, Decisions, Determination, Emotions, Experiences, Goal, Hope, Life, Loss, Motivation, Pain, Personal, Priorities, Relationships, Thoughts, Wishes
I was in 8th grade when I first realized I could have a best friend. At that time I didn’t know that I had also found my friend for life. That is not the point of this post. This new person in my life gave me a gift then, that comes in very handy when I feel at my lowest, or when I am most scared or deal with self doubt. Self doubt is a funny thing. No one but you go down the rabbit hole with self doubt. And no one but you can scoop you out of it.
This is not a good week. I won’t get into the details but someone in my position got admitted to the hospital. Anxiety was her diagnosis and it has thrown people around me into a loop. Oh! Damn you guys are stressed! Yes Sherlock Holmes – it is taking every fiber in my body to keep sane. So thank you for realizing what a huge effort I am making.
Do I really need the validation from another person I often ask myself. How many times do I give myself a pat on the back. How often do I validate myself? Do you? So today seems like a good day to make use of the great gift my friend for life from all those years ago gave me. On a very dreary days, she said why don’t you write 50 things you like about yourself. It was tough then. I know I can’t get to 50 but today I would like to list 5. Just to brighten up my day, remind myself that I have worked very hard and that I should be kinder and more generous to me.
- I am a very generous person. Not only with money, but more importantly with time. I will drop anything that I was doing to be there for people when they have needed me. They didn’t even have to be my closest friends. I believe people in your life are your biggest assets.
- I am kind. I consciously work towards lending a sympathetic ear, sharing my life experiences if it could help someone. I try and not judge people, instead I try and understand where they are coming from and then try to help them from within their own constraints
- I don’t give up. Doesn’t matter what is thrown at me, if I put my mind to something, I don’t give up. That has paid off. I walk with my chin high, my heart full of gratitude and sleep well knowing I made the people who care about me the most proud.
- I am hard working. Well you got to be if you are the kind of person who doesn’t give up right? I always used to think I am the laziest person around. I still think I am. I am always looking to find efficiency in everything I do, so I don’t have to work as hard. But nothing replaces hard work. Not even efficiency. I can proudly say I have reached where I have, only because of my hard work.
- I have people in my life that I love, unconditionally. It is not to say that they are perfect or the best thing that anyone could ask for. They are human just like I am. Imperfect and annoying but real. We have had fights, misunderstandings and long periods of silences, said best friend included. But the days when I struggle with self doubt, anxiety takes over my mind and I cannot pull myself out of my self dug out rabbit hole, I think of all the people who never gave up on me, who call me their friend, who don’t stop loving me even on the days I struggle to love myself. To have these people in my life to love and find purpose in my life, I would say is what I love the most about my life.
Filed under A first, Doubts, Emotions, Experiences, Friendship, Life, Living my life, People, Personal, Relationships, Society, Thoughts
Quieter days, shut doors at night. The lost love, doesn’t feel as bad.
Missing are the conversations, hugs and kisses. Those days are long gone.
The sun doesn’t shine as bright, nor does the rain come down hard.
Has autumn made its way already? Is Summer really gone?
Filed under Abstract, Disappointments, Doubts, Emotions, Experiences, Friendship, Life, Loss, Love, Love hurts, Marriage, Pain, partner, People, Personal, Questions., Relationships, Short, Society, Thoughts
Last week starting Sunday had to be the best and the worst week for me this year.
Sunday kicked off Diwali celebrations in our new apartment. I wasn’t up to company, celebrations, or even embracing the new place. I am not very good with change. But perhaps change is exactly what we needed.
I love birthdays in general. Mine most of all. EVERYONE should know that. This year has been miserably tough. Every birthday I am reminded that I lost my first baby just a day after my birthday. This year I had hoped my second baby would make it to my birthday so we could have had a fighting chance. That didn’t happen either. I almost didn’t want to live through the day, because I didn’t know if I had it in me to face the potential burst of emotions.
The birthday came despite my denial with a promise that four days later it would be my husband’s. The old man turned 40 this year. I decided to give him a birthday he could feel loved, honored and appreciated for who he is! So I took solace that I had something else to think about.
Last week my husband and I experienced pouring in of love, affection, hugs, phone calls and messages. People came out in numbers to join us in our attempt to celebrate life that exists and forget even if for just a second of the life that didn’t make it. I am touched by the effort our friends made to take time out of their busy schedules to ensure we were made to feel special and loved.
Even though this was a tough week to live by, the universe had other plan for us. With the love we have experienced in the last one week, I feel we are stronger and more prepared for the challenges that lie ahead of us. I got to make my husband feel loved and appreciated and nothing makes me happier than a 40 year old man, feel like a young boy again.
A very happy birthday to both of us! I am ready for the world again 🙂
Filed under Birthday, Blogging, Bonding, Camaraderie, Celebration, Challenges, Death, Decisions, Disappointments, Emotions, Experiences, Friends, Healing, Life, Loss, Love, New York, People, Rants, Relationships, Society, Thoughts
Yes I have started using circulating hashtags as my blog post titles. I have absolutely no creative juices flowing. Just life happening to me and happening very fast.
We are moving from our one bedroom apartment to a two bedroom apartment. We had planned this move in time for the baby. We knew our mothers would come visit us once the baby was born and we thought a bigger place would be a good idea. Our baby is long gone but we decided to move anyway. So if any of you need a place to stay in New York city, we have an extra bedroom. Mixed feelings at this time are an understatement. I am doing my best to be excited about the change.
I have committed to writing my master’s thesis in the next 6 weeks. With the move, doctor’s follow-ups, current courses, and new job search, this is an added stress I didn’t need. But I have it and I don’t plan to back down.
My weight loss/health issues are taking a back seat. This bums me out the most but hope to get back on track. If I have learned anything in life, our health/lifestyle is the only thing we have control over. If you are anything like me, then you like that control and you really shouldn’t let go of it.
I have so much buzzing in my head these days. The US election for one, about which I want to write my thoughts on. So much is being said and written about it already, that I don’t want to add to the noise. Then again my thoughts matter so I hope I will. I want to go another vacation before the year ends, get a new job, get the master’s thesis written and get back to baby making plans. More on that another time.
How are all of you doing this Monday evening?
Filed under Challenges, Decisions, Dreams, Emotions, Environment, Expectations, focus, Goal, Healing, Health, Life, Living my life, Milestones, Motivation, Pain, Personal, Plans, Priorities, Resolutions, Society, Thoughts, Travel, Update
A Monday is a good time to put some thoughts I think. I have noticed that the busier I am the more regular I am with writing on my blog. To be fair to me, I have had exams, change in course, probably working on a change in career, looking for mentors, traveling, looking for a place to buy, and staying healthy for what lies ahead of us. To say I didn’t have my plate full would be lying.
My husband and I finally went to Europe. After being together for 8 years, we finally went on the much promised/discussed visit to Paris. Will probably write more about that in another post. Friends and family were quick to label our trip many things because now every thing has a name to it. For us, it was just a trip that took long to get on to. My husband and I relived our times in Europe, felt very young and carefree again and loved every minute of being there without having to explain any of our guilty pleasures.
I feel very tired of people around me. I feel scrutinized, judged, commented upon, advised to constantly. I miss the relationships that would just take me for who I am. I miss easy breezy relationships. I no longer feel that people would be happy for my success, or share my happiness just for it. I always seem to get questions, doubts, dark clouds. I am reaching a point where I don’t feel like sharing anything with anyone.
When there are dark clouds all over you, it is hard to stay happy and content and stress free. It is difficult to believe this is a good place to bring in a child. It is difficult to create a small bubble that feels safe and warm and yours. And despite all of it, people will tell you to. My question to them is how?
If you read all this and care to share a kind or encouraging word, or just a hi-five you are most welcome to. And don’t worry. Now that this is out of my system, I am sure life will look up.
Happy Monday, y’all. Here is to upwards and onwards!
Filed under Always one step behind, Blogging, Bonding, Camaraderie, Career, Challenges, Communication, Confusion, Conversations, Culture, Dreams, Emotions, Environment, Expectations, Experiences, Friends, Life, Living my life, Marriage, Men, Motivation, People, Personal, Philosophy, Priorities, Rants, Relationships, Society, Success, Thoughts, Wishes
Only until a few days ago, I had not hit the 30 day mark. I thought I had plenty of time and boom, I am 2 days over. While we didn’t really exchange any words I was here wondering if anyone else had.
Times are confusing. The body, mind and heart wants three very different things. The constant internal struggle is exhausting. Playing it cool, isn’t working in my favor at the moment.
Do the work, people told me. A degree gets you no where. That could be true. Am I hiding from the real world behind academia? I often question myself.
There are days when I am euphoric and I want to scream out to the world. Then there are days that I am worried and scared and my spirits are dampened. The manic depressive states has taken on a brand new meaning in this ones life.
Relationships-are they real, or they belong to a make believe world? There is always a constant flow of people which I thoroughly enjoy. But are there any roots to be laid?
When I look at him, most times I see my best friend, my buddy, sometimes he is just a little boy I love and want to take care of. Then there are days I rest my head on his shoulders feeling loved, cared for, safe and grounded.
“Life is either a daring adventure or nothing at all” – Hellen Keller.
Life continues to be a wonderful challenge. How have you been?
Filed under Abstract, Blogging, Bonding, Camaraderie, Challenges, Communication, Emotions, Expectations, Experiences, Facts, Fears, Hope, Life, People, Personal, Plans, Relationships, Thoughts, Wishes