It is bloody hard!
Fall has been one of my favorite seasons for the longest time. As the winds get a bit cooler, the leaves change color, and pumpkins spring up everywhere I have always felt the promise of friends, fun, celebrations, food, wine and cake. So many birthdays in fall, would make me so happy.
This year has been different.
As the winds get a bit cooler, the leaves change color, and pumpkins spring up every where I am reminded of the loss I have experienced in my favorite time of the year. It is bloody hard to get excited about life.
Perhaps life wanted to sober me up. Even though I have the ability to get fully excited about fall, I am reminded that many people around me are dealing with terrible life experiences. As you know life happens to everyone.
So while I stand in solidarity with everyone who is also experiencing my struggle, I have decided I stand up tall and enjoy Fall!
Filed under Abstract, Attitude, Bonding, Camaraderie, Celebration, Challenges, Communication, Condolences, Decisions, Determination, Emotions, Experiences, Goal, Hope, Life, Loss, Motivation, Pain, Personal, Priorities, Relationships, Thoughts, Wishes
Quieter days, shut doors at night. The lost love, doesn’t feel as bad.
Missing are the conversations, hugs and kisses. Those days are long gone.
The sun doesn’t shine as bright, nor does the rain come down hard.
Has autumn made its way already? Is Summer really gone?
Filed under Abstract, Disappointments, Doubts, Emotions, Experiences, Friendship, Life, Loss, Love, Love hurts, Marriage, Pain, partner, People, Personal, Questions., Relationships, Short, Society, Thoughts
There is always an internal struggle. The need to be loved and accepted versus the need to be right and righteous. More often than not the need to be loved empowers even the strongest of people. The grief of letting go of your principles hurts no less.
What does one do when one of the most sacred of relationships has no substance in it. The kind of relationship that poets have defended, novelists have written pages upon and those that are even backed by science. It is supposed to be the one relationship one can take for granted and rely upon all your life. What if that relationship never existed.
Resistance is a show of defiance, strength even. At times however, completely letting go, takes away the power from the other person. If you don’t react to abuse, the abuser has no power left over you. Sometimes and really only sometimes, show no resistance. They cannot push or pull you against anything.
What defines a good relationship? Loyalty? Unconditional love? Being blind to the other’s failings. Should they be blind to ours? Is it possible to be honest in our relationships any more? Are the little white lies the only true foundation of most relationships?
Pray do tell…
Filed under Abstract, Camaraderie, Communication, Disappointments, Life, Living my life, Pain, People, Personal, Philosophy, Questions., Rants, Relationships, Society, Thoughts
I could have been getting hugs and kisses and love and perhaps a handmade card and a nice little jewelry box from my husband. Today I could be celebrating mother’s day with two of my children. An older boy who would have just turned 2 and a younger daughter who would be barely 5 months. There could have been picture taken that we would have held dear for all of our lives. I would perhaps be very tired from nursing my new born and have my mom cook me my favorite meal. We would have celebrated this day together.
But that wasn’t meant to be. I have a certain ache in my heart thinking of the could be, would be and perhaps. Life has other plans I tell myself today. The mind wanders to orphaned children in this world. How their heart aches to get love and mine to give. I think of all the unwanted/unplanned pregnancies. Mothers who neglected and abused their children make me angry. I am not alone, I remind myself. There are many who want to have children and cannot or who got pregnant but lost their babies. I don’t particularly care for women who are undecided. Right now that is making me angry too.
I don’t want to be an unreasonable or angry person. So I call my mom. She always puts life into perspective and reminds me that I am more than my loss and suffering. I am not sure if I should wish her today. She doesn’t subscribe to these days. She calls them Hallmark days (Hallmark makes money off these days). I wish her anyway. She thanks me and immediately asks me about my graduation ceremony last week. I sense her pride as I tell her about my walk and the high praise my professors bestowed upon me. She asks me about my thesis and my future plans. She wants to buy me a graduation present. She is adamant. She says “her baby” deserves it.
For a moment I forget my pain and I think of what to ask. In that moment I realize how truly blessed I am. I have a mother who loves me and supports me and thinks the world of me. I have the best role model in my mother not only as a human being but professionally. I have experienced unconditional love and undying support. I have seen her be the pillar of strength and hold my family together. I have an anchor in her, not many can boast of. I don’t think anything can surpass such a unique gift all wrapped into one.
I tell her I have her and that is all I’ll ever need. Thank you and Happy Mother’s day mom!
Filed under Culture, Death, Disappointments, Emotions, Experiences, Life, Loss, Love, musings, Pain, Personal, Relationships, Sad
Your message made me really sad. Just like our last conversation on the phone did. I never had the liberty to develop any feelings for you as I knew about R even before you told me about her (Curtesy PS). As much as I enjoyed talking to you then and felt the warmth of your affection, I was always aware that you were spoken for. Yet the rude shock of being discarded as a nuisance was hurtful.( You said now that you are married, it wouldn’t be right by your wife for us to continue talking). Apart from our spoiled rice fiasco in your dorm room, nothing transpired between us that I could hold onto. Instead I felt a certain distance from you which I had come to respect. That day in London remains a heartwarming memory, and always brings a smile to my face. I want to hold onto that memory. While I applaud your effort at honesty, I think what makes me sad is that you allowed yourself to be selfish then and you are being selfish now. It was about you and doing the right by R then, it’s about your pain now. It doesn’t feel like I feature any where in your thoughts/considerations/decisions. That makes me sad. Even friends don’t treat their friends like that, let alone someone who may once have had a kind of love for someone that could be painful.
I don’t know if this is good bye yet, but do forgive me the day that it is.
Filed under Communication, Conversations, Decisions, Disappointments, Emotions, Experiences, Friends, Life, Loss, Love hurts, Pain, People, Personal, Rants, Relationships, Sad, Thoughts
I called it friendship. You called it a favor. We both knew it was much more. Only you knew it was wrong. I took my heartbreak and left. It wasn’t forever as you have come back into my life. Only to break my heart again.
Filed under Conversations, Disappointments, Emotions, Friendship, Hope, Life, Love hurts, Men, Pain, People, Personal, Relationships, Sad, Short, Society, Thoughts
And we lose yet another family member. Of the three son-in-laws my grandfather had, none remain. I was particularly close to this one. Even called him papa at one time. His departure hits very close to home for more reasons than one. His wife was like a mother to my mother more than a sister. He never shied away from his own imposed responsibility even though she left us so many years ago. I truly hope he has joined his wife and are now giving my father great company. He was rather fond of them.
If for a minute people could let their egos aside, so much can be achieved. Working in a small, confined, secure group felt like the perfect place to get some good done! But that is not to be. We spend more time pacifying egos and catering to imaginary hierarchy than actually forging ahead with great ideas and hopeful hearts.
My father had the unique ability to always see the best in every situation. While I have struggled to see anything good in our current situation, I finally see the light. I see people coming together for a common cause. I see women standing up for other women. I see people being alert, taking responsibility and having a voice. And I see hope. How can I not, when people are coming together in this divided world, even if it is because of all the wrong reasons!
Filed under A first, Challenges, Decisions, Emotions, Environment, Hope, Life, Loss, Pain, People, Personal, Sad, Society, Thoughts