An unusual text message. Unlikely person to send it. Unlikely time to get it. Something had to be wrong. It was. I lost a part of my childhood instantaneously. I lost my mind, had my heart broken and my soul shattered. The one person I know I can always turn to, didn’t seem like the one I should turn to. Despair, pain, and loss of my footing is an unknown and uncomfortable place to be. Three weeks out now and I am still grappling with this new reality.
An unknown future lies ahead of me. Some of the uncertainty is my own making. Just like grief, some of us deal with stress with the five stages. I have surpassed denial and anger. Current state lies some where between depression and bargaining. Some days I want to give it all up and then other days, I remind myself I wasn’t born to give up. As in Finding Nemo, one just has to keep swimming.
An unlikely friendship could have been nurtured, but as time passes it seems to be very unlikely. There is very little space for disrespect, flakiness, and entitled behavior. Fully aware that it is hard to create bonds of friendship as an adult, I generally keep a high threshold for poor judgement and behavior. Something I have learned in my years of making and keeping good friends, is that if we believe we deserve good quality people in our life, then we don’t need to settle for poor quality relationships. We just have to keep the faith and continue striving for good.
Not all is lost as I start this year on a rather somber and humbling note. I celebrated 9 years with my wonderful husband. We have laughed and cried together through this beautiful life journey. Despite its ups and downs I would go on this exact same journey with this man many many times over. A quote by Ellen DeGeneres perhaps summarizes my relationship a tad bit better, ” To be loved is wonderful, to be understood is profound”
So how has your new year been so far?
Filed under A first, Anniversary, Bonding, Camaraderie, Celebration, Challenges, Communication, Death, Disappointments, Emotions, Experiences, Fears, Life, Loss, Love, Marriage, Milestones, Motivation, Pain, partner, Personal, Priorities, Relationships, Society, Thoughts
For anyone that is worried, this is the storm before the calm. We don’t have control over a lot of things in our life. But the drama has to play out. And that is all that it is. Humans are resilient people. We have faced many atrocities and we have always come out better and stronger. So fear not! We will be okay.
We need to do the best we can. For most part we don’t even do the best we can do for ourselves. So let’s start there. Pay attention to yourself, your health, family, work and things you do for fun. Once you have done that, think about the world you live in. This earth is important. So help it out. Waste less, recycle more. We will be okay.
Take a deep breath. It isn’t over, even if it may feel like that. I tell you again, as I tell myself: We will be okay.
Filed under A first, Advice, Challenges, Determination, Doubts, Environment, Faith, Fears, Issues, Life, Opinion, Society, Thoughts
Being social animals, humans have a need to be liked by everyone. Even when we don’t necessarily like the one, we want to be liked by.
“Social media-friends” isn’t a real concept to me. Either we are friends or we are not.
People are seasonal. That is okay. No need to hold on to toxic, draining relationships just because we want to be on everyone’s “good” list.
It is okay to say “no”. If it is not okay by said friends, time for them to go.
There aren’t any rules, any absolutes. A break from anyone could be exactly what we need.
And you know what, even if you completely let people off from your own life, that is okay too.
With all new beginnings this year, one of my resolutions is to purge (let go) unnecessary people in my life.
More power be to me!
Five things that don’t help when you have just lost a 6 month fetus!
1. Well wishers tip toeing around you. They want to say something “right”. But they have absolutely no clue what to say. There is no right or wrong. We lost a child. Or the potential of being a real person. We lost our dreams and hopes and aspirations. We lost our own potential. It’s like doing everything you could to get a job, you go through 6 rounds of interviews. In your gut you think you got it this time. Why would you get to the 6th round of it wasn’t meant to be. And yet the job goes to another candidate. Nothing against the other candidate. But why not me? So yeah. There is no “right” thing to say. But say something. It’s a freaking huge loss. Don’t hide behind political correctness.
2. People telling you, it wasn’t meant to be. Something better is in store for you. This I feel is the worst. This is probably the most true, but it’s also the worst thing to tell a would be mother. It seems like getting pregnant isn’t what it used to be. You know two people have awkward sex at the back of the car and wham! Positive test. It takes months and years of trying, doctors visits, medical treatments, artificial insemination/fertilizations yada-yaad-ya. And even then there are no guarantees. Then the ensuing pregnancy related issues of nausea, taste changes, gi upsets, mood swings, etc etc. Accompanied by doctors visits, injections, tests and more tests. When finally things settle and you start to feel the slightest hint of life inside -those sweet kicks. Then to lose a child. You got to be freaking kidding me. Something better??? Why wasn’t this it? I was so ready to put it all behind me.
3. Everyone around you seems to be getting pregnant and having healthy babies. How does that happen??? Why didn’t I get my success story? Some of my friends are having their second child. When they want that child- like on demand. And here it took me 16 months to get pregnant that too with help. I want to know what they are doing differently.
4. Your mom comes to your rescue. I’m sure women like their mums to be around. The whole mother-daughter relationship, understanding, bonds of love, etc. I don’t particularly relate to that. I have a pretty kickass mom. She was on a 15 hour flight to the US within 4 hours of being told, that I was taken to the hospital. She felt rightly so that we would need her. And we do. Just to have another human being, the most well meaning, caring, fabulous cook of an awesome person that she is. However, she insists on daily massages, an agarbatti to the gods, three meals, cheerful conversations and ice cream after every meal. I feel like I need to indulge in her before she loses her shit. She is barely holding it together being brave and strong for her daughter. But I see the pain she feels for her little girl in her eyes.
5. Having the best husband/ partner in life. If the man you lost a baby with was a bit of a scumbag, then you could throw a tantrum, stay in a bad mood, eat what you wanted to and shut him out of your life. Just to make sense of what life threw at you. But when you see relief intermixed with fear in the eyes of your man as you get wheeled out of the OR, feeling empty and defeated rather than pain and disappointment, you can’t push your rock away. You want to hold them and grieve your loss together. Sometimes you just don’t know how. We make promises of staying strong together. We tell each other we love each other. We promise we won’t give up. We hope to learn and grow from this experience. We will. Yet I know we both are struggling with the pain we each feel our ourselves and for each other.
Filed under Advice, Attitude, Camaraderie, Challenges, Communication, Condolences, Conversations, Culture, Death, Disappointments, Dreams, Emotions, Environment, Expectations, Experiences, Faith, Fears, Healing, Life, Loss, Love, Love hurts, Marriage, Pain, partner, People, Personal, Rants, Relationships, Society, Thoughts, Update, Wishes
First day of the 8th month of 2016! Below is where I am with my plans. Everything in bold is already done and dusted. Those in italics are a work in progress. Life has changed, plans have changed accordingly.
More important than the list that is only pertinent to my life is that life happens and just keeps happening. Plans are just plans. Something work out and other things stop being a priority. I like plans. They keep me on point. They remind me of all the things I have always wanted to do or considered important enough for me at some point to be done.
But that’s not how life turns out. I think it has been the most humbling experience of my life. Nothing has really worked out the way I have planned it. There came a time when I even stopped planning and there in lays the problem. I’ve learned that no plan is a sure path to failure. So that changed thanks to this list.
- Drink more water, 10K steps daily at a minimum
- Read the newspaper daily, not monthly
- Complete Master’s thesis – converted to PhD in Clinical Service
- Complete all pending research papers
- Write at least one paper every 3 months- working on several projects
- Network on a daily basis
- Get a better job- daily work in progress
- Log in a daily thought- daily work in progress
- Learn to bake bread, try new recipes, try new cuisines
- Meal prep weekly, weigh my food, log food, water and exercise diligently
- Weight training, swimming, yoga to be incorporated in weekly routines
- Read articles, books that don’t include school work, research articles, and news.
- Blog/Instagram/ Write reviews regularly. Make a schedule and stick with it.
- Sort out pending paper work from last year
- Continue and increase recycling- remember almost everything can be recycled
- Continue and do better with minimalistic living
- Let go of people, places, ideas and thoughts that don’t want to stay
- Remember that money saved is money earned
- Invest in property
- Travel to a destination outside of the US- Europe 🙂
- Learn Spanish-this is the year
*Joey from F.R.I.E.N.D.S way of saying hello..:)
Filed under Blogging, Camaraderie, Challenges, Communication, Culture, Decisions, Determination, Disappointments, Environment, Expectations, Faith, Fears, focus, Friends, Goal, Health, Hope, Issues, Living my life, Love, Milestones, Motivation, Personal, Relationships, Society, Success, Thoughts, Wishes
Only until a few days ago, I had not hit the 30 day mark. I thought I had plenty of time and boom, I am 2 days over. While we didn’t really exchange any words I was here wondering if anyone else had.
Times are confusing. The body, mind and heart wants three very different things. The constant internal struggle is exhausting. Playing it cool, isn’t working in my favor at the moment.
Do the work, people told me. A degree gets you no where. That could be true. Am I hiding from the real world behind academia? I often question myself.
There are days when I am euphoric and I want to scream out to the world. Then there are days that I am worried and scared and my spirits are dampened. The manic depressive states has taken on a brand new meaning in this ones life.
Relationships-are they real, or they belong to a make believe world? There is always a constant flow of people which I thoroughly enjoy. But are there any roots to be laid?
When I look at him, most times I see my best friend, my buddy, sometimes he is just a little boy I love and want to take care of. Then there are days I rest my head on his shoulders feeling loved, cared for, safe and grounded.
“Life is either a daring adventure or nothing at all” – Hellen Keller.
Life continues to be a wonderful challenge. How have you been?
Filed under Abstract, Blogging, Bonding, Camaraderie, Challenges, Communication, Emotions, Expectations, Experiences, Facts, Fears, Hope, Life, People, Personal, Plans, Relationships, Thoughts, Wishes
Today is going to be a tough day. Let me rephrase, there will be a few minutes today that will be tough to live through. I cannot pin point why I have this feeling of impending doom. I have thought about this , discussed the pros and cons several times in my head, and with my husband. I know I am doing the right thing and yet I have butterflies doing the nervous tap dance in my belly.
Passion and determination only take you so far. At some point reality needs to be accepted. Practicality needs to take over and ‘moving on’ needs to be done.
Why do 80 year olds in this country work? A part of me loves the fact that this country provides an opportunity for a 80 year old to keep a self respecting job. I love the fact that 80 year olds are healthy enough to go to work. On the flip side I wonder why are 80 year olds still working? Did they not save, invest? Do they not have family that could support them? What motivates them to do this?
Politics is tricky. No one discusses their political beliefs. It isn’t considered a topic to be talked about in public. Friendships are broken, relationships are lost and animosity is bred all over the political belief one has. Perhaps it is time to change that. Perhaps it is time to talk about our beliefs, our collective frustrations. It doesn’t matter what party you support, we all have the same concerns for ourselves and fear for our future generations. It is okay to say you are worried because your faith in your own party is wavering. At this time, people of all parties feel the same.
Filed under Abstract, Camaraderie, Career, Challenges, Communication, Confusion, Disappointments, Emotions, Experiences, Fears, Friends, Hope, Issues, Life, Milestones, Opinion, Philosophy, Priorities, Resolutions, Society, Thoughts