Thought pourri

I started a thought-pourri post  several times in the past. I’ve lost my train of thoughts. I have lost the ability to think in full sentences. I have lost the ability to remember. I seem to have lost the ability to write. But here I am. Of all the things I have lost, I don’t want to lose you.

Came across a photo on Facebook. Took me down a memory lane, I didn’t really want to travel. Brought back memories of a happy time that went horribly wrong. For me. Reminded me of how foolish I had been. Reminded me I am still pretty much the same emotional fool. I just have to learn to make smarter choices.

I am at that point again. I am not going to let self doubt cripple me. I have used that as an excuse before. I feel like I have. There is no reason. There is only battles to be fought, and wars to be won. Even if the wars are within my own head. What needs to be done, has to be done.

There is another in my life I feel responsible for. That instinct comes up at some point in every woman’s life. I want to believe. I often think of the child I have not yet conceived. I think of the unborn and my responsibilities towards this child I hope to have one day. But will I have this child? That is a discussion for yet another blog post.

For now, I am going to go get pretty and meet some friends for brunch. Yes that is what I do when I am having a I-hate-life-its-so-shitty-day!

Thought-pourri

I have this acute sense of impending loss. Not having loved anyone as much as I love you, I realize that I could lose you at anytime anywhere with no control over the circumstances. It is scary but also gratifying. I have someone in my life that keeps me very grounded.

Winning is beautiful. It’s been a while since I have had this feeling. It has been a while since I made my life and achievements a priority. Then to come out of that decision a winner makes all the changes worth it. I am glad I can finally show people I wasn’t kidding about my intentions.

It is interesting to see how the perspectives change with different experience. Only a few years ago I would have said the same thing I have heard some people speak these days. I am left smiling when I realize what a long way I have come from there.

I am done with another relationship. I used to think every relationship serves a purpose and it was okay, if that relationship only existed when that purpose needed to be served. No more. I want people in my life who want to be in it,not need to be in it. I don’t need the strain or the thought. I am happy to let things be, let go of expectations. I am not going to let anyone else disappoint me anymore.

 

 

 

 

So far..so beautiful

When I decided to get married, I knew married life would not be perfect. I knew it would be a work in progress for the rest of my life. I knew there would be days when I would want you out of my hair and you would feel the same way. I knew some days I would want to be 25 again, have a drunken Friday night with my girlfriends and not worry about being married. I would want to feel the freedom I have felt before. I had more questions and doubts.

I got married anyway. Something felt right.. Somehow I felt, no matter how hard it got at times, the good times we would share, would make it all worth it in the end.

4 years and some today.. I haven’t been happier. I haven’t slept better. I haven’t felt this loved and cared for. I haven’t known what freedom really meant until I met you. You are the best thing that ever happened to me.

Happy Anniversary dear!

Thought-pourri

I’m unscathed, yet I feel shattered. It isn’t the physical discomforts that get to you. It is the fear and insecurity and feeling of helplessness. I stayed warm all night next to my beloved for which I am grateful. My thoughts kept drifting to patients that needed care and couldn’t get any. I felt the pain of those parents that battled lack of water and electricity while trying to keep their newborn warm, well fed and safe. I even thought of the homeless man I passed by every Sunday when I used to travel for work. I kept wondering where would he find shelter in the rain and wind.

Why do we hang on to thoughts, beliefs, things,people even though they do nothing for us,sometimes even be bad for us. We are so obsessed by how letting go would be a reflection of our failures in relationships, or as a person that we forget sometimes it takes a lot more strength to let go.

It is so good to see happy people around us. Deep down I know they too struggle with their battles. They have chosen to be happy in spite of their circumstances. I salute such people.

My birthday is coming up. Generally I feel very up beat about. I remind my close friends and time phone calls so I don’t miss any. I make such a big deal about it, that people around me end up making a big deal about it. This year feels very different. I don’t know one person who would genuinely care.  Where did all those people go away?

Out of the comfort zone

Life passes by so quick, so many times we don’t even realize the challenges we face each day. They just become a way of life. We justify them as part of growing up. What do you do, when you have to make conscious decisions each day about the person you are, the values you hold, the person you want to become.

Life throws us a curve ball so many times. Sometimes it is the lack of a dream job, death of a parent, failure at a life altering exam. You grapple with what is left behind but you make it through. Most of us have no choice. Some of us may have the luxury of time. Most of us don’t.

So how do you remind yourself, that this too shall pass. It is disconcerting to be out of our comfort zone. Some decisions need to be made. But do you find yourself in a place, where you don’t know if the decision you are about to make is the right one. Especially when you have no one to ask for validation.

Such crossroads are tricky. Tread carefully. Go with your gut. Do what you think is right. Be strong. Be determined and see your plan all the way through. Do what it takes to get back to your comfort zone.

Dang it- rant ahead

I’ve lost all my feeds. Feeds I had been collecting since for over 6 years. Some of you don’t even write anymore but I used to hold on to the hope that some day you will write again.

No one congratulated me on writing up 500 posts. I am guessing no one is really reading my posts any more.

It is 9/11.. Makes it somber no matter how hard you try.

There is a conspiracy against me. The universe is not shaping up the way I would have liked it to.

 

 

About a card..

I managed to bully a card out of my husband. I just wanted a letter/card/communication via the mail box. No one sends written notes anymore and I have missed human connection via mail. So I bullied my husband. He does not get me cards regularly anyway, so I thought a card from him would serve all purposes.

It took him a while, but what came across is so much more than what spoken words could have ever expressed. He has often wondered why I insist on a card/letter. Apart form the fact that they are rare from him, I want to see him make an effort. Not for lack of any effort on his part for this marriage, but there is something magical about picking the right card.

Some may argue about the point of poor quality overpriced paper folded in half with somebody else’s words on it. They barely ever resonate with our own thoughts. Either they are too much, too little, or completely off base. But it isn’t about those words or about an overpriced paper folded in half.

It is about the process. It is about the effort it takes to find a card that reflects our feelings. It gets harder when the person the card is intended for, knows you so well, that you cannot really be off base. Believe it or not, cards are far more tricky than you think they are.

In the end, a happy face, a smile, a hug is completely worth the effort. So make it, go ahead send someone a card you mean..

Conflicts in my head

How did I reach my mid-thirties and have no clue which party I would vote for, if I was given the chance. When I was in India, as per my understanding I knew the political party and the ideals I believed in. I knew I had to take things with a pinch of salt, but I felt sure of what I wanted with the politicians I put into power. Here in the US, I am so conflicted. As a woman I am appalled by what the republicans have said publicly, during their campaigns or what their core religious beliefs are. As a potential immigrant I deal with the uncertainty of the Democratic party and their immigration reforms. As the wife of banker I want Republicans in power as they promote business and the Wall street. How do I get a little of both? But then again it isn’t about me, it is about this country and what is the best for it’s citizens? But don’t I factor in? Am I not important? And if I am, I am confident there are others that feel as conflicted as I do..

If I was going to be honest…

I wouldn’t trade my husband for the world. He does not bring to the plate the many things I wanted in a man I wanted to marry. What he does bring though are things I didn’t even know existed.

I am grateful for everything that happened last year, the way it did. When I see the possible alternatives, I believe god was kind.

I don’t have the patience for fake people anymore. You may not be fake, but you haven’t given me reason to believe the contrary.

My friends disappoint me everyday in so many ways, but I wont let them go. I know they haven’t let me go in spite of similar feelings towards me.

I have a new found respect for my mother. She has shown strength, courage and character I can only hope to have some day.

The more people want to break me the stronger I become. It isn’t personal when they attack me, that is just the nature of the game we play.

Shrewd is my latest new trait. I continue to grow.

 

Milestones..

I am hiding. This time from myself. I hate those I told you so moments. I have strived, but not been there in so long that I don’t know what it is like to be in a place you have always wanted to be. I am in a place I always wanted to be in. I have also come so far that I no longer can do things I should have done hmm let’s say 10 years ago. I feel pretty screwed right now. Pardon my French…

So I am hiding. Here of all the places. How can I not? 500 posts, 5,290 comments and 51,250 hits on this page later this is definitely a safe haven. Now that stress will mount will I find myself here more often.Perhaps. I know that is the state of mind when this blog prospered.I mean I posted regularly. Perhaps this blog will see me more often. For now I celebrate this milestone.

So I celebrate, knowing too well that I have so much more to do. In such little time. I don’t have a plan. All the plans I have made in the past have not panned out too well for me. So I know I have the potential to fail. That is familiar grounds. I am worried that I won’t know how to succeed? I dream. I dream big. Question is do I know how to live my dream.

Success is a state of mind I am beginning to realize. Success doesn’t come to you unless you believe in it. Only when you believe in it you do things that ensure you continue to succeed. Even when you stumble it is the right attitude that keeps you going. But if we have not really succeeded before, will we have the right attitude? Will we know what that attitude should be? That is something I fear.

Odd the kind of fears I have, some have said. I believe though it is the frame of mind and not just what you do that helps you achieve those milestones.