A few years ago Air-India celebrated it’s 75th anniversary of being operational as a national carrier. My father had worked for this company his entire life, some 34 plus years. What my family and I felt for this company, or the loyalty we have cannot really be put into words. For me, it was our lifeline. The airline made my education, my childhood travel experiences and my identity possible. For me, it has been second home, in so many ways. So I wrote a post about it, to congratulate the company and to express the pride I felt. But took it down because I didn’t want harmless criticism or the comments from people who haven’t been Air-Indians. Sorry, but you know nothing about being one, unless you have been one.
A very good friend and fellow-blogger, caught my post in the 30 seconds it was up. He understood why I had taken it down, but recommended I should not let people’s opinions make me shy of my own. It was great advice and I wanted to put up the post but for the life of me I couldn’t find it. I have regretted that one.
It has been over three years that I have flown Air-India and a long distance flight at that. Right from the familiar beautiful Indian faces, to the vibrant colors, the 23 possible Indian languages one can hear in a single long-distance flight, from new-borns to almost in the grave uncles/aunties, from the fantastic collection of Indian movies to the wonderful co-passenger who completely identifies with your sentiments of living abroad and cannot wait to be back home. Last but not least, the wonderful Indian meals that give you the slightest hint of what awaits you on your trip back home.
Oh Air-India you take me back home every single time.
This is the last weekend in this city I call home, for the rest of this year. I then go to my other home. A place I have always called home but not lived in for the last 16 years. Even the place I call home has changed. I think home is no longer a real place. It is a feeling.
Since I haven’t gone back in 3.5 years, I know a lot would have changed. People, places have all enjoyed their time and moved on. Every time I have gone back, a part of my childhood is erased. I used to feel cheated, but I now realize that change is imperative.
We adapt. That is what the human race does, otherwise this race would have vanished a long time ago. I am already noticing a difference in people. I cannot tell if I don’t like the changes because I wished a part of my childhood could remain the same, or because I haven’t been given the opportunity to adapt to the changes. Either way an open mind and heart might make the transition a very happy process.
There are professional/ personal commitments to take care of before I leave. I wished I had more days than I have and it could be Tuesday already. I don’t want to struggle through all of it, but I will. I am confident I will be happy at the end of it.
Here is wishing you all a very happy Friday and weekend. My next entry is probably going to be from back home! :)
Filed under Blogging, Bonding, Camaraderie, Communication, Decisions, Disappointments, Emotions, Environment, Expectations, Experiences, Faith, Friends, Life, Pain, People, Personal, Philosophy, Pregnancy, Thoughts
I always have something to say. Since I don’t really know how to ask, I say thanks. That I know how to do. I am grateful for all the blessings I have received. I am fully aware of them. I don’t ask.
I haven’t felt this numb in a long time. I didn’t have thanks to say, I didn’t have questions. I couldn’t remember the people I always think of. I felt blank. Until I didn’t. I cried.
There has been a lot of crying the past few days. Some I can explain, a lot I cannot. So I let it be. I let the tears flow. Hoping that would help communicate what I feel.
I feel cheated. My faith is being challenged. I believed the unsaid can be heard. I haven’t seen that happen in a while and all I now feel is angry. Empty even.
In the what is considered a safe haven, I feel alone and empty and angry, but most of all I feel challenged.
Filed under Abstract, Blogging, Bonding, Camaraderie, Communication, Disappointments, Emotions, Faith, Issues, Life, Loss, Love, Pain, Personal
Or should it be the other way around? The past few days have been very contemplative. I have been contemplative. I have thought of things I would never have. Reached out to people I normally wouldn’t and sought solace in places I was very angry with. All in all, I cannot explain my mind and my actions.
It has been very humbling to realize that my scientific brain may not find the answers it seeks. As a friend rightly explained, medical science cannot explain or test for the things it doesn’t know. We don’t know so much. Explains why my nurse apologized for the medical fraternity as soon as she entered my room. I was almost offended as I have a lot of faith in my science. Now 10 days later I understand what she was apologizing for. Medical science has barely touched the surface. Not much to speak home about eh?
Science does not explain our faith. Be it in god or our science or whatever else we believe in. I want to believe (that too very strongly) that I will find the answers. So I can do something about it. People around me tell me to keep my faith in god. Don’t look for answers, trust his better judgement. Well right now that is a little hard to do. I have also been told to trust my own body. It knows what is right. Well if it did then how come so many of us get cancer, or experience unexplained catastrophes.
Something is obviously not right or aligned. And yet the human race persists. The tenacity we show in accepting and moving on is mind numbing sometimes. Is that a mere defense mechanism? Are we in denial? Or is it really best to let go?
Will nature always win over science?
Tonight one week ago, I didn’t know a part of me would die forever. A week later I am enriched by the lives of women around me. Not to belittle the wonderful man I share my loss with, or the family and friends that have reached out to us in this challenging time of our life. This post however is dedicated to all the wonderful women in our lives.
Our mothers: They have both seen the loss of loved ones from very close quarters. I was thrilled that I was the reason they would see their family grow. I knew they didn’t expect me to, but it felt good to know that I could make them look forward to a new life. Breaking the news to them was the hardest for me. Yet again they both proved to be the strongest women I know. They both reassured me, I wasn’t alone and that god-willing there will more to look forward to. Most importantly they wanted to ensure I was okay. Just like that their focus is on their children again.
My boss: She isn’t the most loved woman in my field. She doesn’t exactly exude the motherly vibe. As I struggle to get back to my daily grind, I have often thought of my boss. I hear her telling me that life is passing me by everyday. Deadlines have to be met, exams need to be studied for. As much as I am responsible for myself, my family and friends I have a responsibility to my profession, school and those that depend on me.
And all of you out there: The most startling revelation I have had in the last week is that we are not alone. Women all over the world, of all ages, race and geographical locations, with varying degrees of health lose pregnancy at some point in their lives. Yet no one talks about it. This last week so many women have come forth and shared with me the most heart-wrenching accounts of what they have gone through. Apart from the strength and support I have received I have been given the gift of hope.
For that alone, I cannot thank you enough.
Filed under A first, Abstract, Blogging, Bonding, Camaraderie, Confusion, Disappointments, Emotions, Environment, Expectations, Experiences, Facts, Faith, Friends, Health, Issues, Life, Loss, Love, Pain, People, Personal, Philosophy, Pregnancy, Sad, Society, Thoughts, Wishes
One day you will come into our lives. Right now it is one big hope. I think of you often. I realize how much I already love you. It baffles me. I haven’t met you, or heard your voice. I don’t know what kind of person you will turn out to be. I don’t know if I will like you, or if you will like me. We will have a bond nonetheless. That is life I will tell you, when you wonder about that bond.
I hope you will be happy. With the circumstance you come into and with those that await you.
I hope you have the strength to face whatever life throws your way. Whether is it good or bad. There is a way to handle each and always come out the winner.
I hope you will know, that no matter what you say or do, you will always be loved. May not be by the people you want, but there is love and acceptance to be found. I hope that you will learn to respect and savor that love.
I hope you will be kind and respectful and grateful, even when life gets tough or terrible. There is no place for vengeance, hatred and intolerance. The world will be a better place for you, if you could hold onto your values.
I hope you will be generous not only with your money but also with your time and your self. Sometimes holding someone’s hand, or answering that phone call or lending your shoulder to cry on, or a patient ear to listen is far more valuable than writing a check.
And I hope you will always know that no matter how far you go, or how lost you get there will always be two people in this world, you can always come back home to.
Love, mom and dad.
Filed under A first, Blogging, Bonding, Camaraderie, Communication, Emotions, Expectations, Experiences, Life, Love, People, Personal, Pregnancy, Relationships, Thoughts, Wishes