My world this week

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Indian Lok Sabha Elections: Indian Lok Sabha Elections. Indian Lok Sabha Elections. Indian Lok Sabha Elections. Indian Lok Sabha Elections. Indian Lok Sabha Elections. Indian Lok Sabha Elections. I cannot say it enough number of times. It is important. It is time. People get up and go to vote. The complexity is beyond my understanding as well it was explained here. However as a citizen I very strongly believe that casting my vote is the right I can exercise without the bias of gender, race, caste, income. Each vote makes a difference. It saddens me to know the number of educated people who are going to refrain from casting their vote. I don’t understand their sentiment. That is my fault. Irrespective of their lack of vote, there will be a leader who will be elected. I say control that elect. I have so much more to say, but is it beyond the scope of my Friday fives.

Summer is around the corner. I don’t do well in the heat but for one and only one reason it is my favorite time of the year. People come visit me as everyone seems to be on vacation. Whether it is the yearly visit from my mother, family and friends who make an extra effort to come visit me or people who just need to transit via my city. It doesn’t matter how short the visit or what the intention, I love it when people come by. They bring a piece of home for me which I miss immensely.

On several occasions in the recent past there has been a sentiment that has resonated loud and clear. ” Where did all those friends go”. I don’t know. I really don’t. I am here and hope to always be.

I can now float in water. I am not that scared. I still have some panic moments. It is because I don’t know how to breathe in water. Even that is getting better. Yay for small achievements.

My world this week

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It has been a rough week. Only for me. People around me are doing well. And I am genuinely happy for them. Karma I call it. But me not so much. This time I am not looking to blame anyone but myself. I am going through the motions and realizing I don’t like what I see. The decisions I made, the trust I put into people. A part of me is also questioning my faith in god. I also know I cannot back down now. I have to stay strong for myself, for my family and for all those that believe in me.

I did go for the hike. It turned out to be less distance more terrain. Lots of rocks and boulders and ice and slippery mud. I loved every second of it even though I had the wrong shoes, wrong outfit, lost my favorite scarf and was last on the trail. Most important thing is that I finished. Probably even more important is that I want to do it all over again.

Today I sign up for swimming. I have always wanted to learn. Also in my quest for better health, better body I think swimming will provide me with the right push and motivation to keep going. Also it is considered to be the most calorie burning exercise. I am all for killing two birds with one arrow.

People around me are breaking up their families, separating from loved ones, getting divorces. A friend recently told me, this is okay as the involved person is happy, as that is all that matters. It has been bothering me since. Is it really our own happiness that is all that matters? Do we not have a responsibility towards our partner/children family around us? Can we do whatever it takes to keep ourselves happy, even if it comes at the cost of others? I am all for putting myself first on the priority list, but I don’t know when exactly that becomes selfish.

I try not to complain about the weather. People do it all the time and I have never seen the point of it. It’s either too cold or it’s too hot. My philosophy is that if it is not not under your control don’t complain about it. But man-o-man. Has this winter been long and painful? Everyone was so happy about a warm November and I kept warning people that we will have a long drawn winter because of it. Damn this black tongue. I am ready for some loving from the sun.

No title post..

I’m sitting in the doctors office. Again. It’s becoming a routine. I don’t know yet if there is a problem with me. Or the problem isn’t me at all. It’s an odd feeling when I get those knowing looks from other people. They think they know what I’m going through or what I am there for. I don’t. Maybe they do. The thought is unnerving. I sit tight. I am just another woman trying to understand herself. My understanding is clouded at the moment. Am I doctor? A wife? A woman? Sometimes they are one and the same. Most times not. People know that right? Sometimes I’m just as needy as the next person. I would like to have an anchor. Most times I sail my own . I like it like that. Except those anchors disappear if you don’t dock enough. I don’t think I will ever be okay with that.

While I wait for my name to be called…. small pinch she will say. It really isn’t  small pinch. It is a goddamn needle getting into my vein which does not feel like a small pinch.. I forget what I was thinking… so I am going to stop.. my post has no title.. some days are just like that..

My world this week.

And just like that it is two weeks since I wrote last. This time I really didn’t have time.  I like being that busy. It makes me more focused. I have to plan better. I have to reach those targets and I generally do as I try really hard to see the end of the line. I like the adrenaline rush.

I haven’t learned. This world is a mean place. Quote,” If I did well, you will look good” Even if I did look good by your good performance, I feel you will have far better benefits from doing your work in a timely fashion. In stead of being grateful for my help, the said person doubted my intentions. I am surprised. But I shouldn’t be. This person has probably lost faith in the goodness of this life and I feel bad for said person.

My mother and I are having similar issues at our work place. It has been interesting to exchange notes with her. I have benefited from her years of experience and I have been able to educate her regarding the evolution of ethics and what is the norm now.

India remains a very emotional country. So much is said and not said, not based on what is right or relevant but on feelings. I seem to be forgetting that. I am torn between what I need to become and what I was. I am trying to find the right balance.

You may never have heard this one before. I am dreading my weekend. I am tired just thinking about it. I have so much planned for it already that I am tired. Really tired.

I get a bonus point to touch upon correct? I mean I missed last week.. I have signed up for a hike. Plain terrain long hike. All day affair. And I am walking daily for it. Very happy about it. Getting out of my comfort zone.

 

My world this week

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1. Two days too late already. It would have been a happy update had it not been for the last two days but then life is a mix of good and bad.

2. I have said it before and I will say it again shit happens to the best of us. It takes a lot more courage to accept shit happened and you need to move on vs making the shit work. It really doesn’t.

3. Don’t cry for help. Seek help. Big difference.

4. First step towards travel plans are already in motion. I am one happy person.

5. There is a fire in my belly for travel, language and research. Oh yeah!

You would be a better doctor if only you knew…

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They don’t really teach you how to be a doctor in medical school. True we get training on diseases, and how to identify them, how to treat them even. We even learn to understand epidemiology of disease and prognosis and we think we sound smart when we can rattle of the current statistics of survival, or normal lab values. But you know they don’t teach you, how real death can be. What failure feels like and now matter how hard you try, there will be times you will fail. Patients will not get better. They will die at some point. Yo will have angry patients and in spite of your best efforts sometimes people will be upset. They don’t tell you about this human element in medicine. However most of all they don’t tell how to be a patient.

I wont deny it, it is difficult to be on the other side. Whether you are the patient or a family member. Being at the receiving end is a challenge in itself. I don’t like walking into a doctor’s office and letting them know I have been to medical school myself. I feel that takes away from my prerogative to be a normal patient. I don’t like the “you would know this better”. I may understand things better but not necessarily know it better. The last few years I have been training to be a very specific type of physician. Every other field is becoming a blur. So no I don’t like to tell them.

That needle is not a small pinch like we have come to tell the patients. It isn’t so much the needle piercing, but the tourniquet, the looking for the vein, the three too many vials that need to be filled but more importantly the anticipation is what is scary. How is all that to be allayed by equating it to a small pinch.

I underwent my first EKG/ECG a few months ago. It was part of a cough work up. In my mind I knew it was a completely useless exercise but I didn’t want to challenge my physician. Perhaps the futility of the test was weighing in on me, but I found it rather invasive. I was undressed and manhandled without warning. I know nothing done was inappropriate. But I got no warning. I was left amused. I am sure I have done the same to another unsuspecting patient.

I don’t think you need to have cancer to understand what your patients are going through, but I do think a little sensitivity would go a long way.

 

My world this week

1. I found an exercise buddy. We went to the gym together and I lifted weights. Something very empowering about lifting a weight you didn’t know you could.

2. I have been trying to do things that are out of my comfort zone. Like going to the gym, making my own protein bars, talking to my boss about her cooking interests. It has been liberating and I wonder how much further I can actually go if I wanted to. The possibilities are endless.

3. Two TV/Netflix shows have completely taken over me my time, my life. Seriously I need rehab. House of Cards and Mad Men. I am not entirely sure why I enjoy Mad Men but in a week I am through 4 seasons while working 80 hours this week so you can imagine the sleepless nights. I don’t think I have worked this hard for exams ever.

4. I am conflicted between the meaning of being supportive and being taken for granted. This one I will just leave at that.

5. We have a three day weekend and I have plans to work on. My plans for my life. About time I say.

ps: As of this week I have another publication in my name. Very proud of my team and very grateful to my boss for her guidance and support. Someday I will tell you all about her. :)

My world this week

1. I recently came across some bloggers that write a post every Friday about 5 things that happened during their week. They all have some sort of theme to their blog, with very high readership. It is motivating to see passion and means of living collide harmoniously. The one thing that struck me most was the consistency with which these bloggers write. So while I don’t think I will be following their rules for posting on a Friday, I have decided to dedicate Fridays to round up my week on this blog.

2. I am trying several personal experiments. Challenges if you will. Writing consistently on this blog is definitely one of those things. The other is health. I have taken a few steps towards it. I have started this journey several times. Problem is sticking to it. Since my last post its been 7 days and so far I have stuck to all my plans. I know it has only been a week, but they say it takes about 3 weeks to make a habit. So I am going to check in every Friday to let you know how that is working out.

3. I now have three scientific papers under my belt. If I work smart/hard in a timely manner I should have at least 6 more paper before we hit mid year. I would like that very much. It is about time I step up my game. Very excited about the possibilities.

4.  Next weekend is a long weekend that I would have loved to go on a short trip. Unfortunately the husband is busy with work. Also this year we have some financial commitments that will preclude much traveling. Damn, already see one of my resolutions getting killed.

5. This week I did something I thought I had stopped doing. I told someone in the nicest possible way that their negativity and needy behaviour was begining to take a toll on me. I could no longer be their so called “friend”. I strongly believe that friendship is a two way street. Of course the traffic can vary. But in the end it should equalize. Or at least hold that promise. I don’t feel very good about it, but I also feel that there is no point in being in a malignant relationship.

My week so far. How has your’s been?

 

Happy New Year

And I am already a month late. Ha! It has been a odd few weeks. Mostly unhappy unsure months followed by extreme clarity in thought and action. I think time for lack of resolutions is over. It isn’t fashionable to say I can’t keep my resolutions so why make them. I still don’t suscribe to the notion that we need a particular date or milestone in life to make resolutions. I think it is an ever evolving question and answer we seek from ourselves. Today is good as any other day. Something about the change in year feels like the right time to let go of the past and start the new though.

I have been  determined to make public my hopes for myself. Not so much a resolution but an evolution in my thoughts, actions and life in general. Here goes my list. I hope to check in regularly and report my progress.

1. Travel. The last overseas journey I made was when my father died. Needless to say that doesn’t count. I was on my way to our yearly vacation when I got the news. I have broken that yearly tradition since and didn’t get on a plane for the next 6 months after. For someone who would always get on a plane to go on vacation, visit family, or work at least every 3 months this has been a long hiatus. I don’t want to attribute this gap to anything. I just want to get back to traveling. I want to go see another country, I want to go on a real vacation. I want to be me again.

2. Health. I have more than a good share of pounds to lose. The weight has never slowed me down, or reflected poorly on my yearly health check ups. I feel this is a good year to shake off the excess weight. Take up a sport I enjoy. Learn something new. Whether it is joining my husband to play tennis and learn to swin like I have always wanted to do, this year feels like the right year to shake off the “I am Indian, I don’t do sports mentality” I feel like being part of a health community. I think it is time to shed the conciousness and make a start. What with my wobbly bits and three chins.

3. Learn to cook/eat something new. I haven’t eaten lobster off the shell, or oysters. I don’t  know how to make a mean steak even though I absolutely love it. I want to learn to make risotto and really good gajjar halwa. I want to branch out of the 14 dishes I know how to cook. I have already achieved a part of this resolution. I learned how to saute kale and have thoroughly enjoyed it. I want to add  more greens, protien whether it is lean meat or even vegetarian protiens I want to be more proactive when it comes to healthy living, clean eating. This should also tie in well with my goal of losing weight.

4. Learn a new language. I have always been envious of people who are bilingual. If you count Hindi and English, I am bilingual too. Okay how about multilingual, people who can just pick up a language. I want to be able to speak another language fluently, preferably Spanish since I live in a city/country wherein Spanish speaking patients are pretty prevelant. In my line of work, I feel it will also be very useful.

5. Add another degree to my name.  I feels its been so long since I went to school. Been a part of that educational community. I miss it. I am looking to do something that will help me tie in my main profession and my interest in clinical research. I haven’t been able to shake off my prior disappointments. I did start an online course right after med school. It was more to beef up my CV than to actually get a degree. I am so ridden with guilt over wasting my parent’s money that I have not ventured out at it again. I want to change that. I want to really get another menaningful degree.

I am going to stop here. I have several other professional/personal achivements I want to make. But I think it is time we keep it real.

What about you? What have you always wanted to do? What do you think should be achieved this year, because this is the perfect time.. new year et al.

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