Happy Friday and Thought-pourri

This is the last weekend in this city I call home, for the rest of this year. I then go to my other home. A place I have always called home but not lived in for the last 16 years. Even the place I call home has changed. I think home is no longer a real place. It is a feeling.

Since I haven’t gone back in 3.5 years, I know a lot would have changed. People, places have all enjoyed their time and moved on. Every time I have gone back, a part of my childhood is erased. I used to feel cheated, but I now realize that change is imperative.

We adapt. That is what the human race does, otherwise this race would have vanished a long time ago. I am already noticing a difference in people. I cannot tell if I don’t like the changes because I wished a part of my childhood could remain the same, or because I haven’t been given the opportunity to adapt to the changes. Either way an open mind and heart might make the transition a very happy process.

There are professional/ personal commitments to take care of before I leave. I wished I had more days than I have and it could be Tuesday already. I don’t want to struggle through all of it, but I will. I am confident I will be happy at the end of it.

Here is wishing you all a very happy Friday and weekend. My next entry is probably going to be from back home! :)

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Challenged faith

I always have something to say. Since I don’t really know how to ask, I say thanks. That I know how to do. I am grateful for all the blessings I have received. I am fully aware of them. I don’t ask.

I haven’t felt this numb in a long time. I didn’t have thanks to say, I didn’t have questions. I couldn’t remember the people I always think of. I felt blank. Until I didn’t. I cried.

There has been a lot of crying the past few days. Some I can explain, a lot I cannot. So I let it be. I let the tears flow. Hoping that would help communicate what I feel.

I feel cheated. My faith is being challenged. I believed the unsaid can be heard. I haven’t seen that happen in a while and all I now feel is angry. Empty even.

In the what is considered a safe haven, I feel alone and empty and angry, but most of all I feel challenged.

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Nature vs science

Or should it be the other way around? The past few days have been very contemplative. I have been contemplative. I have thought of things I would never have. Reached out to people I normally wouldn’t and sought solace in places I was very angry with. All in all, I cannot explain my mind and my actions.

It has been very humbling to realize that my scientific brain may not find the answers it seeks. As a friend rightly explained, medical science cannot explain or test for the things it doesn’t know. We don’t know so much. Explains why my nurse apologized for the medical fraternity as soon as she entered my room. I was almost offended as I have a lot of faith in my science. Now 10 days later I understand what she was apologizing for. Medical science has barely touched the surface. Not much to speak home about eh?

Science does not explain our faith. Be it in god or our science or whatever else we believe in. I want to believe (that too very strongly) that I will find the answers. So I can do something about it. People around me tell me to keep my faith in god. Don’t look for answers, trust his better judgement. Well right now that is a little hard to do. I have also been told to trust my own body. It knows what is right. Well if it did then how come so many of us get cancer, or experience unexplained catastrophes.

Something is obviously not right or aligned. And yet the human race persists. The tenacity we show in accepting and moving on is mind numbing sometimes. Is that a mere defense mechanism? Are we in denial? Or is it really best to let go?

Will nature always win over science?

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To women, with love!

Tonight one week ago, I didn’t know a part of me would die forever. A week later I am enriched by the lives of women around me. Not to belittle the wonderful man I share my loss with, or the family and friends that have reached out to us in this challenging time of our life. This post however is dedicated to all the wonderful women in our lives.

Our mothers: They have both seen the loss of loved ones from very close quarters. I was thrilled that I was the reason they would see their family grow. I knew they didn’t expect me to, but it felt good to know that I could make them look forward to a new life. Breaking the news to them was the hardest for me. Yet again they both proved to be the strongest women I know. They both reassured me, I wasn’t alone and that god-willing there will more to look forward to. Most importantly they wanted to ensure I was okay. Just like that their focus is on their children again.

My boss:  She isn’t the most loved woman in my field. She doesn’t exactly exude the motherly vibe. As I struggle to get back to my daily grind, I have often thought of my boss. I hear her telling me that life is passing me by everyday. Deadlines have to be met, exams need to be studied for. As much as I am responsible for myself, my family and friends I have a responsibility to my profession, school and those that depend on me.

And all of you out there: The most startling revelation I have had in the last week is that we are not alone. Women all over the world, of all ages, race and geographical locations, with varying degrees of health lose pregnancy at some point in their lives. Yet no one talks about it. This last week so many women have come forth and shared with me the most heart-wrenching accounts of what they have gone through. Apart from the strength and support I have received I have been given the gift of hope.

For that alone, I cannot thank you enough.

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“Don’t cry because it is over, smile because it happened” – Dr. Seuss.

Saying good-bye has never been easy. And just like that we had to. You were taken away from us. I wasn’t prepared. How could I be? For the last 5 months I had done everything I could to keep you safe and healthy. I was almost a different person. Mama bear comes to mind. All the tests, all the scans showed us you were perfect. We were okay. And yet.. they called it a freak accident.

Freak it was and just that like you are gone. Our prefect sweet baby.

It is going to take us sometime to get back to normal. I don’t think we will know normal ever. There will always be questions and fears and most of all the sadness of never letting you have the chance. We knew we had challenging days ahead of us but we were ready. I can safely say you made me a better person everyday. I was learning to be more patient, more compassionate and perhaps a little kinder. I was beginning to know what pain felt like, what fear of losing meant and what it felt to love someone unconditionally.

I am trying not to put blame. I want to savor the moments we have thoroughly enjoyed. Finding out we were pregnant. Hiking the grand canyon. Driving the route 69. My first visit to Vegas. Hearing your heart beats, see you grow, feel you kick. Telling our closest friends and family. The thrill you brought into all our lives. Finally watching the Wicked and feel you kick with every soaring score. It was the best birthday weekend your father and I had in a long time. And for all those amazing times I can never thank you enough.

I am sorry we didn’t do a better job of keeping you safe. Don’t ever think we will forget you. You have made us better for all of the 5 months that you were in our lives. We hope you will have siblings one day. We hope to tell them about you. We hope they will know that you made us better parents. Or maybe we will keep you our little secret.

No matter what, you will forever remain your father’s and my favorite little sweet baby boy.

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My hopes for you.- Originally written on 10/22/2014

One day you will come into our lives. Right now it is one big hope. I think of you often. I realize how much I already love you. It baffles me. I haven’t met you, or heard your voice. I don’t know what kind of person you will turn out to be. I don’t know if I will like you, or if you will like me. We will have a bond nonetheless. That is life I will tell you, when you wonder about that bond.

I hope you will be happy. With the circumstance you come into and with those that await you.

I hope you have the strength to face whatever life throws your way. Whether is it good or bad. There is a way to handle each and always come out the winner.

I hope you will know, that no matter what you say or do, you will always be loved. May not be by the people you want, but there is love and acceptance to be found. I hope that you will learn to respect and savor that love.

I hope you will be kind and respectful and grateful, even when life gets tough or terrible. There is no place for vengeance, hatred and intolerance. The world will be a better place for you, if you could hold onto your values.

I hope you will be generous not only with your money but also with your time and your self. Sometimes holding someone’s hand, or answering that phone call or lending your shoulder to cry on, or a patient ear to listen is far more valuable than writing a check.

And I hope you will always know that no matter how far you go, or how lost you get there will always be two people in this world, you can always come back home to.

Love, mom and dad.

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Best birthday ever.

It’s only been 7 hours since my birthday actually started but I think I have already had the best birthday ever. :)

Details to follow. Maybe!

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