Appalled

Rant ahead-

I don’t expect people to understand world politics. I know that is an acquired interest. But it is very important to know, be involved and help channelize local politics. It affects our daily lives, it affects the place we create for our children.

“I am not into politics”, just means you don’t care. Then don’t complain, and don’t think you deserve anything from the constituency, city, state or country you live in.

There was a picture I came across, where there are women with banners in their hands demanding the right to vote. Women and men alike fought to have a voice. Use it.

The end.

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Filed under Experiences, Culture, Disappointments, Issues

I hope you know.. Originally written on 9/10/2014

I have been an emotional roller coaster. They say hormones can do that to you. I’ve had plenty of ups and downs so far. I was completely pooped out but now I feel more in control which is awesome. I am 12 weeks and one day today!

I have some bad news and some lack of news yet. Partly why these posts are drafts.

I have been diagnosed with diabetes. I knew it was coming sooner than it hits most people. It was almost like I was waiting for it. But 20 pounds lighter and much more active, I wasn’t expecting it to hit so quick. I think you tipped the balance a bit. I am grateful for it. I know that doesn’t make sense. But you know I haven’t felt this responsible in a long time. You remind me of all the times I promised myself that if you ever came into our lives, I would do everything in my power to be a good parent. That is all we are going to aim for now. Good is good enough.

I got CVS done a few days ago. I will know the results a few days later. We decided to know if it would be right to bring you into this world. It sounds harsh and believe me it is. Every ultrasound I have watched you grow. I have heard your heartbeat. You are probably the size of a lemon right now, but you have arms and legs and you do flips and suck at your thumb. You said hi the last time we were at the sonographer’s. No matter how many times I tell myself I should not get attached, we are already so attached. I even saw your chord. How can we not be? We made you. You didn’t ask to be made, we did anyway. Soon we will be presented with data in a few weeks that will beg us to make some decisions.

I always knew that I wouldn’t bring a special needs child into this world. Your father has been on board. For my old eggs and inability to create a perfect you, I did not want to subject a child to this world. It isn’t easy when you have all your faculties going for you, it is even harsher for someone with special needs. Until I saw you it was such a practical decision. Now, I pray all the time. I already don’t want to lose you.

I don’t know if it is the hormones, or the fact that I know you are being so strong and dealing being in my body that I know it will completely break my heart if I couldn’t keep you. Will you understand that your parents, put their own feelings aside to ensure we didn’t bring you into this world to struggle?

A lot of people may not agree with us, but your father and I have to do what we think is right for you and for us. I cannot wait to see you grow and give birth to you and talk to you. You are my first and no matter what happens I hope you know you will always be the most special to us.

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Filed under Decisions, Emotions, Fears, Issues, Life, Pain, Personal, Pregnancy, Sad, Thoughts

The draft of drafts- Originally written on 09/04/2014

This post is going to be a draft for a long time. I don’t know when we became so cynical or so secretive. But we did. I am so thrilled about you. I didn’t even know I could feel the way I do. You have had such a humbling effect on me, I already know you are going to be the best thing that has ever happened to me. After your father of course. He is the best thing that has ever happened to both of us. You will see, you will know. I promise you.

You are a bit of a miracle. No one knows that. Not yet. Probably never will. You know, people don’t talk about these things. I don’t know why our society is such. Most of us suffer and struggle alone. We don’t talk about our fears and definitely not about our failures. I don’t know since when it became a crime to accept that we are not picture perfect. Truth is darling, everyone struggles whether they accept it or not, whether they tell you or not. That is why it is so important to be kind and patient with people around you. You never know what is going on in their lives, even if they look like they have it all.

I digress. I wasn’t supposed to get pregnant. I was told my ovaries were too old, I was too fat and nothing was working right. I worked hard to lose weight but there was nothing I could do about my ovaries. Your father believed in both of us, even though the doctors had recommended medications and procedures. Just your dad and me and you happened. Our little miracle.

One day I will tell you about where the doctors went wrong and what I learned to make my own practice better. But today, at 11 weeks I have watched you grow very little every day. I have been through numerous tests and numerous examinations. I didn’t know I had it in me to go through it all. Your father doesn’t come with me as he works almost 18 hours a day. I will tell you more about your father too. Most people think I am alone. Physically I am, but I could not do this without your old man. Most importantly I didn’t know how strong I had to be, until I saw you. You were just a peanut when I first saw you at 6 weeks, with your little heart beating so strong, so fast. I knew immediately I had become a better person for it.

Thank you for coming into our lives. Oh, we have so much catching up to do.

 

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Filed under A first, Emotions, Experiences, Facts, Fears, Health, Issues, Life, Marriage, Milestones, People, Pregnancy, Society, Thoughts, Wishes

Profound Friday Post

Time to detox. “Nuff Said”

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Filed under A first, Abstract, Blogging, Camaraderie, Communication, Decisions, Disappointments, Emotions, Expectations, Experiences, Friends, Life, People, Personal, Thoughts, Wishes

Graduate School

It has been a total of 6 weeks since I started Graduate School. It has been a bit of a whirlwind. I’ve barely managed to keep my head above the water. I thought this year would provide me with some down time. Instead I find myself busier with all the projects that I have brought upon myself. School itself is busy. With 15 credits in 12 weeks, I have assignments, readings, paper writing, mid-terms and final exams. If that isn’t pressure enough my class consists of students at least 10 years younger than me. They are quicker, smarter and know exactly what it takes to succeed. They have clear plans and are willing to do whatever it takes to be on top. I like the next generation. I like that they keep me on my toes. I like that I am equipped with experience, maturity and knowledge. What I am struggling with is speed. Everything takes me longer.

I have to take the yearly in-service exam that every resident in the United States needs to take. I haven’t started studying yet. I have been very distracted. Right now I can justify it all, but come November when I intend to travel for 3-4 weeks, I don’t think I will be that happy. I need to get my act together and fast.

As I am in school, I actually get vacation. I am very excited about it. I have no had designated vacation days in a while. I have already begin my planning, telling my friends. I have kept the relatives at bay. I have started conditioning my mother about my visit. I don’t have a ticket in hand. I have to accomplish a million things in the next few weeks but I cannot wait to get home. I just hope the plans don’t fall flat.

On that note, happy Friday y’all.

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Filed under Bonding, Camaraderie, Communication, Environment, Experiences, Goal, Life, Milestones, Pain, Personal, Questions., Thoughts

It is a big day for us!

For me and my husband. For many many reasons. Reasons that I cannot wait to tell you all about. But for now, I need to take  a step back. I need to breathe. I need to finish homework and I need to think. There is probably no right or wrong way to do this. We just have to have a plan to do it. With my plate as full as it is right now, I don’t have a plan. Soon I hope. For now, I am going to smile and savor this moment.

Very very excited!!

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Filed under A first, Abstract, Blogging, Communication, Decisions, Emotions, Environment, Experiences, Facts, Health, Issues, Life, People, Personal

8 years and counting

Thank you wordpress. It’s been great and I don’t plan on stopping anytime soon.

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Filed under Blogging