The Fighter

Today needs to be celebrated. I believe. I have done something I didn’t think I had it in me to do. Part fear, part inertia, part frustration. All excuses. I once read some place, stop finding excuses not to do something, start looking for ways to overcome the obstacles. So I have. Taken the leap: of faith, my judgment. I hope to live the day to tell that story. If not to you, to myself. Somethings are important. Perhaps very important, even if they are only important to ourselves. Those things matter.For good reason.

* Yup based on the movie.

Originally started on November 16th 2011

There is a thing about this blog. I am not sure exactly what it is, but I am not ready to let go. It could be that it reminds me there is one thing I have been successful at. If this is what you can call successful. Without the judgment about its quality or quantity, I am going to enjoy a smug moment. 5 years and counting. Yeah baby!

It is time for a few changes. I have been struggling to make those changes. Even accept that I have to make them. Denial can be a big deterrent in progress.  Time comes when the strongest of compulsions for denial have to be acknowledged. The freedom felt thereafter is sweet. You know what I am talking about.

Today I have no idea what I was talking about then. That is the sad truth about those moments. They pass. I wish I would do better about my thoughts.. Going back to publishing my unfinished posts..

Hump day

It is discomforting to see all black on your favorite sites. I get the reason. I endorse the fight.I miss the freedom.

I became the adult all too suddenly. I thought I could ease back into being the child I once was. That is not going to happen. I have come to a sad realization.

Professionalism evades me. The games I have to learn to play are disturbing. What needs to get done, needs to be done.

People, oh well I continue to try and understand them. No luck there. But I know this, complexes complicate lives.

I no longer have any friends. I have people in my life. Their place in my life has now become fluid as in a noun.

Human experiment

I have a blog post in the draft section. The title says Happy New Year and all that jazz. Before I could complete the post, I started to catch up on other posts only to find what I wanted to say was already said before. Only better. I am struggling from lack of expression. I am not sure though. Is it expression,or motivation to go that one step ahead and say what is on my mind. To take action. To give voice to my thoughts. To do what is on my mind. To transform thoughts into actions.

So I have decided to embark on a human experiment. Subject: Self

Step one: Deactivate Facebook account.
I can always reactivate it. I find myself peering over other people’s lives when my own seems boring or unbearable. It is almost a place I go to hide from reality. Reality of state of mind, of chores at hand,unfinished manuscripts, uncalled phone numbers, unwritten letters. So I am going to try and push myself towards doing things in real and not taking comfort behind a wall.

Step two: De-stress
I don’t do it enough. I don’t even know that I get stressed out, because I don’t know how to recognize the symptoms. Until one day when I break down. Sometimes in front people that understand me, sometimes in front of people who were just waiting for that moment to take advantage. Either way, it is my life and I should know better of how to deal with it. I will consciously make an effort to do one thing a week, that makes me happy.For example penning down my thoughts on this blog.

Step three:Learn something new
A language, a skill, a song, a meal. So much to learn, such little time. I have ideas brewing in my head. Will pen those down in weeks to come.

Step four: Travel
Unplanned, on a budget and most non-glamorous were the recipes of my last trip. I generally like to pack 30 things in a day. And this was a polar opposite of my regular vacation. I slept, ate, drank laid on the beach and drove aimlessly on beautiful wide roads. Was the most relaxing vacation I have had. I should definitely do this more often.

Step five: Talk, have real conversations
I think this has been discussed onto death. People don’t talk as much. With each other. Have honest conversations. Why? Oh well you know why. Apart from the obvious, I think it is inertia. We get away with not doing things we want to do. I have been promised a handwritten note in response to the new year card I sent 3/4 years ago.I am still waiting.* But apart from the food and drink and everything else on the previously mentioned step, I had conversations. Real honest conversations. They too serve as fuel for the soul.

I will stop here. You might say these are resolutions for the new year. They as might as well be. For me, this is a 5 step program for a better me. It is my own personal human experiment.

ps:*I am still hopeful.

Wake up and smell the coffee

After a very crappy performance on this blog I am still not ready to let go. It as been more than 5 years since I started and not even 500 posts. So there has to be a reason to stay. I don’t feel stifled here. Simply put.

I reached out to a friend recently. Someone I had let go a long time ago and while it was not an easy decision I did it anyway. After a few recent exchanges, I was hoping to find that friend again. I did. I believe therein lies the problem. Over a decade has passed and the years have not touched them.

I am married to one of the nicest human beings in the world. Three years yesterday. After 3 years of being together I can think of 30 reasons why this marriage should not work. I know only of one, that will make us survive long. Our Commitment to what we started. While that is a scary thought I believe it makes the conviction stronger.

A little bit of politics, a little tact, a little bit of personality and a lot of hard work. Even then there are no guarantees in life. Sometimes no matter what you have done or tried or how much you have put into it, it can all fall flat in your face. No one is ever prepared to deal with failure but one always has it in the back of their head. Tough.

Today is the first weekend where we get to relax. Today is when I will write my holiday cards. Today I will spend time with the love of my life and celebrate our years together. Today I will call my friends. Today I will complete one project. Today I will live a life.Today I will smile.

Today of all days

It is almost the end of this work day. I have a long list of to do things. While lists can be great to keep you on track, they can also become just that. Long lists. I have been suffering from inertia. The intent to move forward has been there, but there has been a lack of will. I always thought intent was the stronger of the two. I realize now that will takes over by leaps and bounds. Not much happens until you actually get up and do something about it.

I have very mixed feelings about this night. On one hand I am very excited. On the other I am not sure how this evening will go down. It is not easy to be the only one who wants to defy the expected. In doing so I have found myself breaking down in public transport, being moody and very reclusive. What matters I hope is that, I am that pillar of strength and sounding board that I am now expected to be. Or at least I believe is expected of me.

I often think about the effect of people around me. While some have an instantaneous positive effect on me, some suck the life out of me. Not necessarily because I don’t like them, but because that is what they need of me at that particular time. I wonder what effect I have on people. Should I limit the life sucking tendencies and render myself isolated and helpless? Should I just let things be and hope that I am understood the way I understand them.

This evening!

It is about hugs and friendship. Food and laughter. Tears and memories. It is about promises kept and prayers answered. It is about uniting the known, and bringing together the unknown.

I am very excited about this evening!

Beautiful fall day

If I had to be honest I think fall is my favorite time of the year. It is not too hot, with only the slightest hint of chill in the air. The leaves are yearning to change color. They will be the brightest and their best, right before they whither off to nothingness. The place I call home and the home I left behind begin preparations for the festive season. Fall brings with it happiness and cheer.

If I had to be really honest, I would admit that I don’t really know how I feel about my mother-in-law. She has in her everything that I respect in a woman. She is strong, independent with a very adamant attitude. She knows what she wants and she knows how to get it. She has survived the death of four very close family members in the last decade. She has chosen to survive and survive on her own terms. When I look at her from a distance I have a lot of respect for the woman she is. It is when I have tried to get close that I begin to have my doubts. Sometimes I wonder what cost are we ready to pay, for the choices we make. Those choices define us and am not sure if I like those definitions.

If I had to be really honest, with myself that is, I would grieve. I am not going to, not because I am not allowed to, I just chose not to. People say loss of a loved one gets easier to bear as time passes by. I am not sure if that is entirely true. I hope it is. I am not sure if it is tough, because I chose to grow up and I was not ready for it.Perhaps I have been in denial. Perhaps I have not been able to tell people even when I was asked. Either way I am trying to find my coping mechanism and I am not going to apologize for it.

Pratical guide to dealing with the loss of a loved one

When the first phone call is all about a massive occurrence, with which your loved one and the treating physicians are dealing with, the natural thing to do would be to pray for a miracle. Pray for what is best for the loved one. As harsh as it may sound, sometimes what is in the best interest of your loved one, may not be what we as survivors might want or desire. But for that one moment, put your loved one’s need before your own. Making decisions with that frame of mind, makes living with yourself a lot easier.

One gets numb. Of emotion, of pain, of thought. The one person you should definitely reach out to in this state of mind is your boss. It is almost amazing, the clarity of thought that dawns upon you when you get the second phone call telling you about the demise of your loved one. Call the boss. Tell them what happened. How much time you need and sign off all your pending work to the colleague you don’t really trust. At a time like this, while the boss would understand or at least pretend to understand your plight, that colleague who you don’t really trust will do their best to show well in front of the boss. They will ensure all your work gets done while you are away, sometimes better than what you could have done in the first place. It all works out fine in the end.

Don’t try to understand people around you. Don’t even try to rationalize your own thoughts. Sometimes, and more so in instances where you have just lost the one you love, nothing is going to make sense. Even if people have the best intentions, they will rub you off on the wrong side. There is so much healing you need to go through, that don’t let yourself get affected.

Everyone grieves the loss of a loved one. Everyone remembers the one who is no longer amongst us. So many times we forget about the ones that are left behind. Someone needs to stand up for them. You need to realize that the one that has gone, really doesn’t care what we do. It is the ones that bear this person’s loss that need the most support. Sometimes, our rituals catered to help the soul depart in peace forget about the peace of the survivors. You need to ensure that you can be there for them.

It is okay to reach out to friends and family that you hope will understand you. It is okay if you want to shed a tear and have them comfort you. Because in all the above steps of my practical guide, you will have to forget about yourself for a while. Then when you see your support system, strong and happy in the place they currently occupy, it is okay not to shed that tear. It is okay to absorb that strength, to steal that smile. It is okay to tell yourself, they have done well in spite of their own loss, you will too. With everything that goes said unsaid, they are by your side.

Happy Birthday Jamie…

I ponder over the card for a while. He senses my hesitation. I think and pause. I write and pause. I think again and I stop. He nudges, curious about my thoughts. I tell him, I am not sure. He asks me to keep positive. I mean well, it should be okay he says. But how. When I know better. There are no miracles to hold onto. She is not going to be a part of my life, no matter how hard I tried. I should anyway. I wonder if wishing happy birthday was right? Was it cruel? Given the circumstances. I have a battle raging in my head. I am unsure. Unsure of everything. Did I have enough time. I struggle. I seal the envelope and hope for the best. I know my card will reach just in time for her birthday. I want her to know, I am thinking of her. I have no expectations.

I get a call a day later. She has moved onto a better place. They are going to bury her on her birthday. Happy Birthday Jamie!