Wow 22 days since my last post. So much has happened, needless to say. Time flies when you are having fun they say, or when life takes such a turn that you want to bury your head in a deep hole and never come out of it. I am not liking being an adult. This phase has been tough to put it mildly. I almost had a nervous breakdown last week. A very new feeling for me. I used to think nervous breakdowns were an urban myth. Then I survived it. Or perhaps I have become adept at faking it, till I make it. To overcome the feeling of impending doom, I decided to shut down completely; help reset the brain. No phone calls, messages, social media, well meaning friends, not so well meaning family, husband, neighbor, you get the idea. Suddenly, like the coming on of a light bulb I felt like there was no point in all the stress I was taking on. So what that I am jobless, with a master’s loan looming on my head, my husband might lose his job this week, we are struggling emotionally and physically due to lack of a baby, need to work on my master’s thesis, mothers are being mothers, cousins have failing kidneys, closest friend is now a recovering alcoholic and our adopted friends are really getting onto our nerves. Really when you lay it out like that, it is just another weekday! No biggie!
Tag Archives: Pregnancy
I never got to publish this post. It is the last of the drafts I had started to write. I notice a common theme in all my posts when I was pregnant. I was constantly worried. About the health of the baby, my health. I know I was becoming that crazy stressed out woman. When the mother-in-law can sense your stress, you know you have gone step too far. I wonder if I wanted perfection and I was killing myself over it.
I feel the body decided that it won’t give me anything since I wanted it to be so perfect. Having gone through one pregnancy loss will I feel the same way about the next? Will I be more amenable to keeping a special needs child? Will it be fair? Will I even be the same person? Will the next child be as precious? Will I even be able to have the next child?
I crossed the 40th week a few days ago. Lots of tears later it hit me that I was still grieving. Some chocolate, some pasta, some movies later I am ready to re-start!.
Before I completely let go off the past and move on I wanted to share this last blog post.
It is the last time I may mention you but you will never be forgotten.
Another three weeks to go.
I think I am going to wait another three weeks before I will announce you to the world. It will be the early anatomy scan time in 3 weeks. So far everything has come back okay. In three weeks I will be told how you are developing and if there is anything I need to be concerned about. I will also find out if you are a boy or a girl.
My uncontrolled blood sugars aren’t helping but I am working very hard at them. Didn’t know I could be so responsible suddenly. I am generally a very responsible person, but I wouldn’t wait for the traffic lights to turn green, or drink 2-3 liters of water everyday, eat a piece of cheese every night, because I know it is the one thing that will keep my blood sugars under control. I go swimming everyday, walking most days and I am so happy doing it.
I constantly remind myself, that you didn’t ask to be born. We made you and it would be up to us to do the right by you. I am not saying I will protect you from everything I can. I actually wont. I want you to learn to survive and do it well. I just don’t want to be irresponsible. So yes you will eat your vegetables, drink your milk, exercise and watch TV only if you have earned it. I will nudge you to study and be academically oriented, and you will be given the freedom to chose any passion you want to pursue.
I cannot wait to tell the world about you!
Dates come by fast. Only I have nothing to show for it. Some pain, some emptiness, a lie full of promises. A worried husband, a counselor on stand-by. Yet this is my battle, mine alone.
Words fail me. My feelings fail me too. I don’t know if it is okay to mourn the loss of what was not meant to be. Is it okay to hold on to the positives and move on?
The mind is playing tricks. All the heart wants is a moment of peace. In due time I hope.
I don’t have the words right now. When I finally find them I hope it won’t be too late!
With a full schedule of school, work, assignments, research, board exams, daily swimming, upcoming conference presentation and a husband with worsening health, I cannot deny that I break down only for you. Life is full but I would have made all the time for you. I have worked very hard on being positive and hopeful and moving on. But ever so often I see pregnant women, or little boys, or just my own dreams for you and I miss you.
Tonight one week ago, I didn’t know a part of me would die forever. A week later I am enriched by the lives of women around me. Not to belittle the wonderful man I share my loss with, or the family and friends that have reached out to us in this challenging time of our life. This post however is dedicated to all the wonderful women in our lives.
Our mothers: They have both seen the loss of loved ones from very close quarters. I was thrilled that I was the reason they would see their family grow. I knew they didn’t expect me to, but it felt good to know that I could make them look forward to a new life. Breaking the news to them was the hardest for me. Yet again they both proved to be the strongest women I know. They both reassured me, I wasn’t alone and that god-willing there will more to look forward to. Most importantly they wanted to ensure I was okay. Just like that their focus is on their children again.
My boss: She isn’t the most loved woman in my field. She doesn’t exactly exude the motherly vibe. As I struggle to get back to my daily grind, I have often thought of my boss. I hear her telling me that life is passing me by everyday. Deadlines have to be met, exams need to be studied for. As much as I am responsible for myself, my family and friends I have a responsibility to my profession, school and those that depend on me.
And all of you out there: The most startling revelation I have had in the last week is that we are not alone. Women all over the world, of all ages, race and geographical locations, with varying degrees of health lose pregnancy at some point in their lives. Yet no one talks about it. This last week so many women have come forth and shared with me the most heart-wrenching accounts of what they have gone through. Apart from the strength and support I have received I have been given the gift of hope.
For that alone, I cannot thank you enough.