I’m heartbroken. But the tears won’t fall. The heart won’t cry. The feelings don’t sting. The words fail me. I’m numb and it’s beginning to worry me. I don’t know when I’m going to break. I know I will. I’ve watched this movie play before my eyes in the past. I know I will be shattered. It’s just a matter of time.
So I hang onto my sanity. Make the right decisions. Assure people around me. I know they are walking on egg shells. They are right to do so. Just like me they are waiting for the ceiling of normalcy to break. Neither of us aware of the aftermath.
I tell myself, I’m going to get past this. I don’t want to give myself a choice. I want to look beyond my loss, the impending grief, the feeling of complete failure. I know all the words that were said before. If I gave people the opportunity they will say them again. I don’t want to. Empty is all I feel.
I remind myself that the two people who care for me the most and truly love me are right here besides me. I’ve got to get it together for them. As it is I who holds them up and keeps them standing strong. I’m not sure I want this burden, but I will bear it anyway.
I want to tell you exactly what I mean. I want to tell you what happened. I want a shoulder to cry on. But the words fail me. The tears won’t fall. The heart won’t cry. The feelings don’t sting. Empty is all I feel.
Filed under Challenges, Condolences, Death, Disappointments, Emotions, Expectations, Experiences, Loss, Personal, Pre-term Labor, Pregnancy, Society, Thoughts
After having been told that I could not bear children getting pregnant in itself felt like a miracle. Miracles and joy don’t really set in when you don’t allow yourself to be happy. I remained worried, that the miracle would be taken away from me at any time. And it was.
I told myself, I shouldn’t get too attached. Who was I kidding. My very body, mind and soul were attached. I fought the connection, because I kept reminding myself that I am a person of science. I don’t believe in things that cannot be proven, seen, or reproduced. So how could I be in love. I was in love more than I realized at the time.
Then when I lost my 5 month fetus/baby I was devastated emotionally. I could not pin point why I felt so sad, since I didn’t really know my unborn child. My husband and I don’t talk a lot about him any more, but we both miss what we could have had. A little boy for us to love, for us to grow old with.
We often meet new parents, tired eyes and body, but excited and giddy. The joy and challenges of bringing up a child that lay before them is unmissable. Sometimes I wonder what kind parents my husband and I would make? Will we love our children enough to make them strong, confident, ambitious, hardworking, and polite. Will we teach them well enough so they would be respectful, kind, generous and humble? I often wonder what my child would have looked like, sounded like?
After all this time, I still breakdown when I think of my unborn child. I feel sad that I couldn’t do more to keep my baby safe. I am sad, that the baby didn’t fight harder for us. I feel sad for all the unfulfilled dreams we had for him.
Filed under Communication, Condolences, Conversations, Death, Disappointments, Dreams, Emotions, Experiences, Hope, Issues, Life, Loss, Marriage, Pain, partner, Pregnancy, Rants, Relationships, Thoughts
If I asked my 23 year old self, I would have said that I have a lot of time, medical science has advanced so much that the biological clock was a matter of old folks tales. There are plenty of stories of women in their 40’s getting pregnant. That holds true now more than then. What no one tells you is the costs of getting pregnant so late in life. I am not even alluding to money. After all, who puts a price tag on a child. The costs are more in terms of time, emotions and physical struggle. By the time a woman is in her 30’s the responsibilities, stress, commitments she has is way more than one anticipates in their 20’s. So here I am into my late 30’s wondering if I would fail in the one superpower I was born with?
The presidential electoral candidates in the United States has me worried. The country being largely divided into two groups it is difficult to agree with all the principles of one party over the other. Each party brings in good ideas with some very bad ones. Of course people vote for the party and not an individual, but don’t individuals matter? Right now all I see is a bunch of clowns. Or has Obama really set the bar that high?
Being the doctor, I am a go to person for a lot of people. I consider it a privilege that people would trust me with their most intimate fears. Come to me for a second opinion, an idea they want to run by, just to voice their concerns, or just use my being a doctor as an excuse to speak with me. When I have my doctor hat on, I am always happy to be of service. So when I get push back on the healthy living articles I forward to family and friends, or when people tell me to “chill” when I remind them that they should get their yearly medical check-ups, I am left wondering at the irony at the situation.
Please don’t kill my blog. I appreciate the fact that there are people who read my blog. Some of you that do, reached out to me via emails/texts/instagram asking me if I was okay based on my last post. However well meaning you were, I really would have preferred comments here which is why I didn’t encourage conversations on other mediums. I write a post, to generate conversation here. If I wanted to reach out to you in person, I would have. Imagine how many more people we could have reached if we talked about things here. Blogging begets comments on blog. A blogger can hope.
On the most positive note, I was invited to join the swimming master’s class this week. I have been wanting to get to that level for a while now, but don’t think I am ready. My old swim coach mentioned that he will work at my level and get me to speed. I cannot wait. Needless to say I am excited like a school girl and giddy with happiness at the prospect of working with my old coach after 18 months.
What is making you excited and happy or sad and confused? Have a great weekend you all.
Filed under A first, Abstract, Blogging, Camaraderie, Challenges, Coach, Conversations, Decisions, Determination, Emotions, Environment, Expectations, Experiences, Friends, Goal, Healing, Health, Hope, Inspiration, Issues, Life, Living my life, Love, Men, Motivation, Opinion, People, Personal, Philosophy, Poems, Pregnancy, Priorities, Questions., Relationships, Resolutions, Short, Society, Success, swimming, Thoughts, Update, Wishes
Wow 22 days since my last post. So much has happened, needless to say. Time flies when you are having fun they say, or when life takes such a turn that you want to bury your head in a deep hole and never come out of it. I am not liking being an adult. This phase has been tough to put it mildly. I almost had a nervous breakdown last week. A very new feeling for me. I used to think nervous breakdowns were an urban myth. Then I survived it. Or perhaps I have become adept at faking it, till I make it. To overcome the feeling of impending doom, I decided to shut down completely; help reset the brain. No phone calls, messages, social media, well meaning friends, not so well meaning family, husband, neighbor, you get the idea. Suddenly, like the coming on of a light bulb I felt like there was no point in all the stress I was taking on. So what that I am jobless, with a master’s loan looming on my head, my husband might lose his job this week, we are struggling emotionally and physically due to lack of a baby, need to work on my master’s thesis, mothers are being mothers, cousins have failing kidneys, closest friend is now a recovering alcoholic and our adopted friends are really getting onto our nerves. Really when you lay it out like that, it is just another weekday! No biggie!
Filed under Always one step behind, Bonding, Challenges, Communication, Conversations, Disappointments, Emotions, Expectations, Experiences, Friends, Health, Issues, Life, People, Personal, Pregnancy, Priorities, Rants, Relationships, Sad, Society, Thoughts
Personal details to follow.
I’m waiting to go back to the fertility specialist.
When I met him last year the one thing no one asked us at this clinic was how often my husband and I had sex. The frequency, quality and timing of sexual encounter are very essential aspects in the baby making process.
Just because we are a happily married couple who don’t believe in abstinence or protection, and definitely beat the national average of how many times we do it in a week, we may not necessarily be doing it right.
Question to you- How many people does it take to ruin the chances of conceiving a baby during 6 years of marriage. Well two of course. The odds really go up when the two are you guessed it a doctor and a banker.
Against all odds we conceived naturally last year. Well when you start aiming it right, at the right time, put healthy habits, like exercise and diet to the mix, your chances go up.
Unfortunately we lost a perfect little boy. I’m not looking forward to this conversation with the infertility specialist. Last time we left his office our options were in-vitro fertilization or adoption. This time I have no clue what to expect. Gulp!
Wish me luck!
Filed under Confusion, Decisions, Determination, Disappointments, Emotions, Expectations, Experiences, Facts, Faith, Fears, Health, Humor, Issues, Life, Loss, Love, Marriage, Motivation, Pain, People, Philosophy, Pregnancy, Priorities, Questions., Sad, Thoughts, Update, Wishes
I never got to publish this post. It is the last of the drafts I had started to write. I notice a common theme in all my posts when I was pregnant. I was constantly worried. About the health of the baby, my health. I know I was becoming that crazy stressed out woman. When the mother-in-law can sense your stress, you know you have gone step too far. I wonder if I wanted perfection and I was killing myself over it.
I feel the body decided that it won’t give me anything since I wanted it to be so perfect. Having gone through one pregnancy loss will I feel the same way about the next? Will I be more amenable to keeping a special needs child? Will it be fair? Will I even be the same person? Will the next child be as precious? Will I even be able to have the next child?
I crossed the 40th week a few days ago. Lots of tears later it hit me that I was still grieving. Some chocolate, some pasta, some movies later I am ready to re-start!.
Before I completely let go off the past and move on I wanted to share this last blog post.
It is the last time I may mention you but you will never be forgotten.
Another three weeks to go.
I think I am going to wait another three weeks before I will announce you to the world. It will be the early anatomy scan time in 3 weeks. So far everything has come back okay. In three weeks I will be told how you are developing and if there is anything I need to be concerned about. I will also find out if you are a boy or a girl.
My uncontrolled blood sugars aren’t helping but I am working very hard at them. Didn’t know I could be so responsible suddenly. I am generally a very responsible person, but I wouldn’t wait for the traffic lights to turn green, or drink 2-3 liters of water everyday, eat a piece of cheese every night, because I know it is the one thing that will keep my blood sugars under control. I go swimming everyday, walking most days and I am so happy doing it.
I constantly remind myself, that you didn’t ask to be born. We made you and it would be up to us to do the right by you. I am not saying I will protect you from everything I can. I actually wont. I want you to learn to survive and do it well. I just don’t want to be irresponsible. So yes you will eat your vegetables, drink your milk, exercise and watch TV only if you have earned it. I will nudge you to study and be academically oriented, and you will be given the freedom to chose any passion you want to pursue.
I cannot wait to tell the world about you!
Filed under Bonding, Communication, Emotions, Expectations, Experiences, Fears, Life, Love, Personal, Pregnancy, Relationships