New York city, a place you get to call home with the sky scrappers and Wall Street, the theater scene along with the food scene. The best universities and hospitals to boast of. It seems like a great place to be. And yet, this is the city where the maternal mortality rates are higher than any other developed country in the world, vaccination rates are low, disparities in income exist out of proportion and at the end of every street corner one finds the evidence of extreme poverty. Which reality should we chose to look at today?
Three continents, 3 medical licences, 2 residencies, one fellowship, three graduate level degrees. What do you say, is that enough? And is it? The heart desires so much more. Some times the heart does not know where to stop. When does enough truly become enough?
One natural pregnancy, 5 failed intrauterine insemination, one intrauterine insemination that led to a pregnancy, two second trimester miscarriages, 4 failed in-vitro fertilization attempts. Do you see the writing on the wall or do you see your eventual goal just one step closer?
Children are dying due to preventable shootings. Is it worth the struggles we have been through to have a baby in this country, if I will constantly live in the fear that their school is no longer the safest place they could be in?
I like my home. I know it is not perfect and there is so much to do. There are problems which I will own. Only when I do that can I make a difference. Where do I stop? Who truly needs to change is it? Is it them or is it me?
Every time my body says enough is enough, my heart whispers, just one more time. Every time my friends and family tell me to give up, my resolves strengthens. It may turn out to be an unfulfilled wish, but at least I know I would have given it my best!
I worry about having children in this country, in this dying world for that matter. But when you see children doing what adults should have done, I see hope. I see hope for a brighter future. I see hope for a future with my children.
How do you chose to look at life? What is your perspective?
Filed under Determination, Disappointments, Emotions, Expectations, Experiences, Faith, Hope, Life, Motivation, Pain, Personal, Philosophy, Pregnancy, Priorities, Relationships, Resolutions, Society, Success, Thoughts, Truth, Update
An unusual text message. Unlikely person to send it. Unlikely time to get it. Something had to be wrong. It was. I lost a part of my childhood instantaneously. I lost my mind, had my heart broken and my soul shattered. The one person I know I can always turn to, didn’t seem like the one I should turn to. Despair, pain, and loss of my footing is an unknown and uncomfortable place to be. Three weeks out now and I am still grappling with this new reality.
An unknown future lies ahead of me. Some of the uncertainty is my own making. Just like grief, some of us deal with stress with the five stages. I have surpassed denial and anger. Current state lies some where between depression and bargaining. Some days I want to give it all up and then other days, I remind myself I wasn’t born to give up. As in Finding Nemo, one just has to keep swimming.
An unlikely friendship could have been nurtured, but as time passes it seems to be very unlikely. There is very little space for disrespect, flakiness, and entitled behavior. Fully aware that it is hard to create bonds of friendship as an adult, I generally keep a high threshold for poor judgement and behavior. Something I have learned in my years of making and keeping good friends, is that if we believe we deserve good quality people in our life, then we don’t need to settle for poor quality relationships. We just have to keep the faith and continue striving for good.
Not all is lost as I start this year on a rather somber and humbling note. I celebrated 9 years with my wonderful husband. We have laughed and cried together through this beautiful life journey. Despite its ups and downs I would go on this exact same journey with this man many many times over. A quote by Ellen DeGeneres perhaps summarizes my relationship a tad bit better, ” To be loved is wonderful, to be understood is profound”
So how has your new year been so far?
Filed under A first, Anniversary, Bonding, Camaraderie, Celebration, Challenges, Communication, Death, Disappointments, Emotions, Experiences, Fears, Life, Loss, Love, Marriage, Milestones, Motivation, Pain, partner, Personal, Priorities, Relationships, Society, Thoughts
So apt to find this draft which has only the title on this page. Yesterday was Karva Chauth. A day I think is supposed to be a private event. At least that is how I grew up to believe it was.
My childhood and tradition forming period in time missed the Karan Johar movies, who in my opinion has completely ruined the sanctity and the way we approach our traditions. Too commercialized in my opinion. And really if your mother didn’t do KC, don’t start now just to be invited to a KC party.
First of all, if anyone thinks that even a non-science educated women, believes fasting/ praying to the moon will either improve her relationship with her husband or increase the longevity of her husband’s life, then you are not giving this said woman basic respect. We women at least in today’s age, know that none of it is true; even as we recite the ancient mythical story of Karva and wait in vain for the moon as it never rises on time.
So I asked myself yesterday, why do I do this fast. I am after all a doctor and a scientist. Why when I have been trained in critical thinking and asking sound clinical questions, do I drop everything to fast, cook up a feast and wait for the moon to rise. I don’t even particularly pray when the moon does show up.
Quite honestly I don’t know. Marriage is bloody hard. It is a daily work in progress. My once a year fast does nothing for our marriage. Well may be a little. It boosts the man’s ego, I get fussed about all day by the man who cannot get over the fact that I would fast for him, so he makes promises he wouldn’t otherwise. Quite worth it, if you ask me. 😉
Filed under Attitude, Culture, Expectations, Experiences, Life, Love, Marriage, Men, partner, Personal, Questions., Relationships, Society, Thoughts, Wishes
I called it friendship. You called it a favor. We both knew it was much more. Only you knew it was wrong. I took my heartbreak and left. It wasn’t forever as you have come back into my life. Only to break my heart again.
Filed under Conversations, Disappointments, Emotions, Friendship, Hope, Life, Love hurts, Men, Pain, People, Personal, Relationships, Sad, Short, Society, Thoughts
After having been told that I could not bear children getting pregnant in itself felt like a miracle. Miracles and joy don’t really set in when you don’t allow yourself to be happy. I remained worried, that the miracle would be taken away from me at any time. And it was.
I told myself, I shouldn’t get too attached. Who was I kidding. My very body, mind and soul were attached. I fought the connection, because I kept reminding myself that I am a person of science. I don’t believe in things that cannot be proven, seen, or reproduced. So how could I be in love. I was in love more than I realized at the time.
Then when I lost my 5 month fetus/baby I was devastated emotionally. I could not pin point why I felt so sad, since I didn’t really know my unborn child. My husband and I don’t talk a lot about him any more, but we both miss what we could have had. A little boy for us to love, for us to grow old with.
We often meet new parents, tired eyes and body, but excited and giddy. The joy and challenges of bringing up a child that lay before them is unmissable. Sometimes I wonder what kind parents my husband and I would make? Will we love our children enough to make them strong, confident, ambitious, hardworking, and polite. Will we teach them well enough so they would be respectful, kind, generous and humble? I often wonder what my child would have looked like, sounded like?
After all this time, I still breakdown when I think of my unborn child. I feel sad that I couldn’t do more to keep my baby safe. I am sad, that the baby didn’t fight harder for us. I feel sad for all the unfulfilled dreams we had for him.
Filed under Communication, Condolences, Conversations, Death, Disappointments, Dreams, Emotions, Experiences, Hope, Issues, Life, Loss, Marriage, Pain, partner, Pregnancy, Rants, Relationships, Thoughts
Personal post about my infertility experience… you have been warned.
There is a very slim chance that we could be pregnant. I never understood why people talked about being pregnant in plural, because only the woman is ever pregnant. Like really what does the man have to do with it? Now having worked at it consciously for the last two years, let’s face it ladies – we don’t get pregnant alone. A partner, friend, chum, husband, sperm donor , sometimes all bundled in one is what it takes to get us there.
In my case, the husband has been not just the voice of reason, an anchor, my support system through some very hormonal days , my friend when I managed to alienate others, my partner in crime, my chaperon at every doctor’s visit, but my man, my love, my life.
So when we were faced with signing consents f0r the potential IVF, I was a little thrown off by what each of thinks is an obvious choice. For e.g. in the event we separate from each other in the next year, my husband thought the fertilized embryos should automatically go to me. Why? Don’t you want them? Or in the event we both died, he thinks the embryos should go to my mom. I wanted to nominated my very single 38 year old friend who I have known for the last 15+ years. I felt like she knows me best and she would be the best person to raise my child, as who else could tell my child about me, like only she knows. I thought it was a mutually beneficial decision. I guess there is practicality and then there is practicality. Also if we were to both die, I don’t really think it matters what would happen to those embryos.
How much can we really plan for right? So here I am eagerly awaiting the next blood test, ready to plunge into the next phase of this journey and wondering how much do I really know anything any more?
Filed under A first, Abstract, Camaraderie, Challenges, Conversations, Decisions, Emotions, Environment, Expectations, focus, Inspiration, Issues, Life, Living my life, partner, People, Personal, Plans, Priorities, Relationships, Resolutions, Thoughts, Wishes
I don’t know when I started to think about the environment around me, but as long as I can remember I have always been very conscious about it. Switching off lights in a room when not in use, closing the tap when brushing my teeth, choosing a shower over a bath to conserve water, only take as much as I will eat to avoid food wastage are just some of the principles I have lived by. I have always been very big on recycling and minimalist living.
Part of it could be due to my very modest bringing up. Not only did we not grow up with excess in our lives, but my father was always telling us about children in Africa who didn’t have a decent morsel for most meals. Wasting food was a complete no-no.
I know a lot of people in India didn’t really think much of the raddiwalas, and rag pickers when I was growing up. Having now lived in several countries I have a lot of respect for the huge recycling plant run in India. They aren’t regulated by the government, or mandated by law and yet, they run a business that helps recycle almost anything. The plus side, you get some cash back.
When I lived in UK, each house, building,institution were required by law to put away waste in color coded garbage bins to help recycle kitchen waste, paper, office supplies etc. Much to my horror when I came to the US, I realized that this country was way behind the UK in this department. This is a land of plenty with little regard to what is happening in the rest of the world. With stores like Costco, Sam’s club, constant sales and heightened consumerism, wastage is forced upon its citizens here.
Obviously this set me on over drive and I have done everything to preserve what I learned from my modest bringing up. While it is very difficult to constantly say no, I have in my journey learned that I am not alone. On the surface it may seem that this country does not care, but this country if full of very concerned citizens. I feel that is just the way every country functions. It all boils down to the citizens and their will. So I was thrilled when I got to know about Big Reuse. I use it only to recycle food scraps as the place we live in already expects its residents to recycle, plastic, glass, paper etc.
The past few weeks have been the most educational and rewarding. One of my resolutions this year was to continue and increase recycling.. The fact that I could now avoid adding to the landfill and put my own refuse to some good for the earth has been very satisfying. My first shocker was to realize how much kitchen waste even a very conscientious person like me generates every week. I then noticed how much food actually gets wasted. I still end up filling up a huge box every week. However the weekly account of what we do with our kitchen supplies and waste has helped me streamline my weekly groceries and minimize our waste. I not only feel good about doing something for this earth, I am also saving money.
Do think about what you can do for your environment around you.