I called it friendship. You called it a favor. We both knew it was much more. Only you knew it was wrong. I took my heartbreak and left. It wasn’t forever as you have come back into my life. Only to break my heart again.
Tag Archives: life
After having been told that I could not bear children getting pregnant in itself felt like a miracle. Miracles and joy don’t really set in when you don’t allow yourself to be happy. I remained worried, that the miracle would be taken away from me at any time. And it was.
I told myself, I shouldn’t get too attached. Who was I kidding. My very body, mind and soul were attached. I fought the connection, because I kept reminding myself that I am a person of science. I don’t believe in things that cannot be proven, seen, or reproduced. So how could I be in love. I was in love more than I realized at the time.
Then when I lost my 5 month fetus/baby I was devastated emotionally. I could not pin point why I felt so sad, since I didn’t really know my unborn child. My husband and I don’t talk a lot about him any more, but we both miss what we could have had. A little boy for us to love, for us to grow old with.
We often meet new parents, tired eyes and body, but excited and giddy. The joy and challenges of bringing up a child that lay before them is unmissable. Sometimes I wonder what kind parents my husband and I would make? Will we love our children enough to make them strong, confident, ambitious, hardworking, and polite. Will we teach them well enough so they would be respectful, kind, generous and humble? I often wonder what my child would have looked like, sounded like?
After all this time, I still breakdown when I think of my unborn child. I feel sad that I couldn’t do more to keep my baby safe. I am sad, that the baby didn’t fight harder for us. I feel sad for all the unfulfilled dreams we had for him.
Personal post about my infertility experience… you have been warned.
There is a very slim chance that we could be pregnant. I never understood why people talked about being pregnant in plural, because only the woman is ever pregnant. Like really what does the man have to do with it? Now having worked at it consciously for the last two years, let’s face it ladies – we don’t get pregnant alone. A partner, friend, chum, husband, sperm donor , sometimes all bundled in one is what it takes to get us there.
In my case, the husband has been not just the voice of reason, an anchor, my support system through some very hormonal days , my friend when I managed to alienate others, my partner in crime, my chaperon at every doctor’s visit, but my man, my love, my life.
So when we were faced with signing consents f0r the potential IVF, I was a little thrown off by what each of thinks is an obvious choice. For e.g. in the event we separate from each other in the next year, my husband thought the fertilized embryos should automatically go to me. Why? Don’t you want them? Or in the event we both died, he thinks the embryos should go to my mom. I wanted to nominated my very single 38 year old friend who I have known for the last 15+ years. I felt like she knows me best and she would be the best person to raise my child, as who else could tell my child about me, like only she knows. I thought it was a mutually beneficial decision. I guess there is practicality and then there is practicality. Also if we were to both die, I don’t really think it matters what would happen to those embryos.
How much can we really plan for right? So here I am eagerly awaiting the next blood test, ready to plunge into the next phase of this journey and wondering how much do I really know anything any more?
I don’t know when I started to think about the environment around me, but as long as I can remember I have always been very conscious about it. Switching off lights in a room when not in use, closing the tap when brushing my teeth, choosing a shower over a bath to conserve water, only take as much as I will eat to avoid food wastage are just some of the principles I have lived by. I have always been very big on recycling and minimalist living.
Part of it could be due to my very modest bringing up. Not only did we not grow up with excess in our lives, but my father was always telling us about children in Africa who didn’t have a decent morsel for most meals. Wasting food was a complete no-no.
I know a lot of people in India didn’t really think much of the raddiwalas, and rag pickers when I was growing up. Having now lived in several countries I have a lot of respect for the huge recycling plant run in India. They aren’t regulated by the government, or mandated by law and yet, they run a business that helps recycle almost anything. The plus side, you get some cash back.
When I lived in UK, each house, building,institution were required by law to put away waste in color coded garbage bins to help recycle kitchen waste, paper, office supplies etc. Much to my horror when I came to the US, I realized that this country was way behind the UK in this department. This is a land of plenty with little regard to what is happening in the rest of the world. With stores like Costco, Sam’s club, constant sales and heightened consumerism, wastage is forced upon its citizens here.
Obviously this set me on over drive and I have done everything to preserve what I learned from my modest bringing up. While it is very difficult to constantly say no, I have in my journey learned that I am not alone. On the surface it may seem that this country does not care, but this country if full of very concerned citizens. I feel that is just the way every country functions. It all boils down to the citizens and their will. So I was thrilled when I got to know about Big Reuse. I use it only to recycle food scraps as the place we live in already expects its residents to recycle, plastic, glass, paper etc.
The past few weeks have been the most educational and rewarding. One of my resolutions this year was to continue and increase recycling.. The fact that I could now avoid adding to the landfill and put my own refuse to some good for the earth has been very satisfying. My first shocker was to realize how much kitchen waste even a very conscientious person like me generates every week. I then noticed how much food actually gets wasted. I still end up filling up a huge box every week. However the weekly account of what we do with our kitchen supplies and waste has helped me streamline my weekly groceries and minimize our waste. I not only feel good about doing something for this earth, I am also saving money.
Do think about what you can do for your environment around you.
Plan, resolution, intention, hope- call it what you want everyone wants to see better versions of themselves. I don’t think anyone can deny there is something about the date changing that inspires us to make changes in our lives. I have banked on this feeling for the last two years. I will admit putting things down in writing makes for a good source of accountability, reference and motivation. Unlike the past few years I have been working on my list of minor alterations that I have been wanting to do for a while. My list is long and extensive, but by no means complete. Simple mundane things of daily living have found their way into my list. So instead of scribbling these on paper, I decided to jot them down here:
- Wake up early(6am-ish), exercise, shower, light an aggarbatti at the home
- Drink more water, 10K steps daily at a minimum
- Read the newspaper daily, not monthly
- Complete Master’s thesis
- Complete all pending research papers
- Write at least one paper every 3 months
- Network on a daily basis
- Get a better job
- Log in a daily thought
- Learn to bake bread, try new recipes, try new cuisines
- Meal prep weekly, weigh my food, log food, water and exercise diligently
- Weight training, swimming, yoga to be incorporated in weekly routines
- Read articles, books that don’t include school work, research articles, and news.
- Blog/Instagram/ Write reviews regularly. Make a schedule and stick with it.
- Limit online/social activity: Do it daily but restrict the number of hours on it
- Sort out pending paper work from last year
- Continue and increase recycling- remember almost everything can be recycled
- Continue and do better with minimalistic living
- Let go of people, places, ideas and thoughts that don’t want to stay
- Remember that money saved is money earned
- Invest in property
- Travel to a destination outside of the US
- Learn Spanish-this is the year
- Go skating this year-maybe
- Learn to dance -maybe
Hmm, I think I will do a monthly check on this list. I am happy to say 2 weeks down and I have been sticking to this plan already. What are your goals?
Let’s just all take a minute to agree upon the fact that this was the toughest week the husband I have survived without once mentioning the tragedy that struck us last year. An event that has changed me for life, that has changed my relationship with my husband forever and the one that has made us both appreciate little mercies in life.
So while we were profoundly affected last year, this year we celebrated and hugged and laughed and smiled and not once did we bring up last year. I deliberately so, the husband probably because he forgot.
And that is okay.. out with the old, in with the new. We are going to be okay. We are! We just have to take a deep breath in…. and then let go…
Always been a very big fan of my birthday. Others too. I think it’s all the attention, the celebration the phone calls and hugs and messages. People making an effort to reach out to you. That warm and fuzzy feeling.
Somewhere along the line I got addicted to Facebook. Facebook only adds to my obsession with my birthday. C’mmon when do 378 people out of the 993 people on your friend list reach out to you.
So, this year and in time ( to avoid being accused of using this as an attention seeking stand) I’ve deactivated my Facebook account.
I have also refrained from telling a gazillion people about my birthday. I’m going to play this very low key. I’m going to emerge stronger and better from this and I will survive my birthday. It’s going to happen.
Time for a little detox therapy.