Tag Archives: Challenges

5 months down, 7 more to go.

What is this year going to mean for me, I often ask myself. Do you? I often hold a mirror to see what I have become. Life happens to all of us, but what do we do about it? How do we let is shape us?  I don’t always like what I see in the mirror, but I tell myself things will get better. To keep myself accountable, I made a list of things I wanted to achieve by the end of this year.

The ones in bold are what I haven’t yet worked on but I need/want to rectify that. So here I am, making myself accountable on my blog.

  • Wake up early(6am-ish), exercise, shower, light an aggarbatti at the home
  • Drink more water, 10K steps daily at a minimum
  • Read the newspaper daily, not monthly
  • Complete Master’s thesis
  • Complete all pending research papers
  • Write at least one paper every 3 months
  • Network on a daily basis
  • Get a better job
  • Log in a daily thought
  • Learn to bake bread, try new recipes, try new cuisines- Tried a few Thai Dishes
  • Meal prep weekly, weigh my food, log food, water and exercise diligently
  • Weight training, swimming, yoga to be incorporated in weekly routines
  • Read articles, books that don’t include school work, research articles, and news.
  • Blog/Instagram/ Write reviews regularly. Make a schedule and stick with it.
  • Limit online/social activity: Do it daily but restrict the number of hours on it
  • Sort out pending paper work from last year
  • Continue and increase recycling- remember almost everything can be recycled
  • Continue and do better with minimalistic living
  • Let go of people, places, ideas and thoughts that don’t want to stay
  • Remember that money saved is money earned
  • Invest in property: May not happen this year
  • Travel to a destination outside of the US
  • Learn Spanish-this is the year
  • Go skating this year-maybe – I went rock climibing instead.
  • Learn to dance -maybe

I know what some of you may say. Well I’ve got almost 50% of my list and we are not even done with half the year. Sometimes though to get what you want to do, you have to work on things every day of your life until you can finally bear fruits.. sometimes those very things mean much more than others.

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Filed under Challenges, Decisions, Determination, Dreams, Expectations, Health, Inspiration, Issues, Life, Living my life, Milestones, Motivation, Personal, Priorities, Resolutions, Success, Thoughts, Update

Unfulfilled dreams

After having been told that I could not bear children getting pregnant in itself felt like a miracle. Miracles and joy don’t really set in when you don’t allow yourself to be happy. I remained worried, that the miracle would be taken away from me at any time. And it was.

I told myself, I shouldn’t get too attached. Who was I kidding. My very body, mind and soul were attached. I fought the connection, because I kept reminding myself that I am a person of science. I don’t believe in things that cannot be proven, seen, or  reproduced. So how could I be in love. I was in love more than I realized at the time.

Then when I lost my 5 month fetus/baby I was devastated emotionally. I could not pin point why I felt so sad, since I didn’t really know my unborn child. My husband and I don’t talk a lot about him any more, but we both miss what we could have had. A little boy for us to love, for us to grow old with.

We often meet new parents, tired eyes and body, but excited and giddy. The joy and challenges of bringing up a child that lay before them is unmissable. Sometimes I wonder what kind parents my husband and I would make?  Will we love our children enough to make them strong, confident, ambitious, hardworking, and polite. Will we teach them well enough so they would be respectful, kind, generous and humble? I often wonder what my child would have looked like, sounded like?

After all this time, I still breakdown when I think of my unborn child. I feel sad that I couldn’t do more to keep my baby safe. I am sad, that the baby didn’t fight harder for us. I feel sad for all the unfulfilled dreams we had for him.

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Are we there yet?

Personal post about my infertility experience… you have been warned.

There is a very slim chance that we could be pregnant. I never understood why people talked about being pregnant in plural, because only the woman is ever pregnant. Like really what does the man have to do with it? Now having worked at it consciously for the last two years, let’s face it ladies – we don’t get pregnant alone. A partner, friend, chum, husband, sperm donor , sometimes all bundled in one is what it takes to get us there.

In my case, the husband has been not just the voice of reason, an anchor, my support system through some very hormonal days , my friend when I managed to alienate others, my partner in crime, my chaperon at every doctor’s visit, but my man, my love, my life.

So when we were faced with signing consents f0r the potential IVF, I was a little thrown off by  what each of thinks is an obvious choice. For e.g. in the event we separate from each other in the next year, my husband thought the fertilized embryos should automatically go to me. Why? Don’t you want them?  Or in the event we both died, he thinks the embryos should go to my mom. I wanted to nominated my very single 38 year old friend who I have known for the last 15+ years. I felt like she knows me best and she would be the best person to raise my child, as who else could tell my child about me, like only she knows. I thought it was a mutually beneficial decision. I guess there is practicality and then there is practicality. Also if we were to both die, I don’t really think it matters what would happen to those embryos.

How much can we really plan for right? So here I am eagerly awaiting the next blood test, ready to plunge into the next phase of this journey and wondering how much do I really know anything any more?

 

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Friday Fives!

If I asked my 23 year old self, I would have said that I have a lot of time, medical science has advanced so much that the biological clock was a matter of old folks tales. There are plenty of stories of women in their 40’s getting pregnant. That holds true now more than then. What no one tells you is the costs of getting pregnant so late in life. I am not even alluding to money. After all, who puts a price tag on a child. The costs are more in terms of time, emotions and physical struggle. By the time a woman is in her 30’s the responsibilities, stress, commitments she has is way more than one anticipates in their 20’s. So here I am into my late 30’s wondering if I would fail in the one superpower I was born with?

The presidential electoral candidates in the United States has me worried. The country being largely divided into two groups it is difficult to agree with all the principles of one party over the other. Each party brings in good ideas with some very bad ones. Of course people vote for the party and not an individual, but don’t individuals matter? Right now all I see is a bunch of clowns. Or has Obama really set the bar that high?

Being the doctor, I am a go to person for a lot of people. I consider it a privilege that people would trust me with their most intimate fears. Come to me for a second opinion, an idea they want to run by, just to voice their concerns, or just use my being a doctor as an excuse to speak with me. When I have my doctor hat on, I am always happy to be of service. So when I get push back on the healthy living articles I forward to family and friends, or when people tell me to “chill” when I remind them that they should get their yearly medical check-ups, I am left wondering at the irony at the situation.

Please don’t kill my blog. I appreciate the fact that there are people who read my blog. Some of you that do,  reached out to me via emails/texts/instagram asking me if I was okay based on my last post. However well meaning you were, I really would have preferred comments here which is why I didn’t encourage conversations on other mediums. I write a post, to generate conversation here. If I wanted to reach out to you in person, I would have. Imagine how many more people we could have reached if we talked about things here. Blogging begets comments on blog. A blogger can hope.

On the most positive note, I was invited to join the swimming master’s class this week. I have been wanting to get to that level for a while now, but don’t think I am ready. My old swim coach mentioned that he will work at my level and get me to speed. I cannot wait. Needless to say I am excited like a school girl and giddy with happiness at the prospect of working with my old coach after 18 months.

What is making you excited and happy or sad and confused? Have a great weekend you all.

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One month down!

Daymn! Time passes off fast. This has to be the most repeated statement ever. This is my monthly check-in with my resolutions- so if you are looking for an earth shattering, soul stimulating, cryptic, funny or philosophical post, this is the time you stop reading and find another blog post to ruminate over. This right here is just a check-in from this post:

Things I’ve got: Done and dusted for the month of January!

  • Drink more water, 10K steps daily at a minimum
  • Write at least one paper every 3 months- working on it. Will finish 3 papers this week
  • Network on a daily basis
  • Get a better job- Got a new job!
  • Log in a daily thought- Yes!
  • Learn to bake bread, try new recipes, try new cuisines- three breads this month
  • Meal prep weekly, weigh my food, log food, water and exercise diligently- Yes!
  • Read articles, books that don’t include school work, research articles, and news.- 1984, Gone girl, NYT!
  • Blog/Instagram/ Write reviews regularly. Make a schedule and stick with it.
  • Limit online/social activity: Do it daily but restrict the number of hours on it- An hour daily.
  • Continue and increase recycling- remember almost everything can be recycled- More about this in posts to come.
  • Continue and do better with minimalistic living- Loving it! It is hard though.
  • Let go of people, places, ideas and thoughts that don’t want to stay- Not that hard.
  • Remember that money saved is money earned- Oh yeah!

Things I need to work on/ or are a work in progress:

  • Complete Master’s thesis- I haven’t even started yet.
  • Complete all pending research papers -on the way.
  • Weight training, swimming, yoga to be incorporated in weekly routines- Haven’t started with swimming yet.
  • Sort out pending paper work from last year- Haven’t really started.
  • Read the newspaper daily, not monthly- Not happening yet. February-c’mmon step it up baby.
  • Wake up early(6am-ish), exercise, shower, light an aggarbatti at the home. Not waking up early, but rest is good.
  • Invest in property- started the process to find out how much we can afford.
  • Travel to a destination outside of the US- May not happen with the new job, baby making plans etc. But a girl can dream right.
  • Learn Spanish-this is the year
  • Go skating this year-maybe
  • Learn to dance -maybe

 

 

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Call a spade a spade

Plan, resolution, intention, hope- call it what you want everyone wants to see better versions of themselves. I don’t think anyone can deny there is something about the date changing that inspires us to make changes in our lives. I have banked on this feeling for the last two years. I will admit putting things down in writing makes for a good source of accountability, reference and motivation. Unlike the past few years I have been working on my list of minor alterations that I have been wanting to do for a while. My list is long and extensive, but by no means complete. Simple mundane things of daily living have found their way into my list. So instead of scribbling these on paper, I decided to jot them down here:

  • Wake up early(6am-ish), exercise, shower, light an aggarbatti at the home
  • Drink more water, 10K steps daily at a minimum
  • Read the newspaper daily, not monthly
  • Complete Master’s thesis
  • Complete all pending research papers
  • Write at least one paper every 3 months
  • Network on a daily basis
  • Get a better job
  • Log in a daily thought
  • Learn to bake bread, try new recipes, try new cuisines
  • Meal prep weekly, weigh my food, log food, water and exercise diligently
  • Weight training, swimming, yoga to be incorporated in weekly routines
  • Read articles, books that don’t include school work, research articles, and news.
  • Blog/Instagram/ Write reviews regularly. Make a schedule and stick with it.
  • Limit online/social activity: Do it daily but restrict the number of hours on it
  • Sort out pending paper work from last year
  • Continue and increase recycling- remember almost everything can be recycled
  • Continue and do better with minimalistic living
  • Let go of people, places, ideas and thoughts that don’t want to stay
  • Remember that money saved is money earned
  • Invest in property
  • Travel to a destination outside of the US
  • Learn Spanish-this is the year
  • Go skating this year-maybe
  • Learn to dance -maybe

Hmm, I think I will do a monthly check on this list. I am happy to say 2 weeks down and I have been sticking to this plan already. What are your goals?

 

 

 

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Hello

It recently hit me that happiest people can also have a world of emptiness, fear and doubts. Just because people smile a lot, talk a lot, eat a lot or hug a lot, they don’t necessarily not struggle with daily stresses. Stress hits everyone and how we react to it, defines us.

Same goes for depression. Just because someone goes through their daily motions of wake, work, eat, exercise, sex, sleep doesn’t mean they couldn’t have have something gnawing at their hearts, minds and subconscious. Sometimes we see those symptoms, sometimes we don’t.

Counselors aren’t mythical creatures. They have gone to a real school and learned real tricks to help us reset our brains. I think it could be cultural but I see a lot of resistance to getting help. With the growing unhappiness in our society, I see an increased value in their services.

So this year, my hope for myself is to slow down a bit, relax, be content, be patient with people and things around me and find true happiness. What are your hopes for yourself?

 

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