Tag Archives: Missing my father

Thought-pourri

And we lose yet another family member. Of the three son-in-laws my grandfather had, none remain. I was particularly close to this one. Even called him papa at one time. His departure hits very close to home for more reasons than one. His wife was like a mother to my mother more than a sister. He never shied away from his own imposed responsibility even though she left us so many years ago. I truly hope he has joined his wife and are now giving my father great company. He was rather fond of them.

If for a minute people could let their egos aside, so much can be achieved. Working in a small, confined, secure group felt like the perfect place to get some good done! But that is not to be. We spend more time pacifying egos and catering to imaginary hierarchy than actually forging ahead with great ideas and hopeful hearts.

My father had the unique ability to always see the best in every situation. While I have struggled to see anything good in our current situation, I finally see the light. I see people coming together for a common cause. I see women standing up for other women. I see people being alert, taking responsibility and having a voice. And I see hope. How can I not, when people are coming together in this divided world, even if it is because of all the wrong reasons!

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Filed under A first, Challenges, Decisions, Emotions, Environment, Hope, Life, Loss, Pain, People, Personal, Sad, Society, Thoughts

Rituals don’t make it right

I was delayed by two days. The longest two days of my life. As soon as I made an entrance I knew there was no place for me, my emotions, my feelings. I had to be the father, the mother, the daughter, the sister, the wife, the niece, the daughter-in-law. I had to play every role that I was ever entrusted to play, but myself. At the time it was okay.

As the hours passed by and I took on the reigns of the doer, I realized I was doing everything back stage. I was the backbone, the foundation, the strength, the pillar and yet my name, my presence was no where to be seen or to be felt. At the time I felt I was meant to do what I was doing. At the time it was okay.

There is a Hindu ritual called “pagadi rasam”. It is the passing of the responsibilities from father to son after the death of the father. This one troubled me the most. I wondered why my mother wasn’t involved in the ritual when she knew my father the best. Or me since I was the child that knew my father the best and was closest to him. I struggled with my emotions and the roles I was asked to play. Which at this particular ritual was to stay hidden and uninvolved.

It is 4 years since and I continue to play the roles I took on that day. I am the father, the mother, the daughter, the sister, the wife, the niece, the daughter-in-law. I continue to question those very rituals and I continue to struggle with my emotions. Just because they said so, it doesn’t make it right.

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Filed under Death, Life, Loss