Tag Archives: loss

It doesn’t begin even after it has…

Countless couples like me and my husband did everything in our 20’s not to have children. In our 30’s we are doing everything to have at least one child. Each one of us has our own different struggle stories. That, it is raining babies provides some sort of solace. But then it would be a lie to say it doesn’t hurt just a little bit every time we hear of our friends and family having a baby. Every month we go through the cycle of reliving our  disappointment yet again.

We hold on to hope day in and day out. We pray, we become the support the other needs. We remind ourselves that we are there for each other and that no matter what we love each other. We are each other’s anchors, because this journey can really drain you emotionally, physically, not to mention financially.

Yet we both have come to realize that having a baby isn’t the end of it. In the recent months we have been exposed to a different side to parenting. No one tells you about their autistic child, or their five year old who is diagnosed of Crohn’s disease. No one tells you how much parents worry about the health of their child, or how much their life changes. How saving for college takes on a whole new meaning. No one tells you that even when their child becomes an adult parents spend sleepless nights when they know their child is struggling. I guess not enough likes for reality.

No one tells you that if you think having a baby is tough, you have no idea what having a baby really means.




Filed under A first, Abstract, Always one step behind, Bonding, Camaraderie, Challenges, Communication, Confusion, Conversations, Decisions, Determination, Dreams, Emotions, Environment, Expectations, Experiences, Facts, Faith, Fears, focus, Goal, Health, Hope, Humor, Issues, Life, Loss, Love, Milestones, Pain, partner, People, Personal, Philosophy, Pregnancy, Questions., Rants, Relationships, Resolutions, Society, Thoughts, Update, Wishes


I looked for my previous posts on thanksgiving, and found this. Tomorrow all those years ago, changed the course of history. Most of us got closer and stood united against the attack on our home. It didn’t matter which family I belonged to, which language I spoke, what my religious beliefs were, or even which country I lived in. For those of us who have had the privilege to call Mumbai home, were deeply affected. Our home was under attack and we were hurt. Together.

Tomorrow happens to be Thanksgiving in my adopted country. It is one of my favorite holidays. It is the celebration of harvest and a way of giving thanks.The origin of this holiday can induce some negativity around the holiday, but now it is a time when families get together for a food coma inducing food fest , family, warmth, hugs and love. There is no exchange of gifts which makes it a real holiday especially in this very consumerism driven society. I absolutely love it.

I have a long list of things I am thankful for, but today I am going thank this blog. It has been a part of me for 10 interesting years. Thanks for providing me this platform for my expressions, relief, friends I have made, and the wonderful bloggers I have been able to follow.

Happy thanksgiving y’all!


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Filed under Celebration, Communication, Conversations, Culture, Environment, Expectations, Food, Friends, Home, Hope, Issues, Life, Loss, People, Priorities, Society, Thoughts, Wishes

We could do with a little more kindness in this world.

For the most selfish reasons I had always hoped that my mother would outlive my father. My father was a man of very few words, fewer friends and and even fewer desires in life. The one thing he loved and that kept him happy and going was mum. I knew if he would lose my mum, he would have died a thousand deaths every day that he would live without her. I always thought it would be him who would be unable to cope with the emptiness her loss would have left behind.

I have seen how well my mother has done without her husband. She has kept herself busy, and occupied her days with work, nights with TV. She exercises and travels and does all the things she like to do. But most importantly she socializes. Her family includes in her all family dinners, she has always been invited to weddings. My father’s family has started traveling together once a year. Somehow the family has become even closer than they already were. I often think even in death my father is taking care of my mother.

What has recently hit me though, that people would not have done the same for my father. The invitations would have dwindled.His presence at weddings and baby showers and birthday parties would be considered odd. People would empathize with my father but at some point pity would have set in. He would have felt the difference. The little semblance of normalcy that would take a mountain of effort would slowly not be worth it. He would have become lonely and distant. And then he would just be that poor old widow barely making it without his wife because you know men are so much weaker than women.

I’d beg to differ. As much as we complain about society being harsh to women, we completely forget that society is a bloody bitch to men as well.

“Dear Uncle, I am very sorry to hear about the death of Auntie. I am sure you will have people tell you that time is a healer. Let me tell you, time does nothing. You will however learn to live with the void and your pain. It is yours alone as no one will ever know what you go through on a daily basis just to get through the day. I am even more sorry because I know you have not only lost your wife, your social compass, your lover and confidant, your reason to smile and earn your bread, you will now lose family and friends. My only wish for you is that you take care of your health and continue to live this life with the wonderful memories you made with your wife of 40+ years. My deepest condolences and please believe me when I say, You will make it through.”

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Filed under A first, Condolences, Culture, Environment, Expectations, Personal, Relationships, Society


It’s very lonely. Most battles have to be fought alone. There is help or advice available, but the actions have to be one’s own.

The one thing we have power over is the one power we give away most readily. Next time you eat a french fry I want you to think about it.

I always voiced my concerns about smokers. I am finding that obesity is equally bad. I might have to join a new fight, starting with myself.

A goal without a plan is just a wish. Nothing could be truer in my case. There is so much I want to achieve but I don’t seem to have the appropriate plans. That will change starting  now, especially since I caught myself looking at sprint triathlon dates for next year.

I love my family. I detest my family. Enough said.

Happy Thursday y’all!

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Filed under Blogging, Decisions, Determination, Disappointments, Emotions, Environment, Life, Update

Another three weeks to go. Originally written on 9/21/2014

I never got to publish this post. It is the last of the drafts I had started to write. I notice a common theme in all my posts when I was pregnant. I was constantly worried. About the health of the baby, my health. I know I was becoming that crazy stressed out woman. When the mother-in-law can sense your stress, you know you have gone step too far. I wonder if I wanted perfection and I was killing myself over it.

I feel the body decided that it won’t give me anything since I wanted it to be so perfect. Having gone through one pregnancy loss will I feel the same way about the next? Will I be more amenable to keeping a special needs child? Will it be fair? Will I even be the same person? Will the next child be as precious? Will I even be able to have the next child?

I crossed the 40th week a few days ago. Lots of tears later it hit me that I was still grieving. Some chocolate, some pasta, some movies later I am ready to re-start!.

Before I completely let go off the past and move on I wanted to share this last blog post.

It is the last time I may mention you but you will never be forgotten. 

Another three weeks to go.

I think I am going to wait another three weeks before I will announce you to the world. It will be the early anatomy scan time in 3 weeks. So far everything has come back okay. In three weeks I will be told how you are developing and if there is anything I need to be concerned about. I will also find out if you are a boy or a girl.

My uncontrolled blood sugars aren’t helping but I am working very hard at them. Didn’t know I could be so responsible suddenly. I am generally a very responsible person, but I wouldn’t wait for the traffic lights to turn green, or drink 2-3 liters of water everyday, eat a piece of cheese every night, because I know it is the one thing that will keep my blood sugars under control. I go swimming everyday, walking most days and I am so happy doing it.

I constantly remind myself, that you didn’t ask to be born. We made you and it would be up to us to do the right by you. I am not saying I will protect you from everything I can. I actually wont. I want you to learn to survive and do it well. I just don’t want to be irresponsible. So yes you will eat your vegetables, drink your milk, exercise and watch TV only if you have earned it. I will nudge you to study and be academically oriented, and you will be given the freedom to chose any passion you want to pursue.

I cannot wait to tell the world about you!


Filed under Bonding, Communication, Emotions, Expectations, Experiences, Fears, Life, Love, Personal, Pregnancy, Relationships


We only see what we want to. We only see what we are shown. When mixed together the picture can be so far away from the truth. If that is my truth, it can as easily be yours.

Social media is a great reminder why you went apart in the first place. There is a reason we stop talking connecting. Just because the means of communication have increased, we don’t necessarily have that much to say.

What doesn’t kill you only makes you stronger. This cliche couldn’t be more true. If you get up one day and realize you survived the most dreaded day of your life, you know life will go one and so will you.

How do educated successful people not have an opinion in life. Or perhaps they do and they do not wish to share it. It is their prerogative after all. Or are they not adequately provoked or worse still affected.

Marital relationships continue to be a mystery. It seems as though social media activity is inversely proportional to quality of one’s marital life. I am working on this theory.

Have a great Monday and week!


Filed under Camaraderie, Communication, Experiences, Life, Marriage, Opinion, Update

Paying my dues..

Dates come by fast. Only I have nothing to show for it. Some pain, some emptiness, a lie full of promises. A worried husband, a counselor on stand-by. Yet this is my battle, mine alone.

Words fail me. My feelings fail me too. I don’t know if it is okay to mourn the loss of what was not meant to be. Is it okay to hold on to the positives and move on?

The mind is playing tricks. All the heart wants is a moment of peace. In due time I hope.


Filed under Decisions, Disappointments, Emotions, Expectations, Experiences, Loss, Sad, Thoughts