It is a big day.
There is cake, balloons, love, laughter.
He steals a glance at the beautiful woman in the room.
Her eyes meets his.
She gives him a big smile.
Is that sadness he sees?
What am I missing, he wonders?
What is your story, he does not have the courage to ask.
I could have been getting hugs and kisses and love and perhaps a handmade card and a nice little jewelry box from my husband. Today I could be celebrating mother’s day with two of my children. An older boy who would have just turned 2 and a younger daughter who would be barely 5 months. There could have been picture taken that we would have held dear for all of our lives. I would perhaps be very tired from nursing my new born and have my mom cook me my favorite meal. We would have celebrated this day together.
But that wasn’t meant to be. I have a certain ache in my heart thinking of the could be, would be and perhaps. Life has other plans I tell myself today. The mind wanders to orphaned children in this world. How their heart aches to get love and mine to give. I think of all the unwanted/unplanned pregnancies. Mothers who neglected and abused their children make me angry. I am not alone, I remind myself. There are many who want to have children and cannot or who got pregnant but lost their babies. I don’t particularly care for women who are undecided. Right now that is making me angry too.
I don’t want to be an unreasonable or angry person. So I call my mom. She always puts life into perspective and reminds me that I am more than my loss and suffering. I am not sure if I should wish her today. She doesn’t subscribe to these days. She calls them Hallmark days (Hallmark makes money off these days). I wish her anyway. She thanks me and immediately asks me about my graduation ceremony last week. I sense her pride as I tell her about my walk and the high praise my professors bestowed upon me. She asks me about my thesis and my future plans. She wants to buy me a graduation present. She is adamant. She says “her baby” deserves it.
For a moment I forget my pain and I think of what to ask. In that moment I realize how truly blessed I am. I have a mother who loves me and supports me and thinks the world of me. I have the best role model in my mother not only as a human being but professionally. I have experienced unconditional love and undying support. I have seen her be the pillar of strength and hold my family together. I have an anchor in her, not many can boast of. I don’t think anything can surpass such a unique gift all wrapped into one.
I tell her I have her and that is all I’ll ever need. Thank you and Happy Mother’s day mom!
Filed under Culture, Death, Disappointments, Emotions, Experiences, Life, Loss, Love, musings, Pain, Personal, Relationships, Sad
Your message made me really sad. Just like our last conversation on the phone did. I never had the liberty to develop any feelings for you as I knew about R even before you told me about her (Curtesy PS). As much as I enjoyed talking to you then and felt the warmth of your affection, I was always aware that you were spoken for. Yet the rude shock of being discarded as a nuisance was hurtful.( You said now that you are married, it wouldn’t be right by your wife for us to continue talking). Apart from our spoiled rice fiasco in your dorm room, nothing transpired between us that I could hold onto. Instead I felt a certain distance from you which I had come to respect. That day in London remains a heartwarming memory, and always brings a smile to my face. I want to hold onto that memory. While I applaud your effort at honesty, I think what makes me sad is that you allowed yourself to be selfish then and you are being selfish now. It was about you and doing the right by R then, it’s about your pain now. It doesn’t feel like I feature any where in your thoughts/considerations/decisions. That makes me sad. Even friends don’t treat their friends like that, let alone someone who may once have had a kind of love for someone that could be painful.
I don’t know if this is good bye yet, but do forgive me the day that it is.
Filed under Communication, Conversations, Decisions, Disappointments, Emotions, Experiences, Friends, Life, Loss, Love hurts, Pain, People, Personal, Rants, Relationships, Sad, Thoughts
I called it friendship. You called it a favor. We both knew it was much more. Only you knew it was wrong. I took my heartbreak and left. It wasn’t forever as you have come back into my life. Only to break my heart again.
Filed under Conversations, Disappointments, Emotions, Friendship, Hope, Life, Love hurts, Men, Pain, People, Personal, Relationships, Sad, Short, Society, Thoughts
And we lose yet another family member. Of the three son-in-laws my grandfather had, none remain. I was particularly close to this one. Even called him papa at one time. His departure hits very close to home for more reasons than one. His wife was like a mother to my mother more than a sister. He never shied away from his own imposed responsibility even though she left us so many years ago. I truly hope he has joined his wife and are now giving my father great company. He was rather fond of them.
If for a minute people could let their egos aside, so much can be achieved. Working in a small, confined, secure group felt like the perfect place to get some good done! But that is not to be. We spend more time pacifying egos and catering to imaginary hierarchy than actually forging ahead with great ideas and hopeful hearts.
My father had the unique ability to always see the best in every situation. While I have struggled to see anything good in our current situation, I finally see the light. I see people coming together for a common cause. I see women standing up for other women. I see people being alert, taking responsibility and having a voice. And I see hope. How can I not, when people are coming together in this divided world, even if it is because of all the wrong reasons!
Filed under A first, Challenges, Decisions, Emotions, Environment, Hope, Life, Loss, Pain, People, Personal, Sad, Society, Thoughts
Wow 22 days since my last post. So much has happened, needless to say. Time flies when you are having fun they say, or when life takes such a turn that you want to bury your head in a deep hole and never come out of it. I am not liking being an adult. This phase has been tough to put it mildly. I almost had a nervous breakdown last week. A very new feeling for me. I used to think nervous breakdowns were an urban myth. Then I survived it. Or perhaps I have become adept at faking it, till I make it. To overcome the feeling of impending doom, I decided to shut down completely; help reset the brain. No phone calls, messages, social media, well meaning friends, not so well meaning family, husband, neighbor, you get the idea. Suddenly, like the coming on of a light bulb I felt like there was no point in all the stress I was taking on. So what that I am jobless, with a master’s loan looming on my head, my husband might lose his job this week, we are struggling emotionally and physically due to lack of a baby, need to work on my master’s thesis, mothers are being mothers, cousins have failing kidneys, closest friend is now a recovering alcoholic and our adopted friends are really getting onto our nerves. Really when you lay it out like that, it is just another weekday! No biggie!
Filed under Always one step behind, Bonding, Challenges, Communication, Conversations, Disappointments, Emotions, Expectations, Experiences, Friends, Health, Issues, Life, People, Personal, Pregnancy, Priorities, Rants, Relationships, Sad, Society, Thoughts
Fall in the United States happens to be my favorite time of the year… I know there is a dreaded snow laden winter coming our way, but fall reminds me of happy moments in my life.
My first trip to the US with my father that I can remember. I was 11 and took a bus ride from Philadelphia to Baltimore on my own. It was one stop and my father put me on the bus. I think my family still talks about how crazy my father was to do that and how brave I was to make it on that 2 hour journey. It was something my dad and I laughed about.
Apples and apple cider and pies and leaves changing colors. Warm warm cozy sweaters and lot of tea. Some of my favorite things to have, do, wear.
Diwali and Dussehra and the month long festivities back at home. I miss them tremendously but thanks to technology I get glimpses of what people are doing back home.
My birthday followed by my husbands. This time of the year is generally celebratory….
And then you… I was almost 20 months.. waiting to feel you kick inside me, starting to tell people about you.. and then finally holding you in my arms.. not knowing if I had failed you or you had decided, you weren’t going to bother with us. No matter what the truth was, you will always be my happiest of memories.
Filed under Anniversary, Condolences, Conversations, Death, Disappointments, Dreams, Emotions, Expectations, Healing, Life, Marriage, Pain, Sad, Thoughts