Category Archives: Plans

Today’s mantra

Clear your mind of Cant

 

Things to do this week:

One clinical day, one medical-education day, 5 one hour presentations, 3 meetings for graduate school, master’s thesis revisions for submission due, PhD proposal hard deadlines due. Apart from this regular work week, I have guests coming to stay with us from India. I am beyond excited and can barely concentrate on what needs to be done.

So today’s mantra: Clear your mind of can’t. I’ll let you all know if I survive this week!

How does your week look like?

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It is time to say good bye…

..to 2017. I am not going anywhere, however dismal and limited my blogging has become, just in case you thought I was going to go.

Along with a good bye, comes reflection of the past year. I have been taking small steps to reduce my internal struggles and external battles in turn. One thing that has often come to my attention is that the more I am grateful for what I have the more I will have in turn. I don’t know how that works but here are a few things that I am grateful for from 2017.

  1. Travel: I got to go on  vacation with my mother, I got to meet a dear friend in UK, and spend a lot of quality time with my husband.
  2. Health-mates: I finally opened up to people and joined Facebook walking challenges, Fitbit challenges. Finding solidarity from my health-mates has helped me stay on track.
  3. More husband time: My husband decided to quit his day job and follow his heart’s desire. I have seen him more, hugged him more, and talked to him. I have loved every minute I have got with him this past year.
  4. Becoming an advocate for myself.  I have often struggled with “seeing both sides” I still do, however I have learned that there is something to be said about having an opinion. We are all entitled to one and it is our right to defend it. I have encouraged myself to be more vocal. That in turn has made me think of what really matters to me and it has been good to know myself better
  5. Podcasts: Have discovered the world of podcasts this past year and it has changed my life. So much out there.. it has been eye opening.
  6. Opening myself to the idea of adoption.. making the decision that adding a member to my family is more important to me than feeling defeated that “I” could not make a baby.
  7. Letting go: That was my only resolution last year.. and I have to say I have done a very good job of it. I let go of negative energy, people, things and everything that sucked the energy out of me. Instead I focused on myself, my work and the people I feel closest to, those that bring positivity in my life.

What are you thankful for?

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I am going to give this one last good fight!

Thank you to all of you who have wept with me and for me. Those of you who emailed, messaged, and sent lovely notes full of love and prayer and warmth and concern. Even those of you that stayed silent, know that I understand. Some things are just hard to make any conversation about. I have been in that spot. I just didn’t know what to say, so I said a silent prayer, hoping things would get better for the person struggling.

The good thing with struggle is that I find them very character building. I had to truly work on myself and not go down the rabbit hole of asking myself or god, why me? I taught myself to say, so that happened, as does life to everyone, where to next?

I have taken my time. I have changed homes, I have traveled to 11 countries in the interim, I have worked on my relationship with my mother, I have embraced yoga, healthy eating and regular walks. I haven’t yet reached the stage of meditation or veganism, but I feel I am pretty close to being awesome ( my own measure). I definitely feel ready to give the possibility of a family with a child in it a good fight.

Join me, as I tell you more about this journey, struggle and what hormones can do to a relatively normal person!

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A girl can hope..

I hope people can find true happiness.

I hope people care more, eat less, sleep more, cry less, laugh more, lie less.

I hope people can keep their differences aside, be more respectful.

I hope people would remind themselves we are all people, not man/woman, white/black, native/immigrant.

I hope the boundaries disappear, travel becomes easy.

I hope immigration officers don’t exist.

I hope I continue to live, travel, love, laugh, and believe.

I hope I make this world the kind of place I want to live in.

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Monday Madness

Yes I have started using circulating hashtags as my blog post titles. I have absolutely no creative juices flowing. Just life happening to me and happening very fast.

We are moving from our one bedroom apartment to a two bedroom apartment. We had planned this move in time for the baby. We knew our mothers would come visit us once the baby was born and we thought a bigger place would be a good idea. Our baby is long gone but we decided to move anyway. So if any of you need a place to stay in New York city, we have an extra bedroom. Mixed feelings at this time are an understatement. I am doing my best to be excited about the change.

I have committed to writing my master’s thesis in the next 6 weeks. With the move, doctor’s follow-ups, current courses, and new job search, this is an added stress I didn’t need. But I have it and I don’t plan to back down.

My weight loss/health issues are taking a back seat. This bums me out the most but hope to get back on track. If I have learned anything in life, our health/lifestyle is the only thing we have control over. If you are anything like me, then you like that control and you really shouldn’t let go of it.

I have so much buzzing in my head these days. The US election for one, about which I want to write my thoughts on. So much is being said and written about it already, that I don’t want to add to the noise. Then again my thoughts matter so I hope I will. I want to go another vacation before the year ends, get a new job, get the master’s thesis written and get back to baby making plans. More on that another time.

How are all of you doing this Monday evening?

 

 

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Thought-pourri

Only until a few days ago, I had not hit the 30 day mark. I thought I had plenty of time and boom, I am 2 days over. While we didn’t really exchange any words I was here wondering if anyone else had.

Times are confusing. The body, mind and heart wants three very different things. The constant internal struggle is exhausting. Playing it cool, isn’t working in my favor at the moment.

Do the work, people told me. A degree gets you no where. That could be true. Am I hiding from the real world behind academia? I often question myself.

There are days when I am euphoric and I want to scream out to the world. Then there are days that I am worried and scared and my spirits are dampened. The manic depressive states has taken on a brand new meaning in this ones life.

Relationships-are they real, or they belong to a make believe world? There is always a constant flow of people which I thoroughly enjoy. But are there any roots to be laid?

When I look at him, most times I see my best friend, my buddy, sometimes he is just a little boy I love and want to take care of. Then there are days  I rest my head on his shoulders feeling loved, cared for, safe and grounded.

“Life is either a daring adventure or nothing at all” – Hellen Keller.

Life continues to be a wonderful challenge.  How have you been?

 

 

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Are we there yet?

Personal post about my infertility experience… you have been warned.

There is a very slim chance that we could be pregnant. I never understood why people talked about being pregnant in plural, because only the woman is ever pregnant. Like really what does the man have to do with it? Now having worked at it consciously for the last two years, let’s face it ladies – we don’t get pregnant alone. A partner, friend, chum, husband, sperm donor , sometimes all bundled in one is what it takes to get us there.

In my case, the husband has been not just the voice of reason, an anchor, my support system through some very hormonal days , my friend when I managed to alienate others, my partner in crime, my chaperon at every doctor’s visit, but my man, my love, my life.

So when we were faced with signing consents f0r the potential IVF, I was a little thrown off by  what each of thinks is an obvious choice. For e.g. in the event we separate from each other in the next year, my husband thought the fertilized embryos should automatically go to me. Why? Don’t you want them?  Or in the event we both died, he thinks the embryos should go to my mom. I wanted to nominated my very single 38 year old friend who I have known for the last 15+ years. I felt like she knows me best and she would be the best person to raise my child, as who else could tell my child about me, like only she knows. I thought it was a mutually beneficial decision. I guess there is practicality and then there is practicality. Also if we were to both die, I don’t really think it matters what would happen to those embryos.

How much can we really plan for right? So here I am eagerly awaiting the next blood test, ready to plunge into the next phase of this journey and wondering how much do I really know anything any more?

 

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