I could have been getting hugs and kisses and love and perhaps a handmade card and a nice little jewelry box from my husband. Today I could be celebrating mother’s day with two of my children. An older boy who would have just turned 2 and a younger daughter who would be barely 5 months. There could have been picture taken that we would have held dear for all of our lives. I would perhaps be very tired from nursing my new born and have my mom cook me my favorite meal. We would have celebrated this day together.
But that wasn’t meant to be. I have a certain ache in my heart thinking of the could be, would be and perhaps. Life has other plans I tell myself today. The mind wanders to orphaned children in this world. How their heart aches to get love and mine to give. I think of all the unwanted/unplanned pregnancies. Mothers who neglected and abused their children make me angry. I am not alone, I remind myself. There are many who want to have children and cannot or who got pregnant but lost their babies. I don’t particularly care for women who are undecided. Right now that is making me angry too.
I don’t want to be an unreasonable or angry person. So I call my mom. She always puts life into perspective and reminds me that I am more than my loss and suffering. I am not sure if I should wish her today. She doesn’t subscribe to these days. She calls them Hallmark days (Hallmark makes money off these days). I wish her anyway. She thanks me and immediately asks me about my graduation ceremony last week. I sense her pride as I tell her about my walk and the high praise my professors bestowed upon me. She asks me about my thesis and my future plans. She wants to buy me a graduation present. She is adamant. She says “her baby” deserves it.
For a moment I forget my pain and I think of what to ask. In that moment I realize how truly blessed I am. I have a mother who loves me and supports me and thinks the world of me. I have the best role model in my mother not only as a human being but professionally. I have experienced unconditional love and undying support. I have seen her be the pillar of strength and hold my family together. I have an anchor in her, not many can boast of. I don’t think anything can surpass such a unique gift all wrapped into one.
I tell her I have her and that is all I’ll ever need. Thank you and Happy Mother’s day mom!
Filed under Culture, Death, Disappointments, Emotions, Experiences, Life, Loss, Love, musings, Pain, Personal, Relationships, Sad
I pass by ice-cream trucks everyday. I have no desire to eat one. I do however smile each time. On your return I’m going to enjoy bullying you to share one with me. It struck me this morning, it’s you that brings out the child in me not the ice cream.
Filed under Bonding, Life, Love, Marriage, Men, musings, partner, Personal, Relationships, Short, Thoughts
Last week starting Sunday had to be the best and the worst week for me this year.
Sunday kicked off Diwali celebrations in our new apartment. I wasn’t up to company, celebrations, or even embracing the new place. I am not very good with change. But perhaps change is exactly what we needed.
I love birthdays in general. Mine most of all. EVERYONE should know that. This year has been miserably tough. Every birthday I am reminded that I lost my first baby just a day after my birthday. This year I had hoped my second baby would make it to my birthday so we could have had a fighting chance. That didn’t happen either. I almost didn’t want to live through the day, because I didn’t know if I had it in me to face the potential burst of emotions.
The birthday came despite my denial with a promise that four days later it would be my husband’s. The old man turned 40 this year. I decided to give him a birthday he could feel loved, honored and appreciated for who he is! So I took solace that I had something else to think about.
Last week my husband and I experienced pouring in of love, affection, hugs, phone calls and messages. People came out in numbers to join us in our attempt to celebrate life that exists and forget even if for just a second of the life that didn’t make it. I am touched by the effort our friends made to take time out of their busy schedules to ensure we were made to feel special and loved.
Even though this was a tough week to live by, the universe had other plan for us. With the love we have experienced in the last one week, I feel we are stronger and more prepared for the challenges that lie ahead of us. I got to make my husband feel loved and appreciated and nothing makes me happier than a 40 year old man, feel like a young boy again.
A very happy birthday to both of us! I am ready for the world again 🙂
Filed under Birthday, Blogging, Bonding, Camaraderie, Celebration, Challenges, Death, Decisions, Disappointments, Emotions, Experiences, Friends, Healing, Life, Loss, Love, New York, People, Rants, Relationships, Society, Thoughts
Five things that don’t help when you have just lost a 6 month fetus!
1. Well wishers tip toeing around you. They want to say something “right”. But they have absolutely no clue what to say. There is no right or wrong. We lost a child. Or the potential of being a real person. We lost our dreams and hopes and aspirations. We lost our own potential. It’s like doing everything you could to get a job, you go through 6 rounds of interviews. In your gut you think you got it this time. Why would you get to the 6th round of it wasn’t meant to be. And yet the job goes to another candidate. Nothing against the other candidate. But why not me? So yeah. There is no “right” thing to say. But say something. It’s a freaking huge loss. Don’t hide behind political correctness.
2. People telling you, it wasn’t meant to be. Something better is in store for you. This I feel is the worst. This is probably the most true, but it’s also the worst thing to tell a would be mother. It seems like getting pregnant isn’t what it used to be. You know two people have awkward sex at the back of the car and wham! Positive test. It takes months and years of trying, doctors visits, medical treatments, artificial insemination/fertilizations yada-yaad-ya. And even then there are no guarantees. Then the ensuing pregnancy related issues of nausea, taste changes, gi upsets, mood swings, etc etc. Accompanied by doctors visits, injections, tests and more tests. When finally things settle and you start to feel the slightest hint of life inside -those sweet kicks. Then to lose a child. You got to be freaking kidding me. Something better??? Why wasn’t this it? I was so ready to put it all behind me.
3. Everyone around you seems to be getting pregnant and having healthy babies. How does that happen??? Why didn’t I get my success story? Some of my friends are having their second child. When they want that child- like on demand. And here it took me 16 months to get pregnant that too with help. I want to know what they are doing differently.
4. Your mom comes to your rescue. I’m sure women like their mums to be around. The whole mother-daughter relationship, understanding, bonds of love, etc. I don’t particularly relate to that. I have a pretty kickass mom. She was on a 15 hour flight to the US within 4 hours of being told, that I was taken to the hospital. She felt rightly so that we would need her. And we do. Just to have another human being, the most well meaning, caring, fabulous cook of an awesome person that she is. However, she insists on daily massages, an agarbatti to the gods, three meals, cheerful conversations and ice cream after every meal. I feel like I need to indulge in her before she loses her shit. She is barely holding it together being brave and strong for her daughter. But I see the pain she feels for her little girl in her eyes.
5. Having the best husband/ partner in life. If the man you lost a baby with was a bit of a scumbag, then you could throw a tantrum, stay in a bad mood, eat what you wanted to and shut him out of your life. Just to make sense of what life threw at you. But when you see relief intermixed with fear in the eyes of your man as you get wheeled out of the OR, feeling empty and defeated rather than pain and disappointment, you can’t push your rock away. You want to hold them and grieve your loss together. Sometimes you just don’t know how. We make promises of staying strong together. We tell each other we love each other. We promise we won’t give up. We hope to learn and grow from this experience. We will. Yet I know we both are struggling with the pain we each feel our ourselves and for each other.
Filed under Advice, Attitude, Camaraderie, Challenges, Communication, Condolences, Conversations, Culture, Death, Disappointments, Dreams, Emotions, Environment, Expectations, Experiences, Faith, Fears, Healing, Life, Loss, Love, Love hurts, Marriage, Pain, partner, People, Personal, Rants, Relationships, Society, Thoughts, Update, Wishes
First day of the 8th month of 2016! Below is where I am with my plans. Everything in bold is already done and dusted. Those in italics are a work in progress. Life has changed, plans have changed accordingly.
More important than the list that is only pertinent to my life is that life happens and just keeps happening. Plans are just plans. Something work out and other things stop being a priority. I like plans. They keep me on point. They remind me of all the things I have always wanted to do or considered important enough for me at some point to be done.
But that’s not how life turns out. I think it has been the most humbling experience of my life. Nothing has really worked out the way I have planned it. There came a time when I even stopped planning and there in lays the problem. I’ve learned that no plan is a sure path to failure. So that changed thanks to this list.
- Drink more water, 10K steps daily at a minimum
- Read the newspaper daily, not monthly
- Complete Master’s thesis – converted to PhD in Clinical Service
- Complete all pending research papers
- Write at least one paper every 3 months- working on several projects
- Network on a daily basis
- Get a better job- daily work in progress
- Log in a daily thought- daily work in progress
- Learn to bake bread, try new recipes, try new cuisines
- Meal prep weekly, weigh my food, log food, water and exercise diligently
- Weight training, swimming, yoga to be incorporated in weekly routines
- Read articles, books that don’t include school work, research articles, and news.
- Blog/Instagram/ Write reviews regularly. Make a schedule and stick with it.
- Sort out pending paper work from last year
- Continue and increase recycling- remember almost everything can be recycled
- Continue and do better with minimalistic living
- Let go of people, places, ideas and thoughts that don’t want to stay
- Remember that money saved is money earned
- Invest in property
- Travel to a destination outside of the US- Europe 🙂
- Learn Spanish-this is the year
*Joey from F.R.I.E.N.D.S way of saying hello..:)
Filed under Blogging, Camaraderie, Challenges, Communication, Culture, Decisions, Determination, Disappointments, Environment, Expectations, Faith, Fears, focus, Friends, Goal, Health, Hope, Issues, Living my life, Love, Milestones, Motivation, Personal, Relationships, Society, Success, Thoughts, Wishes
The brain is very fuzzy this morning. Complete lack of clarity does not help when the to do list begs to run out of the page you are trying to jot down the to-do list. I don’t know where to start, where to keep going, where to restart, what to let go and what to prioritize.
Being a student/resident/career woman is tough when married. Technically, I don’t get asked to chose. I am free to do whatever I want. Sometimes I wonder if that only exists on paper. When I chose my family over my work, I often get told that I wasn’t asked anything of. Where in lies the problem. I get no credit for struggling through my own priorities to include what I hold dearest to me. My friends, family, my husband. It is tiresome to be self-less.
School is challenging. One should know that especially if it has been 15 plus years since last school attended. The people you go to school with are so much younger, smarter, quicker with everything. It is annoying to say the least. Just staying awake in class after a whole day of being an adult gets tough at times. I feel a twinge of jealousy when I see young people in the library until 10 pm slogging away on their homework and then going to the nearest pub to blow off steam. I wouldn’t mind doing that at times but then age kicks in. At 10 I would rather be in my bed than at some bar.
A mean selfish streak is essential for survival, I am beginning to realize. Yes better late than never definitely applies to this one writing this blog. When my husband first told me that I have to stop being there for everyone and start prioritizing myself I seriously judged his upbringing. Now, several years down the line as I see people stamp over others and get ahead in life, while I find myself struggling I am beginning to wonder if we are still working with the survival of the fittest phenomenon. Being nice doesn’t get you any place.
On that cheery and happy note, happy hump day all of you peeps. Hope spring is being good to you!
Filed under Blogging, Bonding, Camaraderie, Career, Challenges, Communication, Conversations, Decisions, Determination, Disappointments, Dreams, Emotions, Environment, Expectations, Experiences, focus, Friends, Goal, Hope, Issues, Life, Living my life, Love, Marriage, Milestones, Motivation, partner, People, Personal, Priorities, Rants, Relationships, Resolutions, Society, Thoughts, Update, Wishes
Shall we let this be our little secret? Or is it mine alone. I know the truth. Yet my heart is soaring high as endless possibilities lie before me!