Category Archives: Advice

We will be okay!

For anyone that is worried, this is the storm before the calm. We don’t have control over a lot of things in our life. But the drama has to play out. And that is all that it is. Humans are resilient people. We have faced many atrocities and we have always come out better and stronger. So fear not! We will be okay.

We need to do the best we can. For most part we don’t even do the best we can do for ourselves. So let’s start there. Pay attention to yourself, your health, family, work and things you do for fun. Once you have done that, think about the world you live in. This earth is important. So help it out. Waste less, recycle more. We will be okay.

Take a deep breath. It isn’t over, even if it may feel like that. I tell you again, as I tell myself: We will be okay.

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We have to talk about the elephant in the room

  1. I am an Indian (Brown) immigrant in the United States. I have been here for 3 election cycles but I do not have the right to vote yet.
  2. I have friends both democrat and republican and we have been friends for over 12 years now.
  3. I have the benefit of not choosing sides, and I have the ability to look at things from an “outsider’s” point of view.
  4. I have hope for my adopted country.

Well after that disclaimer, I feel we need to talk to one another now more than ever. There was a CNN news piece that people weren’t going to be with their families over thanksgiving this year. That was just disheartening. Doesn’t matter what our political allegiance may be, I don’t think families should be affected by it.

Having said that, I feel we are very deeply affected. When a friend of mine who is a nurse at a hospital I used to intern at, was fervently supportive of Donald Trump, it made me question a few things.

  1. Did she not really like me as I did take up a position that could have gone to an American white doctor.
  2. Does she think I should go back to India?
  3. Does she not care about what the leader of this nation believes in, whether or not he respects women, people of color, considers climate change to be real and really truly cares about the working class.
  4. Her support of Donald Trump made me wonder what she truly felt about me.
  5. It made me question the future of our friendship.

I have time and again played back the years of knowing her. She was the only one I confided in about my deepest fears and darkest thoughts. I knew she would get me. At that time she did. I have been deeply troubled about the foundation of our friendship.

I knew I had to stop letting her posts on Facebook stop affecting me. I know heart of hearts, she is the same person she was when we became friends. She and I have grown up together as people and we have had each other’s back when no one else knew that we were crumbling. No politics can take that away from us.

So I decided I am not going to let petty politics change my love for her, my attitude towards her, and if need be I will stop following her on Facebook. What about the rest of the Facebook posts. People justifying their choice of Trump and being okay with “losing friends” over Facebook. ¬†What about those that fear or feel angry at people who did chose Trump claiming that they will delete those different from them.

I see a cry for acceptance, fear, desperation. I see the need to talk more, engage more, think more and act more. I already see people getting more involved with their community. I see people voicing themselves a little stronger/louder. I feel a little can go a long way and even though some of us think we are doomed, I see hope. A little adversity always brings out the best in people. Also, Facebook is not a measure of our relationships, people.

With that out in the open, I wish you all a very happy Thanksgiving weekend and a very happy holiday season.

 

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Friday fives

Five things that don’t help when you have just lost a 6 month fetus!

1. Well wishers tip toeing around you. They want to say something “right”. But they have absolutely no clue what to say. There is no right or wrong. We lost a child. Or the potential of being a real person. We lost our dreams and hopes and aspirations. We lost our own potential. It’s like doing everything you could to get a job, you go through 6 rounds of interviews. In your gut you think you got it this time. Why would you get to the 6th round of it wasn’t meant to be. And yet the job goes to another candidate. Nothing against the other candidate. But why not me? So yeah. There is no “right” thing to say. But say something. It’s a freaking huge loss. Don’t hide behind political correctness. 
2. People telling you, it wasn’t meant to be. Something better is in store for you. This I feel is the worst. This is probably the most true, but it’s also the worst thing to tell a would be mother. It seems like getting pregnant isn’t what it used to be. You know two people have awkward sex at the back of the car and wham! Positive test. It takes months and years of trying, doctors visits, medical treatments, artificial insemination/fertilizations yada-yaad-ya. And even then there are no guarantees. Then the ensuing pregnancy related issues of nausea, taste changes, gi upsets, mood swings, etc etc. Accompanied by doctors visits, injections, tests and more tests. When finally things settle and you start to feel the slightest hint of life inside -those sweet kicks. Then to lose a child. You got to be freaking kidding me. Something better??? Why wasn’t this it? I was so ready to put it all behind me. 
3. Everyone around you seems to be getting pregnant and having healthy babies. How does that happen??? Why didn’t I get my success story? Some of my friends are having their second child. When they want that child- like on demand. And here it took me 16 months to get pregnant that too with help. I want to know what they are doing differently. 
4. Your mom comes to your rescue. I’m sure women like their mums to be around. The whole mother-daughter relationship, understanding, bonds of love, etc. I don’t particularly relate to that. I have a pretty kickass mom. She was on a 15 hour flight to the US within 4 hours of being told, that I was taken to the hospital. She felt rightly so that we would need her. And we do. Just to have another human being, the most well meaning, caring, fabulous cook of an awesome person that she is. However, she insists on daily massages, an agarbatti to the gods, three meals, cheerful conversations and ice cream after every meal. I feel like I need to indulge in her before she loses her shit. She is barely holding it together being brave and strong for her daughter. But I see the pain she feels for her little girl in her eyes. 
5. Having the best husband/ partner in life. If the man you lost a baby with was a bit of a scumbag, then you could throw a tantrum, stay in a bad mood, eat what you wanted to and shut him out of your life. Just to make sense of what life threw at you. But when you see relief intermixed with fear in the eyes of your man as you get wheeled out of the OR, feeling empty and defeated rather than pain and disappointment, you can’t push your rock away. You want to hold them and grieve your loss together. Sometimes you just don’t know how. We make promises of staying strong together. We tell each other we love each other. We promise we won’t give up. We hope to learn and grow from this experience. We will. Yet I know we both are struggling with the pain we each feel our ourselves and for each other. 

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Forgive me

For I am going to sin. I hope that I never lose a friend in you. I hope you will remember that it is your advice I am finally taking.

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The power of positive thinking.

Dr. Norman Vincent Peale.

Believe in yourself.

A peaceful mind generates power.

Prayer power.

Stop fuming and fretting.

Do not believe in defeat.

Break the worry habit.

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