It doesn’t begin even after it has…

Countless couples like me and my husband did everything in our 20’s not to have children. In our 30’s we are doing everything to have at least one child. Each one of us has our own different struggle stories. That, it is raining babies provides some sort of solace. But then it would be a lie to say it doesn’t hurt just a little bit every time we hear of our friends and family having a baby. Every month we go through the cycle of reliving our  disappointment yet again.

We hold on to hope day in and day out. We pray, we become the support the other needs. We remind ourselves that we are there for each other and that no matter what we love each other. We are each other’s anchors, because this journey can really drain you emotionally, physically, not to mention financially.

Yet we both have come to realize that having a baby isn’t the end of it. In the recent months we have been exposed to a different side to parenting. No one tells you about their autistic child, or their five year old who is diagnosed of Crohn’s disease. No one tells you how much parents worry about the health of their child, or how much their life changes. How saving for college takes on a whole new meaning. No one tells you that even when their child becomes an adult parents spend sleepless nights when they know their child is struggling. I guess not enough likes for reality.

No one tells you that if you think having a baby is tough, you have no idea what having a baby really means.

 

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17 Comments

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17 responses to “It doesn’t begin even after it has…

  1. GM

    A former colleague is going through a similar thing. She even left the job to be able to pursue medical options. These range from allopathic options to visiting traditional medicine practitioners. The physical pain of the IVF cycles aside, the emotional and mental weights that she carries is gut wrenching. She is willing to try almost anything if it would mean being able to conceive and carry they baby to term. I can’t even imagine how getting her period every month must feel like for her.Having to long for something so intensely and live with uncertainty and disappointment not knowing if things will ever be different. Forget the social pressures of having a child, what if it is something that you intensely want for yourself? It is a reminder to everyone to count the blessings that do exist and hold on to them as you make your way forward. I rarely know what words of support or consolation to offer and I can only say I hope you make it. And haha, like you say, having a baby isn’t the end of it. God alone knows my mother will have a lot to say on this 🙂

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    • SA

      I have a friend too who had to terminate her pregnancy because it was ectopic. She couldn’t get pregnant for a long time and then later she opted for IVF. I have never seen so determined to bring a baby to this world. I often ask her reasons and every time she says -” Yeah, thats what you are supposed to do and make it happen”.. I am not fully convinced of this answer though but pretty sure that this struggle makes her happy!

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      • GM

        Hi SA, lest my comment be misinterpreted, I am not judging anybody their reasons. The longing for anything and the struggle to get it is personal. You might feel it for your marathons. I may not be fully convinced about your struggles to train for and finish them, but it is something that you perhaps fiercely cherish and it makes you happy doing it. I don’t think we need to be convinced about anybody’s personal desires and their struggles. My comment stemmed out of a sense of solidarity and nothing else.

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        • SA

          Nooo, I am not judging right and wrong but just wondering what all she needs to endure as a part of her treatment.. When I say that I am not convinced I mean that I am not convinced if I can take such a big step for this reason “This is what you are supposed to do and make it happen”. I always thought that people had bigger, larger than life and grand reasons for something like this. I think it was the simplicity of her statement which really amused me 🙂

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    • It’s hard for me. Some women handle it better than others. Most women don’t even talk about it. We struggle internally. It bothers me that women aren’t more vocal about it. When I opened up about my 5 month miscarriage, I received advice ranging from don’t talk about it, to you aren’t the only one. I’ve decided to be some place in the middle as we need to bring about more awareness. Women and men who want to have a baby need to adopt healthier lifestyles, stay focused and sometimes make it a full time job. But it doesn’t need to come to this.

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      • As for words of kindness, there aren’t any rules. Anything that is non judgmental, not condescending and meant genuinely always works! Thanks! 😀

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        • GM

          I understand and I hope things get better for you. Can’t even imagine what it must feel like to lose a baby and you should do just what you feel like in terms of disclosure because that is what will help you. I hope you find the strength and the support to see this through. I am a part of many women and parenting support groups on Facebook as part of my research. I see women bravely sharing their stories and receiving reassurance in return and I hope you have something similar to be able to lean on and talk.

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  2. SA

    I am not sure how I really feel about having a baby but most days it is driven out of others lives. I hear news and it makes me cringe a little. I am happy for them but at the same time a tad disappointed. That said, I am still not sure what I want.. I guess, I need to grow up!

    We all have our stories, struggles and expectations and hopefully we all will figure out in due time. If it happens it happens and if it doesn’t then I will live and accept..

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    • The acceptance becomes hard, as a lot of women consider the lack of a baby as a personal failure. Society doesn’t help in this matter as no one really has open discussions about infertility or issues about pregnancy in the 30’s. I didn’t say all , as some women can be practical and like you said accept the reality and live with it. Motivations differ, and it’s personal. To each his own of course.

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  3. I remember feeling the exact same way. I have two boys now but remember the long years before them. Hold on.

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  4. I have never wanted to have a child. But I can understand the longing and desire of people who do and then the gut wrenching feeling when it doesn’t seem to happen. I will always stand by, it’s not the end of everything, especially because I don’t think I can handle the everyday realities of having a child. I have seen far too many couples losing sleep over the baby’s health, the future. But I have also seen couples who really want children can easily look past these daily worries, or actually want a baby despite it. I really wish there was a way where having babies is doubly easier for couples who want them, and very hard for those who don’t. If only.

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    • True, if only. But you know what actually happens right? People who don’t really care about having babies, will pop out a few with no trouble. I have seem couples lose everything to have a child. I don’t think I will go that crazy. But as long as my doctors and we as a couple want to fight this we will. I have some limits, that I hope I don’t get to, or cross if I do.

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  5. “not enough likes for reality” – what a beautifully penned phrase. 🙂

    I wish you all the very best with trying to get pregnant. There are always more ways to have babies than to make one, but of course, to each their own and I hope you don’t have to think about crossing limits and that you have a baby before that. Here if you want to talk. Missed reading through your page – I should try and check in more regularly… 🙂

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