I was delayed by two days. The longest two days of my life. As soon as I made an entrance I knew there was no place for me, my emotions, my feelings. I had to be the father, the mother, the daughter, the sister, the wife, the niece, the daughter-in-law. I had to play every role that I was ever entrusted to play, but myself. At the time it was okay.
As the hours passed by and I took on the reigns of the doer, I realized I was doing everything back stage. I was the backbone, the foundation, the strength, the pillar and yet my name, my presence was no where to be seen or to be felt. At the time I felt I was meant to do what I was doing. At the time it was okay.
There is a Hindu ritual called “pagadi rasam”. It is the passing of the responsibilities from father to son after the death of the father. This one troubled me the most. I wondered why my mother wasn’t involved in the ritual when she knew my father the best. Or me since I was the child that knew my father the best and was closest to him. I struggled with my emotions and the roles I was asked to play. Which at this particular ritual was to stay hidden and uninvolved.
It is 4 years since and I continue to play the roles I took on that day. I am the father, the mother, the daughter, the sister, the wife, the niece, the daughter-in-law. I continue to question those very rituals and I continue to struggle with my emotions. Just because they said so, it doesn’t make it right.