Saying good-bye has never been easy. And just like that we had to. You were taken away from us. I wasn’t prepared. How could I be? For the last 5 months I had done everything I could to keep you safe and healthy. I was almost a different person. Mama bear comes to mind. All the tests, all the scans showed us you were perfect. We were okay. And yet.. they called it a freak accident.
Freak it was and just that like you are gone. Our prefect sweet baby.
It is going to take us sometime to get back to normal. I don’t think we will know normal ever. There will always be questions and fears and most of all the sadness of never letting you have the chance. We knew we had challenging days ahead of us but we were ready. I can safely say you made me a better person everyday. I was learning to be more patient, more compassionate and perhaps a little kinder. I was beginning to know what pain felt like, what fear of losing meant and what it felt to love someone unconditionally.
I am trying not to put blame. I want to savor the moments we have thoroughly enjoyed. Finding out we were pregnant. Hiking the grand canyon. Driving the route 69. My first visit to Vegas. Hearing your heart beats, see you grow, feel you kick. Telling our closest friends and family. The thrill you brought into all our lives. Finally watching the Wicked and feel you kick with every soaring score. It was the best birthday weekend your father and I had in a long time. And for all those amazing times I can never thank you enough.
I am sorry we didn’t do a better job of keeping you safe. Don’t ever think we will forget you. You have made us better for all of the 5 months that you were in our lives. We hope you will have siblings one day. We hope to tell them about you. We hope they will know that you made us better parents. Or maybe we will keep you our little secret.
No matter what, you will forever remain your father’s and my favorite little sweet baby boy.