I hope you know.. Originally written on 9/10/2014

I have been an emotional roller coaster. They say hormones can do that to you. I’ve had plenty of ups and downs so far. I was completely pooped out but now I feel more in control which is awesome. I am 12 weeks and one day today!

I have some bad news and some lack of news yet. Partly why these posts are drafts.

I have been diagnosed with diabetes. I knew it was coming sooner than it hits most people. It was almost like I was waiting for it. But 20 pounds lighter and much more active, I wasn’t expecting it to hit so quick. I think you tipped the balance a bit. I am grateful for it. I know that doesn’t make sense. But you know I haven’t felt this responsible in a long time. You remind me of all the times I promised myself that if you ever came into our lives, I would do everything in my power to be a good parent. That is all we are going to aim for now. Good is good enough.

I got CVS done a few days ago. I will know the results a few days later. We decided to know if it would be right to bring you into this world. It sounds harsh and believe me it is. Every ultrasound I have watched you grow. I have heard your heartbeat. You are probably the size of a lemon right now, but you have arms and legs and you do flips and suck at your thumb. You said hi the last time we were at the sonographer’s. No matter how many times I tell myself I should not get attached, we are already so attached. I even saw your chord. How can we not be? We made you. You didn’t ask to be made, we did anyway. Soon we will be presented with data in a few weeks that will beg us to make some decisions.

I always knew that I wouldn’t bring a special needs child into this world. Your father has been on board. For my old eggs and inability to create a perfect you, I did not want to subject a child to this world. It isn’t easy when you have all your faculties going for you, it is even harsher for someone with special needs. Until I saw you it was such a practical decision. Now, I pray all the time. I already don’t want to lose you.

I don’t know if it is the hormones, or the fact that I know you are being so strong and dealing being in my body that I know it will completely break my heart if I couldn’t keep you. Will you understand that your parents, put their own feelings aside to ensure we didn’t bring you into this world to struggle?

A lot of people may not agree with us, but your father and I have to do what we think is right for you and for us. I cannot wait to see you grow and give birth to you and talk to you. You are my first and no matter what happens I hope you know you will always be the most special to us.



Filed under Decisions, Emotions, Fears, Issues, Life, Pain, Personal, Pregnancy, Sad, Thoughts

6 responses to “I hope you know.. Originally written on 9/10/2014

  1. SA

    You have captured your emotions so beautifully.
    Lovely post.. My fingers are crossed for you. Trust me.


  2. Congratulations, det! I really hope all goes well and everything is perfectly fine. I am so glad that you are trying to be as practical as possible. Love.


  3. Congratulations!!! I had gestational diabetes with both my pregnancies. I was insulin dependent, but the diabetes went away when I delivered. Best of luck for a happy and healthy pregnancy.

    Liked by 1 person

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