Ni fu ni fa.

I want to say I was busy. But I felt like I was lost.

In emotions. I am battling the battle of letting go of my individuality. I am letting another make a place in my life. It isn’t easy I realise. I feel claustrophobic at the drop of a hat. Which explains my bad choice in partners in the past. I always look for the one’s I know wont last. It has been self destructive if I were to be honest to myself. This new emotion has left me scared, enamoured, confused, apprehensive, excited all at the same time. It is not easy to find your way in these emotions.

With applications. The season for applying to residency programs is just around the corner. I know I have done what every other applicant has. After knowing that I have to do more; I haven’t. I don’t know why the lack of effort when I want this so bad. Or do I? I ask myself. The answer doesn’t come easy.

By language.I am trying to learn a language in a few months. How is one supposed to find a way to do that. How does one day ni fu ni fa and sound like they have done it all their life. I have realised that one cannot translate every thing in English and expect to get things right. “Sounds good” is a relative term. I can learn if I made an effort. I am lost in the world of tortillas, Flamenco and Corridas de Toros.

I will be making a move again. It is hard once you get used a place. The momentum, the air, the life, the people, the rickshaw fare. By the time phone numbers get added to my phone list, it is time to leave. For dreams to get fulfilled. For a life I want but I don’t know yet. I am finding my way through all the suitcases I have lived out of.

Some day I know I will get there.

ps: ni fu ni fa in Spanish is a phrase which means neither good nor bad.

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