The last time I felt similar anxiety was before one of my vivas. The feeling of not being able to come up with the right answer is daunting.
This time the feeling was worse. I had no answers. I was going to step into an area I know nothing of.
I am aware of my handicap of seeing beyond the box. I don’t know why 2 educated seemingly normal people can’t stand the thought of each other. Or why a mother loves her children no matter how they treat her. Why a father has a tear in his eye when he watches his child sleep in his arms. Why the sky and the wind and the water appear full of life when in love. I don’t understand the concept of friendship, love or time for that matter.
Yet I decided to take this step. Was it for me or for a friend. I wasn’t sure. But I was ready to take the plunge. Some times knowing you will find a friend at the other end of that plunge is a comforting thought. One doesn’t know for sure. But one cannot know unless you take the fall.
Few phone calls were made in preparation , only to realise no matter what I did I was not going to be prepared for what was to come.
Conversations over coffee. And cookies this time!
I didn’t need any sugar for the buzz I felt. The company of three extremely talented individuals can do much more for the soul than any amount of sugar or coffee or even chocolate . I realised. We discussed colours, perceptions, life, death, daughters, mother-in-laws, art and artists and freedom of expression.
I may still not know anything about the area of expertise of the three very talented people that I met. But I have come back realising that it is I who restricts myself. I can free my thought process and think beyond the box. That isn’t a function of what is around me, it is a function of what I allow it to be.