Are we really good enough?

Inarguably I come from the generation of young Indian women who have no idea what they really want in life. Personal life that is.Our mothers didn’t want us to go through what they did. Our fathers didn’t want to be the clichéd 60’s dad who didn’t educate their daughters.So here we are a breed of intelligent, smart, confident, sexual beings who can probably get any job available in the market at whims and fancy.But how capable are we of finding the right man, marrying him and then keeping that marriage.

The number of break-ups, divorces and bad marriages in my generation of young people is at an all time high. I am not getting into whose fault it is. I would just like to know how did our mothers make their marriages work. For so long at that.

I consider myself a very adjusting person. Having lived out of home for over 10 years now,in 4 countries, with over 20 room mates, I think I have it all figured. I can live any where, with any one. In my current living situation I have volunteered to cook food every day. For four adults. I also walk the dog two times a day. No complaints. It isn’t the 2/3 hours a day that I have to spend on the chores that bothers me. It is the responsibility associated with the act of providing 2 square meals a day. The days I don’t feel like cooking, there is no hot meal for me to eat. This annoys me, but it isn’t the end of the world. I sometimes wonder would I be as unaffected by lack of sensitivity by the person I end up marrying.

Will I really be able to put up with having to be responsible for any thing else but me? All the time? Is this the strain that most couples are buckling under? There were times when my mother said she needed a holiday. Those times were rare and very few. She has been a working mother. I don’t ever remember her complaining. Did she know when she got into a marriage, how demanding her life would get? How much of herself she would have to let go to keep her marriage and bring up her children.

Is that some thing the girls of my generation aren’t capable of? Or we don’t want to invest as much of our selves to make relationships work? I don’t understand people harping about women’s rights. I think a lot of us are beyond those issues. Where I come from I battle different demons. No matter what I achieve  will I ever be good enough.

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11 Comments

Filed under Communication, Culture, Expectations, Experiences, Facts, Fears, Issues, Life, People, Questions., Relationships, Society, Thoughts

11 responses to “Are we really good enough?

  1. Perhaps considering work in itself is misleading. Everything we do in life – work, leisure, love – is a burden or a gift depending on the meaning and purpose we are able to attribute it. And, to a certain extent, the control which we are able to exercise over it.

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  2. Oscarandre:
    I agree about creating a link between perspectives and perceptions.

    welcome to my blog.

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  3. very true……I don’t know how our moms managed… it is of course easier in India..with extended family and also servants…

    But I agree….it’s all about how you look at it…as a chore or a labour of love…and of course it helps to have an understanding and supportive husband too!

    one thought: can it be that the men of the previous generation were more appreciative of the fact that their women were breaking previous stereotypes…where as todays generation take it as a matter of fact and hence have higher expectations?? or is it that women today are more competitive at the workplace and are therefore under more stress?

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  4. hmmmmm

    further to l leo, theres an implicit assumption that this IS a generation of superwomen, who CAN DO so should do

    we are far less tolerant now of any aberrations than the previous generations were

    each house has to conform to certain minimum standards of aesthetics

    each household has to conform to a hospitality norm of how to put up guests whether over for an hour or for a stay

    each menu has to be balanced AND attractive AND tasty

    each family has to have the requisite fun quotient of outings and other fun activities

    each unit has to be a highly efficient economic entity

    each family has to be the perfect social unit

    each woman as to be beautiful gifted graceful intelligent accomplished independent productive and what have you!!!

    reminds me of a passge from Pride & Prejudice:

    “Oh! certainly,” cried his faithful assistant, “no one can be really esteemed accomplished, who does not greatly surpass what is usually met with. A woman must have a thorough knowledge of music, singing, drawing, dancing, and the modern languages, to deserve the word; and besides all this, she must possess a certain something in her air and manner of walking, the tone of her voice, her address and expressions, or the word will be but half deserved.”

    “All this she must possess,” added Darcy, “and to all this she must yet add something more substantial, in the improvement of her mind by extensive reading.”

    “I am no longer surprised at your knowing only six accomplished women. I rather wonder now at your knowing any.”

    😀

    So perhaps its not something limited to this generation alone- only the cummulative baggage of all generations past, which has the additional load of the fast paced and impatient present generation too which is making us wonder whether we are good enough!

    and then again, most of this questioning is still pretty much limited to women- as erica jong said, show me a woman who does not feel guilty and i’ll show you a man- may be its time some of this ‘guilt’ or worry about being good or good enough needs to be shifted to the other half too?

    Thanks for providing me an opportunity for this loooooooong rant- a break from where i am slogging for the exams, family, self etc.. Hope you don’t mind terribly 😛

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  5. Lazy Leo:
    Thank you for your comment. Even if it is labour of love it is labour. It is a concious decision to give a part of yourself to something we love. It is a commitment which seems to be taking far greater effort than it seemed to have taken in the past.

    Possible @ expectations. How ever no matter what generation we come from there will always be that expectation to deal with. My question how good is my generation at dealing with the expectations presented to it.

    Shankari:
    I couldn’t appreciate your out burst. For the number of female readers of this blog, the response has been limited. I suppose it is a reflection of how we are not used to openly reflect upon ourselves.

    I am glad you have pointed out that this struggle isn’t generational. I wasn’t tying to imply that it was. I do how ever wonder why is my generation so inept at keeping their commitments. What is lacking? Why aren’t we the women our mother’s are?

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  6. i believe we are impatient now. as a generation.
    and that doesn’t only go for women. there is always a choice
    available and the promise of what can be, is always
    more alluring than what is.

    i have met enough women who take up the ‘women’s lib’
    a tad too far. not knowing how to cook is not because of ineptitude
    or laziness anymore. not being gentle or responsive to affection
    is not because ‘you shouldn’t expect me to behave like your mom!’

    the only reason why our mothers and theirs before them could
    make marriages work (my parents have been married for 30 years
    and still have lengthy conversations every day) is because they simply
    wanted to.

    today it is accepted to walk out. it is accepted to fall out of love.
    it is accepted to have a fling, because ‘at that moment, i was
    attracted to him’.

    forgive me, as this comes from a male persp. from a male who is again, socially well-adjusted. living alone for more than a decade (though not in
    4 countries) and been with enough women to get more and more confused
    each time he is with one.

    the expectations from this generation, though is simple.
    where you go and how fast you go. and in the process
    if you have dropped a few things, so be it.

    also i hope for your sake you dont end up being unaffected by an
    insensitive partner. you simply don’t deserve one 🙂

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  7. The Q is not whether you are good enough but whether you are happy being who you are! You don’t need to prove to anyone. Some points that you talked about are common to most men too such as the one about investing yourselves in relationships. And i have to ask, what is the purpose of that smiley at the end of the page? 🙂

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  8. I know many women of my parents’ generation who “made their marriage work” because they believed they had no alternative. One woman said to me, after I officiated the funeral of her husband, “I lived through his philandering and abuse for forty years of marriage. Now that he’s dead, I’m going to dance on the grave of the son-of-a-bitch.” I do not believe that she was alone in that attitude.

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  9. Phish:
    The concept that all those things are acceptable seem like excuses for not going that extra mile. I want to be committed and feel and hurt and know that inspite of it or better still because of it all, a relationship will be worth it.

    I really appreciate you taking the time to write out your thoughts out so clearly.

    GreyShades:
    The smiley is a part of the template. I had nothing to do with it. But you noticed. I am impressed.

    I agree with individualism. I don’t agree with not making an effort. Any thing work, family, commitments, deadlines worksheets heating a pizza whatever needs investment.

    Nick:
    Bad marriages versus no marriage. Of course I’ll chose the latter. Fair enough. What is the attitude I should adorn when I do get into a relationship?

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  10. All transitionary generations have a problem of coping – hopefully the next generation will get better at it.

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  11. Jolvin:
    I think each generation battles it’s own war. I hope each generation learns from the previous one.

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