To know or not to know.

Transition to junior college after the 10th grade was like being in a whole new world. With the good came the ugly.

I took a bus daily to get to my college. Mid way  a class fellow would get into the bus. At the exact same point he would  leave the bus on our return. For a year we never spoke to each other. When we did, he came with his list of do’s and don’ts. Don’t be seen talking to me in public. Don’t talk to me in college. Don’t  talk would have been an easier instruction to follow but I don’t think I was listening. His restrictions amused me, as we got along well. I never really gave his  nuances a thought.

10 years down the line I know better. I know he was probably protecting me from something I don’t even want to imagine. If I knew what; I might even want to thank him for not taking away a bit of my innocence.  I might  thank  him for letting me be me and putting up with my chatty self.

Should I thank every person who walked away from me for no reason or without giving me a reason. Should I pretend that each person who stopped talking to me for no reason was trying to be kind. Should I believe that every man I showed some interest in and who chickened away was trying to protect me from pain. Should I be grateful to all the people who did some thing bad for some thing good to happen.

Or can I tell them, don’t wait for time to make me feel better about your actions. Just tell me. I will understand. I am capable of doing so. Don’t make me go through the pain of not knowing.



Filed under Abstract, Communication, Disappointments, Emotions, Expectations, Experiences, Friends, Issues, Life, Loss, Men, Pain, People, Questions., Rants, Relationships, Society, Thoughts

13 responses to “To know or not to know.

  1. Earlier I could never figure this stuff out- then I did and knew I am ancient!

    Lovely post. Struck a chord.


  2. Shankari:
    Life has mysterious ways. I have stopped complaining. Now I just wait to understand her ways.


  3. Direct communication sometimes seems, to some folks, very difficult. Was he speaking of, but not naming, some taboo or cultural more? His “thou shalt nots” seem outlandish to me.


  4. Nick:
    I think he was a miscreant and he didn’t want me to be seen with him lest my name would be tarnished. He was definitely protecting me. But you are right there have been times when the don’ts have been outlandish.


  5. i know this is a smoke-free blog but forgive me, stupid as i am, to start typing with a full cigarette. but i had to write something after reading this post. i dont think you should be deprived of the right to know. self-inflicted or otherwise. whether it will keep us happier, i dont know. what i do know, is that it might leave you in a state of suspended ‘what if’. and that is worse.

    knowing helps us. whether we like it or not. and i want to know. so that i can know you better. and maybe, even myself. five years from now.


  6. I’d be happy to live in the moment but I can’t, because the moment I’m living in is thinkimg about another moment back in time. Finding answers, arriving to conclusions and getting closure is something each of us keep grappling with all the time. Sometimes even that ain’t enough, and I wonder how much of precious time in a lifetime we spend doing that. What a waste of time I think.


  7. interesting thought


  8. As Shankari says..
    Struck a chord.


  9. Sangeeta

    hmm .. now this was a random post!


  10. Phish:
    I will forgive you for lighting your cigarette just when you reached my blog on the strength of actually understanding what I was saying. But er..don’t make that cigarette thing a habit. 😛

    It isn’t closure I am looking for. I am just looking for people to find the guts in them to be honest with themselves before they even try and inflict their sorry selves on others.





  11. nice post…

    knowing always helps…maybe not at that moment…but as time passes, u know it was for the best.

    But sometimes it is best to be ignorant. Let me ask u this…if ur guy breaks up with u without telling u that he’s fallen in love with someone else and u come to know after a yr, what good does it do except the feeling of misery all your life? in fact u start to look at everyone with suspicion.



  12. Nisha:
    See that is where the difference in perception lies. If some one were to leave me for some one else and be honest about it atleast I would know he left me because he needed to be with some one else not because he couldn’t stand to be with me any more. I guess not just knowing but understanding also helps.


  13. Pingback: The nots and knows. « SUPERCALIFRAGILISTICEXPIALIDOCIOUS

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