Oh Hello there!

It’s been a while, hasn’t it. Do regular people still blog? Especially if they aren’t selling something or not being sold to?

I miss coming on here. Writing. Pretending to be an intellectual. I recall starting to write when I had a pretty lonely existence- 16 years ago according to wordpress. Life is definitely not lonely. Quite full and gratifying to be honest.

One can still yearn the need to write into the world. Someone out there is reading because they can and they want to. Not because they have to.

I was a buddying doctor back then. Life has come a long way since those early days of struggle. Sweet struggle indeed. Being established comes with its perks. One still mourns the loss of innocence and a heart full of hope.

Adulting is planned, deliberate. Intersting how the moves on the life’s chess board adopt a new tactic.

Not making any promises to myself, but ah it does feel to hear the sound of my thoughts being harmoniously typed onto this webpage by the furious dancing of my fingers on this keyboard. How much, have I missed this?

Goodbye 2018

And just like that we are a few days away from 2019. A brand new year! 2018 went by in the blink of an eye. Of course a lot happened. If it hadn’t how would this have been such a quick year? Is that a thing? We should make it a thing. A slow year, a quick year.

By my last count 9 sets of guests visited us over the summer. Even if they all stayed an average of a week with us- you do the Math. That is a bit more than 2 months of summer spent entertaining. Averages and Math doesn’t necessarily work for my family, so our guests spanned from mid-April to mid- September. We enjoy having guests coming over. We really do. Everyone however is blessed with that one family who drains your energy and makes you question everything about human behavior, relationships and entertaining. I think this one family completely drained us out and made us question some of our friendships.

That unrest led for us to take a very last minute and very short trip to Maine; a state I had never been to before. Some people at work go to Maine every chance they get, so I wanted to demystify the enigma that is Maine. It was a great decision. Wonderful part of the country in terms of terrain, geography, hiking trails, foods and ice-cream. The husband and I have never before woken up at 4 am to go see a sunrise, which we did in the great state of Maine. Enigma indeed. We got done with a 3 mile hike by 8 am and with breakfast by 10 am, leaving the rest of the day for us to do whatever we wanted to do.

That one experience helped me make a long desired change. I go to bed early and wake up early. It’s been a life long struggle and then one day, I made that switch. So yes one can change if they wanted to and you can always grow if you wanted to. Talking of growth, I withdrew from the PhD program and cut back from a lot of extra-curricular activities to give me some pause. I needed to work on myself, my relationships, health and priorities that had been taking a backseat for a long time.

Speaking of relationships, this year marks the 10th anniversary to my marriage to the most wonderful man I know. This relation has seen its share of ups and downs. In the past I have found myself focusing on the bad instead of the good. That I find is easy to do. Self-pity, sadness and grief are sticky. I’ve learned that we can focus on what we choose. I now choose to look at what we actually have in this marriage and not what we could have had. Letting go of the abstract is a process and I am beginning to believe a life long one at that.

Our love for travel continues and to satisfy that love we visited Portugal in the beginning of Fall. I cannot tell you enough how much I loved the country, the people, the food and the wine! Don’t miss the vinho verde or the port vine! Such a treat! It was also the place I had a mini mental break down. When one is having such a good time that one gets so relaxed that the adrenaline finally stops pumping, one is headed in the direction of a mini mental breakdown. What I mean by a mini mental breakdown is a no holding back full-on cry fest in a public train between Sintra and Lisbon.

It was probably my most public display of emotion. I agree it wasn’t polite to have the unsuspecting people of Portugal see my crying like I had lost a limb. Not to mention a completely clueless husband who had just planned and executed the perfect 10th anniversary get-away! I had just had the best time of my life with the man I consider more than my husband and I didn’t want to come back to my reality.

That was a big wake up call for me. Something essential/basic had changed and I was determined to get to the bottom of it. So the rest of the year, I have spent reacquainting myself with all the people who got left behind in the rut of life, doing things that I love and spending more time centering myself and investing in my own well-being. In that vein I took up plants as a new hobby. After killing scores of plants, I can finally be proud to say I have 11 thriving plants. I cannot wait until spring to get more.

At the age of forty, I can finally say I can have something thrive in my company. I was engulfed with the sorrow that nothing was willing to be born or grow with me. These thriving 11 plants, give me hope! The hopes of a baby- biological or otherwise live on!

That has been my 2018 in a nut-shell. How was your year? Have you made any plans for 2019? Are you ready to say good bye?

Not today..

An unusual text message. Unlikely person to send it. Unlikely time to get it. Something had to be wrong.  It was. I lost a part of my childhood instantaneously. I lost my mind, had my heart broken and my soul shattered. The one person I know I can always turn to, didn’t seem like the one I should turn to. Despair, pain, and loss of my footing is an unknown and uncomfortable place to be. Three weeks out now and I am still grappling with this new reality.

An unknown future lies ahead of me. Some of the uncertainty is my own making. Just like grief, some of us deal with stress with the five stages. I have surpassed denial and anger. Current state lies some where between depression and bargaining. Some days I want to give it all up and then other days, I remind myself I wasn’t born to give up. As in Finding Nemo, one just has to keep swimming.

An unlikely friendship could have been nurtured, but as time passes it seems to be very unlikely. There is very little space for disrespect, flakiness, and entitled behavior. Fully aware that it is hard to create bonds of friendship as an adult, I generally keep a high threshold for poor judgement and behavior. Something I have learned in my years of making and keeping good friends, is that if we believe we deserve good quality people in our life, then we don’t need to settle for poor quality relationships. We just have to keep the faith and continue striving for good.

Not all is lost as I start this year on a rather somber and humbling note.  I celebrated 9 years with my wonderful husband. We have laughed and cried together through this beautiful life journey. Despite its ups and downs I would go on this exact same journey with this man many many times over.  A quote by Ellen DeGeneres  perhaps summarizes my relationship a tad bit better, ” To be loved is wonderful, to be understood is profound”

So how has your new year been so far?

Being married..

..is not the same as being happily married. I consider it the most demanding political career one can juggle with other careers. I’ve said this before and I’ll hopefully keep saying it again. I have a good marriage. It doesn’t come easy for either of us is something I don’t often talk about. A good marriage is a daily work in progress requiring a daily reminder towards our commitments towards each other. This takes effort, restraint, thinking and lots of active participation, along with love respect and devotion.

During this visit to India, I’ve come across a growing concern for the current and future generations of newly married couples. The dissent in marriage is even experienced by those married for over a decade. True story- nothing surprising there.

My top few reasons for growing divorce rates in a country that is considered culturally conservative, full of sari clad women, and well raised boys.

1. The above statement isn’t true. There is no respect. Period. For life, elders, women or the institution of marriage to name a few. There is no culture. There are no well raised children. The false sense of entitlement is taking away from the inherent Indian culture of respect and restraint. Men remain boys and well women can use some growing up as well.

2. Communication. Absolutely essential in a successful marriage but instead of talking to each other, married couples are talking about each other. If not on whatsapp and Facebook then via phone to mommy dearest which is never a good idea.

3. Pride: this could have been a good thing but when one constantly thinks they can get better because they deserve better, they stop appreciating what they have. Everyone in a relation needs constant validation, so give a little take a little. Let Mr. Pride take a hike.

4. Commitment: The infamous chalta hai attitude is creeping into our married lives. It’s okay to hit on another’s wife, it’s okay to share a drink with another’s husband. While flirtation and social drinking are harmless in themselves it is the intention behind these actions that are causing an increase in distrust and divorces. When one becomes callous about their partner’s feelings there is bound to be unhappiness.

16th marked 7 years to the day I said my marriage vows in a social gathering. Mutual respect, communication and trust form the foundation of the relationship we share. I’m grateful for good sense and God for making these last 7 years that happiest of my life. We are by no means the perfect happy couple, but we are perfect for each other.

Happy anniversary dear!

Crisp fall mornings…

Fall in the United States happens to be my favorite time of the year… I know there is a dreaded snow laden winter coming our way, but fall reminds me of happy moments in my life.

My first trip to the US with my father that I can remember. I was 11 and took a bus ride from Philadelphia to Baltimore on my own. It was one stop and my father put me on the bus. I think my family still talks about how crazy my father was to do that and how brave I was to make it on that 2 hour journey. It was something my dad and I laughed about.

Apples and apple cider and pies and leaves changing colors. Warm warm cozy sweaters and lot of tea. Some of my favorite things to have, do, wear.

Diwali and Dussehra and the month long festivities back at home. I miss them tremendously but thanks to technology I get glimpses of what people are doing back home.

My birthday followed by my husbands. This time of the year is generally celebratory….

And then you… I was almost 20 months.. waiting to feel you kick inside me, starting to tell people about you.. and then finally holding you in my arms..  not knowing if I had failed you or you had decided, you weren’t going to bother with us. No matter what the truth was, you will always be my happiest of memories.

B-Romance!

You are talking to him again. Of course you are. He is the most called number on your phone. Most emailed person by your email ids. He is the one you talk about office politics, sports, last flight catastrophe. You start your day with him, end your day with him. You have coffee dates, drink dates and double dates.

I hate him.

I wish you shared with me what you share with him.

But we don’t.

Every time you give me a hug, every time I catch you staring at my photos on your phone or sending me some as a reminder of a moment we shared, every time I serve you another serving at dinner because I know I nailed your favorite dish, every vacation, every kiss, every time you tease me, every time you get on my case, every time you make me tea to cheer me up, every time you rest your head on my shoulders after a hard days work, every time I am the first phone call when the shit really hits the fan, I know we share a bond of our own.

Happy V-day love!

I am like that only..

Sue me for I think from my heart and not my head. Busy until the end of this month. Will be back soon.

Auditing our life.

Another 6 to 7 hours and I am going to see my you after 19 days. We have been together now for more than 7 years, married for 6 years in 2 days. We have changed 5 jobs between us, have 4 academic degrees combined. We have moved 2 apartments together, innumerable on our own. We have grieved the loss of 4 of our closest family in our time together. We have had a million fights. I believe when a couple can complete each other’s sentences then it is time to make a change. Not only is variety the spice of life, mystery is good for the soul. No? Yes?

So today I am auditing this relationship. We have lived so many lives together in such a short time. For all the remaining, I hope you will continue to be the one.

Happy Anniversary my love!