Hey I know this is really last minute but I would really like for you to be part of my big evening. 

I am sure you wont be able to make it but I decided to  let you know. This evening is my big day.

Invited or not

So what?

Eff it.

This too shall pass.

And with this ladies and gentlemen I have written a little of over 300 posts on my blog.

I have been trying to remember what I did with the last person I completely genuinely abhorred. Avoidance strikes me as the thing I would do. Worse still I have been very vocal of my feelings. I think it is better to be honest and hurt the person once over being hurtful over and over again by one’s confusing behaviour.

Yet honesty is rare and hard to find. Some times even in a brutally blunt person like me.

After much reflection, I have realised that I am least honest with the people I pretend I am closest too. I avoid confrontation,  ignore  irritation, and look past the unavoidable. I contradict my own principle of good communication is essential for thriving relationships.

I am well aware that for no fault of any one, it is possible to feel creepy in another human being’s company. Some times for no reason at all we just can’t stand a person. Things get complicated when such a person even develops feelings for us. No matter how much you crawl within your skin at the thought, for them it is the principle of what one can’t have is the one thing they crave working on them. In over drive at that.

What should one do in such situations? The right answer is the obvious answer. It is the option least exercised. After all who minds  attention. And I quote Phish here.

All I can say after many attempts at not using another cliché on my blog, to be kind some times you need to be cruel. So be it. At least try.

It isn’t true that homo sapiens is the only species that kills itself. Ants, mice and other lowly species are well known to kill their own.

Comfort is an illusion. So is love, confidence, security, compatibility.

We believe what we want to, we also listen to what we want to. Some how we even manage to filter all that we don’t want to hear.

People are resistant to change. Be it clothes, food, hair colour, their follies. Radical changes takes courage.

The cliché about those that laugh the loudest hurt the most isn’t really true. A genuine laugh doesn’t come out of pain. Pain almost always shows through.

Insecurity is worse than having half a limb. There is no correlation between fact and feeling. Those that have it all seem most insecure.

I have all it takes. The ambition. The personality. I walk the walk, talk the talk. Like they say. What I don’t have is the first measure of approval. Some how I need to pass that hurdle. I need help. Sooner I realize the better it will be.

Hard work, dedication, intelligence, integrity, ambition. Aren’t just fancy adjectives. They are very real; I was once told.

My point, when you know so much, why is there no chance. That one chance I need. There is a big disconnect between realizing a fact and acting upon a faith.

I’ve done my part. Time for you to pull up your socks. You wont regret it. Even you know that.

Clutch. 2nd gear. Clutch. 3rd gear.Clutch.4th gear. Round about. Break. Clutch. Wall. Jeep. Cycles. Car. Break..clutch..Start..Honking..Instructions. One blank moment.

Stop. Start. Clutch. Gear. Park.

That freak moment later I know I will survive anything.

No matter what, when they say they don’t want to talk to you. That is what you do. You do not talk to them.

It is an ordeal to restrict addictions. You know too much is bad, but you really can’t stop yourself. Till one day you see the side effects and you make a decision. Enough is enough. It is over when you say it is.

Then you get invited. To Mohali. Punjab Cricket Association Stadium to be precise. For those that this name means nothing would not understand the addiction I talk about. For the rest of you, you understand why I couldn’t resist.

I can’t claim to know it all. Why do I fancy bowlers more than batsmen. Why the trip to Lord’s was a dream come true. I cannot explain. Why does Iqbal strike a cord each time I watch it. How I miss my childhood when I see children play cricket on the streets.

Why is this addiction I don’t know. It is there. It is tangible. 3 hours of being in proximity with the names you have heard, cheered, identified with, even prayed for makes the addiction so much more worth it.

The one thing I have realized about myself is the determination I show when I take on a project. Some times I can be mad about it. Like calling some one endless times just to prove a point to myself more than them. But that point is well seated in a deep corner of my head. The kind of corner that responds to recall triggers most efficiently. Lest I forget.

So when I decided I was going to find myself a husband, I really didn’t know what I was up for. Here is what I did. I first found several of close friends and family who have actually found a partner on the existing sites. I gathered a data base of expectations that people have from the opposite party. I tried and analyzed the perceptions people create when they read profiles.

I registered myself at 4 marriage sites. I zealously wrote about myself. My passion for my work. My love for theater and travel. My interest in cooking. About my personality, habits, expectations. I was being honest.

However, being honest is not the smartest move in this game; I find. This is after all catalog shopping for a mate. Considering there are parents, siblings and potential suitors all reading your profile, it has to be tailor made to catch their eye. The profile has to appear non threatening.

A week into this project and I have re-written my profile. A part of me is torn between finding a man who will take me for who I am. The other part wants to win this game on it’s own terms. Those terms don’t work in the favour of independent, opinionated, career-oriented honest women I have to sadly say. But then again if I am all of that and more I am determined not to let the system get to me. I will get to the system.

I am back in India and the pressure to get married is on. I always feel the heat and the discomfort being around people who reckon there must be some thing wrong with me physically emotionally or psychologically for being perfectly happy and content with my single hood.

The more I converse with those that are married and those that are not; I am convinced now is not the right time for me to tie the knot. Dating is not really an option for me in India as I don’t know what the norms here are. I can work on that but I feel too old for it. I am made to feel too old at 30.

Every six months or so I have re analyse my position in the marriage scene. Some things don’t seem to have changed. Tall, beautiful, slim, homely, career oriented, traditional values who will migrate with a precious son still appear in advertisements, websites, and what have you.

Having spoken to my guy friends, it isn’t easy for them either. The expectations, demands and haughtiness that they have to endure to find a girl who they are happy just ” talking to” is becoming a huge task.When no one is happy with the arranged marriage scene either through papers, websites or through another person I don’t know how come the society has not been able to abolish the practice.

People who aren’t married wish to bite the dust and those who have, warn me against hastening in making a decision. My own flowery ideas about being with another human being are long abolished.

I have seen separation, divorce, adultery, remarriages from close quarters. The upper middle class society is no longer untouched by the side effects of modernisation, economic independence, migration to western worlds. Parents who have been left behind are fighting hard to keep abreast.

I have managed to convince my parents that I don’t want a big wedding. For economical and political reasons. if they take pride in feeding 500 mouths, I would rather they feed the deprived and thankful. For now my parents have asked me to make good use of the websites they have paid money into. So this summer I am going to be busy finding me a husband. I am going to plan my dot.com wedding.