Sunrise., originally uploaded by Educated Unemployed.

If only it was about clothes and shoes and bags and books and stationery.

What gets to go and what has to be left behind is an easy choice to make.

It gets tough when packing also involves a bit of your life.

Taj Mahal., originally uploaded by Educated Unemployed.

Being Indian, from Northern India and nearing the end of 3 decades of living on this planet it was a sad realisation that I hadn’t made the effort to see a timeless symbol of love that has broken boundaries and epitomises beauty. It was discomforting to realise that I had taken for granted what belonged to me which made me realise that I had not paid my due respects to the one monument that actually is a part of my identity.

With a plan to achieve before I got 30, I added on board one of my favourite aunts and her two adorable sons.Our drive from Delhi started around 8 am.With just one break for a good breakfast of aloo parathas and tea we reached Agra at around 1:15 pm.We lost our way initially due to lack of proper signs which surprised me considering I know what a favourite tourist spot we were heading to.

On reaching our destination and spending almost 20 minutes in the queue to gain entry this is what I first laid eyes on as I entered through the gates to see the Taj Mahal.

I wish I can write down in words how I felt as I entered the gates with so many people around me hailing from different countries, culture and backgrounds.All marvelling at this symbol of love and purity.

But I can’t.

For those who haven’t experienced it’s glory I would highly recommend a trip and for those who have you know exactly what I am talking about.

With a whole afternoon to spare I decided to go to Delhi Haat. There are several small stores essentially selling clothes from different parts of the country.There is also a food court that provides with popular foods from different parts of the country.A lot of times there are theme based exhibitions going on.This week was celebrating women.Ugh! An issue I really don’t understand but Delhi Haat was colourful, vibrant, busy and very entertaining.

As I walked stall to stall I started to think of my best friend. I often think of her. I miss her.I miss the girl I once knew.The girl who had painstakingly made cards for me when our friendship was just blossoming.Who has heard me talk hours on end.Who taught me French when I was weak in the language.Who wasn’t embarassed about being possesive about me when I got close to one of her own friends.Who shared my passion of becoming a doctor.Who seemed more proud of me than I had ever felt about me.Who has always given a patient and non-judgemental ear to me.Who has always been the more mature and forgiving between the two of us. Who always did the right thing.Who made the effort to come and meet me when I was in England.Who most of my family think is my family.

Living in separate countries for almost 12 years now there is a lot of obvious physical distance between us.That day in Delhi Haat I thought of the huge gap in thought and emotions that was not so obvious.I wasn’t with her when she graduated. I was not the one to give her hugs and hear her cry over her first heart break.We did not try our first alcoholic drink together.We have never taken a trip together.I have never been around to celebrate her success.I haven’t been one of those friends she talks about when she has had a galla time with ‘her friends’.

I wanted to buy her some thing.Some thing worth her big day that awaits her.I don’t know what she likes.Has she grown to enjoy clothes like I have, after all these years of being tom boys? Does she like things I do? Has she really enjoyed and liked all the gifts I sent to her or was she just polite because she thought that was the right thing to do?I don’t even know her favourite colour.

There isn’t much I know about her.All I know of her is what has been communicated over the telephone or internet over all these years. I didn’t even know what she wrote for her second name until recently. I started to think of where life had taken her.How really far she is.So what we pride on being best friends for so long.Or shall I say feel pride, 16 years later we still call each other best friends.

I felt a little torn apart and a lot of pain .I wasn’t sure if I should pride myself in knowing her for so long and still feeling a connection inspite of all the odds or to question my very basis of calling her my best friend. Some of the misunderstanding we have had over the last couple of months now make more sense to me.I reckon we both had expectations from the other which didn’t match up and hence the discordance.That too we managed to put aside.I hope.

I don’t want to keep hoping.I don’t want the tag of best friends.I would like to know her now.I want to know if we would still like each other if we had to start from ground zero.I want to see what it would be like to befriend her now.I really want to get to know my friend for who she is today and not hang on to what I think of her from what I knew of her from years ago.

I would really like a new shot at being best friends again.

I have been wanting to put up a picture of me or atleast a representative for a very long time. I stumbled upon this cartoon while I was researching my residency prospects.

This represents a fourth year medical student and their life thereafter. I found it very befitting to my own self and hence I am going to use it.

I would like to thank the creators for making some thing so apt to my life.

I don’t know if this avatar will remail for ever or I will change it when I find some thing that I identify with more. For now EU has just found a face!

I got a call this afternoon. A hurried, rushed phone. “Meet me in 10 minutes at her place. My husband is baby sitting my son. This is the only time I have.”

No arguments with that. I have learnt to respect these last minute hushed calls. I understand my friend’s commitments, her life that I don’t identify with. I have learnt from her, to be patient tolerant and ever accepting of the changes in other people’s lives. She taught me that to keep a friendship you have to give away expectations and egos.

I was on my way in less that 5 minutes. We were going to see our friend who just announced her pregnancy. I bought bright pink roses.What a lovely bloom I thought.Perfect for a mother to be.

The friend who called was already there, when I reached. She looked tired. A little sad. But then such has been her life.Her strife would make me uncomfortable. It took me some time to realise that I wasn’t upset with her, when she cribbed.I was sad and disturbed because it hurt me to see my friend not leading a life she deserves.

Warm hugs later we went onto chatter. I asked about the pregnant friend’s health? She said she was good now. So the pregnancy will last
inspite of the complications. Great! I thought.

The talking laughing continued. My pregnant friend looked subdued. The friend in me saw tiredness, eyes that had been crying. I knew some thing was amiss. The doctor in me could see dark circles,dehydration, defeatest posture, pain. Something was definitely wrong. She didn’t look like a happy pregnant mother.

So I asked about the dark circles around her eyes.She said, “May be because I have been sleeping a lot”.

I smiled. I was not convinced.

The other friend kept the conversation flowing. She has been convincing me to give up the idea of marriage.She thinks it is a big mistake.I kept poking fun at her.

What is wrong?

“I will be joining work coming Monday”

“Oh, so is everything ok now?” I ask. A little taken aback.

“Don’t you know?”

“Know what?”

“I got my baby aborted last Friday.”

Suddenly I feel pain. I can’t beathe. Tears are welling up. I am shocked. I feel foolish. I am at a loss of words. This is my friend we are talking about. I have known her since I was 10.Less may be. She just lost her baby.

My friend is crying. The other mother has tears in her eyes too. Please don’t cry. I pray.I don’t know what to say.

I walk over. Hold my sobbing friends head in my hands and press her close to me. I feel her shaking against me.

I let my own tear roll down.

She needs me right now. She needs to hear the right thing. I need to be strong for her.

My mind races. Early pregnancy….chromosomal anomaly, blood problems, neural tube defects. Who knows, this was supposed to happen. Might have been the right thing to happen. For the baby, for my friend.

I feel the shaking has calmed down. I kneel before my friend. I see very sad eyes. I hold her hand.

I should say some thing. Should I be the friend here and say comforting words, or should I be a professional and tell her that may be this is for the best.

I say nothing. I let her cry.

She starts to speak.Telling me what her gynaecologist said to her.Telling about the possibilities of chromosomal anomaly, blood problems, neural tube defects.The tests that she and her husband will have to undertake to ascertain the cause of death.

I agree. I ask her a few questions of my own. I know the answers already. They only help me in reassuring her that she will be fine. Early pregnancy losses are a common occurence. Most women don’t even realise, they were pregnant. But it is natures way of selecting the most healthy fetus which survive and unhealthy ones that don’t. Might have been the best, more for the baby that the pregnany didn’t continue.Being born with chromosomal abnormalities or structural anomalies would have only made it tough for her child. I tell her.

She nods in agreement.I see fresh tears welling up.

“My child was 9 weeks and one day” she says softly. “The heart had stopped.So I had to let go.”

My heart aches at her pain.I know how painful letting go is.

I give her another hug. I tell her she is going to be fine.Ask her if she feels like a movie or a drive? I ask her to call me anytime she needs to talk.

I want to sob for my friend.I hold back my tears.I need to maintain my composure.I am a doctor for god sakes.

How many times have I had to break bad news.Tell people they are very sick.Tell them we wont be resuscitating them.Tell them they might never walk agin, tell them their loved one just died.Tell them they have AIDS. How many times I have seen people break down in front of me.Mothers, wives, husbands, sons,daughters,uncles aunties, nieces nephews,lovers partners.Name it I have seen it.I know how to remain professional.How to be rational.How to be the pillar of strength.

I have done this before. I can do this.

But I can’t.Not this time.

A friend had once told me, “I will break down if you ever lose your confidence in me.I don’t care about the world, but I wish you have some faith in me.”

We all make mistakes.We all do wrong things.We wrong other people.Most of all I think we wrong ourselves.Take wrong decsions.Make bad choices.Be self-destructive.Just do the wrong thing.

Then a person you call your friend comes along.Watches you do your thing.They believe you will see the light at some point. When you don’t, they even nudge you a bit so you can get back on track.

You know they have your best interest in their heart.They don’t understand you at this point, but you hope they will eventually.You tell them every little detail, confident they wont judge you.You think they know what makes you the person that you are today.

The friend tries hard to understand you. Gives you your time and space.When they cannot see you go on and on about what they think is wrong for you they snap.They get into an uncomfortable zone.They want to tell you to your face but they also want you to know that they are there for you.That tussle some times breaks them down.Even destroys the friendship at times.

We don’t want to be told we can do better.We know we can do better.But this is what we want to do now.We know we deserve better.Everyone does.But this is what makes us happy now. We know this may not be the smartest decision we took in our lives, but we took it anyway.We do things inspite of knowing you think they are wrong, because we believe they are the right thing for us to do.So many times we aren’t looking for approvals or endorsements.We are only confiding because we have the need to tell some body. Have some sort of a witness to the lives we lead.

We have all been at the recieving end of such judgement at some point in our lives.It isn’t the best feeling.It isn’t supportive.If anything the lack of confidence and support is condescending. I understand we tend to have undue expectations from our friends.They are only humans after all.But then, so are we.