What you thought I didn’t know.

I am the epitome of everything that has ever been right in this world.I live, love, give, care, and let you live.I have no expectations.I do not judge.I let you be just like you are.You do affect me.I don’t let you know because it hurts my ego way too much to let you know that you actually mean some thing to me.I would not dare let you know that I love your presence in my life in the fear of sounding emotionally weak not to mention very cheesy and cliched.

Yeah I can’t let you know that I am actually confused about you and I don’t know what it is that I feel for you.Friends just about sounds right.Comes with a good disclaimer.I think that works for me.

That is a different story that I can spend hours talking to you.I am aware that you have given me concessions you wouldn’t otherwise give everyone.I enjoy the attention and guess that is why I suck up to you so much.But then you are so good to me that even if I walked all over you I know you wont complain because I think you love me so.

I just wish you never turn around and ask me to give you the same amount of attention or even be there for you when you need a friend.I don’t do such things.Oh and please do not ask me for a hug or a phone call.That is keeping way too many expectations from me.It is not the place our relationship is at.Actually I cringe at the word relationship, because I am not ready for a commitment right now.For all practical reasons you exist only when I need you.After all there is nothing I really know about you because for the last so many months all we did was talk about me.

I want to write a story,
May be even poetry.

So many thoughts,
Clear my head, I ought.

I need a new perspective.
Lose the habits that are restrictive.

Some new target, I need to set,
Work hard towards a winner’s mindset.

Dreams alone don’t take you too far,
Only flash stars in your eyes from afar.

So what is the deal?
Some one has to get real.

I wanted to write a story
May be even poetry.

Instead I write this rhyme,
A feeble first attempt of mine.

Time to be kind to you,(So I stop)
Sayonara, good-bye, Adieu.

Why do some people think that the person they are talking to cannot really hear what is not being said in all that,that is being said.

We tend to miss out on the best things in life because of our own insecurities.

Don’t people write letters anymore? Like pen paper envelope ones?

They say a different perspective always helps.Step out of your life once in a while and get a different view.

When clouded by prejudice, we can often miss seeing the real gem in the rough.

Just when you were ready to forgive and forget, you realise that they were dealing with the exact same ordeal that you have just been through.

A silent observer has the most fun I think.They get to see how silly peole can get.

How come it is so much easier to point a finger at others, while so tough to look within and see where did things actually go wrong.

It is a pity to see some of the most intelligent well balanced people go on a self sympathy drive.Doesn’t their ego talk to them?

We are most responsible for what happens to us, and yet we look to blame others all the time.

Don’t miss that smile caught unawares.It can tell you so much about a person.He smiles like a baby!

Read at your own risk.

I am not doing the movie review.I don’t know how to.However this is the first movie I have watched after almost 3 years in a Mumbai cinema.What was most amusing for me was the whole operation ‘Going to watch a movie in a cinema with my parents’.

My myth that any one can get tickets on the first weekend of release were brutally destroyed.Inspite of the surge in multiplexes and what have you, there is an out of proportional increase in the audiences.So my mother let me learn it the hard way, that life isn’t as laid back as I would have liked it be.That peole still believe in first day first shows and advance bookings and people actually make an effort at that.Several phone calls,a futile visit to the ticket counter later I have learnt, or so you think.*cheeky grin*

What with the controversy around the film I was warned by atleast seven different people that I might not want to watch a movie on extra-marital affairs with my parents.I could not think of better company.Atleast now they wouldn’t want to rush me into marriage.I think it was a good game plan.

However, question is why not?They are adults, I can assure you.So why is that we cannot go watch a Karan Johar star-studded song strewn beautifully clothed people’s movie? Afterall where else do you see a designer clothed teacher vaccuming?

Or is there some thing else to it?Is it that we aren’t yet ready to accept infidelity as an issue that plagues our society.Are we still hanging on to the Indian culture which is an over rated concept as far as I am concerend.Do you really want to believe, that married couples don’t falter.Is swinging new to our society?Is pre-marital sex unheard of?Are abortions not taking place?Don’t people letch?Is sexual harrasment non-existent in today’s work places? Are marriages not breaking?Are people not disconcerted?Are women not getting more experimental in their choices and their outlook towards life?

Or is it that these issues are non-existent?Or are we just plain hypocrites.If we pretend that there isn’t an issue at hand, it will actually disappear.I doubt it works like that.Are we just too scared to get into that uncomfortable spot?Do we find it that hard to get out of our comfort zones and confront what we could be facing some time in our own lives?

I don’t know what defines a national culture.A country where watching a certain TV channed is a national pass time.Watching soaps where the protagonist is married atleast 4 times, has had atleast 3 extra marital affairs and even a few children with each.Doesn’t TV and our movies reflect our own society? Then what are we so critical about.I think it is time to wake up, shrug that anergy and take a hold of our own lives.

As far as the movie was concerned, I could only see 4 adults being children.One couldn’t stop being cynical about his failure.He definitely needed a counselor.The other couldn’t let her ego down.Damn that economic independance women are achieving these days.Then an escapist who didn’t want to accept his unrequited love and of course his rather frigid wife. Will some one please tell her character to get real.Who doesn’t get enamoured by all that cooing, flowers, cuddling and great sense of humor,not to mention totally turned on by a back massgae by our very own ABbaby.WOMAN!!.I see a sex-therapist would have been ideal.*thoughtful look*

Gone are the days when pocket money of 5 rupees made me feel like I could buy the world.Now unless you can plan 10/20 yeard ahead with what you have, you really aren’t there yet.

Gone are the days when news was a 8′o clock affair.Now news is telecast the whole day with really nothing to hear about.

Gone are the days when “lets meet” would mean visiting a friend’s house over some awesome home cooked meal.Now it is all about that swanky little place in town.

Gone are the days when you told your parents about love.Now parents tell you about the all important chemistry, age-no-bar attitude and assure you that sex-no-bar is also an acceptable concept.

Gone are the days when “I love you” meant just that.Now I find peole wondering why I do, and really what is it that I want out of it.

Gone are the days when I could be silly and pretend life never really hit me.Now I know, every action of mine is scrutinized and even judged.

Gone are the days when keeping in touch actually meant an occassional letter or postcard which a postman delivered.Now they are limited to e-communication.

Gone are the days when virginity was a virtue.Now losing it is the latest fashion.

Gone are the days when fights between friends,would only make the bond stronger.Now they turn into months of silence, with an unexplained awkwardness between them.

Gone are the days when fashion was for the rich.Now everyone is just a little short of their debut in Page 3.

Gone are the days when I was daddy’s little girl.Now I am an adult, a professional and a person who my father is very proud of.

Gone are the days when I thought if I was home, I was safe.Now I wonder if I am safe from anything, even me.

Gone are the days when I felt safe secure and grounded.Now I fight a constant battle.But is there any winning?

The blast from the Past:

It is such a thrill for me when some people from my past recognise me even before I have completed saying hello over the telephone.I haven’t spoken to some in over 3 years and yet, it doesn’t take them a second to squeal out in delight.It doesn’t take any effort to start off from where I had left.It is easy to have a conversation.It is a warm feeling to be around them.They know me, or have an idea of who I essentially am.They have tried their best to keep track of me and how I have changed over time.They have been aware that they were changing too.No matter what, I feel welcome in their lives.They understand me so well, that I know I can trust my feelings with them.They provide me the security I know I can fall back on.

The stated Present:

Most people come and go.They all have a purpose in your life, even if it was that bitter sweet lesson you had to learn.Nothing stays forever.Not even people.There is always a current set of people in our lives.There have been in mine.New friends that I have made around the block.New colleagues, crushes,cousins I have just learnt to love.New relationships I have got into.It is this novelty that is so appealing.I see an effort by all concerned in this this new relationship.We are at our best.We want this to work, just like some of our old relationships have.There is a comfort of the skeletons being tightly packed in the closet.There is hope and a certain charm.It is beautiful and it is like falling in love.Till one day I know expectations will creep in.Judgements will be passed.People will walk away.But hey! I am here now and so are you.So why not ROCK ON!

The future that awaits:

I don’t know what life has in store for me.How many more set backs, failures even.How many more heart breaks,disappointments.How many people are going to fade away like a distant memory.I don’t know.I don’t want to know.No I haven’t become any stronger.Each failure takes away a bit of my confidence.Each set back, throws me down a few miles,requiring a lot more effort to get back to from where I fell.Each heart break leaves me slightly bitter.Each friend lost leaves me skeptical.Yet I strive to give the best I can to each new moment, new opportunity,each new person in my life.

I do some times wonder whether the the future that awaits me, will understand that there is a reason I cannot give my 100 percent.I don’t have a 100 percent left in me.I wasn’t born any lesser.I guess it was life that happened to me.

I am a woman.

Question is what really makes me a woman?My monthly hormonal cycles?My birthing capacity? Sex needs to be associated with a degree of emotional involvement.My thrills at shopping?My need to be loved? Cared for?Cajoled?My aesthetic sense?My desire for beautiful things?

Really? Is that good enough to qualify me as the weaker sex?Fairer sex?

I don’t know about weaker or fairer, but different I’ll accept.Physically, chemically, emotionally,even our genetic make up.Being called weaker beats me, considering genetically we are the stronger between the two of us.Yes sweetie you didn’t know that now did you?

I am not oblivious to child marriages,infanticides,rapes,family oppressions, suppressions,eve-teasing.I consider that a disease.Just like TB, HIV, malaria.It plagues our society and we need to eradicate it.

I don’t see myself as weak.As any less competent.As any less capable.I don’t think I was given any fewer chances and I don’t think the world is really big and bad out there that I need special protection.

I have come to realise, men women all fight their battles.All compete, some less fairly than others.And really who do you think is taking advantage of what?
So men stare, and no not at my face.But what does a woman do.She completely scrutinizes you, even shows her disapproval at the not so recently manicured feet.I am not trying to belittle the issue here.

How ever women fighting for women’s rights irritate me.Yeah you heard that right.Did you? I didn’t say women’s cause.Please mark my words.Fighting for a cause is like ensuring a prevention programme.Always good for the plague.

I can’t stand some women especially the kind who sit on a high chair and shout out loud, because they think it is fashionable to do so.Those that weren’t ever faced with repression owing to the fact that they were females.I hear them cry out the loudest.

They just irritate me.If anything I feel those very women take us back a 100 years in civilisation, not to mention show disrespect to all the previous generations of women who have actually fought to get us where we are today.

I can list so many women,in so many fields that have made it big.I can go on a roll of my role models.I don’t think that is necessary.Look around and you will find a woman who has done well.So I am aware of ill representation, but work hard and get there.Don’t ask or expect just because you are woman.There should be more to you than your extra X chromosome to get you where you want to be.I say it so uncompassionately, because I am confident you can.

Asking for reservations/quotas/a preferences, makes me feel like I have some sort of handicap.Since when has being a woman been a handicap, you tell me?

ps:I write this out today, because it is an issue that has been bothering me for the longest time ever.I’ve had such contradicting views, that I needed some clarity and hence the jottng down of thoughts.

Last time a cousin who was a few months younger to me got married and caused rather uncomfortable moments for me.My theory about relationships and marriages in the Indian set up were unceremoniously discarded and I was told to get a grip on my life.

So what do you expect when a niece who is 4 years younger than me finds her mate.I am home to make matters worse. No, I cannot escape at all.

I had wished I had found some body worthy of being my scapegoat so that I could ward off my parents for looking for a match for me.I didn’t find anyone that my parents would believe that I was actually ready to live with for the rest of my life.

They do believe that for any guy is going to be a tough job.I know my parents have rejected perfectly normal and eligible bachelors on the pretext that they were too nice for their daughter.Almost seems like they are looking for someone who would survive a combat with me.I ain’t that bad, but I guess parents know best.

I’ve repeatedly been asked what I want in a man. Oh well shouldn’t that be obvious; is’nt really the answer they are looking for. I have a very small list of what I don’t want in a man. I’ll take anything else I tell them. It doesn’t seem to make their life any easier. Increases the spectrum of choices you see.

I don’t know what my parents expect of me. The option, that I’d like to wait for some one to come along, doesn’t suit their sensibilities at all. My mum recently listed down all the perfect and fantastic men that did come to my life. Who due to some stroke of fate were ready to take on the challenge called EU and yet, I had done nothing to materialize the relationship. That of course was followed by a longer list of men that I have lusted after but no love had came out of it.

My parent’s choice and mine are poles apart. Currently my mother is aghast that I think John Abrahm is one hottie, though I could settle for a Shiny Ahuja,however essentially I would like a Hugh Grant..you know those clueless guys with the most wicked sense of humor. But no, my parents seem to want none of it.My mum is actually on a mission to prove to me why Johnny boy isn’t such a hottie after all. I am almost beginning to get convinced.*Gulp*

I don’t blame my parents for their anxiety.However to their credit they have been very patient and very non pushy. I don’t know how much longer. For now, some of my relatives have been roped in into this mission called marriage. I am almost enjoying the conspiracy around me.

The latest is trying to rectify my ‘dosh’ through a pooja. For parents who did not have a horoscope to show for their older child’s wedding,I think this is a huge step. After all at my age, the older child was celebrating a 4th Wedding anniversary. I do think the plot is getting rather dramatic not to mention very thick.

The only say I have had in this drama is the choice of prasad. I think that will do for now.

It was 6th semester of college if I remember correctly.I was a nicer person back then, I think.

A very good friend of mine, had just heard of her mum’s accident and she had to rush home.While she gathered her courage to face what was to come, I got her tickets from Pokhara to Kanyakumari organised.I couldn’t fathom what she must have been going through, as she had just lost her father not so long ago.So when she left I gave her most of the money in my bank account, for her to spend in case she needed to in an emergency.

I barely had enough money to get past the next 2/3 weeks, but I knew I would survive.

Classes went on as usual and in medicine we were doing Cardiology.By our stroke of luck we had this young girl in the hospital who was an absolute text book case of rheumatic heart disease.Now it is generally very rare to get lets say all 5 points of diagnosis in a single patient.But she was one such case.She even had a chorea which is really never seen these days.So Dr VM went on to tell the class, during that lecture that we should make an attempt to speak to the family, take good history, and examine that girl, before she gets taken to Kathmandu to get her heart operation which should make her better, and make all the classical findings disappear in time.

She was a good learning case for us.Now I know this sounds very crass, but I can explain at some point.However this is not the point of my post.

So after that class I decided to skip lunch to meet that family.That would have been the only good time to get that girl when 20 other keen students wouldn’t be hovering around her.When I got to the right ward,Dr VM was with the patient’s family.He was telling them, that it was only a matter of time when the girl would be taken to Kathmandu for her operation.That her chances of full recovery were good.There was only one hitch, they needed to get an echocardiography done.That was the only investigation keeping her from being taken to Kathmandu.He went onto tell them that he was hopeful that the money required for that investigation would be generated in a matter of time.

My institution is a private hospital.Nepal being the country it is, most people cannot afford it.But people come in large numbers, the hospital being a good health care centre.Good facilities and hopes are in abundance in that place.Students and faculty run a patient fund, where we donate money and who ever needs whatever gets it from that fund.Most times it has run dry and people just wait.That is the bane of the boon called a good private health care facility

So this is what I was looking at, a DrV.M. who was hopeful, but unsure.A family who was just told they had to generate their month’s salary to get an investigation done. A 11 year old some thing, innocent, shy, scared suffering and very embarassed.The predicament was more than obvious to her.

Of course, then there was me.Good medical student, giving up lunch to learn medicine for the good of mankind.

Yeah right.

Math was easy.I would just have to take out the remaining money in my bank.I would still make the minimum requirement for a bank account.Rich, but I would survive.

I walked upto Dr V.M, asked him he would mind me paying up for that girl.He asked how many patients would I pay for.There were so many of them waiting, each one more deserving than the other.I must have said some thing wrong, because he stormed off with sheer frustration on his face.

I did pay for that girl, she did go to Kathmandu, she did get her operation.She even got better.I know because I got to meet the family later.That look on the parent’s face was so worth the negative balance in my bank account.

Refer to previous post for Point 24.

Afterthought: I wouldn’t really call it charity, but one of my many impulsive actions, I am actually proud of.More over, M adopted me till the end of the term.

In the list you have to bold things, which you have already done, and put an asterisk after things you want to do.

01. Bought everyone in the bar a drink.
02. Swam with wild dolphins*
03. Climbed a mountain
04. Taken a Ferrari for a test drive*
05. Been inside the Great Pyramid*
06. Held a tarantula*
07. Taken a candlelit bath with someone*
08. Said ‘I love you’ and meant it
09. Hugged a tree
10. Bungee jumped
11. Visited Paris
12. Watched a lightning storm at sea
13. Stayed up all night long and saw the sun rise
14. Seen the Northern Lights*
15. Gone to a huge sports game.
16. Walked the stairs to the top of the leaning Tower of Pisa*
17. Grown and eaten your own vegetables
18. Touched an iceberg*
19. Slept under the stars
20. Changed a baby’s diaper
21. Taken a trip in a hot air balloon*
22. Watched a meteor shower*
23. Gotten drunk on champagne*
24. Given more than you can afford to charity
25. Looked up at the night sky through a telescope*
26. Had an uncontrollable giggling fit at the worst possible moment
27. Had a food fight
28. Bet on a winning horse
29. Asked out a stranger
30. Had a snowball fight
31. Screamed as loudly as you possibly can
32. Held a lamb
33. Seen a total eclipse*
34. Ridden a roller coaster
35. Hit a home run
36. Danced like a fool and not cared who was looking
37. Adopted an accent for an entire day
38. Actually felt happy about your life, even for just a moment
39. Had two hard drives for your computer
40. Visited all 10 provinces
41. Taken care of someone who was drunk
42. Had amazing friends
43. Danced with a stranger in a foreign country
44. Watched wild whales*
45. Stolen a sign
46. Backpacked in Europe*
47. Taken a road-trip
48. Gone rock climbing *
49. Midnight walk on the beach
50. Gone sky diving
51. Visited Ireland*
52. Been heartbroken longer then you were actually in love
53. In a restaurant, sat at a stranger’s table and had a meal with them
54. Visited Japan*
55. Milked a cow*
56. Alphabetized your cds
57. Pretended to be a superhero
58. Sung karaoke
59. Lounged around in bed all day
60. Posed nude in front of strangers
61. Gone scuba diving*
62. Kissed in the rain
63. Played in the mud
64. Played in the rain
65. Gone to a drive-in theater
66. Visited the Great Wall of China *
67. Started a business *
68. Fallen in love and not had your heart broken ( or Travelled to Pluto,may be? bah!)******
69. Toured ancient sites
70. Taken a martial arts class
71. Played D&D for more than 6 hours straight
72. Gotten married*
73. Been in a movie
74. Crashed a party
75. Gotten divorced
76. Gone without food for 5 days (3 days)
77. Made cookies from scratch
78. Won first prize in a costume contest
79. Ridden a gondola in Venice.
80. Gotten a tattoo
81. Rafted the Snake River
82. Been on television news programs as an “expert” *
83. Got flowers for no reason
84. Performed on stage
85. Been to Las Vegas*
86. Recorded music
87. Eaten shark
88. Had a one-night stand*
89. Gone to Thailand
90. Bought a house
91. Been in a combat zone
92. Buried one of your parents
93. Been on a cruise ship*
94. Spoken more than one language fluently
95. Performed in Rocky Horror.
96. Raised children*
.97. Followed your favorite band/singer on tour
98. Created and named your own constellation of stars
99. Taken an exotic bicycle tour in a foreign country
100. Picked up and moved to another city to just start over
101. Walked the Golden Gate Bridge*
102. Sang loudly in the car, and didn’t stop when you knew someone was looking
103. Had plastic surgery
104. Survived an illness that you shouldn’t have survived
105. Wrote article for a large publication
106. Lost over 100 pounds
107. Held someone while they were having a flashback
108. Piloted an airplane
109. Petted a stingray
110. Broken someone’s heart
111. Helped an animal give birth
112. Won money on a T.V. game show
113. Broken a bone
114. Gone on an African photo safari*
115. Had a body part of yours below the neck pierced
116. Fired a rifle, shotgun, or pistol
117. Eaten mushrooms that were gathered in the wild
118. Ridden a horse*
119. Had major surgery
120. Had a snake as a pet
121. Hiked to the bottom of the Grand Canyon*
122. Slept for more than 30 hours over the course of 48 hours
123. Visited more foreign countries than U.S. states*
124. Visited all 7 continents *
125. Taken a canoe trip that lasted more than 2 days *
126. Eaten kangaroo meat
127. Eaten sushi
128. Had your picture in the newspaper
129. Changed someone’s mind about something you care deeply about
130. Gone back to school
131. Parasailed
132. Petted a cockroach
133. Eaten fried green tomatoes.
134. Read The Iliad - and the Odyssey
135. Selected one “important” author who you missed in school, and read*
136. Killed and prepared an animal for eating
137. Skipped all your school reunions.*
138. Communicated with someone without sharing a common spoken language
139. Been elected to public office *
140. Written your own computer language
141. Thought to yourself that you’re living your dream*
142. Had to put someone you love into hospice care
143. Built your own PC from parts
144. Sold your own artwork to someone who didn’t know you
145. Had a booth at a street fair
146. Dyed your hair
147. Been a DJ
148. Shaved your head
149. Caused a car accident
150. Saved someone’s life

Found this list on Greensatya’s blog.It just had so many fun things, I couldn’t resist.
Feel free to carry over the list.Might just make you want to live life more.