I’ve been a log the last few days.I know, because my mum is beginning to lose patience.I can tell I am over doing the laziness.

My only socialising has been limited to the 6 employees that visit my flat everyday.They do make fun company you know.Of course I also had to visit the 2 hospitals that I have been associated with in the past and meet all the residents that I have worked with.I always enjoy meeting them.Reminds me where I come from, where I want to eventually be.

Oh well, I just wish it could rain all day long.I could listen to music and write poetry.Get some chai while I am at it and if mum feels like being kind she could fry up some pakodas.What life I say!

It seems rather wrong to wish for a monsoon mania like I have known it.Come rain or what have you, we still had to go to school.Wade through all that water, my red gum boots, over sized rain coats.Lovely memories they have become.Life went on, Mumbai never stopped.I feel proud to have felt that spirit around me.

Today as I plan to meet friends and getaways, I see the weather forecast has a huge part to play in it.People work from home if they have to.Phones stop working, and rains seem to create havoc.I sense rains aren’t that fun anymore.

I wasn’t here last year, but I sense the deluge.I have heard so many horror stories by now.I feel guilty I wasn’t around.I have yet to meet some one who wasn’t touched by last year’s catastrophe.I know great loss has been dealt with.Terrorising memories have been etched.What/who are lost, are gone for ever.Those that survived, still fight their demons.

Petitions are being circulated.Vows are being made.Blame is being passed on.Construction can be seen in full vigour, just not where it is actually needed.I hear compensation did change hands just not the right ones.Garbage perfumes the city like never before.Roads don’t look like roads anymore.

I am saddened.Guilty.I see brave faces around me.I find eyes shielding one’s dignity.I know people who are still picking up their pieces.I only hope they can one day put it all back together.I do feel the insecurity.I wonder how those that have seen it all, fight on.I wonder what it was like to be here, then.

Romanticizing probably comes easy from my comfortable room.Fighting it wont be that easy.Maintaining one’s dignity through it all, even harder.But that is a lesson I learn today.I guess that is what Mumbai is all about.

Happy to be home.

Home at last.
Lazy.
Pampered.
Loved.
Friends.
Phone calls.
TV, Indian ads.
Mangoes.
One happy me.

Only testing if blogspot works like I know it does.

It just took one phone call to get together all my girl friends, be it Birmingham or London.They were up for a meal, a drink and a lovely time in view of my leaving the country.The zest of celebration makes me wonder, are they really so happy that I am leaving.*Gulp*

It is that time of life
I face.
A book has come to
an end.
A new chapter
has to begin.
I want to look back
one last time.
This story that I created
But I find myself
searching…
For the right words
to start a new life again.

What a plot
I say.
Such drama.
The characters that emerged.
Some have come to stay.
Others that have faded away.

The music so profound
I can hear it in my head..
A score I could dance to,
Some,I don’t want to replay.

Whatever..whoever..
Thanks for playing your part
Don’t want to say Good bye
Just yet..
Will leave it until we meet again..

Have you ever embarked on a journey towards your goal,only to realise that was the hardest and longest route.You wonder if the goal will ever be reached, but then tell yourself, it is really the journey that counts.As today your experience makes you far richer, than you were when you started off.

Have you ever shuffled the pages of your old diaries and wondered, where did all those that have filled those pages disappear.Inspite of the void which hurts real bad, you tell your self you need to keep smiling as they would not have it any other way.

Have you ever looked in the mirror only to see the cracks become bigger over time.You know now is the time to turn away.You don’t want to.As you don’t know if there would be one to look into if you ever turned back.But then you tell yourself, you just have to take that chance.Because if you didn’t you would never be able to see past those cracks again.

Have you ever watched a loved one fall and hurt themselves.Though it hurts you more than them you don’t pick them up.You tell your self, if they didn’t fall today when you were watching over, they would never learn to pick themselves up on their own again.

Have you ever found some one crying.You wanted to ask them if they were ok,or just wanted to hold their hand or even give them a hug.But you didn’t.You tell yourself, may be they really need that moment to themselves.

Have you ever looked yourself in the eye and spoken to yourself.Had one of those man to man conversations.Told yourself, it doesn’t matter if you’ve been stupid or feel defeated, tomorrow is another day.

Time to look me in the eye methinks.

What happens, when disaster strikes?Some thing that you weren’t prepared for.Something that leaves you stunned.Not sure of what just hit you.

How does one gather his broken pieces.Gather a piece of himself that has been mutilated.So bad, that one does not even know it is his own.

How do you give support when you your self are vulnerable.

How do we find the right words, when we ourselves are rendered speechless.

Who is to peep into my soul and know that I am hurt, when they themselves have been wounded so badly.

Where does when find the strentgh to go on, when there seems no place to go.

Do we just pretend, that nothing ever happened?That that part of us hasn’t been robbed of us for ever.Or do we fight the demons we face.

And how do we fight, when we have nothing left to fight for.

Where do we put our energies?To forget what we have lost or to brave ourselves for what is to come next.

I’ve been told there is light at the end of even the darkest of tunnels.I hope I will see that light some day.

Strange beings that species called F.R.I..E.N.D.S.

They crop up from no where, just when I need them and I don’t even realise that I do.It is only when they make their presence felt at times like these, that one realises how much we have actually missed having them around.Only to learn that they have in fact been around.We just didn’t know.

When you thought no one knew your dirty little secret only time tells you, that they did.They didn’t bother judging you over it because they know more than you do.They know that you are only human.

They have actually bargained with life to remain your friends.No matter what you do to them say or not say.They stick around.It is their decision not yours.

It can be sad when you realise what they think they know about what you think.When may be you have never really given any of it a thought.What is worse, having thought ill of some one or not ever having thought of them at all.

And inspite of this huge disparity between what is being thought and not thought, said and not said, we belive we know our freinds.Do we?

What bothers me is not that my friend didn’t turn out to be what I thought they are, but what I am not inspite of what they think of me.

For a trouble finder like me,I am blessed to have some well balanced people in my life.I am not looking forward to being told, “We told you so”.At this rate how ever I doubt I’ll be spared for long.

It is amazing the freedom I have got at continuing to be self destructive.They call it life’s learning experience only to make me feel good about it.Even invite a party for merriment in view that their friend is slightly wiser in the ways of the world.

At the end it doesn’t matter.What we know, don’t know.Say, don’t say.Mean don’t mean.Some people have just decided to stick by you.It is a warm feeling indeed.

I do think friends are strange beings.Mine especially.What about yours?

“I would prefer a white doctor” she had said.Was the first time something had hit me hard that way.So hard that a big lump in my throat would not go away for that entire day.There she was, breathless, speechless and very ill.With her long standing history, she knew best that, that procedure was important for her, and yet, she was wasting all that time fussing over a white doctor.

I was taken aback.I wasn’t sure what had just happened in that examining room.It was only when my supervising consultant and nurse in charge,stormed into that patient’s cubicle and gave that sick old lady a sounding, that I realised the gravity of the situation.That lady was told that her treatment could be refused in view of violince against a health care professional.Violence? What could a 60 plus frail old lady possibly do to me?Could she really have been refused treatment, when she could potentially die?Incredible is all I could think.

I was asked to go back to that patient, and complete what I had started.I didn’t want to.I was begining to feel violated.Some how that white coat, stethoscope or any other armour that says you are a health care professionals seems to take away a few of your rights.

Christmas eve, same year.That journey I must have made atleast 4 times before,I messed up by some bad stroke of luck.My only option was to stay cold and alone at the station gates or hire a taxi.50 miles away from a group of people that had become my family, middle of the night.Hoping against hope I didn’t want a taxi driver of a particular nationality.That is all I got.I got into the taxi.I was scared,lonely,sad, hungry and very cold.I had just worked an entire 12 hour shift, traveled 3 hours by train, only to miss my last connection.I just wanted to go home.That man tried to make polite conversation.I didn’t indulge.He put on good music from my country I wasn’t amused.At some point he even asked me which ones were my favourite chocolate.I can’t remember why.I think he said he was going home to his country of birth and had nieces and nephews he would have liked to carry chocolates for.But now my memory fails me.I was so engulfed by emotions that I even cried.

He got me home safe, sound,and declined the tip I offered.He told me to take care of myself.In return I told him what my favourite chocolates were.He left smiling and wising me a happy christmas.Fully aware that neither him, nor I, actually celebrate it.

I watched the movie Crash a couple of nights ago, only for me to realise, there are some things you can run away from alright, but you cannot hide.

I am not a huge tennis fan/follower.But I do know a thing or two.For one I was totally looking forward to seeing Agassi play at the Wimbledon courts.Sudden change in plans has taken that away from me.I wasn’t even an Agassi fan, for me no one beats Navratrilova, or Pete Sampras.Ok I know I am 2 generations behind.But they were who they were, and in that last of the league, for me( I cannot stress that more),I wanted to witness Agassi play.But no more.I surprise myself, in the twinge of disappointment.I am looking forward to the newer boys on the block do their thing.I haven’t even got used to their names yet.*gulp*

I met an old school friend.He wasn’t just an old school mate.He was the football captain of my school team.Yes you guessed it. I had had a huge cruch on him since puberty struck me.He still remembers that.*gush gush*What struck me during our by-chance meeting was how easy it is with some people to make conversation.We have nothing in common now, and we barely did even in school and yet there was not a single hint of strain during that 2 hour conversation.It was a beautiful walk down the memory lane.Lots of catching up.Some confessions, some musings, some discussions for the future.Lots and lots of affection and genuine laughter.A reminder of what I used to be, and a dissection into what I have become.I am glad we bumped into each other.

I am still drying my tears at Argentina’s loss.Was rooting for them right from the begining.Not for any logical reason I suppose, but hey in games as these it does good for the adrenaline pump, if you take sides.Argentina is where I decided my loyalties would lay.Oh well.It should have been England for me logically but I have isssues with the English team.I just don’t like their attitude.I have some favourites in the team but that is only for personal reasons.Like real personal.Supporters like me do no good for teams or so it seems.I rooted for Argentina they are out.Then I wished England stayed in the game,they are out.I was sure Brazil will win against France.Right you are again.They are out too.So folks, any team you want out.Just ask me to root for them.*Jeez*

One of the projects, that I had worked for during internship has finally come through.A paper is being written and I was sent an email, asking for my seal of approval before it could go through for publishing.Came as a huge surprise to me that email.I had totally forgotten about it.Honestly, I felt important, intelligent and part of a larger community than sorry ass doctors who always take exams.It was like a little peep into the better things that await me.I can’t help but smile.