I have been thinking a lot about what Casablanca said. She wondered why so many people around her have no regrets and she had so many.

Do I really have no regrets like I proclaim? Am I a 100% happy with the choices I made.Do I ever wonder what life would have been like had I chosen differently.I do some times ponder..

Would I be in a better place if I had taken that Singapore Airlines Scholarship, which came through by chance, rather than staying back in Bombay.

Would I be in a different place had I chose one suburban junior college over the other.

Would my life be kicking ass, if I had given up on medicine and taken pharmacy like a lot of people had adviced.

Would I be with M I had not decided against meeting him in Nepal.

Would life treat me differently if I had stuck on Surgery rather than taking on the challenge of Internal Medicine.

Would I still be talking to him, if I hadn’t made that promise to his fiance.

Would I have a 2 year rotation if I didn’t put my faith in Epsom.

Would I be in this system if I had given up on Internal Medicine to do Psychiarty or Paediatrics.

Would I be better prepared to face reality if I hadn’t fallen in love with the virtual.

Would my family be happier if I had gone to the US before coming to UK.

Would I have been wiser had I listened to them, than followed my own heart…

I don’t know.At each step I made my choices.Those who mattered stood bye me.Some times, I do wish I didn’t have to make them.But I did.I know I cannot go back at any one of them, even if I wanted to.So what is the point of regrets?We do what we have to do, when we are made to them.Time doesn’t wait for anybody.It moves on.And so should we. Tough I know, but I doubt most times we have a choice.

I was tagged by Casablanca.At first I thought it was such a long tag.But then how often do you get to say so much about yourself and totally blame some one else to put you through this agony.Muahahaha.

I am thinking about my trip back to India, home, my bed, my room, and my people.

I said I don’t want to ever give up on me, people I have put my faith in and life on the whole.

I want to dream, and work hard trying to make my dreams come true.

I wish I could travel more than I have.

I miss my innocence.

I hear from memory some of the nicest things people have to said to me, or in the passing everytime I get lonely feel weak or defeated.

I wonder where life will take me.

I regret nothing. I know if I had to ever relive any moment of my life I’d do the exact same thing all over again.

I am an eternal optimist.

I dance even when I hear the music in my head.

I sing all the time.Croak more like it, but hey I am allowed that.

I cry quite easily, but a lot more privately than I used.I’ve learnt to respect my tears.

I am not always reasonable. I have way too many expectations from people and life in general.

I write to read back some day, from a place I can hopefully smile and tell myself that I have done well.

I confuse most people.I talk too fast for most people to understand me.

I need a real warm bear hug.

I should try to be less impulsive.

I finish what I start.I do give it all I have, to see things through.

I tag

Soumyadip, Mirch Masala( this should get them to write something)
Vikram( could be the jump start he was looking for?)
Don’thaveaclue,Ford Perfect( they have never been tagged before, methinks:D)

So they say, no one really writes for themselves.Everyone wants an audience.I agree.I started writing my diary when I was very, very little in the hope that some day, people would be clamouring to get a hold of my diaries as then I would be all rich and famous.Fantasies of a young child, what can I say.All I did was write nasty things about everyone I knew, especially my brother.Now when I read them back I laugh at what a wicked little 8 year old mind I had.

My diary felt like a safe place.I had some place to hide.Some place, it would be ok to tell the truth, about me more than anything else.Some place, it would be ok to confess, tell my dirtiest secrets, even those that I some times shuddered to write down lest some one ever found out.My diary was a non-judging confidant.Even now, when a lot of things don’t make sense, I write on a piece of paper.I write down everything, just the way I thought it happened.It does bring a lot of clarity.It helps me see the mirror image of what I wrote.You do know about truth having three sides right? Yours, mine and the one that belongs to the truth.

Can I compare my diaries to my blog? I don’t think so.The conversation between me and my diary is really between me and my conscience. There is the coming together of id, ego and superego all at once , to come to a certain single balanced conclusion about life.We all agree at the end of it.

My blog on the other hand, a super platform of expression, has actually allowed me to interact with so many of you.No, I am not saying you aren’t a conscientious lot.It is just that you don’t have to necessarily agree with me.I like you, you know that.I like you even more when we can agree to disagre.All good methinks.So far.

I don’t think I need to give in to everyone’s expectations.I like being brutally honest about what I think.I don’t always get into social niceties and do speak my mind.I donot let you cross that line I draw around myseld.I refuse to acknowledge your request to see my photo.I know what I say or do can hurt you, but I do it anyway.It helps me keep a check on what I expect from others.It keeps me sane.

On this blog, it is really about all the things that I care and the way I do. I really cannot complain about any one crossing the line with me.I don’t let you.I have read some incredible stories on other blogs.It is my blog after all for me to be the way I want to be.

Nothing personal mate, just the way it is.

So I have a niece who is only 6 years younger than I am.No she isn’t too young and I am not too old.OK!

How, don’t ask me.

We had been making online plans for almost a month.With all the planning, replanning that kept happening, in the midst of our busy schedules, I was hoping she wouldn’t turn out to be the loud, spoilt inconsiderate American tourist that are a common sight on the streets of London.Worse still, I was worried about turning out to be uptight, bossy, boring aunt who had never really entertained guests in London before.

So we met.Decided to start with food, drink and some catching up.We banished existing plans and made new impromptu ones. She wanted to cover as many museums in London as she possibly could.

Started off with Greenwich, yes yes the place where the prime meridian or time longitude’0′ passes by.No it isn’t a line, one can see.It is a place.Hullo do you ever see the longitude and latitude that you live on?I am always amused by the expectations from that place.So, you hear it is a place.Don’t go around asking where is the line or look disappointed when you don’t see one.And no my niece didn’t either.She had had enough Sangria during our Spanish meal for her to really care.

The boat ride (tsk tsk they call it cruise, I really don’t know why) on the river Thames,the Tower of London.A walk down most of the lanes you could find on Monopoly, by itself was a walk down the memory lane.And then we decided we needed some piece and quiet, so we darted for The National Potrait Gallery at Leicester square.

It is a darn quiet place.I don’t understand the ‘a’ of art, and soon found out that neither did my niece.I do think the interest is more because of the ‘free admission’ benefit rather than actual interest in walking through those galleries, full of so many paintings with very small print explaining what the paintings are all about.

However, I like painting galleries.I think it is a good place to find some perspective.It makes me wonder what that artist was thinking when he spent his life time creating that piece of art which is only going to be appreciated at least a 100 years after he died, if at all.How do they define art?Some times I think, the more bizzare some thing appears the more it is appreciated.Does some thing we cannot make sense of, necessarily have to be mysterious.Couldn’t it actually be a baseless fact that doesn’t need another consideration.So many times I think, the so called ‘art’ is totally forced upon balderdash.Whatever!

A stop at Tiger Tiger for a quick drink, an Italian meal and movie at the west end cinemas had her wanting to call it a day, on day one.

The next day, we went to Covent Garden, Spitafields, and the Tate modern.I like that place.She loved it too.It isn’t as quiet as the other museums we visited.Quite lively actually.Young budding artists everywhere.Short documentary films to watch.And not just paintings that don’t make sense, but also sculptures,craft work, models made of different materials.I am sure it does good to broaden the horizons of imagination.Whatever!

That was too much education for me in two days.So I took her to another one of my favourite bars, the Cinnamon Bar to recuperate from the trauma. A musical, Footloose at the theatre just opposite the bar did well to end her short trip to London.

Some times, talking about everything and nothing at all comes so easy with certain people.You just hit it off so well, that being silly, laughing or giggling requires no real reason.It was a good 2 days spent with her.I even discoverd this really good place called Rock and Sole Plaice which makes the best Fish and Chips on Endell Street near Covent Garden.If you ever visit London, you must get a bite.Highly recommended.

You know what they say about family..well I don’t..But I can tell you this much, having a niece 6 years younger and visiting 4 museums in two days isn’t such a bad thing after all.

I love you..
For never giving up on me.
For your unmatched loyalty.
For teaching me a thing or two about friendship.
For holding my hand before every viva because I would be a nervous wreck.
For pushing me through the door for a few.
For actually accompanying me to a viva, putting your own ass on the line.
For carrying me back to my room, everytime I fainted.
For listening to my non-sense for hours on end, and then dozing off right in the middle of it all.
For always wanting to get me anything I wanted.
For all those middle of the night conversations.
For appreciating my cooking like nothing tasted better.
For defending me, when most of the batch had turned against me.
For being there, when S’s mum had that accident and giving her all that money,because I asked you to.
For bringing me take away during exams because you knew I would be eating junk.
For all the times you made me ‘our’ coffee.
For promising me that we wouldn’t root for or against our countries during cricket seasons and no matter what the outcome we wouldn’t let it affect our friendship.
For standing up to me no matter what.
For breaking R’s nose when you found out the truth.
For never breaking my trust.
For treating me like a princess when I visted your family.
For helping me see the truth.
For being my friend.

I wrote this on your birthday.Thought I’d dedicate a post to you.Now 6 months later I thought I’d leave it till friendship’s day.The list doesn’t seem complete at all.This is what came to my mind.Just watched the movie Coach Carter.It brought back so many memories.So many that I am having a hard time forgetting.Decided to put this down now.Just so I can remember this moment someday.

I want you to know I write this blog.I am trying to be creative, even trying poetry.I know you would laugh so hard at that.Why do I feel like hearing you laugh.

Some times I wish I could hear your voice just one more time.Some times I wonder if you still think of me?I thought it wouldn’t matter after so many years have gone by.May be it doesn’t.

I know you will never read this, even if you stumbled on my blog.Wonder how you got past med school when you hated all that reading.Probably why I think it is ok for me to confess here, I lied when I said I would never miss you.I so do, sometimes.

Just when I can do with some support, you walk away, because you want me to be strong. I understand.

Relationships are a balance between give and take, benefits and risk.I am begining to understand.

There is constant lies being told,truth hidden and distorted, in the hope that someday I will appreciate the bigger truth.I fail to understand.

Just when things are looking up, you want to give up.You want me to understand?

The closer I feel to you, the farther you think your place is.I don’t understand.

I have been an adult for longer than I had bargained for.I want to be a child sometimes. You don’t seem to understand.

I expect loyalty, and passion in my relationships.That is so much more important to me than ’socially acceptable behaviour’. Could you ever understand that about me?

When I decide to get into some thing, I do so fully.I will make every effort to see that till the end.You fail to understand.

I can’t stand pretence or superficiality, and definitely don’t do well with hypocrisy.Do you understand?

Sometimes I just want you to let me be. Whether you understand or not, at this point,I don’t really care.

Addendum:
What are our definitions of a relationship?Ever heard about the transactional analysis and dynamic realtionship between Parent adult and child?
Define your relationships before you think of what effect this post has on you? I am not necessarily talking about a guy and a girl and a romantic relationship.Just thought you would like to know.

Case report:

A 27 year old female, gives history of strenuous work for the last 13 days.Since her parents left after a lovely vacation,she has been on an agenda.Watching video lectures for eight hours a day.Reviewing the material read for around four hours.Never being able to catch up completely, adding to her anxiety(1).However she has managed to read 3 of the 7 books of JK Rowling, Tipping Point and Blink by Malcom Gladwell and is currently half way through The Hitch Hiker’s Guide to the Galaxy by Douglas Adams.All of which was accomplished while travelling 2 hours each day.Bringing her a huge sense of achievement and displaced sense of superiority.Making her almost euphoric(2) at times.

Certain decisions and turning points in life have been wearing her spirits down for a few days, and hence the need to further immerse herself in work which would keep her mind occupied, lest it got distracted with negative thoughts.But the effort was getting to her.This particular morning she found it difficult to get up from bed.If she did she would have to face another day.She didn’t have the strentgh, she felt.Academics, career,relationships, friendships, travel plans,all suffering a huge blow(3) at this point in time, made her wonder what was she fighting so hard to sustain.No she wasn’t going to get out of bed.Not today.

Two rainy days later the sun was shining bright.What a contrast to her mood.But not the weather to waste when it is so precious in London.She decides to get out of bed after all.A leisurely bath,lots of sun screen later,she sets out of the house. A summer shirt, skirt and strappy sandals make her feel like a woman again.Very sexy(4) too.She is sure she looks gorgeous.She definitely feels so.

She decides not to waste the opportunity and heads for Central London for an open air concert currently happening everyday at Trafalgar square.Has lunch at her favourite Italian joint.She loves the peace and quite.She actually loves her own company so much.It has never complained about her.Doesn’t really judge her for anything. So much easier being with oneself.(5)

She happens to meet this man at the restaurant who appears to have daily sex(6). Interesting.

Well the day is going to end, she decides to skip dinner(7) as lunch got a bit heavy.She now listens to some of her favourite music and decides to sleep well tonight.Rest assured tomorrow is another day.How does she know..God told her so.(

1.Anxiety Disorder.
2.Manic episodes
3.Major Depression
4.Histrionic personality disorder.
5.Avoidant personality disorder.
6.Dyslexia.
7.Anorexic????
8.Schizophrenia.

P.S:Thirditis is a commonly seen condition coined losely by third year medical students when they start learning about clinical medicine.On reading the subject a lot of students become experts on self diagnosis.Most conditions seems to have been present at some point in time within themselves or some one they know.

I have just completed Psychiatry lectures as is evident.Next I do Gynaecology.*Shudder*

Disclaimer: Very lose associations have been made between symptoms presented and clinical conditions diagnosed.It has been done so for the sole purpose of this post entry only and in no way can serve to help make a diagnosis of any of the above conditions.

I detest pity.I get furious when people sympathise with me or others. I think that is the worst emotion to evoke in oneself for another person.

So some of us haven’t had an easy life.Not many do.One may be physically mentally emotionally challenged.We continue to struggle.We don’t give up do we? Some times we don’t know where we are heading.Some times we don’t even know where we are coming from.Most times we don’t know where we want to go.

We all fight our battles, don’t we?.Being a winner isn’t the prerogative of a handful few.So what makes some people think they can pity others or their circumstances.How ever noble the intention, it comes across as though they are looking down upon people.And who allows these people to do that?What gives them that right?

What makes my blood boil even more is when certain people revel in their misery and do everything to gain sympathy.Oh phuleease get a life is all I have to say to them.

I don’t deny, that when the waters get rough, one always needs a calming effect.We all need to rant our troubles.We all can do with some loving some times, no make that most times.It is only natural to want a shoulder to cry on.That is where it ends.Then one picks up where they left off and starts all over again.Simple.Life is to lead, not give up.

It is when pity and sympathy comes into the picture, I think all hope is robbed off.Noble or not, you have just managed to make life far less worth living, with just that single emotion.

Feel angry, go crazy, shout on the top of your lungs, smirk, cuss, or just smile..I don’t care what you do, just don’t get your pitiful self my way.

A conversation with a friend not so long ago got me thinking.Am I becoming a very asocial person? I don’t think so.

I left home at a not so young age.I did leave a very protected environment.And I have never got that back.Now I don’t want it back.I enjoy my freedom.I enjoy taking care of me.I also enjoy my solitude.

She said, I am not a very social person.I would survive, without many people around me. She thinks, my going for a film alone or eating out alone, are freaky.

Nice.

I can’t be bothered to wait for people to materialize their plans to go and watch a film.I enjoy movies too much to let go of a good film for some one else.Think about it, a whole tub of pop corn to yourself.That is precious.You don’t have to accompany your girlfriends to the loo, and you don’t have to wait alone while your rude friends choose a smoke over your precious company during the break.

I think what stops people, is the fear of what others will think about them.What a loser haan? Who cares? I don’t. How does it matter to me what some stranger who I don’t know, wont ever know, thinks about me.And even if I did know them, I still wouldn’t care.Think about it, when you go for the movies, how often do you scan around the theatre, to look for that odd loner?

I would agree if some one said eating out alone in a restaurant is kinda tough.I don’t think so, but then again I might be a loony psychopath.I started venturing out alone when I came back from the hostel after 5 years to my city.Most of my friends were gone.The remaining few just didn’t know how to strike a balance between work, boyfriends and me.So much had changed in my city.I had become more adventurous.I wanted to enjoy my city.I would go to the new malls springing all over by myself.If I found an new, inviting restaurant, I would go in for a meal.I quite enjoyed it actually.One does tend to get more attention.I don’t know if it is out of pity, or amusement.People are just nice.

Try a new bar.Order a cocktail.Enjoy your drink.Or go to this new restaurant which promises a fantastic gastronomic experience.Order some thing you have never tried before.Eat to your content.Even order a pudding.Trust me, it is an experience.

Even in company, I believe it is upto us to enjoy.It is upto us to make the most of what one is doing.So why do we always need some one else to be there. Don’t get me wrong.I enjoy and make good company. I do enjoy my friends here.But I don’t see lack of company stopping me from doing what I feel like doing.

So while mates, girl friends, boy friends are essential for a lovely evening out, I do think one should go out with themselves once in a while.You would be surprised to find what lovely company you make.