You came into my life..
Like the first rays of the sun, the first hint of spring..
You were a new page,a new chapter,a new book.

You brought into my life..
A new attitude,a new joy,a new perspective
A new world…like I had never seen before.

I saw you, heard you..
Felt the essence called you.

I couldn’t touch you
I couldn’t tell if it was really you,when I reached out to you.

I embraced what you sent my way
Made you mine, because the feeling was so strong.

Until the day you walked away..
Did you really have to?

I still see you, feel you..
Only to realise I don’t belong to you.
I want to reach out to you, only this time I know, you don’t want me to.

I have held onto my feelings for so long..
But now I think I have the courage to accept.

I have the courage to let go, and say adieu.

I think we have all found ourselves in a situation where we had to make difficult conversation.Either with our friends, collegues,lovers or even parents.

I am not talking of breaking bad news.I am talking of telling people who care about you immensely,that you need time off.That you need your space and no matter how much you love them back, at this precise moment they are the reason you are having a bad day.Telling people that what they said,did or didn’t do hurt your feelings. That their being over concerned,over-involved, over-endorsing is freaking you out

You know that once you have had time, space to think it over,find a new perspective or even vent off you will be fine.But some times to be able to tell that to some one you really care about, can get difficult. One is torn apart between wanting to take care of their own feelings and that of other’s.And one does have the right to one’s own emotions, outburts, dislike.It isn’t a perfect world after all.

I’ve been having such a moment for the past few days.And really nothing has been helping.The cold, the hyper moods and mood swings about new year’s eve, my exams breathing down my neck..Nah nothing is helping.

So I decided to do what every girl has the privilege of doing.I called up my mate and I told her that I needed to biatch.In an instant we were on the phone and I must have ranted non-stop without breathing.I bared my soul and told her about this person creating an emotional turmoil in my life.All the time reminding her and me, more than her; that I love this person but just can’t get to tell them,that I need some time off from them.

She was her generous listening self.After a while, when I was feeling better.She was giving me her gyan (knowledge) for the day.And while she had a non-judgemental, non prejudiced demeanour to her own words,she almost took me to a time when we (my mate and I) were in a similar situation.I did wonder while she was explaing through an old friend’s example that things will be ok, whether it was ‘us’ that she was talking about. We had just phased out of each other’s life at one time and then when we did get back, things were back to normal if not better.

She had this warmth while speaking to me today, that had no hint of being upset,angry instead a promise of a long lasting friendship.

Some thing during that conversation made me realise that you don’t always have to make that difficult conversation.Bitter words needs not be exchanged.Harsh words need not do the rounds.

Some times silences can be more profound than any words spoken.

I was invited over by my land lords for the Christmas dinner.I would not have missed it for the world.For one, the husband is a very good cook, and the other my land lady is an awesome hostess.

Then it was present opening time.I love that part!Who ever said giving is better that recieving..lied!..But when my land lords saw what I had got them,I knew they were really happy.The genuine glee and thank-you beats any gift I could have ever recieved.I bought them crystal goblets (for shiraz wines) and wine to go.

I am so glad I pulled it off, I am not really a wine expert.

My first wine tasting/drinking experience was in Medical School.Yeah all bad habits start there.Its no hidden fact that doctors drink the most,smoke the most, abuse drugs the most and kill themselves the most.It was more out of a challenge,I didn’t know why people drank and what was the fun in getting sloshed or come back puking from a party. “T’is the HIGH lady and you wont know unless you try.”Ok I thought, bought the cheapest red wine I could find in Pokahara.And yes you guessed it I didn’t get a second sip down my throat.The rest of the bottle, of red god knows what went down the drain.

When I first arrived in London, my group at St George’s was hanging out one evening.I do believe we were celebrating some thing.Can’t quite remember what.This is a social culture that amuses me most about England..(tsk tsk its far worse in Scotland and Ireland I hear!!).You want to meet up with old buddies; you meet over drinks, want to meet up new collegues; you meet over drinks, farewell party; over drinks, welcome party; over drinks;meeting for dinner; gather over drinks,just party; over drinks.

So there we were, my first ever to a pub in England.Now I have had some experience with alcohol so I thought I will be fine.Then came the question:

Bar tender(BT):What would you like to drink?
Me:Right, wine would be nice. (I thought)

BT:Red or white? dry medium sweet, or Rose?

..and when he didn’t stop,..I gave him that look, like I need rescuing here because I have no freaking clue.Well he just waited for me to tell him.

Me: I’ll have white- sweet.
Is all I could come up with.. since my red bitter wasn’t all that grand a experience.

BT:.Hmm that is dessert wine my dear, you sure you want to have that?
Me: Right so what should I have?

BT: I’ll say go for white medium, ladyzz like that.
Me:Ok what would you have.

BT: I prefer dry wine
Me:Ok so white wine dry it is.

BT:Large or small?
Me: Huh??

White wine and I did well that evening.I really do believe thats the only reason I prefer white wine over red.

Few months ago, I was meeting some American friends and their Argentinian friends over an Argentinian meal.It was a drink and food gallore.Argentinian wines are quite famous apparently. I had no idea.Since I have always maintained that I prefer white to red and I was the only one on the table of 14 who raised her hand for a choice of white wine, I was made to do the honours of tasting the wine before it getting served.Darn the Argentinian hospitality.Well quite honestly that is a useless excercise when it comes to me.But what the heck, I know how to take a wiff, sip the wine and swirl it around your tongue.Or does the tongue go round the wine..Well whatever.I did do the honours.And no I didn’t get a wiff of apricot and fresh lemon and no it didn’t remind me of the spring flowers or taste zesty or whatever blah blah that connoisseur said..It tasted well-chilled and fresh.Ya fresh! Thats the best I can do.I was thirsty and I was sure it would go down well with all that meat staring into my face.

Few weeks back I was meeting some body, over dinner, for the first time.We did very well for the first few hours I will admit.We had a lot in common.It always helps to meet some one from your own city.We laughed silly the entire evening.I even told him about my wine fiasco at the first time in a pub in this country .Out of all the things we talked about, we both agreed that the whole wine culture and all that tasting before you finally order your wine was just jazz! It doesn’t make any sense and we were both happy to have met each other.2 people who were accepting hands down they were an ignorant lot.It was nice.

Then dinner happened. We decided to go for Thai.And since we had talked so much about wine we decided to go for a whole bottle.I asked him, to be polite, what he would prefer, red or white?And he goes,”One always choses wine depending on what food they eat.Since its Thai we shall go for red… Whokay..mylord!!!????Phew..

Then came last week.I definitely wanted to buy my land lords a Christmas gift.I may not be very good with wines, but I can safely say I am good with gifts…( except the one time when I sent my best friend the 10th anniversary book of her favourite cartoon when the 15th anniversary book was getting released).After a little bit of looking around the house, several dinners with my land lords,I knew exactly what I was going to get them for Christmas.I was sure of what I wanted, where I wanted it from.All I had to do was actually get there and pay the money and bring back the goods.

While paying at the till, the guy behind it..looked at the things I had picked and said,”Wicked choice, good stuff!”

Now I don’t know if thats what he said to every customer that passed his till, or he knew I had needed to hear that becasue I must have looked nervous, or he really thought so.I just smiled.

This week has been good.Recieved several cards through the post.I still enjoy letters, post cards, stuff coming through the post box.I guess its the result of me sending out cards to family and friends in November with my right adress on it.

Today I recieved my first Christmas gift for this year.From my pen-pal from Germany.

I was introduced to Laura by my best friend of 14 years, well 14 years ago.We were at that age when pen pals,collecting stamps,coins etc was the thing to do.Sarah wasn’t my first pen-pal but I wrote to her for the longest time.

She is my age.She was very eager to know about India, and Indians.For her it was this exotic country of snake charmers.It took me quite a while to distort that image.I don’t know if she was disappointed, but she loved to know about our Gods, cultures,festivals.She was amused about so many Hindu Gods.The complexity amuses me too.To be able to tell her, I had to learn a thing or 2 about my own culture.We exchanged letters,gifts,cards, stories.We have litterally spent our teenage years getting to know each other.It was fun.When parties, boy friends,booze and foot ball were the thing for her to do.I was busy thinking about my career and taking gazillion exams to become a doctor.

I loved her life,she loved my ambition.

We never managed to settle as to why at 18 I had never tried alcohol.I couldn’t believe that there were more that one type of beer.Oh and they actually have different names too.

Medical school happened and I lost touch with her.We didn’t even manage the yearly new year’s cards.I think for the last 6 years there had been no contact.

I went home in July this year after 1.5 years.It was just sheer luck to have recieved a letter from Laura.Then! I couldn’t believe she still remembered me.Her letter said:

Dearest EU,
I don’t know if you still remember me, or you live at the same address.But I just had to write to you, and take this chance.
You are my oldest friend, and like a sister to me.I know we lost touch. But I understand, because by now I hope you are a doctor.I know its hard work.So I never felt bad that you didn’t write to me.
I am sending some photographs.Yes! I am married.You remember Kirt?yes that fat neighbour.Well he grew thin and handsome over the years and since he still loved me,I decided to marry him.I am a happy woman..we even bought our own house.Oh and I have become a teacher.
But I wasn’t happy that I could not share this news with you.It was the biggest day in my life and I wished you were here.I have missed you my friend.
I hope you get my letter.I wish for you to know.I will be very happy to hear from you.If not,I hope you are well and happy where ever you are.
My mum and sister join me in sending their love to you.
Love always, your friend
Laura.

p.s Did you manage to get that dog you always wanted? and have you tried beer yet?


Needless to say,I was thrilled.I wrote back to her.We had some very emotional exchange of letters.She couldn’t believe that I had been in UK for 2 years and never bothered to get in touch with her.I thought she would not remember me or worse still, care.

Now my friend is pregnant..She is going to be a mommy…I have promised to visit her, all going well in February next year.Yays!!! I am so excited.

And today I recieved this parcel through the post.It was from Laura.She put together all the different things that I had loved as a little girl.She still remembers!!!

I am so happy and thrilled that it feels like Santa has paid a visit…

ps: Names changed to for confidentiality purposes.

When I started to maintain a a blog, I was intrigued by the idea that this was my personal space albeit for the world to see.I can be me and my space would not have a problem with that.

I can write about my day, about me.I can play a song.I can be happy, sad, right or wrong.No one to judge me, no one to know me.No one to tell me what to do, what not to. It would be ok to be honest, no matter how bitter.It would be ok to make a big deal out of little things,because I want to. I have surprised myself at my own reactions to things.Even more surprised when I actually decided to put my emotions down in words.Its all in my head, but so many times it does not come out the way I want it to in black and white.

Yet, I have come to like my little haven of thoughts,ideas,or just random words.

And then you came along. I don’t know you.But I know you are around.You create a picture of you on your own space.And I percieve you by what is in it.

You read what I have to say while others have just passed by.Some times you agree with me, some times you don’t. Some times you find me funny, sometimes gross. You either wonder why you are at my blog, or wonder why not? Some time you don’t ever want to come back, but some thing makes you. Some times you feel one with me,identify with what I am saying.You nod your head with approval.Some times you are just plain disgusted.But you feel the freedom to voice your own opinion.You feel you can share your thoughts with me.You know it will be alright to be honest,opinionated. And then you come back to see what I had to say about it.

In all this, some where an idea is churned, a thought is provoked.You form an opinion and begin to expect a certain some thing from me.I do the same.

Then one day, I say or do some thing that wasn’t along that frame shift we made for each other.You are taken by surprise.May be even disgusted, but you ponder.You put yourself in my shoes and try and see things from my eyes.

You give me the space that I created for me, you respect the fact that this is my niche.You discover some thing in you,which you didn’t know before.

While you discover yourself, I rediscover me.

For all these reasons,I like you my friend!



(This friend is no one in particular.My friend remains nameless and faceless.)

This post does contain some material that may not be suitable to certain audiences.If you cannot handle graphic details of medical life,I would advise you against reading this post.

When I was going to join medical school, the experienced had warned me that anatomy dissections are not the most pleasant experiences and that it would be ok to faint.That never happened.I was much too eager a learner and surgery was what I always wanted to do.So I was a bit too keen.But faint in medical school(in Nepal), I did…

The first time was in Physiology lab.We had to do blood tests example:make slides to see different blood cells, or blood grouping.For that, yours truly had to get her own sample.Everyone endured the torture, but in a class of 105 students.Only 2 of us actually fainted while making the “prick”. The other chap..RSM..thin lanky dude from Hyderabad.It was almost an insult to know that he was the only other soul that had the same effect as me.

A year later, in Western Regional Hospital, Pokhara during Pediatric clinic, we were going to see our first lumbar puncture.The first time is always bad!!This young little 11-12 year old thing lay on the examination table while 25 of us eager going-to-be doctors were clamouring to see how this rather uncomfortable for the patient, tricky for the doctor, but invaluable procedure/investigation was going to be performed. Anesthesia (an extra injection of drugs that help numb the area, administered before the procedure) is a luxury, not many can afford in that part of the world.So this girl curled like a ball, lay on her side by the edge of the bed.She is warned that there will be a huge needle introduced into her back.”It will hurt he”, said gently , “but it will be over before you will realise”.The girl didn’t flinch,but I was on the floor.Fainted! The only concern of my ever so compassionate batch fellows was whether I had fallen on any dirty rubbish. One can only imagine what one finds on dirty hospital floors.

Obstetrics and Gynaecology was a night mare for most of my batch mates.Ah! not because its yucky(no offense to anyone..but thats the only adjective I can think of for that branch of medicine)..because madam did a fainting stunt every freaking labour posting.The first sign of that kiddo popping out and I would be on the floor.Every single of those 20 days,I braved myself to go to labour posting,while my group of 20 would pray for themselves.They were kind enough to take turns.Two in front of me and one behind me..lest I fall into the poor woman’s gaping hole… It did not get any better.The first time watching a caesarean section in the Operation theatre(fourth year),I was quite good the first 30 minutes or so.Right when the surgeon put her hands into the womb to scoop the baby out, I was on the floor again.That day I was quite unceremoniously thrown out of the O.T.But I wasn’t quite alone this time.A guy soon followed me.He agreed with me that all he could think of was that a baby coming out of the tummy of a lady was very alien and not cool at all.And really what is the big thrill about the sex of the child?They all come out the same way???!!!!!

When I should have been worried about my regular fainting rituals, I was busy cussing at ObGyn.I totally believed it was the fault of the cursed vagina and everything attached to it.

I graduated out of med school and came to do internship back in Mumbai.One of the requirements was to do 3 months rural posting.It was quite a novel experience.I was rediscovering my state,my country.I loved every bit of it.

Being the eager learner, and enthusiast that I was, the midwives at our maternity centre decided to let me insert a Copper T into a woman’s vagina in my 1st week after graduation and officially being called a doctor.I was terrified no doubt, considering what effect my previous experiences with the vagina had been.But I was determined and I decided, some day I had to face my fear.So I agreed.I would do the honours!

So for those of you who are not quite sure what copper T is;its very successful reversable method of contraception.Very commonly used in our part of the world.Mostly due to cost reasons.What needs to be done is that the lady lies in the lithotomy position which is a glam word for ‘with feet hanging in the air’.The person inserting the CuT, positions the place where it has to be inserted, inserts it, pulls the safety threads and its all done.Literally in less that a jiffy.

I could do that.That lady was a pro at getting it done.These need to get replaced at regular intervals.This was her 4th or 5th time.She was all game to let a newly qualified doctor in her crispy white coat with all the courage she could muster, to have a go. So the lady was in the right position.I went through the steps of the procedure one last time with the midwife.The stage was set.Gloves on, CopperT in hand,cervix confirmed, CopperT inserted….and just while I was to pull the threads..I felt a familiar woozzy feeling in the head,darkness begins to follow and all I can remember thereafter is..”Are you ok?”

When I got up,I was laying on the next bed to that lady’s.She had left by then.I hoped in one piece and not with her cervix ripped apart.

I think I was more concerned about that lady, than about me having a fainting fit again.The conversation that followed was to the tune of:

Me:Has she gone?
Midwife:Yeah long back.

Me: Was she ok when she left?
Midwife:Yeah,what was to happen to her?

Me:Did some one check her safety threads?
Midwife:Yeah she did, herself..

Me: I think I passed out on her.
Midwife:Yeah we noticed!!!

Me:Red faced.
Midwife:Oh, don’t worry happens to everyone.We have seen a lot of you (freshly graduated) “pass out”..She has too, considering her experience.So she’s gone,fine and laughing,don’t worry.

Me: Thanks (almost feeling better again). Sorry about the drama.
Midwife:No problem, so you ready for the next lady?

Me: Haan? Colour from my face draining out again
Midwife:yaaaaaa, get on with it..you’re ok right?

Me:I am ok, but are you ok?

I am glad she (midwife) told me to get on with it.Thanks to her I conducted my first delivery (of a child), in torch light I might add.Oh and she was a baby girl.It was quite a thrill to know .But thats another story.

I am meeting a very dear friend tomorrow.I am seeing her after 5 months.I have missed her birthday, her engagement and now the year is coming to an end.For every mile stone that she has achieved I have a gift for her.Only now I will actually be able to give them to her.I am so excited that I decided to be extra nice.I actually decided to buy wrapping paper.

Wrong timing to say the least.Everything appears red, gaudy, and frightful. I am aware that the christmas shopping mania started in October.Since then I have lost the will to shop, even do my gorceries.Everyone is trying to sell every body,some thing in the name of Christmas and if you don’t believe in Christmas then New Year’s.All of it just screams vanity out loud and sadly this will continue through to February or even March.

It hurts..the eyes,the pockets,the sentiments.And a part of me doesn’t approve of this gaudiness.This fake celebration,this whole hoo-haa of new year approaching..Its just another day..Life will go on…WHAT IS THE BIG DEAL????

I was very depressed around Diwali time.The Hindu new year.I don’t know if it was really due to what was happening in and around the world and all those people dying.All that suffering.I did wonder what was there to celebrate?Who are we kidding?Are we really happy?Or was it more out of not being with any family whatsoever.

It made me question my being?My purpose?I am a doctor! I pledged to help lessen suffering and what have I done??A few donations here and there..a few hours of voluntary work..but then what???

With all these thoughts coming back to me to haunt me I was looking for the right wrapping paper.The one that would portray my sentiments.The kind that would tell her that I am truly happy she is my friend.The kind that will depict the profound happiness I felt, when she told me she got engaged.The kind that will assure her I hope the best for her in the coming new year,the kind that will tell her I am her friend and will always be.

I didn’t get the kind of wrapping paper I was looking for.Actually in all that rush and madness I decided I could do without it.But I did realise some thing.

What I call blaring hypocrisy there is a cry for hope.There is that chance to make a difference.There is that opportunity to bring a smile.There is a moment we get to celebrate.

We don’t forget the dead,dying,suffering..we remember the survivors the fighters, the ones that live.This crazy hoo-haa is telling some one out there..let go of the past because there is a new begining, there is another chance,there is hope.

The glaring vanity that I call, tells some body that they are being thought of,that they are important,that their existence means some thing and because of them the world is a better place.

I doubt I can go out and appreciate the madness the world makes out of this holiday season,but I think..I am now waiting for New Year to begin!..I know a lot of us can do with all that it promises to bring our way.

There was a phase in life when I loved asking people that question.There was no correct answer according to me.It was my trick question.

So no matter what reply I got I always argued it out.It used to make me happy that I had the last word and I was right.Ha! I was indeed having it both ways.

Now I find myself asking me that same very question.Everything I do,I want to know..will I be right doing it..or should I just do it because it makes me happy.Does always doing the right thing make one happy?Or to always be happy is the right thing to do?

What do you think?

Its always amazed me when people tell me that I have too many friends.I have a huge circle! And for a long time I have debated..who really are my friends?I have tried to compartmentalise the very many people in my life as friends, acquaintances,buddies, or just dudes in my life. But why the comparison? why the distinction? they have all touched my life in some way.. all of them have their own place in my life.Each one has taught me something, made me a better nicer person.Each one of them means some thing to me.
So I’ve compiled a list of the kind of friends I have, and I think everyone needs!

The best friend kind:
The kind whose existence is essential for yours..the kind you cannot dream of having a life without,that person who knows you best.Has seen you in your best,your worst.The one who understands what you are saying..even when you are not quite sure yourself..One who feels your pain, one who is happy for you when you achieve some thing,happier than you are for yourself,because they feel a victory within themselves.

The kind you can biatch with:
You can’t tell them everything,but when you want a quick offload your chest..you know these are your thank-god-someone-understands-me friends

The kind who brings out the best shopper in you:
Some people just have that knack.They know your taste better than you know yours,they know where to find it,they know how much you are ready to pay for it..and they know how to get the right bargain.(I love this kind!)

The kind..you say Hi to everyday:
But never have had a meaningful conversation.The only word you have probably heard them say in the last 2 months is Waaaasssuuuupp!…but thats good enough to brighten up your day.

The kind you miss:
You have lost touch with, haven’t spoken in a long time.You don’t even know if they still want to hear from you..thats how long it has been…but thinking of them makes you smile and you hope that one day..you shall cross paths.

The kind you have a huge crush on:
They know it,you know it and you can’t help misbehave.But they love you still the same.

The kind you thought you can do without:
As they hurt your feelings and walked away.But when they did you know they were hurting as well.

The kind, who recognise you by your..”Hello”
Even if it was said on the phone a 5/10 years later.

The kind that motivates you:
To go to the gym, because you so need to, take up that class you always wanted to join,learn that language you so dream of speaking.

The kind that you think was the best thing that happened to you:
And before you know it,they have taken a little of the best part of you and gone.(These teach you a good deal about life)

The kind that meets you for coffee:
Every six months.

The kind that you have never met:
Except through letters, email,phone and sms.

I will keep adding onto my list..meanwhile why don’t you make yours!

It is my mum’s birthday today.She turned 50. Definite milestone!
I called few minutes earlier than 12′o clock midnight!..I knew she would be waiting for my call, or atleast I hoped so….She answered.As excited as ever..Gosh these girls I thought…and I started to sing Happy Birthday..She heard me alright..cleared her throat and said,”Yeah and I still have 17 minutes to go for me to actually turn 50,but thanks”..OOh ATTITUDE too..
Well thats my mum for you…
So I am not the first one to wish her.My brother’s wife and daughter had already wished her, so have all her friends that matter..her older sister,her favourite niece, and also colleagues at work.WHAT?? “Isn’t your birthday like whole of tomorrow”Why don’t people just wait for the actual day?”..She said she figures they want me to have my day to myself.
Ok so what is she going to do on her day?She has a full day at university to work,going to attend her classes, (thats her nth course of the year..I cannot even keep up anymore),going to attend 2 wedding receptions and will be playing host to some rishtedaar ka rishtedaar ka sambandhi.All in a day?????
Hmm busy day I teased her.I asked her what she wants for her birthday, so she has asked dad for a laptop..she isn’t going to get it. Has asked my brother to lose weight..isn’t going to get it and me..she was hoping I’ll get her a son-in-law!Ha…she isn’t going to get it.
Exasperated I asked her anything that I can afford and that actually comes in a box???She just laughs…
Well Im not going to go on a roll of how mum is the best..all our mums are..they are mum.They are speacial, sweet, and awesome..and frankly I don’t know what it would have been to have grown up without her.
Since I know she might never read my blog..I can also confess,that I am what I am because of her.Telling any thing nice out of realisation,makes her laugh.She wants to hang my statements on the wall, as proof that I said some thing nice, but when she senses the genuinety..she smiles and says,”you will too for your children,every parent does!”..I don’t know if I will even know how to be to my children what my mother has been to me…
She has been the epitome of strength, hardwork, patience,tolerance, love, affection, generosity,kindness in my family.She is my motivation!
At 50, she is a very coveted wife,by a very content and happy man, a fantastic mother, a Reader in Mumbai University, with a Phd to her credit and has students under her who are working at thiers.She has several papers, courses and u-name-it-u-got-it to her credit..with a social life I cannot keep up with.
And yet she hasn’t lost the child in her.She is as vibrant as ever.And so easy to please.Its an absolute pleasure to do anything for her.My friends talk to her more often then they are able to catch up with me..so many times..she is my bridge to the life I have left behind.
She has been a mother(strict,stern put me in my place sort) when I needed one, been my friend when I couldn’t turn to another,been my confidant when I could trust no one else.
And in being there for me all this way..she has grown with me..she has changed roles, and been exactlty what I needed when I needed just the way I needed it.
I know I will never tell her in so many words..But mum here is the writing on the wall and your proof….
I wouldn’t be half the person that I am today, had it not been for you. Thanks ma!